Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Happy Festivus To All!

Festivus is a secular holiday celebrated on December 23rd. It was created by writer Dan O'Keefe and introduced into popular culture by his son Daniel, a screenwriter for the TV show Seinfeld as part of a comical storyline on the show. The holiday's celebration, as shown on Seinfeld, includes an aluminum "Festivus pole", practices such as the "Airing of Grievances" and the "Feats of Strength", and the labeling of easily explainable events as "Festivus miracles".

In the "Airing of Grievances", which occurs during the Festivus meal, each person tells everyone else all the ways they have disappointed him or her over the past year. A great way to bring loved ones closer together in my opinion. What family wouldn’t benefit from a nice, healthy dose of honesty during the Holidays? Seriously.

After the meal the "Feats of Strength" are performed, involving wrestling the head of the household to the floor, with the holiday ending only if the head of the household is actually pinned. The Holidays just wouldn’t be complete without organized physical confrontation, am I right?

Celebrants of the holiday sometimes refer to it as "Festivus for the rest of us", a saying taken from the O'Keefe family traditions and popularized in the Seinfeld episode to describe Festivus as "another way" to celebrate the season without participating in its pressures and commercialism. God bless the O’Keefe family – we could all learn a thing or two from you folks, as utterly strange as you may be.

Although the original Festivus took place in February 1965, as a celebration of the elder O'Keefe's first date with his future wife, Deborah, it is now celebrated on December 23, as depicted on the December 18, 1997 Seinfeld episode "The Strike”. God I miss Seinfeld. The only thing on TV these days is vacuous reality bullshit.

The original Festivus holiday featured more peculiar practices, as detailed in the younger Daniel O'Keefe's book The Real Festivus. The book provides a first-person account of an early version of the Festivus holiday as celebrated by the O'Keefe family, and how O'Keefe amended or replaced details of his father's invention to create the Seinfeld episode. If you don't already own this book do yourself a favor and buy it. Daniel O’Keefe – you are my hero and your father is brilliant. You may have been scarred for life by this peculiar holiday created and celebrated by your family years ago, but your pain was clearly the rest of the world’s gain.

Happy Festivus to all!

Friday, December 4, 2009

Name Those Headlines

Remember the "Bid-A-Note" round on the popular 80's game show "Name That Tune"? The host would read a clue to a song, and the players would then alternate bidding as to how few notes they needed to identify the song (as in "I can name that tune in six notes"). Bidding ended when one contestant finally challenged the other to "Name That Tune".

Well, for no apparent reason whatsoever I've decided to create a spin-off of that game right here on my blog. The purpose of my game is to see in how few words you can effectively summarize the top three headlines of the week while at the same time creating a common theme for all three headlines. I'll of course go first because I'm the creator of the game and readers can then chime in with comments to see if they can beat me. But remember the words you choose MUST effectively (and hopefully humorously) summarize the stories, and they MUST all follow a common theme. This week's stories include: 1) The Tiger Woods Scandal, 2) The White House party crashers, and 3) Chelsea Clinton's pending nuptials. Hey - this is my blog - I can pick whatever stories I want as the top three headlines. I never said they had to be the most important stories of the week or even the most interesting. Now on to the game:

This week I can summarize the top three headlines in 9 words.

Mr. Quinsey: "Name Those Headlines"

1) Tiger loses roar

2) Cougar craves attention

3) Dog finds bone

I'm such an asshole. Let's see if anyone else can do better.

Good Luck.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Bad Tiger

Am I the only one amused by the subtle irony in the recent Tiger Woods scandal? Dude cheats on his wife then gets his ass beat by said wife with a 7-iron, the very same 7-iron he’s used to become a global sports icon. As he attempts to flee the scene of the scorn-filled beat down she then smashes out the back windows of his pimped-out Escalade with the 7-iron, the very same 7-iron he used to earn the money to buy said Escalade. Oh yes this scandal is wrought with much irony indeed.

A golf club – the tool he uses to hit a little white ball 400 yards on a rope to within feet of a little hole in the ground – it’s what’s made Tiger, Tiger. It’s also what’s given him extreme wealth and riches, fame and notoriety the world over, and let’s face it it’s the only reason he ever landed a wife as hot as Elin in the first place. Seriously - he doesn’t seem to be a particularly nice guy, he doesn’t appear to possess much personality whatsoever, and when he takes his hat off he’s downright ugly. If he wasn’t Tiger Woods “golf god” do you really think Elin would have ever given him the time of day? But no, Elin wasn’t good enough for you, Tiger. You needed some strange so you went out and got your jollies elsewhere (and it sounds like multiple elsewhere’s based on recent developments - ouch). Hey Eldrick – when your fans yell “put it in the hole” you do know they’re talking about golf, right? Just think about how difficult it must have been for that beautiful creature to procreate with your ugly ass. She probably had to take pills just to keep from vomiting. And you had the audacity to cheat on her? But alas, in a swift moment of oh so poetic justice she got even by going meat tenderizer on your adultering ass with a… wait for it… a golf club, the very instrument which created you. She could have picked any number of other convenient objects to do the job: a baseball bat, a candle stick, even a mallet, but no she chose a golf club and do you think this was just a happy coincidence? Well done, Elin. I like your style.

The subtle irony is not the best part of this story however. The best part is that it illustrates one of life's most simple truths: No man no matter who they are (not even a legendary sports icon like Tiger) is above the basic laws of human decency. To put it another way if you cheat on the person you committed to forever there will be a hefty price to pay. Oh but he’s Tiger Woods – just think about all the women who must be throwing themselves at him on a daily basis. With temptation like that how can you really blame him for his indiscretions, right? Bullshit - at the end of the day we all have free will and we are all accountable for our actions, even the great Tiger Woods. He got caught with his pants down and just look at the fallout: His reputation is tarnished forever, his hot wife will likely leave him (if she’s not a doormat like Kobe’s wife), she will most certainly take half his shit with her, and the majority of his sponsors will probably pull the plug on their endorsement deals with him. And it’s all because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. I was at the airport the other day and I saw an advertisement that cleverly correlated challenges experienced on the golf course with challenges experienced in the business world. At the bottom of the sign was a picture of Tiger Woods with that stoic look on his face and the caption read: “Go on, be a Tiger”. Suddenly that slogan seems to have lost all of its luster (there goes your Accenture sponsorship, douche bag).

The moral of this story is simple: Don’t cheat on your wife, it never ends well.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Sobriety: I Don't Get It

People who never drink alcohol make me nervous. They may have a very good reason for not drinking such as addiction, allergies, obesity, religion, etc. But nonetheless they still make me nervous. I see them looking at me with their judgmental eyes as I consume my chilled beverage and embark upon that joyful journey from sobriety to Funtown. They might have more living brain cells than me, they might live a longer life than me, and they might never do stupid things they’ll regret in the morning like me, but just think of all the great things they’re missing out on:

• Boring people will never be even remotely interesting.

