Happy Festivus To All!

Festivus is a secular holiday celebrated on December 23rd. It was created by writer Dan O'Keefe and introduced into popular culture by his son Daniel, a screenwriter for the TV show Seinfeld as part of a comical storyline on the show. The holiday's celebration, as shown on Seinfeld, includes an aluminum "Festivus pole", practices such as the "Airing of Grievances" and the "Feats of Strength", and the labeling of easily explainable events as "Festivus miracles".

In the "Airing of Grievances", which occurs during the Festivus meal, each person tells everyone else all the ways they have disappointed him or her over the past year. A great way to bring loved ones closer together in my opinion. What family wouldn’t benefit from a nice, healthy dose of honesty during the Holidays? Seriously.

After the meal the "Feats of Strength" are performed, involving wrestling the head of the household to the floor, with the holiday ending only if the head of the household is actually pinned. The Holidays just wouldn’t be complete without organized physical confrontation, am I right?

Celebrants of the holiday sometimes refer to it as "Festivus for the rest of us", a saying taken from the O'Keefe family traditions and popularized in the Seinfeld episode to describe Festivus as "another way" to celebrate the season without participating in its pressures and commercialism. God bless the O’Keefe family – we could all learn a thing or two from you folks, as utterly strange as you may be.

Although the original Festivus took place in February 1965, as a celebration of the elder O'Keefe's first date with his future wife, Deborah, it is now celebrated on December 23, as depicted on the December 18, 1997 Seinfeld episode "The Strike”. God I miss Seinfeld. The only thing on TV these days is vacuous reality bullshit.

The original Festivus holiday featured more peculiar practices, as detailed in the younger Daniel O'Keefe's book The Real Festivus. The book provides a first-person account of an early version of the Festivus holiday as celebrated by the O'Keefe family, and how O'Keefe amended or replaced details of his father's invention to create the Seinfeld episode. If you don't already own this book do yourself a favor and buy it. Daniel O’Keefe – you are my hero and your father is brilliant. You may have been scarred for life by this peculiar holiday created and celebrated by your family years ago, but your pain was clearly the rest of the world’s gain.

Happy Festivus to all!

Name Those Headlines

Remember the "Bid-A-Note" round on the popular 80's game show "Name That Tune"? The host would read a clue to a song, and the players would then alternate bidding as to how few notes they needed to identify the song (as in "I can name that tune in six notes"). Bidding ended when one contestant finally challenged the other to "Name That Tune".

Well, for no apparent reason whatsoever I've decided to create a spin-off of that game right here on my blog. The purpose of my game is to see in how few words you can effectively summarize the top three headlines of the week while at the same time creating a common theme for all three headlines. I'll of course go first because I'm the creator of the game and readers can then chime in with comments to see if they can beat me. But remember the words you choose MUST effectively (and hopefully humorously) summarize the stories, and they MUST all follow a common theme. This week's stories include: 1) The Tiger Woods Scandal, 2) The White House party crashers, and 3) Chelsea Clinton's pending nuptials. Hey - this is my blog - I can pick whatever stories I want as the top three headlines. I never said they had to be the most important stories of the week or even the most interesting. Now on to the game:

This week I can summarize the top three headlines in 9 words.

Mr. Quinsey: "Name Those Headlines"

1) Tiger loses roar

2) Cougar craves attention

3) Dog finds bone

I'm such an asshole. Let's see if anyone else can do better.

Good Luck.

Bad Tiger

Am I the only one amused by the subtle irony in the recent Tiger Woods scandal? Dude cheats on his wife then gets his ass beat by said wife with a 7-iron, the very same 7-iron he’s used to become a global sports icon. As he attempts to flee the scene of the scorn-filled beat down she then smashes out the back windows of his pimped-out Escalade with the 7-iron, the very same 7-iron he used to earn the money to buy said Escalade. Oh yes this scandal is wrought with much irony indeed.

