Friday, May 29, 2009

Foreign Relations Advice for President Obama



Dear President Obama,

North Korea’s recent underground detonation of a nuclear weapon following multiple test missile launches, as well as its declaration that the 1953 armistice that effectively ended the Korean war “no longer applies,” are actions and words that you, the United States, and the rest of the world for that matter, can no longer tolerate. On the same day in April that you were giving a speech in Prague on international disarmament, North Korea test-fired a multi-stage missile (the Taepodong-2) over the Pacific Ocean. As I’m sure you are aware this missile is capable of being armed with a nuclear warhead and of reaching the western United States. In going through with the test firing of this missile North Korea ignored a prior warning from you that doing so would be “provocative”. Then on May 25, North Korea detonated a nuclear bomb underground, which was their second detonation of a nuclear device in three years. And as I’m sure you know this explosion was four times the size of the 2006 nuclear blast according to seismic readings, showing progress by the North Koreans in solving the problems their weapons program faced three years ago. Following Monday’s nuclear test, you declared that North Korea’s actions were “directly and recklessly challenging the international community,” and that “such provocations will only serve to deepen North Korea’s isolation.”

Mr. President, I mean this with the utmost respect but Kim Jong-il is totally fucking with you dude. He knows you’re a neophyte president with zero experience in foreign relations, he knows you’re not prepared to back up any of your empty threats, and he knows you have no intention of coming after him. So you know what you do next? You call his bluff. You call his bluff and you go gangsta on his pinko commie ass. Send over the Navy Seals, or the FBI Snipers, or Black Op’s, or whatever top secret military “Michael Bourne” killing machine shit you’ve got up your presidential sleeve, and assassinate that creepy little fucker before he disrespects you anymore.

Seriously Mr. President, you continue to push for the “six-party talks” (North Korea has an open invitation to negotiate a reduction in its nuclear activities with Russia, China, the U.S., South Korea, and Japan in exchange for increased aid and more normalized diplomatic relations) even though North Korea has a history of neglecting to live up to the promises it makes within the framework of the six-party talks and instead soaks up all the aid it can get before pulling away and resuming its illicit nuclear activities. Talk is cheap Mr. President, and clearly any further negotiations with North Korea would amount to nothing more than an exercise in futility.

What’s even worse is that despite all of your stern threats you continue to supply North Korea with shipments of food and energy aid. In fact the United States is the largest donor of such aid to North Korea. I understand that it’s a destitute and famine-ridden state and that the citizens of North Korea are innocent victims in this whole thing, but fuck those guys. If Kim Jong-il wants to play hard ball, let’s play some fucking hard ball. Unfortunately collateral damage is almost entirely unavoidable when dealing with a heartless, piece of shit dictator like Jong-il.

We’ve all heard your pleas to the nuclear members of the international community to divest themselves of their arsenals and join you in the pursuit of your vision of “a world without nuclear weapons.” While ideologies are all good and fine, it’s time to wake up and face reality, Mr. President. The world is a fucked up place. Many of its nations, including North Korea, are run by delusional, power hungry lunatics with no regard for your ideological visions let alone human life. And unfortunately when dealing with these individuals it may at times be necessary to abandon your ideals and do what is necessary to protect our interests both abroad and at home. Nobody ever said being the President of the United States would be easy or pleasant. The time has come to wipe the smirk off that commie bastard’s little face. You’re from Chicago, Mr. President, so show him how we do it mafia style. Hit him hard, hit him fast, and hit him when he least expects it. In other words hit him right now. Better reckanize Kim Jong-il, you bad hair-do wearing, little mother fucker, we’ve got a borrowed scud and it’s got your name written all over it.

And while I have your attention Mr. President, there is one other thing I wanted to bring up. It is widely known that one of the many campaign promises you made during your election was to cut off government investment in a functional missile defense system. It is also widely known that both the White House and the Pentagon are actively working together to fulfill this promise. While I understand that a promise is a promise, and that we are like $11 trillion in debt as it is, don’t you think it might be a bad time to halt spending on a nuclear missile defense system when North Korea is on the verge of perfecting a warhead delivery vehicle capable of reaching the United States? I’m just saying.

Give em hell, Mr. President.

Sincerely,

The Quinsey Blog

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Memorial Day 2009 (a serious post)



Memorial Day is a United States federal holiday observed on the last Monday of every May. Formerly known as Decoration Day, it commemorates U.S. men and women who have died while in military service. First enacted to honor Union soldiers of the American Civil War (it is celebrated near the day of reunification after the Civil War), it was expanded after World War I to include American casualties of any war or military action. On this 25th day of May, 2009, let us remember all those brave men and women who have died in military service to our great nation.

