Thursday, January 29, 2009

The realities of a down economy

I recently read a story on about Amber Easton, a 35-year woman from Detroit who’s currently unemployed. She quit her job as a corporate compliance officer (where she was earning $80,000 / year) back in July 2007, to attend law school. After a year in law school she decided it wasn’t for her and she attempted to get back into corporate America. Unfortunately the economy had already begun to tank and she soon found out that getting a job in the same salary grade would be difficult if not impossible. She has already applied to 70 different companies but gotten very few leads. She’s also pursued positions with companies out of state but to no avail. Every day she searches for new job opportunities and every day results in more desperation. She recently lost her car and now faces eviction from her apartment. At a time when she should be climbing the corporate ladder and entering her peak earning years, she finds herself depressed and scrambling for work. "It's hard not to be depressed during a time like this," she wrote on "I never imagined in a million years that I would be in such a situation at my age and at this point in my career. I am humiliated. I am praying for everyone else out there who is facing the same problems." Her Detroit neighborhood a couple years ago was booming, she said, but now "it's like a ghost town around here." "It's bad everywhere, but it's so, so bad here," she said. All across the country, people like Easton are feeling the pinch, blah blah blah. Good jobs have evaporated. Former full-time employees are now working part-time contract positions just to get by, blah blah blah. Nearly 2.6 million jobs were lost during 2008, the highest yearly total since the end of World War II in 1945, blah blah blah. This week alone, major corporations have announced more than 80,000 job cuts, bringing this year's total to well over 200,000, blah blah blah.

I don’t mean to sound insensitive here and I’m not trying to single out Amber Easton. I’m sure she’s a very nice lady. But people like Amber Easton are exactly what’s wrong with America today. You don’t have to buy into the gloom and doom people. We all have a choice. So the balance of my 401K and 529 accounts is down more than 40% in the last 6 months, my house is now worth significantly less than I owe on it (I’m one of those ass hats who bought at the peak), and my 09 earnings potential is a fraction of what it's been in prior years. So what? Do you think this gives me the right to feel sorry for myself? Let me fill you in on a little secret. Nobody else feels sorry for you so it’s 100% pointless to spend any amount of time feeling sorry for yourself.

But nobody’s hiring, woe is me. And the people I’m competing with are more qualified than me, wah. The creditors keep calling, I’m almost out of money, and I’m so depressed. What oh what am I ever going to do? Um, try harder. So you’ve applied to seventy companies without finding a job - apply to one hundred and seventy more. So you’ve searched in four other states without finding a job - search in fourteen more. So you’ve gone to two job fairs without finding a job - go to twenty two more. I understand your situation may seem bleak but depression and self pity will not help pay your bills. Sack up and consider this: The US unemployment rate just climbed over 7% for the first time since May 1993, which just so happened to fall within the first few months of a new Democratic president’s first term after multiple terms of Republican leadership. Sound familiar? (the conspiracy theorists will have fun with this) I digress... The important thing is what this 7% unemployment figure really represents - the fact that 93% of the working population is actually still working. And I’m no mathematician but what a 93% employment rate tells me is that if you have even the most basic level of skills, intelligence, or motivation, the odds of you being employed versus unemployed are heavily stacked in your favor. Like I said before we all have a choice. You can choose to mope around, post your sob stories on, and be a victim of circumstance. Or you can choose to get off your ass, make shit happen, and take advantage of other people's malaise (this last point being especially true in a down economy).

It’s a sum zero world as I see it. For every winner there’s a loser. Everyone’s gain = someone else’s loss. For you to be rich someone else has to be poor. It’s just like poker night with your buddies, minus the excessive alcohol consumption and cigar smoking. A down economy’s no different. For every person who's gainfully employed there's a person who's unemployed. One person’s tragedy = someone else’s opportunity. For you to make money someone else has to lose money. It can be a harsh reality to swallow but the sooner you embrace it the better off you'll be. Life can indeed be cruel but only for those who choose losing.

I’ve personally been in corporate America for over 12 years now. I’ve worked for very large corporations and very small ones, and it’s always the same deal. When times are good and profits are up companies tend to get fat and happy. When times are tough and profits are down companies go on diets. And as is the case with any good diet, the first thing to go is always the fat - those employees who are undeniably lazy, who feel generally more entitled than they should, and who add little or nothing to the bottom line. The secret to staying employed is simple. Don’t be the fat.