A golf club – the tool he uses to hit a little white ball 400 yards on a rope to within feet of a little hole in the ground – it’s what’s made Tiger, Tiger. It’s also what’s given him extreme wealth and riches, fame and notoriety the world over, and let’s face it it’s the only reason he ever landed a wife as hot as Elin in the first place. Seriously - he doesn’t seem to be a particularly nice guy, he doesn’t appear to possess much personality whatsoever, and when he takes his hat off he’s downright ugly. If he wasn’t Tiger Woods “golf god” do you really think Elin would have ever given him the time of day? But no, Elin wasn’t good enough for you, Tiger. You needed some strange so you went out and got your jollies elsewhere (and it sounds like multiple elsewhere’s based on recent developments - ouch). Hey Eldrick – when your fans yell “put it in the hole” you do know they’re talking about golf, right? Just think about how difficult it must have been for that beautiful creature to procreate with your ugly ass. She probably had to take pills just to keep from vomiting. And you had the audacity to cheat on her? But alas, in a swift moment of oh so poetic justice she got even by going meat tenderizer on your adultering ass with a… wait for it… a golf club, the very instrument which created you. She could have picked any number of other convenient objects to do the job: a baseball bat, a candle stick, even a mallet, but no she chose a golf club and do you think this was just a happy coincidence? Well done, Elin. I like your style.

The subtle irony is not the best part of this story however. The best part is that it illustrates one of life's most simple truths: No man no matter who they are (not even a legendary sports icon like Tiger) is above the basic laws of human decency. To put it another way if you cheat on the person you committed to forever there will be a hefty price to pay. Oh but he’s Tiger Woods – just think about all the women who must be throwing themselves at him on a daily basis. With temptation like that how can you really blame him for his indiscretions, right? Bullshit - at the end of the day we all have free will and we are all accountable for our actions, even the great Tiger Woods. He got caught with his pants down and just look at the fallout: His reputation is tarnished forever, his hot wife will likely leave him (if she’s not a doormat like Kobe’s wife), she will most certainly take half his shit with her, and the majority of his sponsors will probably pull the plug on their endorsement deals with him. And it’s all because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. I was at the airport the other day and I saw an advertisement that cleverly correlated challenges experienced on the golf course with challenges experienced in the business world. At the bottom of the sign was a picture of Tiger Woods with that stoic look on his face and the caption read: “Go on, be a Tiger”. Suddenly that slogan seems to have lost all of its luster (there goes your Accenture sponsorship, douche bag).

The moral of this story is simple: Don’t cheat on your wife, it never ends well.

Sobriety: I Don't Get It

People who never drink alcohol make me nervous. They may have a very good reason for not drinking such as addiction, allergies, obesity, religion, etc. But nonetheless they still make me nervous. I can see them looking at me with their judgmental eyes as I consume my chilled beverage and embark upon that joyful journey from sobriety to Funtown. They might have more living brain cells than me, they might live a longer life than me, and they might never do stupid things they’ll regret in the morning like me, but just think of all the things they’re missing out on:

• Boring people will never be even remotely interesting

• Live concerts will never sound quite as good or be quite as moving the experience

• Ugly people will remain just that

• Greasy, fatty food at 2:00 am in the morning will never be a culinary treat

• At live sporting events they’ll never be quite the fan they could be

• They’ll realize they have no business dancing in public and ruin the show for the rest of us

• Every time they use their phone late at night it will be a “sober dial” and where’s the fun in that?

• They’ll have to deal with their stress using healthy means like exercise and therapy – booooring.

• When they do stupid shit they won’t be able to blame it on the booze – personal responsibility is so overrated.

• And how about the gratuitous delight that is unapologetic, sloppy drunk sex? You can’t do that sober.

I could go on and on with this list, but you get the gist. Drinking alcohol is nothing to look down on. If anything those of us who do drink should feel sorry for all the people who don’t drink. How difficult it must be for them to carry on a conversation with a person they don’t like and pretend to give a shit. Or attend an obligatory work function and not act like they’d rather be someplace else, anyplace else. Or try to pick up on a chick in a bar without the proper amount of social lubrication. Or try to hit a golf ball straight on the golf course without an ample dosage of aiming sauce. Or even just get through the minutia of everyday life without a couple pops during work hours. Um… perhaps I’ve said too much. Ah fuck it – I could literally give two shits what anyone else thinks of me. It’s actually a very liberating feeling – you should try it sometime.

Bartender – another round. Cheers to being a hot mess.