For just a day anyway let’s not think about the feeble state of our economy, or the flawed policies enacted by our misguided government leaders, or the fact that we continue to lose lives in the Middle East almost daily in a war we never should have started in the first place. For just a day anyway let’s instead focus on the ultimate sacrifice made by those in the military to keep our country safe and free. They didn’t start the wars, and they didn’t even necessarily approve of the wars they fought in, yet they bravely gave up their lives for all of us back home who can’t possibly imagine what they must have gone through.

I wake up every day next to my wife. I kiss my kids and send them off to school. I go to work and converse gingerly with my customers. I eat lunch at nice restaurants. I come home and have dinner with my family. We go to the movies, or out to a ballgame, or take a walk in the park together. Then we go to sleep in our warm beds and wake up and do it all over again the next day.

Our soldiers in the Middle East wake up every day alone and think about the loved ones they left behind. They nervously converse with other soldiers and civilians and hope to get through another day alive. They don’t eat lunch in nice restaurants and they don’t get to come home and have dinner with their families. They smoke cigarettes, or play cards, or drink beer, or do whatever it is they have to, to stay distracted long enough to avoid thinking about what their loved ones are probably doing back home. They sleep on uncomfortable cots and in sleeping bags and lie awake at night wondering if they’ll be able to make it through another day. They operate in an uneasy haze day after day in a world we can’t possibly understand, and some of them will never make it back home to their families.

It’s so easy to take for granted the minutia of our everyday lives, and to not appreciate how good we have it. Granted, our lives will always be filled with problems, barriers, and disappointments. But we all have the opportunity to be happy. Happiness is a way of life that’s inside us at all times. It's a state of mind that helps us get through the tough times and celebrate the good ones. We can choose to be happy or choose not to be, but at the end of the day we all have a choice.

Those who have died serving our country no longer have this choice, but because of their sacrifice we do. On this Memorial Day, 2009, I want to extend a heartfelt thank you to all those who have sacrificed their lives in military service to our great nation and to pay a debt of gratitude to the families they left behind. I also want to extend a sincere thank you to all those who are still serving our country in the Middle East. I may not agree with why you’re there, but I respect and admire you, and truly appreciate the sacrifices you make every single day.

The next time I’m out in a restaurant or bar and I see a soldier I’m going to by them a beer and say thanks. I hope everyone who reads this does the same. God speed and good health.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

A retraction? No, an explanation for my recent post on Nancy Pelosi



My wife just read the most recent post on the Quinsey Blog entitled “You really stepped in it this time, Nancy”, and suffice it to say had a severely negative reaction. It’s not that she’s a fan of Nancy Pelosi, quite the contrary actually. Like most people I know my wife thinks Nancy Pelosi is a polarizing, if not offensive individual. She did however feel that the views expressed in my post were a) a complete over-reaction to the current political situation involving Congress, Nancy Pelosi, and the CIA and b) represented a personal attack on Nancy Pelosi herself. Normally I wouldn’t give a rat’s ass if I offended someone with the content in my blog. Shit, half the time that’s why I put it out there in the first place. But seeing as how my wife is my moral compass in this crazy, mixed up world I thought it necessary to further explain my position.

First off I have no problem whatsoever with Nancy Pelosi the person. I don’t even know Nancy Pelosi the person. She may very well be an outstanding mother, grandmother, wife, friend, philanthropist, etc. (although I doubt it) But that wasn’t my point at all. The point of the post was to criticize Nancy Pelosi the politician. I know I know. Politicians are in the business of manipulating the truth for their own personal gain and in turn for the gain of the political party they’re affiliated with. It’s what they get paid to do. But Nancy Pelosi takes it to a whole new level. She’s literally made a career out of exploiting the media to gain favor within her own political party, and at the expense of her political opponents. And in my opinion there’s nobody better at manipulating the truth than Nancy Pelosi. I therefore found it amusingly ironic when she chose to shoot herself in the foot with the very weapon she’s been using to cripple her political opponents for all these years. I then found it doubly amusing when she tried to back pedal her way out of it by clumsily blaming the Bush administration.