But let’s be honest here. There is a certain percentage of the population who simply lack the basic skills, intelligence, and intrinsic motivation necessary to avoid being the fat. For these folks this recession (or dare I say depression) we now find ourselves in will undoubtedly result in a painful couple of years. But you individuals I speak of can take heart. For if history has taught us anything it's that the US economy is all about cycles. And in a couple years from now (okay – maybe more like five years from now - things are pretty fucked up) we’ll be in a good place again, the Wall Street meltdown of 2008 will be but a distant memory, Barack Obama will be officially anointed our savior, and the fat of the US workforce can reassume its position clogging up the arteries of corporate America. Until then there is a silver lining. If you don't find work, and let's face it you won't, you can survive like the many who came before you befallen by hard times. By suckling on the tit of legalized thievery we call the public welfare system. God bless America.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Wake up and smell the coffee Blagojevich

Dear Governor Blagojevich,

Have you any idea just how pathetic you truly are? As your impeachment trial got under way this morning on the floor of the US senate you decided it would be a good idea skip the proceedings and instead hit the media circuit, making appearances on "Good Morning America" and "The View," followed by a pre-taped interview on “The Today Show”, and a live appearance on "Larry King Live." What the hell? You’re the first governor in the history of Illinois to be impeached and everyone knows you’re going to the pokey (including your high-powered defense attorney, Ed Genson, who suddenly resigned from your case) so you mine as well go out with a bang, right? Shit, you might even get a book deal out of the thing, which I’m sure is exactly what you’re angling for, you self-serving piece of shit. You’re too predictable Rod.

On both of your ABC appearances you explained why talk-show host Oprah Winfrey was a contender to fill Barack Obama's former Senate seat. Then on “The Today Show” you tossed out names like Gandhi, Nelson Mandela and Martin Luther King Jr., saying they gave you "perspective" in the storm that has erupted around you.” Wait a minute. Back up the truck. Oprah Winfrey a US Senator, and Rod Blagojevich mentioned in the same breath as Gandhi, Nelson Mandela, and MLK Jr.? Now you’ve completely lost your mind.

In each of your media appearances you maintained your innocence, saying the impeachment proceedings are unfair because you are unable to call witnesses. You went on to say you are the victim of political enemies who want to raise taxes in Illinois. Dude, you tried to sell your Senate seat to the highest bidder, you got caught on tape doing it, and your prominent defense attorney just quit because he had no way to defend you. Stop saying you’re innocent and take what’s coming to you like a man.

A lot of people wonder why you don't just resign and be done with it. You said on “The View” that resigning would be "the worst thing I could do. I'm an innocent man who has not done anything wrong. And when you're wrongfully accused and you're not given the chance to properly defend yourself ... for me to resign would be to admit that I did something wrong, which I did not do." You also said that resigning would be a way for you to "disgrace" your children. Like going on morning talk shows and saying crazy, irrational shit isn’t a way to disgrace your children? Live in reality, Rod.

While you made your rounds on the New York talk show circuit the 59 members of the senate — 37 Democrats and 22 Republicans — gathered to begin considering the 13-point article of impeachment, with 40 votes needed for conviction. The senate has set aside 10 days for the trial, but given that you aren't likely to show up, it could be much quicker. In short you better pack your bags Rod and start figuring out how to make a shiv out of a toothbrush. Something tells me your fellow inmates won’t take too kindly to a whiney ex-Governor who refuses to own up to his mistakes.


