Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Real Chance of Love

Let me preface this post by stating that I am in no way a fan of reality television. I strongly believe that the producers and directors of most reality shows are nothing more than vacuous trolls who lack the integrity and talent to take part in legitimate broadcasting. That being said I will now proceed to share my thoughts on the ridiculous reality series “Real Chance of Love”, which I have inexplicably become addicted to over the past 12 weeks after watching it at the gym while riding a stationary bike. I refuse to accept any responsibility for this addiction however as in this case I was merely a victim of circumstance. You see the stationary bikes I like to ride at my gym are positioned in a manner so that just two televisions are viewable from my perspective. One of the televisions is always tuned to ESPN, which airs the same segments I’ve already watched three times in a row the night before. And the other television is always tuned to VH1. Where in lies my dilemma. I could a) watch the same ESPN spool for the fourth time in less than twelve hours, b) watch whatever happens to be airing on VH1, or c) read a book. The next time I choose reading a book over watching television will be the first time so VH1 becomes the natural choice. So now you know the back story on how I stumbled across and subsequently became engrossed in this embarrassing excuse for a television show. Now on to the good stuff.

“Real Chance of Love” is a reality series on VH1 starring brothers Ahmad Givens (Real) and Kamal Givens (Chance), both former contestants on the reality series “I Love New York”, which itself was a spinoff of the reality series “Flavor of Love”. These shows apparently spawn themselves like some disgusting inbreeding family in the backwoods of Alabama. The premise of the show is simple. Real and Chance are on a quest to find true love, hence the title Real Chance of Love. You see what they did there? Those folks at VH1 sure are clever. Seventeen female contestants participated in the show and took part in various challenges in a similar format to other VH1 and MTV dating contest programs. Each week, women were eliminated until the final episode when the “winners” were selected.

That final episode just so happened to air last night and I was fortunate enough to catch the replay today during my work-out. It was finally down to the last four girls with Chance having two picks and Real having two. The suspense and drama reached a fever pitch and it was clearly going to be a very hard decision for the two brothers. Real was forced to choose between two girls: Corn Fed aka 25-year-old Abbi La Nay Noah from Fargo, ND, and Bay Bay Bay aka 24-year-old Konanga Tyson from Oakland, CA. Corn Fed is a sensitive girl from the country who Real has felt close to all along while Bay Bay Bay is a hard-nosed girl from the city who Real has had a hard time “connecting” with. Chance was also forced to choose between two girls: Risky aka 22-year-old Ebony Jones who has more tattoos than Dennis Rodman, and Cali aka 23-year-old Christine Ly who as her nickname suggests is from California. Risky is a serious girl who Chance has always enjoyed spending time with while Cali is a sensual girl who can’t ever seem to keep her hands off of Chance.

The final two nights before judgment day featured Real and Chance taking the girls on extravagant over-night dates. Cali and Bay Bay Bay were first up to bat and didn’t disappoint. Cali expressed her deep love for Chance before retiring to his bedroom and getting the wood laid to her. Bay Bay Bay followed by expressing her sincere love for Real before retiring to his bedroom for a piping of her own. Next up to bat were Risky and Corn Fed who went on equally exquisite and romantic dates with the brothers the following day followed by late night poundings back at the hotel. Bay Bay Bay probably put it best when she brashly told Corn Fed before her date to “enjoy my sloppy seconds.” And enjoy them is exactly what Corn Fed did as the following morning she expressed to the cameras “I never thought I could love someone as much as I love Real.” In my opinion Real and Chance could have saved themselves time and the VH1 network money, by simply combining the dates into one night culminated by a sweaty three-way. Perhaps they can incorporate this idea into the next spinoff (I want royalties people).

On judgment day the girls were nervous not knowing who the brothers were going to pick. They said things like: “I don’t know what I’ll do if he doesn’t pick me, it will simply break my heart” and “I never knew a man like him existed, I’m not sure how I’ll go on without him in my life”. The brothers were also very emotional about the decision as they shed tears just talking about it over a cocktail in the bar. Note: There was no shortage of tears or alcohol throughout the 12 episode running of the show. When they finally arrived at judgment stadium Real once again thanked all of the girls for going on this journey with them (this journey of “love”) and then announced that his brother would go first. Chance stepped up and proclaimed this was “the toughest decision of my whole damned life”, then shed a few more tears for effect. Risky and Cali looked as though their hearts would beat out of their chests with anticipation. Chance first addressed Cali and said how much she meant to him and how great it was that she was always there for him. He then addressed Risky and said something similar blah blah blah. He paused and looked at both girls longingly. The suspense mounted. After a few more tears and a another pause he spoke. “Risky, I don’t want to hurt you but I have to let you go.” She walked over and embraced him. They shared more tears, she said she understood, then exited stage left for here parting interview. The camera went back to Cali who looked like a fat kid in the candy store. She was already imagining their magical life together. Chance wiped away the tears then somberly spoke again. “Cali, I definitely have love for you, but I’m not in love with you. I’m sorry but I have to let you go, too.” The camera pans back to Cali for the money shot. She suddenly looks like she’s been kicked in the stomach. She tries to speak but cannot as the realization hits her that she’s just become a victim of the most ingenious booty call scheme in television history. And there you have it. The entire show “Real Chance of Love” was nothing more than an elaborate hoax created for no other purpose than to get a pair of outrageous, hilarious brothers laid by a pathetic group of attention-hungry, low self-esteem whores, and to capture it all on camera. Instant fucking classic.

Real went on to say that unlike his brother he did find love on the show and he chose Corn Fed, who was instantly declared the winner. This gesture was clearly nothing more than a smoke screen to give some degree of legitimacy to the show and to prevent the 17 female contestants from slapping the VH1 network with a class-action lawsuit for wrong-doing. But what if Real was being sincere and actually did fall in love with Corn Fed? Ummm, no. You see Real made his selection with the caveat that he wasn’t sure Corn Fed could handle his life style and that only time would tell if they could be together. Translation: Bitch is free to hang around and blow him as long as she wants to so long as she doesn’t complain about him being drunk all day and banging random skanks all night. Congratulations Corn Fed on your big win.

Who said nothing good ever happens on reality television?

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