• Live concerts will never sound quite as good or be quite as moving an experience.

• Ugly people will remain just that.

• Greasy, fatty food at 2:00 am in the morning will never be such a culinary treat.

• At live sporting events they’ll never be quite as good a fan as they could be.

• They’ll realize they have no business dancing in public and ruin the show for the rest of us.

• Every time they use their phone late at night it will be a “sober dial” and where’s the fun in that?

• They’ll have to deal with their stress using healthy means like exercise and therapy – booooring.

• When they do stupid shit they won’t be able to blame it on the booze – personal responsibility is so overrated.

• And how about the gratuitous delight that is unapologetic, sloppy drunk sex? You can’t do that sober.

I could go on and on with this list, but you get the point. Drinking alcohol is nothing to look down on. If anything those of us who do drink should feel sorry for all the people who don’t. How difficult it must be for them to carry on a conversation with a person they don’t like and pretend to actually give a shit, or attend an obligatory work function and not act like they’d rather be someplace else (anyplace else), or try to pick up on a chick in a bar without the proper amount of social lubrication, or try to hit a golf ball straight on the golf course without an ample dose of aiming sauce, or even just make it through the minutia of everyday life without a couple pops during work hours. Um… perhaps I’ve said too much. Ah fuck it – I could literally give two shits what anyone else thinks of me. Good thing I'm already halfway in the bag.

Cheers to being a hot mess.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Why My Wife Thinks I'm An Asshole

I know my wife loves me but she also thinks I'm an asshole. Why? It's probably because I was born without a filter and freely share my opinions no matter how untimely, inappropriate, or distasteful they might be. My poor wife is with me constantly and therefore hears way more about my thoughts, opinions, and observations than anyone should ever have to. As an example here's six quick commentaries in no particular order on random things I've experienced over the past week or so. Clearly my wife should get a medal for sticking with me as long as she has. Come to think of it the title of this post might actually be the perfect title for my first book: "Why My Wife Thinks I'm An Asshole" - it's got a nice ring to it. Now on to the commentaries:

European tourists. Dear European tourists visiting the United States: what you do in Europe is your business but when you visit our country please shower regularly, brush your teeth daily, and wear deodorant whenever you go out in public. In the United States personal hygiene is not an option, its’ a rule, okay? You also need to respect other people’s personal space. Try this - pretend like everyone has a force field that extends three feet out from every part of their body. When you penetrate this force field you’re too fucking close, got it? Thanks.

Al Roker. I love you big man but could you please stop discriminating against non-black people every morning on “The Today Show”? Seriously, without fail every time you go outside to mingle with “The Today Show” crowd you go out of your way to seek out a token black person to put on TV while countless deserving non-black people get left out in the cold (literally). Just the other morning I watched you pass up an adorable, non-black kid who spent all night making a stupid sign that read “Happy Birthday Grammie”, for a fat, black chick named Shirley who wanted to show you a picture of her cats. Come on Al, you don’t see Lauer cherry-picking tall, white people out of the crowd to put on TV, do you?

Boy Scouts. Why the hell would you enroll your kid in Boy Scouts? Do you want to guarantee that the poor lad doesn’t get laid till he’s thirty? What? You think I’m being too harsh? Take your kid to school on the day the Scouts are wearing their uniforms, or sashes, or whatever the hell it is that they wear. I’ll bet you dollars for doughnuts that 80% no scratch that 90% of the kids in uniform are on a one way track to Nerdville. Just because your kid’s not good in sports doesn’t mean you have to ruin his life by making him a Boy Scout. Buy him guitar lessons, or teach him how to pick locks, whatever – just keep him the hell out of the Boy Scouts.

Southwest Airlines. I fucking hate Southwest Airlines. The other day I arrive two hours early for my flight to San Jose. When I check in I’m sure there’ll be an A on my boarding pass or worst case I’ll be in the first half of the B group. Either way I’m sure to avoid the dreaded middle seat death sentence that is group C, right? Wrong. Two fucking hours early and I end up in group fucking C. As I walk towards the back of the plane browsing through my abysmal middle seat options it strikes me what a problem obesity in America has truly become. I bet there weren’t more than a handful of people on the entire plane who could even spell the word salad. In case you’re wondering I ended up next to a fat, old lady who smelled like a mixture of moth balls and urine, and a skinny, Indian dude who smelled like he’d just bathed in curry. Did I mention I fucking hate Southwest Airlines?

The lower class. You constantly hear liberal politicians rambling on about policies and programs aimed at helping the lower class. If only they got a break from the government they would be able to better themselves and pull themselves out of poverty, blah blah blah. Well, here’s the problem with that logic: the lower class is the lower class for a reason. It’s not because they were born into it and simply need a helping hand to get out of it (see the fucked up Welfare system). No, the lower class is the lower class because they lack the basic intelligence necessary to be anything else. What makes it worse is that stupid people are generally attracted to other stupid people. When two stupid people get together they’ll inevitably have stupid sex and create… stupid babies of course. So like begets like and the vicious cycle is unbroken. Granted there are exceptions to every rule and occasionally a smart kid will get stuck in a tough situation. But if they’re truly smart and they truly want a better life they’ll figure out a way to rise above (see countless success stories of rich & famous people who started out poor). The net of the situation is that broad-stroke programs aimed at helping the lower class as a whole are completely pointless. Let the stupid people of society wallow in the depths of their own ineptitude and focus on problems that actually can be solved.

Racism. I recently had several soccer coaches from the UK staying at my house as part of an AYSO soccer coaching program. They were very nice guys and one of them happened to be black. I’m not sure how we got on the subject but one day we had a conversation about racism. He explained that throughout his entire life he had never experienced a single instance of racism. He went on to say that racism basically does not exist in the UK. He asked me why I thought racism exists in the United States. I didn’t have a good answer but I thought about it more later that day after our conversation was over. Why does racism exist in the US? I can think of no other reason other than the United States, and in particular the South, is filled with ignorant idiots. We’re supposed to be the greatest country in the world yet we have segments of our population that hate other segments of the population simply because of the color of their skin. Think about that. How fucking stupid do you have to be to hate someone simply because they’re different than you? It gets back to my previous point about the lower class and their severe lack of intelligence. Not surprising that much of the lower class resides in the South where racism is most prevalent. Could someone please draft a bill that promotes secession of the Southern states? Unlike 1861, we’ll let you stay separate this time. Never thought I’d envy Europe for anything. Guess I was wrong.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Letter to Kanye West

Dear Kanye,

Well done. Last night at MTV’s Video Music Awards 17-year-old country sensation Taylor Swift won the award for Best Female Video of the Year for “You Belong To Me,” but didn’t get the chance to finish her acceptance speech thanks to you, who took the stage to interrupt her.