The Truth

Friday, January 23, 2009

JibJab Videos and Christmas Letters

If one more person sends me a jibjab video starring them and their retarded family members I just might lose my shit. You know the ones I’m talking about. The video of elves having a raucous snowball fight with pictures of their family’s faces superimposed over the elves’ faces, or the video of Chippendale dancers doing a hilarious strip tease routine with headshots of their family superimposed over the Chippendales’ faces, or just about any other ridiculous scenario you can think of. It may have been slightly amusing the first time I watched one of these jibjab videos like ten years ago, but now it’s just tired and frankly a little creepy. Here's some food for thought. Have you ever noticed how jibjab videos always include headshots of Mom, the kids, and even the pets, but that Dad rarely makes an appearance? Do you think this is just a coincidence? Hell no it’s not. Dad’s too smart to take part in something so embarrassing and asinine, and Mom’s too afraid to include Dad without first getting his consent, which she knows full well she’ll never get. In the rare instances when Dad’s face does make an appearance in a jibjab video I can guarantee you Mom included Dad without him knowing, and they inevitably had words shortly after the video was e-mailed to all of their friends, family members, and co-workers. As stupid as customized jibjab videos are there is something much worse that people inexplicably feel compelled to mass distribute during the holidays. Know where I'm going with this? Yep, the dreaded Christmas letter. I cringe every time I open one up and begin to read it. Like a train wreck unfolding before my eyes.

It was another wonderful year for the (insert last name here) family. (Insert Dad’s name here) got a promotion at work and despite his busy travel schedule continues to find time for charity work, coaching the kid’s baseball and soccer teams, and pursuing his dream as a screen-writer. (Insert oldest child’s name here) is an honors student and continues to excel at baseball, piano, swimming, and rhythmic dance. He’s only 9 years old but he’s already being recruited by several Division 1 colleges for both athletic and academic scholarships. (Insert middle child’s name here) is also an honors student and is a truly gifted artist. He is by far our most creative child. (Insert youngest child’s name here) is not yet in school but is clearly on her way to becoming an honors student. She’s only 9 months old but already has a beautiful singing voice. In fact we’ve already been approached by several talent agents who would like to put her in movies. I continue to feel so blessed with how perfectly our lives have turned out. Being a full time mom keeps me very busy but it is truly the most rewarding job I can imagine. We wish you and yours the best of everything in the year to come. Warmest regards, the (insert last name here) family.

The problems with these letters are many but the most evident problem is that everyone you send it to knows full well it’s wrought with exaggerated claims and embellished bullshit. That being said I’ve taken the liberty of putting together a rough translation of the letter above:

It was another miserable year for the (insert last name here) family. (Insert Dad’s name here) got moved into a new role at his company with less responsibility and significantly less pay. His boss told him they would actually like to fire him but because he’s 1/8 African American they can’t (everyone knows it’s impossible to fire a minority). He goes away often and claims it's for business travel but I’m starting to suspect he’s lying because he never takes a suitcase and strange women are starting to call the house. I also doubt he’s doing any charity work because every time he says he’s going down to the soup kitchen to help feed the homeless he returns home reeking of whiskey and cheap perfume. He does actually coach our children’s baseball and soccer teams but only because the league commissioners have informed us that unless he coaches our kids will not be able to participate due to their severe emotional and behavioral problems. And he is also working on a screen play but it’s for a pornographic movie starring a sadistic hermaphrodite (surprisingly the parts I’ve read are actually quite good). (Insert oldest child’s name here) is repeating 2nd grade… again, and he continues to suck at every new activity he partakes in. Too bad swearing is not a sport. The only way this little mutant’s going to college is if he’s there to serve food in the cafeteria. (Insert middle child’s name here) has not yet had to repeat any grades, which is surprising to everyone considering we think he may be slightly retarded. He frequently draws dark, bloody pictures of our family being murdered and the other day I caught him pulling the legs off his pet turtle, flash. He’s now on his third clinical psychologist after the first two suddenly changed professions, or at least that’s what their messages said on our answering machine. We’re still hopeful he can turn out to be a good serial killer like that guy Dexter on TV. (Insert youngest child’s name here) is not progressing as quickly as the pediatricians would like but she’s honestly just lucky to be alive after the massive head trauma inflicted by her brother when she was just a few days old. She has good days and bad days but spends most of her time covering her ears, humming loudly, and rocking back and forth in the fetal position in a puddle of her own waist. We’ve been approached by the child abuse prevention people who want to put together a public address video about her to teach new parents about the dangers of shaken baby syndrome. And although we’re hesitant our lawyer says we have no choice, something about it being in the terms of our legal settlement with child protective services. I continue to dull my pain with alcohol and sleeping pills and pray every night before I go to bed that I’ll die in my sleep and be free of this living hell I now find myself in. I would honestly disappear and start a new life somewhere else but I have no money, no credit history, and since I got knocked up when I was just 13 no education and no job skills whatsoever. I am so full of hate and discontent that I can’t even stand to look at myself in the mirror. Life sucks, the (insert last name here) family.

