Saturday, April 18, 2009

No love for the Octomom

Dear Octofreak,

I’m writing to inform you that my previous letter posted on February 7, was far too kind. At that point the sordid details of your disturbing life were just starting to trickle out and I was not yet fully aware of just how disdainful a person you truly are. In this, my second attempt to enlighten you, I will be far more direct. Let me start out by saying that you make me and every other responsible parent on earth completely sick. You brought 8 babies into the world that you have no possible way of caring for when you already had 6 children that you weren’t taking care of on your own. How fucking selfish are you? Even your own parents have come out publicly and criticized your actions. At least the Duggar freakshow (just heard number 19’s on the way) has the financial means to support their multiplying litter (allegedly). I digress… I saw on the news that you’re shopping around for a reality television show. Really? Let me ask you this. Who in their right mind would tune in to watch a reality show about pathetic fucking you? Okay I admit it, when there’s nothing else on TV I’ll occasionally tune into the reality drivel on VH1 (Real Chance of Love, Rock of Love, I Love Money, etc.). But as indulgent and gratuitous as those shows are, I’d rather chop off my right arm than watch even a single second of your sorry ass on TV. You’re a complete waste of air and space, Octohog. I also heard that you’re not happy with the Octomom moniker you’ve been tagged with by the media, yet you’ve gone ahead and tried to copyright it anyway in the hopes that you can use it to help sell your “brand”. Bitch, your brand is straight fucking crazy and I don’t know anyone anywhere who’d want to buy that. Even Paris Hilton thinks your new found “fame” makes a mockery of the word. At least if Paris gets pregnant (quite surprising it hasn’t happened yet actually) it will be the result of her having sex with a man. But you don’t need a man because you’re so strong and independent, right? Speaking of that, how’s the job hunt going, Octocunt? (I normally wouldn’t use that word but for you it’s completely appropriate) What? You’re not looking for a job? Your plan all along was to give birth to an outrageous number of babies and then exploit them into becoming your meal ticket? How’s that workin out for ya, Octopig? (borrowed that one from Jim Rome) I think what you failed to factor into your devious plan was that in order to use the media to get paid you have to be a) a sympathetic figure or b) a likeable person, and you Ocotohag, are neither. In fact it’s hard to even think of another person that the public hates as much as we hate you. Osama Bin Laden maybe? Which gives me a great idea. Why don’t you do us all a favor and go bury yourself deep under a mountain someplace far far away where not even high tech satellites can find you. Live out the rest of your life in the dark like the filthy rat that you are. Hell, the tax payers are going to pay for the raising of your children whether you’re around or not, and at least if you disappear they’ll have half a chance at turning out semi-normal. In closing if I never half to see your creepy, jokeresque mug again it will be too soon. Go away Octobitch, you suck.


The cold, hard truth

Monday, April 13, 2009

Polar Bear Attacks Woman at Berlin Zoo

Call me a terrible person but I find this story absolutely hilarious. I seriously can't watch the video without laughing out loud. What's wrong with this guy you're probably asking yourself. Well, many things but that's not the point. The point is that regardless of the extent of injuries sustained during the attack, this crazy bitch totally had it coming. Nobody asked her to jump into the enclosure. In fact it took quite a lot of effort on her part to get in there in the first place. She had to scale down a large fence, scrape through a wide hedge full of thorns, and climb over a concrete wall before finally swan diving into the murky moat below where the polar bears swim. Besides it's not like the injuries she sustained were life threatening so don't judge me for being amused. Watch the video (it's all over the net) and see for yourself. It starts with the woman plunging awkwardly into the dirty moat water and making a terrific splash (she's a rather portly woman). She then has a look of elation on her face as she breast-strokes across the filthy moat toward one of the fully-grown adult polar bears (almost as if she's invisioning their loving embrace once she reaches the other side). Just before reaching the massive creature she receives the ultimate reality check in the form of the bear biting her violently on the back of her arm (see image above). It's at this point that panic visibly sets in and she begins to ponder the aptitude of her decision making process. The unassuming bear, who seems largely disinterested in the attack, lets her go as she frantically splashes her way back across the moat to a life preserver ring rescuers have thrown into the water. She inexplicably squeezes the small ring over her large midsection as rescuers attempt to pull her out of the water and over a large retaining wall. Halfway up the wall however gravity and physics win out as the ring gives way and the woman falls helplessly back into the water below. Appearing amused by this chain of events, one of the other adult bears swims over toward the woman, dives under the water, and proceeds to bite her on the ass. The bear lets go as one of the rescuers pokes him violently in the face with a large rod (poor bear didn't see it coming). The bear is momentarily shaken and distracted, as the woman is finally lifted out of the water and over the wall to safety by a high grade length of rope and a pair of rescuers who are clearly no strangers to the weight room. The woman was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment and was cited by police for trespassing. Her motives are still unclear but on-lookers surmised that her intent was to befriend the bears. Attempting to befriend the largest land carnivore on earth, and no less during feeding time? Of course, that makes perfect sense. I know I know this woman clearly has severe mental issues which need to be dealt with, and that on its own is sad. But I'm sorry, watching people do stupid shit will never not be funny (so long as nobody dies, which she didn't, so lighten up people). A big thanks to whoever caught this incident on video - well done. 

This polar bear attack (although it's hard to even call it an attack when a person breaks into the bears house) triggers memories of a similar incident that took place at the San Diego Zoo back in the late 80's or early 90's I believe. A young man broke into the polar bear enclosure and was, wait for it, mauled by the bears (big surprise, I know). Just like in the recent Berlin incident he was seriously injured but survived the attack. While recovering in the hospital he was asked why he entered the polar bear enclosure. His response was so brilliant that I can't help but think of it and smile every time I see bears at the zoo. He replied with a completely straight face and the utmost sincerity "one of the bears was waving me in." You can't make this shit up.