“Thank you so much! I always dreamed about what it would be like to maybe win one of these someday but I never actually thought it would happen,” Swift said as she accepted the award, choking up. “I sing country music so thank you so much for giving me the chance to win a VMA award.”

But before she could continue you took the stage to praise one of her competitors, Beyonce, who was nominated for “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).”

“Yo Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’m [going to] let you finish — but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time,” you said, earning the boos of the crowd as Beyonce looked on shocked in the audience.

You were reportedly kicked out of the ceremony shortly thereafter.

Sadly this behavior is nothing new for you, is it Kanye?

In November, 2004, at the American Music Awards, you lost as best new artist to country star Gretchen Wilson – and stormed out of the show. "I was definitely robbed," you later told the Associated Press. "I was the best new artist this year."

Yeah man – fuck those guys – they wouldn’t know true talent if it hit em square in the face.

In September, 2005, at what was supposed to be a Red Cross fund-raising drive for victims of Hurricane Katrina, you delivered a minute-long televised rant criticizing the government's response to the disaster: "George Bush doesn't care about black people," you said. Your comments aired live on NBC on the East Coast and, although they were edited from the West Coast version, the clip went viral. The following week, you were unapologetic. "People have lost their lives, lost their families,” you said. "It's the least I could do to go up there and say something from my heart."

Hell yeah brutha – gotta represent for your peeps – I'm feelin you man.

In November, 2006, after picking up the best hip-hop artist award at the MTV Europe Music Awards, you lost best video to French duo Justice vs. Simian. Outraged, you crashed the stage and interrupted their acceptance speech with a profanity-laced rant: "If I don't win," you said, "the award show loses credibility."

Yup – fuck those Euros – what the hell do they know, anyway?

In September, 2007, at the VMA’s, despite five nominations, you failed to win a single trophy - your second straight year going home empty-handed. In reaction you threw a tantrum backstage. "Give a black man a chance," you yelled. "That's two years in a row!" You then declared that you would never come back to an MTV award show.

The institution’s been tryin to hold down the black man for years – bout time somebody took a stand.

Unfortunately you didn’t stick to your declaration and last night you created a highly uncomfortable situation for young Taylor Swift, while making a huge ass out of yourself in the process. The saddest thing about this latest display, Kanye, is that you probably don't think you did anything wrong. In your twisted mind, you probably figure Beyonce lost the award to Taylor Swift because she’s black and Taylor Swift is white, so therefore your actions were completely justified. Sound about right?

Memo to Kanye West: Dude, the race card is a tired act. You don’t get passed over for awards and ridiculed on shows like South Park and Saturday Night Live because you’re black. No, it happens because you’re an asshole. It’s not all about you, Kanye. As difficult as it is for your tiny mind to comprehend there are actually other talented musicians out there, some who are even more talented than you and the musicians you choose to admire. So stop acting like a spoiled, whiney little bitch every time things don’t go your way, and start acting like a person who deserves the respect of the public. Until then piss off dude. Seriously.


The Quinsey Blog

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Resident Scumbag Mike Duvall Caught With Pants Down

Will the biggest idiot in the room please stand up? That’s right ladies and gentlemen - it’s California assemblyman Michael Duvall, Orange County’s 72nd Assembly District Representative and a crusader for conservative “family values”.

In July of this year - just two days after Assembly Speaker Karen Bass and Republican leader Sam Blakeslee put Duvall on the Rules Committee that oversees member ethics - the second-term, Republican assemblyman sat in a public hearing and vividly described lewd details about his trysts with a female lobbyist whose clients had business before another committee on which Duvall sits. What Duvall didn’t realize at the time was that he made the comments into a live microphone. That’s right folks - the microphone directly in front of his face was hot. Apparently it was turned on about a minute before the start of a cable-televised committee hearing, which gave Duvall just enough time to flush his entire career down the toilet. What makes this development even more ironic is that earlier this year Duvall received "100 percent" approval scores from the California Republican Assembly, the state's leading conservative outfit, and the Capitol Resource Institute (CRI), a fierce guardian of traditional family values.

“Assemblyman Duvall has been a consistent trooper for the conservative causes,” CRI president Karen England announced in March. “For the last two years, he has voted time and time again to protect and preserve family values in California. We are grateful for his support of California families.”

Fucking priceless. Dude receives 100 percent approval scores and is lauded by the CRI for being a fierce guardian of traditional family values, and not four months later he’s caught describing the sordid details of his affair with a married lobbyist into a hot microphone at a capitol hearing no less. Did I mention he’s also married with two grown children of his own? What a dipshit. Apparently his hypocrisy knows no bounds.

Duvall, speaking to a relatively mum Republican colleague seated to his left (assemblyman Jeff Miller, R-Corona), was captured in the middle of recounting portions of an affair.

"She wears little eye-patch underwear," said Duvall, who is married with two children. "So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And
 so, we had made love Wednesday--a lot! And so she'll, she's all, 'I am going up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me!' So messy!"

Just when we’d gotten the horrible image of President Clinton blowing his load all over that portly intern… now this. Thanks for the disgusting and equally disturbing visual, assemblyman Duvall (or should I say former assemblyman?). Who’s going to be paying for my therapy this time?

Duvall--who was twice president of the Yorba Linda Chamber of Commerce, served two terms as mayor of Yorba Linda before entering the assembly in 2006, and is the owner of an insurance agency--continues his tale:

"So, I am getting into spanking her. Yeah, I like it. I like spanking her. She goes, 'I know you like spanking me.' I said, 'Yeah! Because you're such a bad girl!” He then laughed.

Mikey – you sick, old son of a bitch. How uh… ? Why uh… ? Nevermind – just read on. It gets even better.

The assemblyman representing Anaheim, Fullerton, Placentia, Orange, Brea, La
 Habra and Yorba Linda then offered clues to the identity of his sex partner.

"And so her birthday was Monday," he said at the Wednesday, July 8 committee hearing. "I was 54 on June 14, so for a month, she was 19 years younger than 
me. I said, 'Now, you're getting old. I am going to have to trade you in.' And she goes, '[I'm] 36.' She is 18 years younger than me. And so I keep teasing her, and she goes, 'I know you French men. You divide your age by two and add seven, and if you're older than that, you dump us.”

According to voter-registration records, veteran Sacramento-based lobbyist Heidi DeJong Barsuglia turned 36 years old on Monday, July 6. Oops – I guess the cat’s out of the bag. Nice work assemblyman, now you’ve not only ruined your career but also the career of the slut who was banging you.

Legislative sources say they have witnessed Duvall, who is vice chairman of the Assembly's powerful Committee on Utilities & Commerce, socializing after-hours with Barsuglia. Sources--who asked for anonymity because of Duvall's power in the capitol--say Susan Duvall usually stays in Orange County during the week, when her husband flies to Sacramento. They also say they have seen Duvall with Barsuglia in restaurants, "arm-in-arm" at political fund-raising events, and even shopping together for groceries just blocks from the capitol building.

