Saturday, February 7, 2009

A not so anonymous letter to Nadya Suleman (the Octomom)


Dear Nadya,

You might very well be the single most delusional person on the face of the earth. You’re 33-years old, you live with your parents, you have no husband, no job, and no money, yet you don’t believe it was selfish or irresponsible to bring 8 illegitimate children into the world to go along with the 6 you already have. Can I please get some of whatever you’re smokin? What you did is wrong on so many levels I don't even know where to begin, but I’ll try anyway.

Let’s start with the in vitro fertilization. I did some research and the estimated cost of an IVF birth is @ $100,000. Yet you have no verifiable income outside of the $165,000 you received in disability payments from 2002 – 2008, your family filed for bankruptcy 2 years ago and abandoned their home, and it has been reported that they are now receiving government welfare. Which begs the question, where the hell did you scratch up a hundred large to kick off this fertility freak show anyway? Beyond the financial dissonance of your pregnancy lies a question of logic. Why the hell did you have 6 embryos implanted in your uterus (resulting in 8 babies – in rare instances embryos divide in the womb) when every fertility expert in the world strongly recommends implanting no more than 2 embryos in a woman under 35 years of age? Direct quote from you: "…I wanted them all transferred. Those are my children. And that's what was available and I used them.” Oh, it’s because you had 6 embryos left in the freezer. So the question really wasn’t why implant all 6, but why not implant all 6? Okay, now I understand, my bad. Not surprisingly the fertility hack who helped with this pregnancy and your previous 5 pregnancies (4 singles and 1 set of twins) is currently under investigation by the California Medical Board.

Next let’s discuss your decision to go through with the extreme multiples pregnancy. When it was discovered you were carrying what doctors thought to be 7 babies at the time, they strongly recommended that you have the number of embryos reduced, citing the tremendous health risks that go along with giving birth to extreme multiples including bleeding in the brain, intestinal problems, developmental delays and lifelong learning disabilities, not to mention the risks to the mother. Yet armed with this information you declined. Direct quote from you: "Sometimes we have that dream and that passion and we take risks. And I did and it turned out perfectly." Oh, so it was your dream and your passion to raise 14 illegitimate children, even if some would likely be forced to enter the world with serious medical problems. Now I get it. There will no doubt be some people who actually support your decision citing the ethical issues of embryo reduction. But the fact is the purpose of embryo reduction in extreme multiples pregnancies is healthy birth, not abortion of the pregnancy, so I don’t want to hear it.

So you decided to go through with the pregnancy. Ethics, crazy dreams, and misguided passion aside let’s now discuss the financial ramifications of your decision. You were hospitalized 7 weeks ago and put on bed rest. During the seven weeks, a team of 46 physicians, nurses and other staff members cared for you and prepared for the births. Immediately following the births two full-time nurses were assigned to each child, and they take care of the babies around the clock giving them fluids, proteins, and vitamins intravenously. Doctors say the babies will remain in the hospital for at least 7 more weeks. In total we’re talking about 4 months in the hospital, a medical staff large enough to fill out an NFL roster, and all the food, vitamins, and supplies necessary to sustain 8 lives. That's gotta cost what, eight or nine hundred grand, maybe even a mill? You must have some pretty damn good insurance to cover that bill, huh? And a large enough chunk of dough stashed away to cover the co-pay? What’s that, you don’t have medical insurance or a single dime to your name? So the taxpayers will be fitting the entire bill? Oh, how responsible and not at all selfish of you.

Okay so the babies are here and they’re relatively healthy considering they were born 9 weeks premature, and that’s a good thing. But going forward how exactly do you plan on adequately caring for all 14 of your illegitimate children considering you’re single, broke and unemployed? Direct quote from you: "I'm providing myself to my children. I'm loving them unconditionally, accepting them unconditionally, everything I do. I'll stop my life for them and be present with them and hold them and be with them. And how many parents do that? I'm sure there are many that do, but many don't. And that's unfortunate. And that is selfish." Oh, so you’re not selfish, it’s the mom’s who go to work every day to earn a living who are the selfish ones. Nice try Nadya but I’m on to you. Intentionally trying to avoid answering my question by vilifying someone else? Unfortunately that trick only works when the person or people you attempt to vilify are actually deserving of your criticism. Seriously – working mothers are the ones we should be looking down on here and not you? Must be nice living in that fantasy world of rainbows and unicorns where you don’t have to provide for yourself and there’re absolutely no consequences for your actions, regardless of how blatantly irresponsible they are. Is there a chocolate waterfall that churns the chocolate too? But wait, you do plan on providing for yourself. Direct quote from you: "I know I'll be able to afford them when I'm done with my schooling. If I were just sitting down, watching TV and not being as determined as I am to succeed and provide a better future for my children, I believe that would be considered to a certainly degree selfish.” (nice grammar Nadya) Oh so that’s what would be considered selfish. Thanks for clarifying. And just what type of degree do you plan on earning that’s going to provide such a great future for your illegitimate clan, Nadya? A degree in counseling? Um, I don’t mean to burst your bubble but counselors make like twenty grand a year, and that’s not even going to cover your diaper bill, genius.

Which brings us to the real reason you decided to go through with this pregnancy. Your spokeswoman (you’re on welfare and you have a spokeswoman – nice), Joann Killeen, originally told CNN that you are being deluged with media offers but denied any suggestions that you may have had a monetary incentive for having so many children. She then backtracked and told CNN's Larry King that “(You) have no plans on being a welfare mom and really want to look at every opportunity that (you) can to make sure (you) can provide financially for the 14 children (you’re) responsible for now." It was later confirmed that you hired a publicist and are seeking up to $2 million for your story. Aye, there’s the rub, and the ruse is up. Just admit it Nadya - this entire situation is and always has been about one thing and one thing only, the money. The disability payments ran out, you got tossed from your crib, and welfare just wasn’t cutting it. You could have gotten a regular job like everybody else, but that wasn't good enough for you because you’re special (see delusional quotes above). So you hatched a plan to have 6 babies. You figured you could cash in like the rest of the fertility freak shows who came before you. Am I getting warm? Granted it was only going to be 6 babies and septuplets is a slightly tired act seeing as how it's been done several times before, but you already had 6 babies at home so that would be your ace in the hole, right Nadya? But then to your delight things took an unexpected turn for the better when one of your embryos divided and all of a sudden you had 7 babies in your womb instead of 6 – cha ching. You could literally feel the dollar signs dancing around in your head. Then during the birth, just when you thought things couldn’t possibly get any better, baby H popped out after baby G surprising everyone including the doctors, and you had officially hit pay dirt. Octuplets - for only the second time in the history of the United States. Let the bidding wars begin.

You say your birth was a “miraculous experience” and that “all (you’ve) ever wanted is to be a mom.” But in my opinion Nadya your birth was a sham and you are a sorry excuse for a mother. Only in America could a manipulative wretch like you concoct a scheme using a litter of premature babies to pull you and your dysfunctional family out of the poor house, and only in America could that scheme actually work. Let the gifts poor in, let the pictures be taken, let the stupid reality TV shows be made, and let anyone with a shred of intelligence or a grain of integrity be completely disgusted by the whole sordid thing.

No comments: