Monday, August 4, 2008
You might be a tool if...
Everyone's heard the Jeff Foxworthy bit "You might be a redneck if..." Pretty funny stuff if you can get past the Southern drawl. I went with the same format but changed the theme in order to capture a list of the annoying habits, behaviors, and characteristics of those people who nobody wants to spend time with or be associated with in any way. Those people we pity for their ignorance and lack of self awareness, yet want to punch in the face at the very same time. Those people we can't help but talk about and ridicule the moment they leave the room. Those people who I like to affectionately refer to as tools. A variation on this moniker might be tool box, tool chest, tool bag, or anything else clever you can come up with. Now for the list (which is an on-going work in progress). Please add your own items by posting a comment.
You might be a tool if...
You wear a bluetooth headset all the time, even when you're not talking on the phone. We all know this guy.
You've ever worn a fanny pack.
You bum rush the gate when the flight attendant calls your group number like you're dashing for the front row at a general admission rock concert (I know I know the overhead storage is limited which brings us to the next item on our list).
You insist on traveling with (2) huge carry-ons because you don't believe in checking luggage, and are subsequently the guy who slows down the entire boarding process as you struggle to jam your military sized duffle bags into the overhead compartments.
You tell people you hardly know about your problems.
You tuck your t-shirt into your jeans, with no belt of course.
You tell people you hardly know about your accomplishments.
You currently own a pair of jorts (jean shorts). If you owned a pair in the 80's you get a pass because I did too.
You're a dude and you know every step of the electric slide (this might also mean you're gay).
Your idea of a fun night out on the town includes karaoke.
You insist on splitting checks down to the penny when dining out with friends and you use a calculator to figure out the tip.
You consider video gaming to be a sport.
You prefer futbol over football (you get a pass if you're foreign).
You currently own a Member's Only jacket. Again if you owned one in the 80's you get a pass because hell, who didn't?
You sing excessively loud at church or during the national anthem because you think you have a good voice and want other people to hear it.
You've ever practiced your cool walk in the mirror before unleashing it on the public.
Your ipod contains any song from any boy band ever.
Your personal license plate reads: IPLY2WN (I just saw this deuche on the road a few days ago).
You've ever worn a mesh tank top (this might also be another sign that you're gay).
You roll up the sleeves of your t-shirt to show of your guns.
You spend more time playing fantasy football than you do watching actual football.
You've ever worn a pair of Crocs (even if you've just worn them around the house that counts too).
You've altered your car in any way to make it louder.
You can't walk by a mirror without flexing.
You're a dude and you have a pony tail (this only looks cool if you're Steven Segal).
Your personal license plate reads: WNRGOHM (this f*ck must live by me because I see him on the road constantly).
You coach kid's soccer and suit up in full uniform (down to the shin guards) for practices and games.
You drive around in your car with your shirt off (if you're this guy you're likely driving a mustang or a camaro).
You work out at the gym in a wife beater.
You've ever worn matching outfits with your wife or girlfriend (I don't care how hot she is or how whipped you are - still unacceptable).
You have any kind of personalized license plate.
You drive an H2 or gulp, an H3.