In summary don’t jibjab and don’t write corny, self-promoting Christmas letters. Nobody wants to see your family’s faces superimposed on top of creepy, snowball throwing elves and nobody wants to read your sadly transparent lies. Shit, my mom's going to kill me when she reads this post. Oh well, just keepin it real Mom.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Father of the year

Father of the year candidates step aside. I believe we have a winner. His name is Robert Blue and he’s from Clark County, Nevada. Blue, 53, was arrested for false imprisonment, child endangerment, and child abuse, after his 15-year old daughter was found beaten and chained to her bed. But wait, it’s not what it seems. In the arrest report, Blue told police his daughter was chained to her bed to keep her out of the kitchen and from over-eating. Apparently he was upset because his daughter weighs around 165 pounds, and Blue wanted her to weigh between 140 and 145 pounds, which is her ideal fighting weight in mixed martial arts. I bet you feel silly for judging him now, don't you? Who else do you know who cares enough about their child to literally chain them to their bed so they can get down to their ideal fighting weight? If that’s not love I don’t know what is. Blue told police he didn't think he had committed a crime and that he was acting in his daughter's best interest. Of course, how can you argue with that logic? Police said Blue had been shackling his daughter to her bed with a padlock and chain since Jan. 12, when he said he found pea and corn containers in her room. Apparently she had found a way around the locks and chains Blue had placed on the pantry and refrigerator doors. What choice did he have, people? That little fatty was picking the locks on the fridge and pantry doors and sneaking back into her room to binge on peas and corn. Don’t you know how fattening canned vegetables can be? Blue also admitted to beating his daughter with a wooden stick as a training tool and to kicking her. Hell yeah, ya gotta be tough if you wanna fight in mixed martial arts. How else was he supposed toughen her up? Everyone knows that only pansies train with boxing gloves and punching bags. There has been no word yet on whether or not Blue's wife knew what was going on. Don’t judge her either, people. Mrs. Blue was probably too busy teaching the other children choke holds and leg locks in the garage to help out with the training indoors. The couple's other children were also placed in protective custody along with their 15-year old sister. What a damn shame. Now those poor little bastards are gonna grow up soft and weak just like regular kids. Their only hope for a future in MMA is if they end up with abusive foster parents. One can only hope.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Bad "Boy George"

George O’Dowd, the sexually confused and frequently misguided former singer, current DJ, and legendary front-(man?) of 80’s band Culture Club, has been sentenced to fifteen months in jail following a conviction for false imprisonment. Here’s how it all went down: O’Dowd meets 28-year-old Norwegian male prostitute Audun Carlsen through a gay social-networking site. (O’Dowd may very well have used the same site back in the 80’s to locate his band mates for Culture Club) They meet up at O’Dowd's London flat and have a pornographic photo shoot. (If I end up in hell after I die there’s no doubt in my mind the photos from this shoot will be permanently pasted on the walls of my cell) After Carlsen leaves, O’Dowd suspects him of stealing stuff off his laptop so he invites Carlsen over for a second visit. (He had so much fun getting rammed in the ass on the first visit he just couldn’t say no) When Carlsen arrives George handcuffs him to the wall and proceeds to beat him with a metal chain. (This is the part where Carlsen regrets dropping out of beauty school). Carlsen escapes from O’Dowd's flat wearing only boxers, shoes and the handcuffs. (O’Dowd’s neighbors were apparently so accustomed to seeing horrified, half-naked prostitutes run out of his flat that none of them bothered to notify authorities)

Throughout the seven-day trial O’Dowd maintained his innocence but the jury found him unanimously guilty. Supporters of O’Dowd insist that he is a kind-hearted gentleman who is "the antithesis of the haughty, bullying star." Judge David Radford disagreed: "[Carlsen] was deprived of his liberty and human dignity without warning or proper explanation to him of its purpose, length or purported justification." Passing sentence, the judge went on to say “[Carlsen] was left shocked, degraded and humiliated" by this ordeal. (As if being a Norwegian male prostitute isn’t degrading or humiliating enough)