"Their relationship is the worst-kept secret in Sacramento," a capitol staffer recently told me. "He's old and fat. She's hot, blonde and about 20
years younger. He could have never gotten a woman like that before he got
this job.”

First off I must disagree with the statement that she’s “hot, blonde and about 20 years younger” (see picture at top of this post). She is blonde and about 20 years younger than Duvall, but she’s certainly not hot. Especially not with Duvall’s gross old-man stew oozing out of her… sorry - uncalled for I know – couldn’t resist. But he's probably right - no way she bangs him for free.

Which brings us to the collusion part of our story. In April--two months after Duvall became vice chairman of the Utilities & Commerce committee--privately owned California utility giant Sempra Energy hired Barsuglia as one of its top lobbyists, according to Secretary of State records. The San Diego-based utility conglomerate isn't shy about lobbying
 lawmakers for favorable treatment. This session, they gave Duvall $1,500 in campaign contributions. In May, the assemblyman officially adopted the company's negative view on Assembly Bill 64, which proposes increasing the percentage of electricity the utilities must procure from environmentally
sensitive sources.

Sempra's 2008-2009 "Code of Business Conduct" states, "We've built [the company's] rich tradition because of the emphasis we place on ethical business conduct and compliance with the laws and regulations that govern
our business. We don't compromise on either for the sake of success".

Hiring a round-heeled lobbyist to fuck a gross, old assemblyman in exchange for his political support? Yeah – sounds like Sempra’s a pretty ethical organization to me. You think I can get a break on my electric bill if I proposition the meter maid?
Apparently Barsuglia wasn’t the only two-bit tramp Duvall was laying the wood to as he went on to reference a second, simultaneous affair with another married lobbyist. He seemed amused that he was cheating on both his wife and a mistress.

"Oh, yeah, Sher, Shar, Shar," Duvall said. "Oh, she is hot! I talked to her yesterday. She goes, 'So are we finished?' I go, 'No, we're not finished.' I go, 'You know about the other one [Barsuglia], but she doesn't know about you!” The assemblyman punctuated his observation with more laughter.

Wow – talk about a blind squirrel finding an acorn in the snow. This fat, old fucker found not one but two women who were willing to indulge in his sick sexual trysts, albeit with a political agenda in mind. If you think about it this story really gives new meaning to the term community outreach. Taxpayer and ratepayer money “hard” at work if you get what I mean. I know, I know – indulgent – couldn’t help myself.

In a recent development to this story assemblyman Duvall, who stepped down immediately after legislative leaders stripped him of his committee posts and launched an ethics probe of his actions, came out this morning and denied having any affairs.

"I want to make it clear that my decision to resign is in no way an admission that I had an affair or affairs," Duvall said in a statement on his website. "My offense was engaging in inappropriate story-telling and I regret my language and choice of words. The resulting media coverage was proving to be an unneeded distraction to my colleagues and I resigned in the hope that my decision would allow them to return to the business of the state."

So you made the whole thing up, huh assemblyman? On the one hand I want to believe you because the thought of you naked having sex with anyone makes me want to stab out my eyes with a hot poker (no pun intended), but on the other hand you’re a fat, fast-talking politician so my gut tells me you’re full of shit.

Your latest move is certainly a head-scratcher though. You could’ve easily come clean, admitted your indiscretions, and used the dirty bribe money you’ve obviously been accepting from day one you took office to fund a nice, quiet retirement. But instead you decide to lie about the affairs and will now undoubtedly be dragged before some legislative committee where you’ll be put under oath. If you lie under oath and get caught (which let’s face it - you will), you’ll be promptly fitted for an orange jumpsuit and dragged off to the hoosegow where the only action you’ll get will be Borat’s ass-pussy. Nice work, dumbfuck. You wouldn’t happen to be using the same legal adviser as Rod Blagojevich would you?

As TV camera crews chased lawmakers through capitol corridors for comment on the scandal Wednesday, the place was abuzz with gossip: other lawmakers with lobbyist mistresses, inappropriate invitations to romantic dinners, married legislators and industry officials canoodling at fundraisers and after-hours mixers. Duvall, some said, just happened to get caught.

Which paints a picture that the state legislature of California is nothing more than a cesspool of crooks, pimps, hookers, sex, and corruption masquerading as a network of elected public officials operating in the best interests of the people. Wow. God bless politics and God bless America!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Kenny MacAskill Sucks

Below is a copy of the letter FBI Chief Robert Mueller sent to Scotland’s Justice Minister, Kenny MacAskill, in response to MacAskill’s decision to set free convicted murderer / terrorist Abdel Baset al-Megrahi. If you’ll recall Megrahi was the lone terrorist convicted for the bombing of Pan Am Flight 103 in 1988, over Lockerbie, Scotland. The bombing killed 270 people, most of them Americans. In my opinion Mr. Mueller’s letter to MacAskill was far too kind. That being said at the bottom of this post is a letter I wrote to Kenny MacAskill. I think you’ll find it hits the mark just a bit better.


For Immediate Release
August 22, 2009

Washington D.C.
FBI National Press Office
(202) 324-3691

Letter from FBI Director Robert S. Mueller, III, to Scottish Minister Kenny MacAskill

August 21, 2009

The Honorable Kenny MacAskill, MSP
Cabinet Secretary for Justice
Scottish Government
St. Andrew's House
Regent Road
Edinburgh, Scotland, United Kingdom

Dear Mr. Secretary:

Over the years I have been a prosecutor, and recently as the Director of the FBI, I have made it a practice not to comment on the actions of other prosecutors, since only the prosecutor handling the case has all the facts and the law before him in reaching the appropriate decision.

Your decision to release Megrahi causes me to abandon that practice in this case. I do so because I am familiar with the facts, and the law, having been the Assistant Attorney General in charge of the investigation and indictment of Megrahi in 1991. And I do so because I am outraged at your decision, blithely defended on the grounds of "compassion."

Your action in releasing Megrahi is as inexplicable as it is detrimental to the cause of justice. Indeed your action makes a mockery of the rule of law. Your action gives comfort to terrorists around the world who now believe that regardless of the quality of the investigation, the conviction by jury after the defendant is given all due process, and sentence appropriate to the crime, the terrorist will be freed by one man's exercise of "compassion." Your action rewards a terrorist even though he never admitted to his role in this act of mass murder and even though neither he nor the government of Libya ever disclosed the names and roles of others who were responsible.