Why My Wife Thinks I'm An Asshole

I know my wife loves me but she also thinks I'm an asshole. Why? It's probably because I was born without a filter and freely share my opinions no matter how untimely, inappropriate, or distasteful they might be. My poor wife is with me constantly and therefore hears way more about my thoughts, opinions, and observations than anyone should ever have to. As an example here's six quick commentaries in no particular order on random things I've experienced over the past week or so. Clearly my wife should get a medal for sticking with me as long as she has. Come to think of it the title of this post might actually be the perfect title for my first book: "Why My Wife Thinks I'm An Asshole" - it's got a nice ring to it. Now on to the commentaries:

European tourists. Dear European tourists visiting the United States: what you do in Europe is your business but when you visit our country please shower regularly, brush your teeth daily, and wear deodorant whenever you go out in public. In the United States personal hygiene is not an option, its’ a rule, okay? You also need to respect other people’s personal space. Try this - pretend like everyone has a force field that extends three feet out from every part of their body. When you penetrate this force field you’re too fucking close, got it? Thanks.

Al Roker. I love you big man but could you please stop discriminating against non-black people every morning on “The Today Show”? Seriously, without fail every time you go outside to mingle with “The Today Show” crowd you go out of your way to seek out a token black person to put on TV while countless deserving non-black people get left out in the cold (literally). Just the other morning I watched you pass up an adorable, non-black kid who spent all night making a stupid sign that read “Happy Birthday Grammie”, for a fat, black chick named Shirley who wanted to show you a picture of her cats. Come on Al, you don’t see Lauer cherry-picking tall, white people out of the crowd to put on TV, do you?

Boy Scouts. Why the hell would you enroll your kid in Boy Scouts? Do you want to guarantee that the poor lad doesn’t get laid till he’s thirty? What? You think I’m being too harsh? Take your kid to school on the day the Scouts are wearing their uniforms, or sashes, or whatever the hell it is that they wear. I’ll bet you dollars for doughnuts that 80% no scratch that 90% of the kids in uniform are on a one way track to Nerdville. Just because your kid’s not good in sports doesn’t mean you have to ruin his life by making him a Boy Scout. Buy him guitar lessons, or teach him how to pick locks, whatever – just keep him the hell out of the Boy Scouts.

Southwest Airlines. I fucking hate Southwest Airlines. The other day I arrive two hours early for my flight to San Jose. When I check in I’m sure there’ll be an A on my boarding pass or worst case I’ll be in the first half of the B group. Either way I’m sure to avoid the dreaded middle seat death sentence that is group C, right? Wrong. Two fucking hours early and I end up in group fucking C. As I walk towards the back of the plane browsing through my abysmal middle seat options it strikes me what a problem obesity in America has truly become. I bet there weren’t more than a handful of people on the entire plane who could even spell the word salad. In case you’re wondering I ended up next to a fat, old lady who smelled like a mixture of moth balls and urine, and a skinny, Indian dude who smelled like he’d just bathed in curry. Did I mention I fucking hate Southwest Airlines?

The lower class. You constantly hear liberal politicians rambling on about policies and programs aimed at helping the lower class. If only they got a break from the government they would be able to better themselves and pull themselves out of poverty, blah blah blah. Well, here’s the problem with that logic: the lower class is the lower class for a reason. It’s not because they were born into it and simply need a helping hand to get out of it (see the fucked up Welfare system). No, the lower class is the lower class because they lack the basic intelligence necessary to be anything else. What makes it worse is that stupid people are generally attracted to other stupid people. When two stupid people get together they’ll inevitably have stupid sex and create… stupid babies of course. So like begets like and the vicious cycle is unbroken. Granted there are exceptions to every rule and occasionally a smart kid will get stuck in a tough situation. But if they’re truly smart and they truly want a better life they’ll figure out a way to rise above (see countless success stories of rich & famous people who started out poor). The net of the situation is that broad-stroke programs aimed at helping the lower class as a whole are completely pointless. Let the stupid people of society wallow in the depths of their own ineptitude and focus on problems that actually can be solved.