Here’s the deal, Nancy. First off you simply can’t accuse the CIA of lying without verifiable proof of the indiscretion. We’re not talking about your HOA or the PTA here, it’s the fucking CIA. And if you’re gonna try and dunk one over Leon Panetta you better come hard to the hole. Secondly, even if you do have proof that they lied why would you possibly want to make an enemy out of the CIA? It’s political suicide, those fuckers know everything. Lastly, if you don’t really have proof that they lied (and let’s face it you don’t) and you want to successfully back pedal your way out of the situation, why not simply apologize and explain that at your ripe age your memory isn’t quite as sharp as it used to be? (Do you really think your ignorant constituents would be scared off by a little senility? Teddy Kennedy still has a job, right?) The last thing you wanted to do was panic, blame the Bush administration, and open up that can of worms again. Just what the CIA wanted - to be reminded of the “faulty intelligence” they allegedly provided to Dubya that allowed him to manipulate congressional support for a bogus war that’s cost our nation over four thousand lives and seven hundred billion dollars amidst a global economic meltdown. Very smooth, Nancy.

In summary the post was in no way a personal attack on Nancy Pelosi, nor do I feel was it an over-reaction to a benign political situation. It was simply a satirical piece intended to poke fun at a career politician who committed an uncharacteristic political blunder then couldn’t get out of her own way trying to defend her undefendable statements.

Monday, May 18, 2009

You really stepped in it this time, Nancy



Top Republicans are demanding an apology from House Speaker Nancy Pelosi or at the very least proof to back up her claims that the CIA misled Congress about the use of harsh interrogation tactics. Pelosi last week said that she was briefed by the CIA on such techniques only once -- in September 2002 -- and that she was told at the time that techniques like waterboarding were not being used. Pelosi, D-California, said she learned from an aide that waterboarding had been used after other lawmakers were briefed in 2003. A recently released Justice Department memo says that the CIA used waterboarding at least 83 times in August 2002, in the interrogation of some al Qaeda asshat at U.S. facilities in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Rep. Pete Hoekstra, the top Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, said Monday that if Pelosi's accusations are not true, she may need to step down. Talk about creating “hope” for the American public. I sure hope you’re right, Pete. "She made some outrageous accusations last week where she said that the CIA lied to her and lied systematically over a period of years. That is a very, very serious charge," Hoekstra said Monday on CNN's "American Morning." "Either the CIA needs to be held accountable for their performance during this time or the speaker needs to be held accountable and be responsible for the actions and the statements that she made last week. One or the other is correct, one or the other is wrong," he said. Translation – Nancy Pelosi is a lying bitch and needs to be punished for her irresponsible actions and words.

House Minority Leader John Boehner demanded that Pelosi provide evidence to support her accusations. "Lying to the Congress of the United States is a crime," Boehner, R-Ohio, said on CNN's "State of the Union." "And if the speaker is accusing the CIA and other intelligence officials of lying or misleading the Congress, then she should come forward with evidence and turn that over to the Justice Department so they can be prosecuted. And if that's not the case, I think she ought to apologize to our intelligence professionals around the world." Translation - put up or shut up, bitch.

Mike Huckabee, the former Arkansas governor and Republican presidential candidate, used a different outlet to voice his criticism, posting a seven-stanza poem about the House speaker on his Web site.

"She sat in briefings and knew about enhanced interrogation; But claims she wasn't there, and can't give an explanation. She disparages the CIA and says they are a bunch of liars; Even the press aren't buying it and they're stoking their fires."

"I believe in the integrity of the men and women who sacrifice to keep us safe; Not the woman who has been caught flat-footed, lying to our face. I say it here and I say it rather clear -- It's time for Nancy Pelosi to resign and get out of here," he wrote.

I love you Mike but that poem really sucks dude. Here’s what you should have put on your website:

Nancy Pelosi is an ignorant slut, I would love to punch her in the gut. She went on TV and told a bunch of lies, her rotten intentions she can no longer disguise.

It’s not that she’s a woman or a democrat, or the fact that she looks like a shriveled, old rat. The reason I hate her is plain as day, I think she’s the devil and that’s all I’m gonna say.

Better, right? No problem Huck - you can thank me later.

As Republicans continue to hammer away, Republican strategist and CNN contributor Ed Rollins said Monday that Pelosi has no one to blame but herself. "This is a self-inflicted wound. ... She brought the whole subject up," he said. "She started this. I think it was the worst week she's had. I'm not accusing her of lying or any of the rest of that, but I think she certainly doesn't have her facts correct." Translation – Nancy you really screwed the pooch on this one.