Your action makes a mockery of the emotions, passions and pathos of all those affected by the Lockerbie tragedy: the medical personnel who first faced the horror of 270 bodies strewn in the fields around Lockerbie, and in the town of Lockerbie itself; the hundreds of volunteers who walked the fields of Lockerbie to retrieve any piece of debris related to the breakup of the plane; the hundreds of FBI agents and Scottish police who undertook an unprecedented global investigation to identify those responsible; the prosecutors who worked for years--in some cases a full career--to see justice done.

But most importantly, your action makes a mockery of the grief of the families who lost their own on December 21, 1988. You could not have spent much time with the families, certainly not as much time as others involved in the investigation and prosecution. You could not have visited the small wooden warehouse where the personal items of those who perished were gathered for identification--the single sneaker belonging to a teenager; the Syracuse sweatshirt never again to be worn by a college student returning home for the holidays; the toys in a suitcase of a businessman looking forward to spending Christmas with his wife and children.

You apparently made this decision without regard to the views of your partners in the investigation and prosecution of those responsible for the Lockerbie tragedy. Although the FBI and Scottish police, and prosecutors in both countries, worked exceptionally closely to hold those responsible accountable, you never once sought our opinion, preferring to keep your own counsel and hiding behind opaque references to "the need for compassion."

You have given the family members of those who died continued grief and frustration. You have given those who sought to assure that the persons responsible would be held accountable the back of your hand. You have given Megrahi a "jubilant welcome" in Tripoli, according to the reporting. Where, I ask, is the justice?

Sincerely yours,

Robert S. Mueller, III


For Immediate Release
September 4, 2009

The Basement of My House
Quinsey Blog Press Office
(800) GET-BENT

Letter from Quinsey Blog Director John D. Quinsey, I, to Scottish Minister Kenny MacAskill

September 3, 2009

The Detestable Kenny MacAskill, MSP
Cabinet Secretary for Egregious Injustice
Scottish Government
St. Andrew's House
Regent Road
Edinburgh, Scotland, United Kingdom

Dear Ass Hat:

Since I established this blog in June of last year I’ve written about a number of different misguided douche bags and the reprehensible decisions they’ve made for which they have no defense. You however just might win the prize for exercising the inexplicably poorest judgment on an international stage. What the fuck were you thinking? Setting free a convicted mass murderer so he can go home to die of cancer at peace with family and friends by his bedside? Not to mention the fact that he received a hero’s welcome upon his return to Libya. I hope you’re happy with yourself, Kenny.

Did you even once stop to consider how your decision would make the friends and family members of the 270 people who perished on Pan Am Flight 103 feel? You might as well have brought all 270 of the deceased back to life and killed them all over again. Seriously, how big of an asshole are you? You freed Megrahi on the grounds of “compassion”. Where was the “compassion” the day he willfully and ruthlessly murdered 270 innocent victims on Pan Am Flight 103? A piece of shit like Megrahi doesn’t deserve compassion. He deserves exactly what’s coming to him and nothing more. Let me ask you this, Kenny? Did Megrahi’s 270 victims get the opportunity to die at home with their friends and family members by their side? No, they were forced to die in a burning plane, scared and alone. So please remind me again Kenny, why Megrahi deserves our “compassion”. Shit, I’d cut off my right arm before extending it to help a dog like Megrahi to his feet. And I have a hard time grasping how anyone else would feel differently, lest a justice minister like yourself.

Which leads one to believe that your decision had very little to do with “compassion” and much more to do with Scotland and England’s oil interests in Libya. If this is indeed the case and all signs point to the fact that it is, know this. There’s blood on your hands Kenny, and blood on the hands of anyone else involved in the making of this decision. I hope you have a hard time sleeping and that you lie awake at night pondering the true malice of your actions. I used to think of Scotland as a land of great tradition with lush landscapes and wonderfully challenging golf courses. Now I’ll think of Scotland as a country of low moral standards with a corrupt government and elected officials who’d gladly sell out their brothers to make a buck. Way to single-handedly ruin the public perception of your entire country, Kenny.

And while on the topic of nationalistic perceptions allow me to chime in on my impressions of Libya. Seriously, a hero’s welcome for a convicted mass murderer? What’s wrong with you, Libya? Bad enough you have a deranged lunatic (Muammar al-Gadafi – yep, that guy) running your country… and now this. Well done Libya, you have truly hit a new low even for you. Something tells me that the fallout from this latest display will likely do irreparable harm to your relations with the West. Your actions were abhorrent and completely indefensible. Enjoy the next century of trade embargos, you dumb fucks. In a very predictable move Ali Aujali, the Libyan ambassador to Washington, came out with a statement saying that Megrahi’s welcoming was not a hero’s welcome for a convicted murderer, but instead a celebration of the homecoming of a dying man who most of Libya believes to be innocent. He even went so far as to say that most of those on the tarmac cheering for Megrahi upon his return were actually members of his extended family and tribe (the crowd was estimated in the thousands which would mean Megrahi has the single largest living extended family in the entire history of the world). Nice try Ali, but nobody’s buying it. Following the Lockerbie bombing in 1988 an extensive investigation was conducted over a period of many months involving over a thousand government, military, and law enforcement personnel from several different countries (including England, Scotland, and the United States). Megrahi’s guilt was proven in a court of law beyond the shadow of a doubt. And I don’t care how you try to spin it, Ali – Libya’s celebration of Megrahi’s return was flat out wrong, albeit not completely unexpected.

Now back to you, Kenny. By freeing Megrahi you caused the detestable celebration of a convicted mass murderer in Libya, which in my book makes you equally detestable. Perhaps you should move to Libya yourself and live amongst the dogs who might more appreciate a man of your moral stature, or lack there of. In summary Kenny, any good you have done throughout your entire miserable existence on this earth (and I doubt there’s been much) was just nullified by your inexplicably bad decision to set free Abdel Baset al-Megrahi. And I don’t care if you were pressured to do so by the Scottish government, or the British parliament, or even Allah himself. You were the trigger man responsible for this egregious injustice so you are the one who must answer for it. May your pasty white ass be chafed by your ridiculous man skirt (or kilt as you Scots like to call it), may you create foul music on your equally ridiculous bagpipes, and may you choke on your disgustingly warm beer, you worthless piece of Scottish shit.