Racism. I recently had several soccer coaches from the UK staying at my house as part of an AYSO soccer coaching program. They were very nice guys and one of them happened to be black. I’m not sure how we got on the subject but one day we had a conversation about racism. He explained that throughout his entire life he had never experienced a single instance of racism. He went on to say that racism basically does not exist in the UK. He asked me why I thought racism exists in the United States. I didn’t have a good answer but I thought about it more later that day after our conversation was over. Why does racism exist in the US? I can think of no other reason other than the United States, and in particular the South, is filled with ignorant idiots. We’re supposed to be the greatest country in the world yet we have segments of our population that hate other segments of the population simply because of the color of their skin. Think about that. How fucking stupid do you have to be to hate someone simply because they’re different than you? It gets back to my previous point about the lower class and their severe lack of intelligence. Not surprising that much of the lower class resides in the South where racism is most prevalent. Could someone please draft a bill that promotes secession of the Southern states? Unlike 1861 we’ll let you stay separate this time. Never thought I’d envy Europe for anything. Guess I was wrong.

Letter to Kanye West

Dear Kanye,

Well done. Last night at MTV’s Video Music Awards 17-year-old country sensation Taylor Swift won the award for Best Female Video of the Year for “You Belong To Me,” but didn’t get the chance to finish her acceptance speech thanks to you, who took the stage to interrupt her.

“Thank you so much! I always dreamed about what it would be like to maybe win one of these someday but I never actually thought it would happen,” Swift said as she accepted the award, choking up. “I sing country music so thank you so much for giving me the chance to win a VMA award.”

But before she could continue you took the stage to praise one of her competitors, Beyonce, who was nominated for “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).”

“Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’m [going to] let you finish — but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time,” you said, earning the boos of the crowd as Beyonce looked on shocked in the audience.

You were reportedly kicked out of the ceremony shortly thereafter.

Sadly this behavior is nothing new for you, is it Kanye?

In November, 2004, at the American Music Awards, you lost as best new artist to country star Gretchen Wilson – and stormed out of the show. "I was definitely robbed," you later told the Associated Press. "I was the best new artist this year."

Yeah man – fuck those guys – they wouldn’t know true talent if it hit em square in the face.

In September, 2005, at what was supposed to be a Red Cross fund-raising drive for victims of Hurricane Katrina, you delivered a minute-long televised rant criticizing the government's response to the disaster: "George Bush doesn't care about black people," you said. Your comments aired live on NBC on the East Coast and, although they were edited from the West Coast version, the clip went viral. The following week, you were unapologetic. "People have lost their lives, lost their families,” you said. "It's the least I could do to go up there and say something from my heart."

Hell yeah brutha – gotta represent for your peeps – I'm feelin you man.

In November, 2006, after picking up the best hip-hop artist award at the MTV Europe Music Awards, you lost best video to French duo Justice vs. Simian. Outraged, you crashed the stage and interrupted their acceptance speech with a profanity-laced rant: "If I don't win," you said, "the award show loses credibility."

Yup – fuck those Euros – what the hell do they know, anyway?

In September, 2007, at the VMA’s, despite five nominations, you failed to win a single trophy - your second straight year going home empty-handed. In reaction you threw a tantrum backstage. "Give a black man a chance," you yelled. "That's two years in a row!" You then declared that you would never come back to an MTV award show.

The institution’s been tryin to hold down the black man for years – bout time somebody took a stand.

Unfortunately you didn’t stick to your declaration and last night you created a highly uncomfortable situation for young Taylor Swift, while making a huge ass out of yourself in the process. The saddest thing about this latest display, Kanye, is that you probably don't think you did anything wrong. In your twisted mind, you probably figure Beyonce lost the award to Taylor Swift because she’s black and Taylor Swift is white, so therefore your actions were completely justified. Sound about right?

Memo to Kanye West: Dude, the race card is a tired act. You don’t get passed over for awards and ridiculed on shows like South Park and Saturday Night Live because you’re black. No, it happens because you’re an asshole. It’s not all about you, Kanye. As difficult as it is for your tiny mind to comprehend there are actually other talented musicians out there, some who are even more talented than you and the musicians you choose to admire. So stop acting like a spoiled, whiney little bitch every time things don’t go your way, and start acting like a person who deserves the respect of the public. Until then piss off dude. Seriously.