Not surprisingly this isn’t O’Dowd’s first trouble with the law. He has a severe drug addiction and in July 1986, was arrested for heroin possession. In October 2005, O’Dowd was arrested in Manhattan on suspicion of possessing cocaine. In June 2006, a warrant was issued for his arrest for failing to appear in court. In August 2006, O’Dowd was assigned to five days of garbage duty on the streets of New York City by a Manhattan court for "wasting police time", after he admitted to falsely reporting a burglary in his Manhattan apartment. (Are you sensing a pattern here? This dude’s fucked up)

The current jail sentence couldn’t have come at a worse time for O’Dowd, who just last year was attempting to revive his singing career, releasing a single called "Yes we can," inspired by Barack Obama and featuring clips of the U.S. president-elect. I guess the lesson to be learned here is this. Can you chain a Norwegian male prostitute to your wall, beat him with a metal chain, and expect to avoid jail time? “No you can’t”. Yo freak show - enjoy your next fifteen months in the pokey (no pun intended). You just can't make this shit up.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Real Chance of Love

Let me preface this post by stating that I am in no way a fan of reality television. I strongly believe that the producers and directors of most reality shows are nothing more than vacuous trolls who lack the integrity and talent to take part in legitimate broadcasting. That being said I will now proceed to share my thoughts on the ridiculous reality series “Real Chance of Love”, which I have inexplicably become addicted to over the past 12 weeks after watching it at the gym while riding a stationary bike. I refuse to accept any responsibility for this addiction however as in this case I was merely a victim of circumstance. You see the stationary bikes I like to ride at my gym are positioned in a manner so that just two televisions are viewable from my perspective. One of the televisions is always tuned to ESPN, which airs the same segments I’ve already watched three times in a row the night before. And the other television is always tuned to VH1. Where in lies my dilemma. I could a) watch the same ESPN spool for the fourth time in less than twelve hours, b) watch whatever happens to be airing on VH1, or c) read a book. The next time I choose reading a book over watching television will be the first time so VH1 becomes the natural choice. So now you know the back story on how I stumbled across and subsequently became engrossed in this embarrassing excuse for a television show. Now on to the good stuff.

“Real Chance of Love” is a reality series on VH1 starring brothers Ahmad Givens (Real) and Kamal Givens (Chance), both former contestants on the reality series “I Love New York”, which itself was a spinoff of the reality series “Flavor of Love”. These shows apparently spawn themselves like some disgusting inbreeding family in the backwoods of Alabama. The premise of the show is simple. Real and Chance are on a quest to find true love, hence the title Real Chance of Love. You see what they did there? Those folks at VH1 sure are clever. Seventeen female contestants participated in the show and took part in various challenges in a similar format to other VH1 and MTV dating contest programs. Each week, women were eliminated until the final episode when the “winners” were selected.

That final episode just so happened to air last night and I was fortunate enough to catch the replay today during my work-out. It was finally down to the last four girls with Chance having two picks and Real having two. The suspense and drama reached a fever pitch and it was clearly going to be a very hard decision for the two brothers. Real was forced to choose between two girls: Corn Fed aka 25-year-old Abbi La Nay Noah from Fargo, ND, and Bay Bay Bay aka 24-year-old Konanga Tyson from Oakland, CA. Corn Fed is a sensitive girl from the country who Real has felt close to all along while Bay Bay Bay is a hard-nosed girl from the city who Real has had a hard time “connecting” with. Chance was also forced to choose between two girls: Risky aka 22-year-old Ebony Jones who has more tattoos than Dennis Rodman, and Cali aka 23-year-old Christine Ly who as her nickname suggests is from California. Risky is a serious girl who Chance has always enjoyed spending time with while Cali is a sensual girl who can’t ever seem to keep her hands off of Chance.