Following Pelosi's remarks, CIA Director Leon Panetta stood up for the agency and challenged Pelosi's assertions. "There is a long tradition in Washington of making political hay out of our business. It predates my service with this great institution, and it will be around long after I'm gone. But the political debates about interrogation reached a new decibel level yesterday when the CIA was accused of misleading Congress," Panetta said in a letter to employees. "Let me be clear: It is not our policy or practice to mislead Congress. That is against our laws and our values," he said. Panetta said the agency's records from September 2002 indicate that CIA officers "briefed truthfully on the interrogation of Abu Zubaydah (the al Qaeda asshat referenced earlier in this post), describing 'the enhanced techniques that had been employed.'"

Pelosi issued a response to Panetta and shifted her criticism from the CIA to the Bush administration. So fucking predictable. "My criticism of the manner in which the Bush administration did not appropriately inform Congress is separate from my respect for those in the intelligence community who work to keep our country safe," she wrote. Nice attempt at a back pedal Nancy, but nobody’s buying it. Here’s the deal. You said something really stupid (just like you always do) but his time you can’t back it up. And no amount of Bush bashing (no that’s not a double entender – get your minds out of the gutter people) is going to get you out of this mess. Squirm bitch squirm. I love it.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Ode To A Midget



Those who know me well undoubtedly know about my strange fascination with little people. There’s something about them that I find utterly captivating. Every time I see a little person in public I’m overcome with a sense of joy and excitement that I can’t quite explain. Dare I say I might even get a bit giddy (I can safely say that is the first and hopefully the last time I will ever use that word to describe my feelings on this blog or in any other forum). The first thing I do when I spot a little person is to text my friends: Midget sighting at South Coast Plaza. Followed by a brief description of the little fellow: Wearing skater clothes, backwards hat and all, adorable, resisting urge to hug him. Next I will discretely attempt to snap a quick picture on my phone so I can enjoy the image of my little friend later on. Unless of course I’m with my wife who is dead set against both midget texts and picture taking. Something about exploiting them or demeaning them… I can’t quite recall her exact wording. Did I mention my wife is a really good person? Still unclear as to how she ended up with a wretch like me. I digress… A few years back we were having a summer-kick-off party at our house and I decided to hire a midget bartender and a midget waiter to work the party ($250 / hour through rentamidget.com – which just further proves my theory that everything’s available for a price). My wife got wind of the plan and promptly kibosh’d the whole thing. You’re probably thinking right on John’s wife, John is a horrible person and must to be stopped. But before you judge me let’s go through a quick exercise. Close your eyes and picture the best party you’ve ever been to in your whole, entire life. Got it? Now picture the same party with a midget bartender and a midget waiter. Even better right? That’s what I’m saying. My intent was to create a unique experience that party guests would remember and talk about for the rest of their lives. But because of my wife’s good nature it wasn’t happening. The party was still fun but it could have been so much more. Honey if you’re reading this and you really love me please, please let me hire the midgets to work my 40th birthday party. You have five years to think it over. I know exactly what you’re thinking now. Man, this guy’s sick. His objectification of little people is both rude and completely insensitive. And if you happen to be a little person yourself, standing up on your tippy toes, peering over the edge of a desk to read this then I’m sure you’re severely offended and maybe even a little pissed (midgets are so cute when they’re mad). While I understand and can appreciate your points of view I must respectfully disagree. For no matter how deplorable or abhorrent you find my actions and words I can assure you of one thing – I’ve got nothing but love for all little people. What follows is a poem to express my affections.

Ode To A Midget

At five foot nine I can sort of relate
A vertical challenge our similar fate

But to say we’re the same really isn’t quite fair
For when people see me they don’t point and stare

To exploit or demean you is not my objective
The intent of this post is to share my perspective

My strange fascination I’ll attempt to explain
I’ll apologize now if my words cause you pain

What I love about midgets isn’t one thing or two
But all the little things put together is what I love about you

I love your little arms and your stubby little thighs
Even though it’s kinda creepy that your hands are normal sized

I love your little torso and your little midget face
I would love to watch you run in a little midget race

Your head and feet are big while the rest of you is small
At least when you trip over you don’t have far to fall

When I hear your midget voice it gives me great delight
I want to hold you like a baby, I hope that you don’t bite

I’m not sure what you’re thinking behind those beady midget eyes
But please don’t run away from me you need to realize

That even though we’re not the same and you I might offend
There’s nothing in my heart but love for you my dwarfish friend