Regards,

The Quinsey Blog

Resident Scumbag Mike Duvall Caught With Pants Down

Will the biggest idiot in the room please stand up? That’s right ladies and gentlemen - it’s California assemblyman Michael Duvall, Orange County’s 72nd Assembly District Representative and a crusader for conservative “family values”.

In July of this year - just two days after Assembly Speaker Karen Bass and Republican leader Sam Blakeslee put Duvall on the Rules Committee that oversees member ethics - the second-term, Republican assemblyman sat in a public hearing and vividly described lewd details about his trysts with a female lobbyist whose clients had business before another committee on which Duvall sits. What Duvall didn’t realize at the time was that he made the comments into a live microphone. That’s right folks - the microphone directly in front of his face was hot. Apparently it was turned on about a minute before the start of a cable-televised committee hearing, which gave Duvall just enough time to flush his entire career down the toilet. What makes this development even more ironic is that earlier this year Duvall received "100 percent" approval scores from the California Republican Assembly, the state's leading conservative outfit, and the Capitol Resource Institute (CRI), a fierce guardian of traditional family values.


“Assemblyman Duvall has been a consistent trooper for the conservative causes,” CRI president Karen England announced in March. “For the last two years, he has voted time and time again to protect and preserve family values in California. We are grateful for his support of California families.”

Fucking priceless. Dude receives 100 percent approval scores and is lauded by the CRI for being a fierce guardian of traditional family values, and not four months later he’s caught describing the sordid details of his affair with a married lobbyist into a hot microphone at a capitol hearing no less. Did I mention he’s also married with two grown children of his own? What a dipshit. Apparently his hypocrisy knows no bounds.

Duvall, speaking to a relatively mum Republican colleague seated to his left (assemblyman Jeff Miller, R-Corona), was captured in the middle of recounting portions of an affair.


"She wears little eye-patch underwear," said Duvall, who is married with two children. "So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And
 so, we had made love Wednesday--a lot! And so she'll, she's all, 'I am going up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me!' So messy!"

Just when we’d gotten the horrible image of President Clinton blowing his load all over that portly intern… now this. Thanks for the disgusting and equally disturbing visual, assemblyman Duvall (or should I say former assemblyman?). Who’s going to be paying for my therapy this time?

Duvall--who was twice president of the Yorba Linda Chamber of Commerce, served two terms as mayor of Yorba Linda before entering the assembly in 2006, and is the owner of an insurance agency--continues his tale:

"So, I am getting into spanking her. Yeah, I like it. I like spanking her. She goes, 'I know you like spanking me.' I said, 'Yeah! Because you're such a bad girl!” He then laughed.

Mikey – you sick, old son of a bitch. How uh… ? Why uh… ? Nevermind – just read on. It gets even better.

The assemblyman representing Anaheim, Fullerton, Placentia, Orange, Brea, La
 Habra and Yorba Linda then offered clues to the identity of his sex partner.


"And so her birthday was Monday," he said at the Wednesday, July 8 committee hearing. "I was 54 on June 14, so for a month, she was 19 years younger than 
me. I said, 'Now, you're getting old. I am going to have to trade you in.' And she goes, '[I'm] 36.' She is 18 years younger than me. And so I keep teasing her, and she goes, 'I know you French men. You divide your age by two and add seven, and if you're older than that, you dump us.”

According to voter-registration records, veteran Sacramento-based lobbyist Heidi DeJong Barsuglia turned 36 years old on Monday, July 6. Oops – I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Nice work assemblyman, now you’ve not only ruined your career but also the career of the slut who was banging you.

Legislative sources say they have witnessed Duvall, who is vice chairman of the Assembly's powerful Committee on Utilities & Commerce, socializing after-hours with Barsuglia. Sources--who asked for anonymity because of Duvall's power in the capitol--say Susan Duvall usually stays in Orange County during the week, when her husband flies to Sacramento. They also say they have seen Duvall with Barsuglia in restaurants, "arm-in-arm" at political fund-raising events, and even shopping together for groceries just blocks from the capitol building.


"Their relationship is the worst-kept secret in Sacramento," a capitol staffer recently told me. "He's old and fat. She's hot, blonde and about 20
years younger. He could have never gotten a woman like that before he got
this job.”