The final two nights before judgment day featured Real and Chance taking the girls on extravagant over-night dates. Cali and Bay Bay Bay were first up to bat and didn’t disappoint. Cali expressed her deep love for Chance before retiring to his bedroom and getting the wood laid to her. Bay Bay Bay followed by expressing her sincere love for Real before retiring to his bedroom for a piping of her own. Next up to bat were Risky and Corn Fed who went on equally exquisite and romantic dates with the brothers the following day followed by late night poundings back at the hotel. Bay Bay Bay probably put it best when she brashly told Corn Fed before her date to “enjoy my sloppy seconds.” And enjoy them is exactly what Corn Fed did as the following morning she expressed to the cameras “I never thought I could love someone as much as I love Real.” In my opinion Real and Chance could have saved themselves time and the VH1 network money, by simply combining the dates into one night culminated by a sweaty three-way. Perhaps they can incorporate this idea into the next spinoff (I want royalties people).

On judgment day the girls were nervous not knowing who the brothers were going to pick. They said things like: “I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t pick me, it will simply break my heart” and “I never knew a man like him existed, I’m not sure how I’ll go on without him in my life”. The brothers were also very emotional about the decision as they shed tears just talking about it over a cocktail in the bar. Note: There was no shortage of tears or alcohol throughout the 12 episode running of the show. When they finally arrived at judgment stadium Real once again thanked all of the girls for going on this journey with them (this journey of “love”) and then announced that his brother would go first. Chance stepped up and proclaimed this was “the toughest decision of my whole damned life”, then shed a few more tears for effect. Risky and Cali looked as though their hearts would beat out of their chests with anticipation. Chance first addressed Cali and said how much she meant to him and how great it was that she was always there for him. He then addressed Risky and said something similar blah blah blah. He paused and looked at both girls longingly. The suspense mounted. After a few more tears and a another pause he spoke. “Risky, I don’t want to hurt you but I have to let you go.” She walked over and embraced him. They shared more tears, she said she understood, then exited stage left for here parting interview. The camera went back to Cali who looked like a fat kid in the candy store. She was already imagining their magical life together. Chance wiped away the tears then somberly spoke again. “Cali, I definitely have love for you, but I’m not in love with you. I’m sorry but I have to let you go, too.” The camera pans back to Cali for the money shot. She suddenly looks like she’s been kicked in the stomach. She tries to speak but cannot as the realization hits her that she’s just become a victim of the most ingenious booty call scheme in television history. And there you have it. The entire show “Real Chance of Love” was nothing more than an elaborate hoax created for no other purpose than to get a pair of outrageous, hilarious brothers laid by a pathetic group of attention-hungry, low self-esteem whores, and to capture it all on camera. Instant fucking classic.

Real went on to say that unlike his brother he did find love on the show and he chose Corn Fed, who was instantly declared the winner. This gesture was clearly nothing more than a smoke screen to give some degree of legitimacy to the show and to prevent the 17 female contestants from slapping the VH1 network with a class-action lawsuit for wrong-doing. But what if Real was being sincere and actually did fall in love with Corn Fed? Ummm, no. You see Real made his selection with the caveat that he wasn’t sure Corn Fed could handle his life style and that only time would tell if they could be together. Translation: Bitch is free to hang around and blow him as long as she wants to so long as she doesn’t complain about him being drunk all day and banging random skanks all night. Congratulations Corn Fed on your big win.

Who said nothing good ever happens on reality television?

