Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Celeb's and their babies



I was recently watching an interview with a new celebrity mom (Jessica Alba I think) and was struck by some of her comments. She described the birthing process as magical and her new baby as miraculous. Have you ever noticed that most new celeb parents tend to use the same or similar adjectives when discussing their child's births? They inevitably go on to describe parenthood as amazing or the most important thing they've ever done. What a revelation. I'm not questioning their sincerity. They obviously believe deeply in what they are saying. I just think it's fitting how they genuinely seem to feel that their experience is unique unto them. Like no one else has ever experienced childbirth at such a heightened level. Well how could we? After all mere mortal women don't possess the same magical, enchanted vaginas enjoyed by celebrity women, right? And how can celeb's not feel that their newborn babies are somehow special or extraordinary when magazines and tabloids pay millions of dollars just for the opportunity to snap the first photographs of the little miracles? Yes childbirth is the great miracle of life, and yes being a parent is the most important job you'll ever have. But please don't let being famous make you think that your experience is any different than anyone else's. Maybe I'm being too hard on celeb's. Maybe I would've said the exact same things if anyone had bothered to interview me after the birth of my first child. Maybe but I don't think so. The only evidence you really need to prove that celebrity's think their babies are somehow better than the non-famous variety is in the fucked up names they give them:

Kal-El (Nicholas Cage): I hope that kid can fly or he's in for some serious ass-kickings.

Pilot (Jason Lee - dude from Earl): Jason Lee must really like flying?

Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin): It's better than Banana or Orange.

Coco (Courtney Cox & David Arquette): Either they're really big fans of the Red Sox center fielder or they're on drugs.

Kyd (David Duchovny & Tea Leoni): Ha Ha real funny, right up until the first time he gets his ass kicked.

Destry (Steven Spielberg): What the fuck Steven? You have a completely normal name and turned out pretty extraordinary. Couldn't leave it to chance could you?

Zahara, Pax, Shiloh, Maddox, and whatever they named the new one (Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie): What do you expect from a chick who wore her husband's blood in a necklace and made out with her brother at the Grammy's?

Memphis (Bono): I guess he thought Knoxville didn't go as good with Hewson.

Ocean (Forest Whitaker): Being named Forest himself he was compelled to stick with the environmental genre.

Prince Michael II AKA Blanket (Michael Jackson): Did you expect anything less bizarre from the King of Weird?

Hopper (Sean Penn & Robin Wright): Hope that kid can jump.

Jaz (Andre Agassi & Steffie Graf): And going for his 6th consecutive Wimbledon title is Jaz Agassi - it actually has a nice ring to it.

Suri (Tom Cruise & his puppet): I actually expected something far more peculiar from these two - very disappointing.

Rumer, Scout, Tallulah (Bruce Willis & Demi Moore): Ashton - stop the insanity. That is if she has any eggs left.

Willow (Will Smith & Jada Pinkett): Either they really like the video game made popular in the late 80's or it's a play on Dad's name. Either way it sucks.

Zola (Eddie Murphy): Eddie - what were you thinking?

Jett (John Travolta & Kelly Preston): Well he is an accomplished pilot. Maybe Travolta's kid should hook up with Jason Lee's kid, find a girl named flight attendant, and the crew will be complete.

Sailor (Christie Brinkley & Peter Cook): Actually pretty normal for a guy who spends $20K month on internet porn - pervert.

Hud & Spec (John Cougar Mellencamp): Can I buy a few more syllables to complete these names Pat?

Honor (Jessica Alba & the luckies man alive): They actually preferred Glory but felt it was too common.

Reignbeau, Freedom (Ving Rhames): Time to lay off on the bong loads big man.

You see their children are simply too amazing and miraculous to have normal names like other kids. So in order to separate them from the masses most celebrities force their kids to live out their entire adult lives with ridiculous, albeit entertaining monikers. Well done celebrity parents. Well done.