Tuesday, March 24, 2009

A-Rod's an idiot

Dear Alex,

Dude, we need to talk. Recent events have raised serious questions about the state of our relationship. First there were the steroids. I know I know – they weren’t even your idea in the first place and you were under a tremendous amount of pressure making $25 million a year and all, playing a game all young boys dream of playing professionally when they grow up. Plus everyone else was doing it so what were you supposed to do, right? I totally get it. Strike one but no harm no foul. Then there were those creepy photographs in Details Magazine. I can see how a person who loves themself as much as you love yourself might find taking those photos appealing. You might have even thought they were tastefully done (if tastefully means making me want to throw up in my mouth every time I look at them). But seriously dude, after the whole steroids scandal don’t you think it might have been a good idea to lay low for just a little while? Strike two. Now the latest headline has you frequenting the services of a New York City Madam, the same Madam utilized by one Eliot Spitzer. Prostitutes, really dude? You’re the starting 3rd baseman for the New York Yankees, you’ve hit 553 home runs faster than anyone in major league history, you’re a 3-time American League MVP, you’re arguably one of the top 3 greatest baseball players of all time, and you’ve earned $200 million in salary alone over just 13 seasons. Yet somehow you found it necessary to pay women to have sex with you? Okay maybe you get your jollies paying for sex or maybe you find it a less conspicuous way to get laid given your high public profile. Shit, I don’t have to live your life - I don’t know what it’s like being you. Who am I to judge? But creating illicit e-mail threads between you and the Madam as verifiable proof of your indiscretions? Um, you do know that Madams are in the business of exploiting people for money, right? Strike three dipshit. Any one of these three events on their own would have raised serious doubts about us. But when you add them all up together I can’t help but think that you’ve completely checked out on our relationship. Please call me right away so we can work things out before any more damage is done.

Yours truly,

Common Sense

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