Monday, January 12, 2009

A douche wad enters the bar

I am the fucking man. I own this joint. Chicks dig me, dude’s wanna be me. What up ladies? Yeah – that’s right, take a nice, long look at the goods. Don’t act like you’re not impressed. You think it’s easy gettin this ripped? Well, it’s not. I spend 3 hours every day in the gym sculpting this temple you’re starin at. Oh wait, a mirror - hold on a sec while I check myself out. Damn my guns look big in this shirt, hell yeah! What? Is it my little brother’s shirt? What the fuck are you talking about? I buy all my clothes two sizes too small on purpose because tight clothes look sweet. Besides you think my little brother can afford Armani? Don’t think so bitch. Huh? Why am I orange? No I don’t use fucking spray on tan. That’s the real thing, bitch. You think I spend 60 minutes in the tanning bed every morning for an orange fucking tan? Hold on, let me go back to the mirror for a sec. Yup – that’s what I thought – it’s a great looking tan, completely natural. Bitch doesn’t know what she’s talkin about. Oh, and that’s a great angle for my pecs. Damn those things are gettin big, fuck yeah! I got bigger tits than half the broads in this place. Hey princess, wanna feel my quads? Just squatted 700 pounds this morning, wasn’t even my max. What? Why am I wearing a Bluetooth headset in a noisy, crowded club? Well that’s a stupid question. Why wouldn’t I be wearing it? This fucking thing never comes off my ear, sweetheart. Gotta be there for my peeps. What? My cologne’s giving you a headache? What are you talking about? That’s Creed bitch, that stuff costs more than you make in a year. Not my problem your nose can’t appreciate high-end cologne. What’s wrong with the chicks in this place anyway? Usually I’d be out in the mustang gettin a hummer by now. Hey baby, wanna take a ride in my convertible GT? Got that rig up to 130 last week on my way out to Vegas. What? Why are my teeth glowing? Yeah, of course I get them whitened. That shit ain’t cheap, you know. You’re just jealous because I can afford it. I’m not one to brag but I just cracked six figures last year. Bet you’re really jealous now. What? You make over 200K a year selling pharmaceuticals? Yeah right, that’s not even a real fucking job, whatever bitch. I’m outta here, this place is wack.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Ode to 2008

As we enter a new year with new possibilities and opportunities I couldn't help but reflect upon the previous year that was. It wasn't a great year, or even a good one. But it certainly had it's moments. What follows is my "Ode to 2008". Enjoy and Happy New Year!

Ode to 2008

2008 is over and the end couldn’t come soon enough,
The subprime bubble burst, what followed would be rough.

Wall Street melted down and credit tightened up,
The economic climate was a total cluster fuck.

Goldman Sachs got bought, Lehman Brothers went BK,
The government seized control of Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae.

The global financial crisis soon reached a fever pitch,
Bernie Madoff used a Ponzi scheme to scam the filthy rich.

Congress then approved the Emergency Stabilization Act,
$700 billion without limits? Even Madoff thinks that’s wack.

The price of oil surged then tanked, now Exxon’s out of luck,
A dude gave birth to a baby, what the fuck?

The auto makers had a meltdown of their own,
Now it takes an act of God to get an auto loan.

In the city of Mumbai, India, terrorists did attack,
Then dumb shit Bush decided to send more troops into Iraq.

Afghanistan witnessed a resurgence of the Taliban,
An earthquake struck in China in the province of Sichuan.

Israel attacked Gaza in a fight as old as time,
The Dodgers acquired Man Ram and didn’t spend a dime.

The FBI and CIA continued to hunt for Bin Laden,
The Cubs went to the playoffs then promptly choked… again.

A cyclone killed 22,000 in the country of Myanmar,
Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself in a crowded New York bar.

A wacko polygamy sect had a run-in with the law,
The bust took place in Texas, but they surely from Utah.

Off the coast of Somalia pirates hijacked cargo ships,
Eliot Spitzer banged a prostitute but never kissed her on the lips (allegedly).

Yes 2008 was bad up to the final bell,
But it had some outstanding moments and some funny ones as well.

China hosted the Olympics and put on quite a show,
Michael Phelps won 8 gold medals, Lindsey Lohan did more blow.

The Celtics won a title, John Edwards had a fling,
Britney made a comeback, who knew that bitch could sing?

Blagojevich got busted and Senator Stevens too,
The Phillies won the series, the Patriots saw blue.

Tiger won the Open despite one torn up knee,
OJ’s going back to jail, how stupid could this dude be?

Brett Favre unretired and Lance Armstrong came back too,
Watch out you smelly Frenchies, he’s coming after you.

Jessica Alba had a baby, Brangelina delivered twins,
Roger Clemens showed us that a cheater never wins.

Castro finally retired, Kosovo dawned a new day,
We were introduced to Sarah Palin, I wish she’d go away.

Hillary Clinton ran for president and campaigned everywhere
But Obama was the winner, we really dodged a bullet there.

What 2009 has in store is anyone’s guess,
But I’m glad 08 is over, what a complete fucking mess.