Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Dancing with the Star's resident tool: Maksim Chmerkovskiy

Dear Maksim,

Seriously dude, have you any idea how big of a tool bag you really are? You’re a professional ball room dancer. It’s hard to even say that without laughing. On the list of obscure, uncool professions I’d say professional ballroom dancer falls somewhere in between competitive roller skater and the guy who picks up horse shit during parades. Even professional video game testers and the dudes who joust at Medieval Times think what you do for a living is pretty lame. Yet there you are every Monday night with that huge shit eating grin on your face twirling around your celebrity partner and yukking it up for the cameras. The fact that you somehow parlayed professional ballroom dancing into a recurring role on a hit reality TV series in no way validates your ridiculous career choice, so don’t kid yourself. It simply illustrates that in this new era of reality television where quality programming has been replaced by mindless fodder and trained actors have given way to no-talent hacks, even a miserable schmuck like you has a shot at finding success. Yet there you stand being interviewed by People Magazine with that smug look on your face talking about your recent engagement to fellow “Dancing with the Stars” cast mate Karina Smirnoff. When asked about the prospect of starting a family together you had this to say: “Our kids will be rock stars. They’re going to be like royalty.” Really douche bag? Rock stars and royalty? Are you fucking kidding me? Do you have any idea how ridiculous that statement sounds coming from you? It was bad enough when you swaggered around the stage after your over-done tangos and excessive fox trots acting like God’s gift to dancing. But now you’ve simply gone too far. Implying that your offspring will somehow become rock stars and royalty because you and your chiseled fiancée are good at ballroom dancing? Dude - even Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf, two of the greatest tennis players of all time, stay humble whenever they’re asked about the prospect of their children’s future athletic careers. And they were professional tennis players, which is an actual sport. You and Karina are fucking ballroom dancers. Seriously dude, unless “Dancing with the Stars” runs for another 20 years (God help us all) your pathetic offspring will be lucky to find any job, let alone become rock stars and royalty. Do yourself a favor, Maksim. Give it a rest with the fake Russian accent, take a day off from the tanning salon every now and then, try buttoning more than just the bottom two buttons of your fancy shirts (Guido), and when asked about anything other than ballroom dancing keep your fucking mouth shut. For one day soon “Dancing with the Stars” will be cancelled, your five minutes of fame will be up, and you and Karina will have to go back to doing whatever it is that professional ballroom dancers do. Until then you’d be well served to tone it down and stop looking and sounding like a complete fucking jackass. By the way, how is it having Mario Lopez’s sloppy seconds?

I know I know the fact that I even know what night (Mondays) “Dancing with the Stars” comes on, the fact that I know the names of two ballroom dances (the tango and the fox trot), and the fact that I know Mario Lopez and Karina Smirnoff used to be a couple is completely pathetic. What can I say? The things we’ll watch for our wives.

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