Sarcastically yours,

John D. Quinsey, I
Quinsey Blog Director

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Ode To A Soccer Tool

It’s that time of year again when the days start to get shorter and the leaves begin to change color. Fall is here and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for a new season of AYSO soccer, and time to deal with the socially awkward, sexually frustrated, and oddly motivated individuals who run the local regions of AYSO soccer and who coach (I use the term loosely) the teams our daughters and sons play on. You know the type I’m talking about. The severely misguided yet highly entertaining douche waffles who forget what AYSO soccer is really all about (the kids) and behave like complete assholes in a vicarious attempt to recapture lost glory. They hold formal team meetings when a simple e-mail would suffice, they show up for each practice in ridiculous get-ups (brightly colored jerseys with matching sweat pants, cleats, and shin guards), they use words like pitch and touch line, and they act as though the outcome of each game (or match as they would call it) is a matter of life and death. They also pretty much put their entire lives on hold during the soccer season as they spend more time putting together their line-ups and “game-planning” than they do working at their actual jobs, and spend more time with their fellow board members (getting trained, certified, and attending various board meetings) than they do with their actual family members. But for those noble few who are able to endure and persevere, the sacrifice is well worth it. For if they’re skilled (lucky) enough to capture a league championship at least for a moment anyway their utterly empty lives will have meaning and purpose. What follows is a tribute to the pathetic yet lovable d-bags I speak of. I call it…

Ode To A Soccer Tool

From the first team meeting it was abundantly clear
As you laid out your plans for the upcoming year

You used words like sacrifice, hard work, and desire
You spoke about discipline, mental toughness, and ire?

We all looked around and wondered, is this guy for real?
That’s when you quieted and said sternly, look here’s the deal

I’ve already scouted each team in our bracket
I’ve discovered their weakness and how to attack it

If you stick to my system and don’t get in the way
A championship we will win, our opponents will pay

Just then a nice lady spoke up and said
My daughter has asthma and an over-sized head

She’s allergic to grass and can’t really run
Isn’t 8-year-old soccer just supposed to be fun?

You gave her a look like you wanted her dead
You started to tremble, your skin turned bright red

After a pause and some hesitation you sighed
You gathered yourself then calmly replied

I’m sorry perhaps I wasn’t clear
In U9 we keep score, there are standings this year

It’s competitive soccer, ma’am, whether you like it or not
And it matters if we win or lose, oh it matters a lot

There’ll be no participation trophies or empty pats on the backs
No more equal playing time for the kids who are hacks

We’ll fight hard in each battle and no prisoners we’ll take
We will focus on victory and all that’s at stake

This is soccer jihad people, we are going to war
If your daughter can’t take it then please see the door

The lady took her wheezing candy apple by the hand
“I will go to the board and see to it you’re banned”

She marched toward the door in a huff and then left
You smiled a wry smile, rubbed a finger to your cleft

Any other quitters go ahead and leave now, you spoke
We all stared in amazement, was this some kind of joke?

The first practice arrived and things got even stranger
We started to wonder if our kids were in danger

You showed up early to warm up and stretch out
In a Euro professional futbol jersey, no doubt

In matching sweat pants with the signature swoosh
Wearing full cleats and shin guards, what a douche

You looked like an asshole but it got even worse
As you began to instruct we all learned of your curse

A big game you talked but it was all mirrors and smoke
For you ran like a girl and your drills were a joke

You were born without talent, athletically void
Not unlike that gay dude from Entourage, Lloyd

As you clumsily galloped around the field like a fool
We couldn’t help but imagine what it was like for you back in school

You must have been picked on, and spit on, and teased
You no doubt received wedgies, your lunch money seized

You probably spent much of your time all alone
You never played sports or got calls on the phone

Your only female companionship came from your Mom
You must’ve jerked off a lot and stayed home from the prom

As I look at you now it all makes perfect sense
No wonder you’re creepy and strangely intense

Up to this point in time your life has been crap
Your wife is a cow, your career is a trap

To you soccer is more than just a game to be played
It’s a chance for redemption, albeit delayed

Your life didn’t turn out the way that you planned it
But in soccer people respect you, in fact you demand it

And if luck intervenes and your team wins it all
At least for a moment anyway you can stand tall

For while youth soccer to most doesn’t matter one bit
It matters a lot when your life’s complete shit

So go ahead and dress funny, take it all way too serious
Scream at the ref’s, go completely delirious

Yell at the girls who can’t play in the heat
Refuse to shake hands with the teams you don’t beat

Remember to talk trash to the opposing team’s players
Be quick to start fights with all the naysayers

And no matter what happens know this to be true
People won’t understand for they haven’t a clue

They will heckle and curse you, you’ll be a pariah
Just like that freak from American Idol, Sanjaya

But instead of piling on and making it worse
I’ll be there to support you, you and your curse

And while most people will call you an idiot or fool
I’ll stand up and salute you, you poor soccer tool

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Ambien CR Commercial - Unbelievable

Holy shit – was that a commercial I just watched or a 60 second disclaimer intended to scare the crap out of me? Let me get this straight. The down side of taking Ambien CR is that I might get out of bed in the middle of the night with a hankering for chorizo, drive down to the local Filiberto’s to get my grub on, decide to walk to the bar next door and hit on some dude’s girlfriend, punch him in the face when he confronts me, shroom out and see pink and green elephants in the back of the cop car on the way to the pokey, get gang raped by a group of drunken trannies in the holding cell while the officer I just insulted conveniently looks the other way, wake up the next morning with a sore ass and no recollection as to why, and have a sudden urge to kill myself with the plastic shiv I stole from one of the trannies the night before (assuming my grotesquely swollen tongue hasn’t already done the job). And the upside is I actually stay asleep for 7 to 8 hours, wake up with a bad case of the grogs, and more than likely shit myself on the way to the can. Um… thanks but I think I’ll stick with Vodka and Advil PM.

An excerpt from the Sanofi-Aventis web site:

(and this shit is 100% legal while marijuana is not – go figure)


AMBIEN and AMBIEN CR are treatment options you and your doctor can consider along with lifestyle changes. When taking either of them, don’t drive or operate machinery. Plan to devote 7 to 8 hours to sleep before being active. Sleepwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake, with memory loss for the event, as well as abnormal behaviors such as being more outgoing or aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation, and hallucinations may occur. Don’t take it with alcohol as it may increase these behaviors. In patients with depression, worsening of depression, including risk of suicide may occur. If you experience any of these behaviors contact your doctor immediately. Allergic reactions such as shortness of breath, swelling of your tongue or throat, may occur and in rare cases may be fatal. If you have an allergic reaction while using AMBIEN or AMBIEN CR, contact your doctor immediately. Side effects of AMBIEN CR may include next-day drowsiness, dizziness and headache. There is a low occurrence of side effects associated with the short-term use of AMBIEN. The most commonly observed side effects in controlled clinical trials were drowsiness, dizziness, and diarrhea. AMBIEN is taken for 7 to 10 days –or longer as advised by your provider. AMBIEN CR can be taken as long as your doctor recommends. AMBIEN and AMBIEN CR have some risk of dependency. They are non-narcotic.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Global Warming, Unicorns, and Attractive Fat People

Question: What do global warming, unicorns, and attractive fat people have in common?

Answer: They don’t exist, duh.

To be fair unicorns might actually exist in a parallel universe where the rivers run deep with milk chocolate and jelly beans fall from the sky… and I’ve also heard tales of a deviant societal sub-culture dubbed “chubby chasers” to whom fat people actually are attractive (barf)… but global warming? No, I can tell you with the utmost certainty that global warming most definitely does not exist.

