Monday, January 12, 2009

A douche wad enters the bar

I am the fucking man. I own this joint. Chicks dig me, dude’s wanna be me. What up ladies? Yeah – that’s right, take a nice, long look at the goods. Don’t act like you’re not impressed. You think it’s easy gettin this ripped? Well, it’s not. I spend 3 hours every day in the gym sculpting this temple you’re starin at. Oh wait, a mirror - hold on a sec while I check myself out. Damn my guns look big in this shirt, hell yeah! What? Is it my little brother’s shirt? What the fuck are you talking about? I buy all my clothes two sizes too small on purpose because tight clothes look sweet. Besides you think my little brother can afford Armani? Don’t think so bitch. Huh? Why am I orange? No I don’t use fucking spray on tan. That’s the real thing, bitch. You think I spend 60 minutes in the tanning bed every morning for an orange fucking tan? Hold on, let me go back to the mirror for a sec. Yup – that’s what I thought – it’s a great looking tan, completely natural. Bitch doesn’t know what she’s talkin about. Oh, and that’s a great angle for my pecs. Damn those things are gettin big, fuck yeah! I got bigger tits than half the broads in this place. Hey princess, wanna feel my quads? Just squatted 700 pounds this morning, wasn’t even my max. What? Why am I wearing a Bluetooth headset in a noisy, crowded club? Well that’s a stupid question. Why wouldn’t I be wearing it? This fucking thing never comes off my ear, sweetheart. Gotta be there for my peeps. What? My cologne’s giving you a headache? What are you talking about? That’s Creed bitch, that stuff costs more than you make in a year. Not my problem your nose can’t appreciate high-end cologne. What’s wrong with the chicks in this place anyway? Usually I’d be out in the mustang gettin a hummer by now. Hey baby, wanna take a ride in my convertible GT? Got that rig up to 130 last week on my way out to Vegas. What? Why are my teeth glowing? Yeah, of course I get them whitened. That shit ain’t cheap, you know. You’re just jealous because I can afford it. I’m not one to brag but I just cracked six figures last year. Bet you’re really jealous now. What? You make over 200K a year selling pharmaceuticals? Yeah right, that’s not even a real fucking job, whatever bitch. I’m outta here, this place is wack.

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