Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I was recently watching an interview with a new celebrity mom (Jessica Alba I think) and was struck by some of her comments. She described the birthing process as magical and her new baby as miraculous. Have you ever noticed that most new celeb parents tend to use the same or similar adjectives when discussing their child's births? They inevitably go on to describe parenthood as amazing or the most important thing they've ever done. What a revelation. I'm not questioning their sincerity. They obviously believe deeply in what they are saying. I just think it's fitting how they genuinely seem to feel that their experience is unique unto them. Like no one else has ever experienced childbirth at such a heightened level. Well how could we? After all mere mortal women don't possess the same magical, enchanted vaginas enjoyed by celebrity women, right? And how can celeb's not feel that their newborn babies are somehow special or extraordinary when magazines and tabloids pay millions of dollars just for the opportunity to snap the first photographs of the little miracles? Yes childbirth is the great miracle of life, and yes being a parent is the most important job you'll ever have. But please don't let being famous make you think that your experience is any different than anyone else's. Maybe I'm being too hard on celeb's. Maybe I would've said the exact same things if anyone had bothered to interview me after the birth of my first child. Maybe but I don't think so. The only evidence you really need to prove that celebrity's think their babies are somehow better than the non-famous variety is in the fucked up names they give them:
Kal-El (Nicholas Cage): I hope that kid can fly or he's in for some serious ass-kickings.
Pilot (Jason Lee - dude from Earl): Jason Lee must really like flying?
Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin): It's better than Banana or Orange.
Coco (Courtney Cox & David Arquette): Either they're really big fans of the Red Sox center fielder or they're on drugs.
Kyd (David Duchovny & Tea Leoni): Ha Ha real funny, right up until the first time he gets his ass kicked.
Destry (Steven Spielberg): What the fuck Steven? You have a completely normal name and turned out pretty extraordinary. Couldn't leave it to chance could you?
Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Maddox, and whatever they named the new one (Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie): What do you expect from a chick who wore her husband's blood in a necklace and made out with her brother at the Grammy's?
Memphis (Bono): I guess he thought Knoxville didn't go as good with Hewson.
Ocean (Forest Whitaker): Being named Forest himself he was compelled to stick with the environmental genre.
Prince Michael II AKA Blanket (Michael Jackson): Did you expect anything less bizarre from the King of Weird?
Hopper (Sean Penn & Robin Wright): Hope that kid can jump.
Jaz (Andre Agassi & Steffie Graf): And going for his 6th consecutive Wimbledon title is Jaz Agassi - it actually has a nice ring to it.
Suri (Tom Cruise & his puppet): I actually expected something far more peculiar from these two - very disappointing.
Rumer, Scout, Tallulah (Bruce Willis & Demi Moore): Ashton - stop the insanity. That is if she has any eggs left.
Willow (Will Smith & Jada Pinkett): Either they really like the video game made popular in the late 80's or it's a play on Dad's name. Either way it sucks.
Zola (Eddie Murphy): Eddie - what were you thinking?
Jett (John Travolta & Kelly Preston): Well he is an accomplished pilot. Maybe Travolta's kid should hook up with Jason Lee's kid, find a girl named flight attendant, and the crew will be complete.
Sailor (Christie Brinkley & Peter Cook): Actually pretty normal for a guy who spends $20K month on internet porn - pervert.
Hud & Spec (John Cougar Mellencamp): Can I buy a few more syllables to complete these names Pat?
Honor (Jessica Alba & the luckies man alive): They actually preferred Glory but felt it was too common.
Reignbeau, Freedom (Ving Rhames): Time to lay off on the bong loads big man.
You see their children are simply too amazing and miraculous to have normal names like other kids. So in order to separate them from the masses most celebrities force their kids to live out their entire adult lives with ridiculous, albeit entertaining monikers. Well done celebrity parents. Well done.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
I usually watch the local nightly news on either NBC or ABC because I think their broadcasts are more professional than the other networks. I don't always want to stay awake until 11:00 pm though (I know I know pretty pathetic) so sometimes I resort to watching the Fox news broadcast at 10:00 pm. It definitely leaves something to be desired compared to its 11:00 counterparts, but it does inform on all the bad stuff happening in SoCal and I get an extra hour of sleep so sometimes it's a worth while trade-off. I can tolerate the inordinate amount of gratuitous fluff stories and I'm fine with the B-list studio anchors, but the one thing that drives me f-ing nuts about the Fox news broadcast is investigative reporter, Chris Blatchford. More specifically it's his inability to deliver the news without using an excessive amount of unnecessary pauses. He's a well decorated television reporter (see blurb from myfoxla website below) so I'm not knocking his journalistict talent. What I don't get is why he can't close a story without using at least two or three deliberately placed pauses. Clearly he does it for effect, but for what effect? This is Chris Blatchford.............. Fox 11 News.................and I simply cannot close a story without pausing. And every time he does it he gets this stupid, let's take a few seconds to ponder the mysteries of the universe, look on his face. Chris, what the f- man? Do you talk like that all the time or just when you're on camera? Enough with the pauses already dude. It's great you've won all those Emmy's and the Peabody Award and everything, but no amount of accolades could ever justify your strange penchant for the dramatic pause. Seriously every time you wrap a story I want to punch you in your face. Maybe I do need anger management counseling and perhaps I am overly critical of other people, but I can't possibly be the only one who thinks your frequent, intentional pausing is completely f-ing asinine. Hell maybe I'm the one who's got it wrong. After all you're the one with all the awards. This is John Quinsey...............finishing up my post on Chris Blatchford.................and I may very well have just won a Pullitzer.
KTTV FOX 11 (myfoxla.com) -- It is no wonder Chris Blatchford was once described in Daily Variety as the “highly lauded” investigative reporter from KTTV Fox 11.
He is the only Los Angeles television reporter in history to win a coveted Peabody Award for investigative journalism. Many consider the Peabody the Pulltizer Prize of broadcast journalism.
During his 20-years in Los Angeles, Blatchford has received 9 Emmy awards, 48 Emmy nominations, 10 Golden Mikes, 2 Edward R. Murrow Awards, 7 Regional Associated Press awards, 8 Los Angeles Press Club awards, and numerous other honors.
Although, he is best known for his work in the investigative area, he is arguably the only L.A. TV reporter to receive Emmys and Golden Mikes in all major categories of reporting, including: best investigative, best writing, best feature reporting, best documentary, best hard news reporting, and best news series.