I know I know, we all saw Al Gore’s academy award winning documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth”, and when you see something in a documentary it must be true, right? Wrong. Not only is the earth's atmosphere not warming but scientific evidence shows that it’s actually cooling (according to highly accurate satellite-based temperature measurements the earth’s atmosphere has cooled by 0.13° Celsius since 1979). Granted if you look back a little further the atmosphere has gotten a little warmer (the same atmospheric temperature measurements show an increase of 0.54° Celsius from 1881 to 1993). But nearly 70 percent of the warming of this entire time period — 0.37° Celsius —occurred in the first half of the record — before the period of the greatest build-up of greenhouse gases. So even though there was a nominal amount of warming that took place over the past century it likely had more to do with things like fluctuations in solar activity, El NiƱo weather patterns, and volcanic activity, than it did a buildup of carbon dioxide. And assuming CO2 had any effect at all the vast majority of the earth’s CO2 is generated naturally, which means the likely effect of all human activity is effectively zero. Therefore the phenomenon which has come to be known as “global warming” is in all likelihood nothing more than an elaborate hoax concocted by liberal politicians in an effort to regulate of all things the weather. Or to put it more simply global warming is a lie.

Hell, you don’t have to believe me. Log on to the internet and do a search for a British documentary titled, “The Great Global Warming Swindle”. Unlike Al Gore’s emotional documentary this film is based on sound scientific evidence and includes interviews with actual climate scientists. It does a great job rebuking the major arguments put forth in Gore’s documentary and clearly illustrates that any fluctuations in the earth’s atmospheric temperature are the result of a natural cycle of climate fluctuation, and have little or nothing to do with man’s growing carbon footprint.

Still don’t believe me? Look, I can’t make you smarter but I can enlighten you with a more scientific point of view. Here’s the deal: there is absolutely no scientific proof whatsoever that any current or future warming in the atmosphere is being caused by the rise of greenhouse gases from human activity. This conclusion is nothing more than a politically driven, half-baked hypothesis. In Gore’s film, he presents evidence found in research done on ice core samples from Antarctica, which he claims is proof for the theory of CO2 being the cause of rising temperatures. However, ice core records from the past 650,000 years show exactly the opposite - that temperature increases have preceded (not resulted from) increases in CO2, and by hundreds of years. The warmer periods of the earth's history came around 800 years before rises in carbon dioxide levels, meaning that a rise in carbon dioxide follows a rise in temperature, rather than vice versa. This evidence suggests that the warming of the oceans is an important source (not result) of the rise in atmospheric CO2. And as the dominant greenhouse gas, water vapor is therefore far more important than CO2. Yet the current computer climate models (which Gore’s dire predictions of future warming are based on) do not accurately understand the role of water vapor—and, in any case, water vapor is not within our control. Plus, computer models cannot account for the observed cooling of much of the past century. For example after the Second World War, when there was incidentally a huge surge in carbon dioxide emissions, global temperatures actually fell for four decades following 1940. This suggests that any current warming is simply a part of the natural cycle of climate fluctuation that’s been traced back almost a million years. Let’s take a quick look back in history to help illustrate this point. First there was the Medieval Warm Period around 1100 A.D., when the Vikings settled Greenland and grew crops. Then there was the Little Ice Age, from about 1400 to 1850 A.D., which brought severe winters and cold summers to Europe, with failed harvests, starvation, disease, and general misery. Global warming advocates have tried to deny the existence of these historic climate swings and claim that the current warming is "unusual" by using spurious analysis of tree rings and other proxy data, resulting in the famous “hockey–stick” temperature graph. Sorry greenies, but the hockey-stick graph has since been thoroughly discredited by scientific evidence.

I agree that Gore’s documentary was very convincing in its hypothesis that global warming is a man-made phenomenon which has the potential to kill us all and end humanity, but if you look at the individual tenets of his hypothesis they can all be discredited with science. Hollywood and the academy voters may have been duped but let’s not buy into the hype people. Science proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that the causes of any global warming are mostly if not entirely natural. Therefore there’s nothing anyone can do stop it. We cannot control the inconstant sun, the likely origin of most climate variability, which means all schemes for greenhouse gas reduction currently being pushed by the IPCC and the various world governments will amount to nothing more than an exercise in futility. Besides could someone please explain to me how a warmer climate will be a bad thing? Shit, most economists actually argue that the opposite is true - that warming will produce a net benefit, with increases in incomes and standards of living. Why do we assume that the present climate is the optimum? I can here you greenies whining as I write this. But what about the rising sea levels and the fact that the continents will eventually be under water if we don’t do something to stop it? Listen greenies - the much feared rise in sea levels clearly has very little to do with short–term temperature changes, as the rate of sea level increases has been steady since the last ice age, over 10,000 years ago. Bottom line the sea levels are going to continue to rise whether we like it or not. It really couldn’t matter less if you drive a huge, gas-guzzling SUV or a little, shit-box Prius. So dump the clown car and deal with it.

All kidding aside the major problem I have with global warming is much broader than the politically corrupt Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) or the vast army of gullible drones who lap up Al Gore’s Kool-Aid then ask for more. The main problem I have can be summed with a single, fundamental question. Why should we as a human race devote our limited resources to what is essentially a non–issue, while we ignore the real problems the world faces: famine, disease, human rights violations, financial turmoil, and terrorism – not to mention a crazy, midget dictator who’s cooking up nuclear bombs as I type. And are we even properly prepared to deal with natural disasters or pandemics that could wipe out all or most of the world’s population? If recent history is any indication we are not. Yet Al Gore, who is not a climatologist, a meteorologist, an astronomer, or a scientist of any kind, advocates squandering away our limited resources on a fashionable issue, rather than concentrating on earth’s real problems.

Or maybe science is wrong, Al Gore’s right, and we are on a destructive path to the end of the world and humanity as we know it. So what? Recent Gallup Polls show that 95% of the world’s population believes in “God”. And God created this world, right? So when it’s all used up and gone why can’t He just start over and create another one? And perhaps world version 2.0 could even include unicorns and attractive fat people? Where’s your faith, people? I’m just saying.

Monday, July 20, 2009

The Deification of Michael Jackson

Hopefully enough time has passed for me to post this commentary without coming off as callous or insensitive, not that I haven’t been called those things before. But death is a pretty touchy subject so I’ll be walking a fine line here. That being said… ah fuck it, pretty much nobody’s gonna read this thing anyway so what do I care? Here goes nothing.