First off I must disagree with the statement that she’s “hot, blonde and about 20 years younger” (see picture at top of this post). She is blonde and about 20 years younger than Duvall, but she’s certainly not hot. Especially not with Duvall’s gross old-man stew oozing out of her… sorry - uncalled for I know – couldn’t resist. But he's probably right - no way she bangs him for free.

Which brings us to the collusion part of our story. In April--two months after Duvall became vice chairman of the Utilities & Commerce committee--privately owned California utility giant Sempra Energy hired Barsuglia as one of its top lobbyists, according to Secretary of State records. The San Diego-based utility conglomerate isn't shy about lobbying
 lawmakers for favorable treatment. This session, they gave Duvall $1,500 in campaign contributions. In May, the assemblyman officially adopted the company's negative view on Assembly Bill 64, which proposes increasing the percentage of electricity the utilities must procure from environmentally
sensitive sources.


Sempra's 2008-2009 "Code of Business Conduct" states, "We've built [the company's] rich tradition because of the emphasis we place on ethical business conduct and compliance with the laws and regulations that govern
our business. We don't compromise on either for the sake of success".

Hiring a round-heeled lobbyist to fuck a gross, old assemblyman in exchange for his political support? Yeah – sounds like Sempra’s a pretty ethical organization to me. You think I can get a break on my electric bill if I proposition the meter maid?
Apparently Barsuglia wasn’t the only two-bit tramp Duvall was laying the wood to as he went on to reference a second, simultaneous affair with another married lobbyist. He seemed amused that he was cheating on both his wife and a mistress.

"Oh, yeah, Sher, Shar, Shar," Duvall said. "Oh, she is hot! I talked to her yesterday. She goes, 'So are we finished?' I go, 'No, we're not finished.' I go, 'You know about the other one [Barsuglia], but she doesn't know about you!” The assemblyman punctuated his observation with more laughter.

Wow – talk about a blind squirrel finding an acorn in the snow. This fat, old fucker found not one but two women who were willing to indulge in his sick sexual trysts, albeit with a political agenda in mind. If you think about it this story really gives new meaning to the term community outreach. Taxpayer and ratepayer money “hard” at work if you get what I mean. I know, I know – indulgent – couldn’t help myself.

In a recent development to this story assemblyman Duvall, who stepped down immediately after legislative leaders stripped him of his committee posts and launched an ethics probe of his actions, came out this morning and denied having any affairs.

"I want to make it clear that my decision to resign is in no way an admission that I had an affair or affairs," Duvall said in a statement on his website. "My offense was engaging in inappropriate story-telling and I regret my language and choice of words. The resulting media coverage was proving to be an unneeded distraction to my colleagues and I resigned in the hope that my decision would allow them to return to the business of the state."

So you made the whole thing up, huh assemblyman? On the one hand I want to believe you because the thought of you naked having sex with anyone makes me want to stab out my eyes with a hot poker (no pun intended), but on the other hand you’re a fat, fast-talking politician so my gut tells me you’re full of shit.

Your latest move is certainly a head-scratcher though. You could’ve easily come clean, admitted your indiscretions, and used the dirty bribe money you’ve obviously been accepting from day one you took office to fund a nice, quiet retirement. But instead you decide to lie about the affairs and will now undoubtedly be dragged before some legislative committee where you’ll be put under oath. If you lie under oath and get caught (which let’s face it - you will), you’ll be promptly fitted for an orange jumpsuit and dragged off to the hoosegow where the only action you’ll get will be Borat’s ass-pussy. Nice work, dumbfuck. You wouldn’t happen to be using the same legal adviser as Rod Blagojevich would you?

As TV camera crews chased lawmakers through capitol corridors for comment on the scandal Wednesday, the place was abuzz with gossip: other lawmakers with lobbyist mistresses, inappropriate invitations to romantic dinners, married legislators and industry officials canoodling at fundraisers and after-hours mixers. Duvall, some said, just happened to get caught.

Which paints a picture that the state legislature of California is nothing more than a cesspool of crooks, pimps, hookers, sex, and corruption masquerading as a network of elected public officials operating in the best interests of the people. Wow. God bless politics and God bless America!