Michael Jackson was a pop culture icon for over four decades. He broke down racial barriers, transformed the art of the music video, and paved the way for modern pop music in the United States and abroad. He’s one of just 11 artists to have been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame twice, and his achievements include multiple Guinness World Records—including the "Most Successful Entertainer of All Time"—13 Grammy Awards, 13 number one singles, and the sale of over 750 million records. He was also a notable philanthropist, donating millions of dollars to the 39 charities he supported, and raising more through his own Heal the World Foundation. In short nobody could ever make the argument that the man wasn’t talented, influential, and generous, because he was all of those things and then some. But the problem with death, especially when a person dies young, is that it becomes all too easy to only remember the good stuff about them. And for the better part of the last three weeks all we’ve heard about on the news is how great a person Michael Jackson was, and about how many lives he touched, and about how much he changed the world, blah blah blah.

While I won’t argue that Michael Jackson did have many good qualities I think it’s about time for a little reality check, Quinsey Blog style. Seriously, dude dies and overnight he goes from “Wacko Jacko” (yeah, remember that?) to Saint Michael. When he was alive it was plain for all to see that Michael Jackson was a deeply troubled, flawed, and downright bizarre individual. But in death so soon we forget. What’s that? You think I’m being callous and insensitive? Okay, then let’s take a little trip down memory lane. Hmmm…where to begin?

First there was his ever changing appearance starting in the early 1980’s. Although he swore to the day he died the only plastic surgeries he’d ever received were two minor rhinoplastic procedures and the surgical creation of a cleft in his chin, he went from looking like a normal black dude with a regular sized nose in the late 70’s to a freakishly androgynous white dude with a hole where his nose used to be in the early 90’s. When asked about the change in his facial structure he attributed it to a number of things including puberty, weight loss, a strict vegetarian diet, a new hair style, and even stage lighting (okay Michael, whatever you say). And when asked about the paling of his skin he attributed it to a rare disease called vitiligo, although vitiligo is a disorder that causes depigmentation of the skin in patches, not the entire body (nice try, MJ). In short I think we can all agree that Michael Jackson went completely overboard on cosmetic surgery and was in a deep state of denial about the whole thing. Disturbing? Yes. Strange? Sure. But did this obsession harm anyone but himself? No. So let’s move on.

Next there were the multiple allegations of child sexual abuse starting in 1993, when Jackson was accused of sexual molestation by a 13-year-old boy named Jordan Chandler and his father, Evan Chandler. Jackson denied the allegations but decided to settle out of court with the Chandlers for $22 million, under the advice of his legal advisers who didn’t think he could handle a lengthy trial. A vile act of sexual molestation or simply a case of opportunistic greed? Only Jackson and his accuser will ever know the truth. Jackson was again accused of child sexual abuse in 2003 by 13-year-old Gavin Arvizo, who appeared with Jackson in the creepy documentary, “Living with Michael Jackson”. Jackson again denied the allegations and said it was normal to have children he didn’t know sleepover at Neverland Ranch in his bed with him (normal? I can think of many words to describe this scenario but normal is certainly not one of them). During the investigation, Jackson was examined by mental health professional Dr. Stan Katz; the doctor also spent several hours with the accuser. Katz concluded that Jackson was a regressed 10-year-old, and did not fit the profile of a pedophile. The People v. Jackson began on January 31, 2005, in Santa Maria, California, and lasted five months. Jackson was acquitted on all counts. In summary the worst possible scenario is that Michael Jackson was actually a pedophile (although this was never proven in court), and the best possible scenario is that he was a regressed child who liked to hang out with other children and have them sleepover in his bed. Either way it’s some pretty fucked up shit.

There were also the drug problems which allegedly started the first time Jackson was accused of child sexual molestation. He started taking pain killers to deal with the stress of the allegations and by the fall of 1993, he was addicted. His health deteriorated to such an extent that he canceled the remainder of his Dangerous World Tour and went into rehab in London for a few months, dramatically disappearing from public view. He eventually emerged but the drug addiction was something he would battle throughout the remainder of his life. At the time of his death he was reportedly on as many as three different powerful narcotic pain killers including Demerol, Dilaudid, Vicodin, Zoloft, and Xanax. I’m no pharmaceutical expert but anyone ingesting a drug cocktail of this magnitude is likely using to escape something. In Michael Jackson’s case it was his troubled life.

Next came the financial problems, which are hard to grasp considering the dude made so much damn money (at the time of his death Jackson was making as much as $75 million a year from his publishing partnership with Sony alone, and there were many years when he earned far more than that). Reports of Jackson’s financial problems became frequent in 2006 after the closure of the main house on the Neverland Ranch as a cost-cutting measure (poor guy had to slum it in a $100,000 a month rental in Bel Air). When Jackson died it was reported that his debts totaled approximately $500 million. Which begs the question how does one go $500 million into the red while earning at least $75 million a year? Apparently the guy was even better at spending money than he was at making it. Wow.

And finally there was the just plain weird shit that was a constant in Michael’s controversial existence. He had a brief, two year marriage to the daughter of Elvis Presley, Lisa Marie, from 1994 – 1995. Although the tabloid media speculated that the marriage was nothing more than a ploy to prop up Jackson’s image in light of prior sexual abuse allegations. He then had a second marriage to dermatology nurse and money grubbing whore Debbie Rowe, which lasted for three years from 1996 – 1999. She bore two children during the marriage, both of which may or may not be Michael’s biological children (if you ask me they sure as hell don’t look like the children of a black man). Rowe has admitted on more than one occasion that she wants nothing to do with the Jackson children, yet she’s sold her parental rights over to the Jacksons three separate times for a cash total of over $20 million (bitch found a money train with stupid written on the front and has no intention of getting off). Michael later had a third child (this was the baby he infamously dangled out the window) born to an unidentified surrogate using donor sperm, as if bringing two children into his chaotic circus of a life wasn’t enough. The names of Michael’s three kids? Priceless – Prince Michael Jackson I, Paris Katherine Michael Jackson, and Prince Michael Jackson II aka Blanket. Did you expect anything less? Other head scratching events in the life of Michael Jackson included an attempt to buy the bones of Joseph Merrick, the “Elephant Man”, for $1 million (allegedly), sleeping in a hyperbaric oxygen chamber to slow the aging process (we all saw the pictures so it must be true), and living with a chimp named “Bubbles” who he trained to use the toilet and clean his own bedroom (makes perfect sense to me).

In summary I’m not trying to be disrespectful to the dead. All I’m saying is let’s not romanticize our memories of Michael Jackson just because he’s dead. Instead let’s remember him for what he was - a talented yet troubled human being whom the world will not soon forget. No better or no worse than anybody else. Only his problems were of a scope and scale that you and I could never relate to. I honestly feel sorry for the guy in a way, as much as you can feel sorry for a world famous pop star who earned over $1 billion in his tumultuous career. Wherever you are MJ, rest in peace (while the vultures you left behind pick apart every nook and cranny of your crumbling estate).