Friday, May 29, 2009
Foreign Relations Advice for President Obama
Dear President Obama,
North Korea’s recent underground detonation of a nuclear weapon following multiple test missile launches, as well as its declaration that the 1953 armistice that effectively ended the Korean war “no longer applies,” are actions and words that you, the United States, and the rest of the world for that matter, can no longer tolerate. On the same day in April that you were giving a speech in Prague on international disarmament, North Korea test-fired a multi-stage missile (the Taepodong-2) over the Pacific Ocean. As I’m sure you are aware this missile is capable of being armed with a nuclear warhead and of reaching the western United States. In going through with the test firing of this missile North Korea ignored a prior warning from you that doing so would be “provocative”. Then on May 25, North Korea detonated a nuclear bomb underground, which was their second detonation of a nuclear device in three years. And as I’m sure you know this explosion was four times the size of the 2006 nuclear blast according to seismic readings, showing progress by the North Koreans in solving the problems their weapons program faced three years ago. Following Monday’s nuclear test, you declared that North Korea’s actions were “directly and recklessly challenging the international community,” and that “such provocations will only serve to deepen North Korea’s isolation.”
Mr. President, I mean this with the utmost respect but Kim Jong-il is totally fucking with you dude. He knows you’re a neophyte president with zero experience in foreign relations, he knows you’re not prepared to back up any of your empty threats, and he knows you have no intention of coming after him. So you know what you do next? You call his bluff. You call his bluff and you go gangsta on his pinko commie ass. Send over the Navy Seals, or the FBI Snipers, or Black Op’s, or whatever top secret military “Michael Bourne” killing machine shit you’ve got up your presidential sleeve, and assassinate that creepy little fucker before he disrespects you anymore.
Seriously Mr. President, you continue to push for the “six-party talks” (North Korea has an open invitation to negotiate a reduction in its nuclear activities with Russia, China, the U.S., South Korea, and Japan in exchange for increased aid and more normalized diplomatic relations) even though North Korea has a history of neglecting to live up to the promises it makes within the framework of the six-party talks and instead soaks up all the aid it can get before pulling away and resuming its illicit nuclear activities. Talk is cheap Mr. President, and clearly any further negotiations with North Korea would amount to nothing more than an exercise in futility.
What’s even worse is that despite all of your stern threats you continue to supply North Korea with shipments of food and energy aid. In fact the United States is the largest donor of such aid to North Korea. I understand that it’s a destitute and famine-ridden state and that the citizens of North Korea are innocent victims in this whole thing, but fuck those guys. If Kim Jong-il wants to play hard ball, let’s play some fucking hard ball. Unfortunately collateral damage is almost entirely unavoidable when dealing with a heartless, piece of shit dictator like Jong-il.
We’ve all heard your pleas to the nuclear members of the international community to divest themselves of their arsenals and join you in the pursuit of your vision of “a world without nuclear weapons.” While ideologies are all good and fine, it’s time to wake up and face reality, Mr. President. The world is a fucked up place. Many of its nations, including North Korea, are run by delusional, power hungry lunatics with no regard for your ideological visions let alone human life. And unfortunately when dealing with these individuals it may at times be necessary to abandon your ideals and do what is necessary to protect our interests both abroad and at home. Nobody ever said being the President of the United States would be easy or pleasant. The time has come to wipe the smirk off that commie bastard’s little face. You’re from Chicago, Mr. President, so show him how we do it mafia style. Hit him hard, hit him fast, and hit him when he least expects it. In other words hit him right now. Better reckanize Kim Jong-il, you bad hair-do wearing, little mother fucker, we’ve got a borrowed scud and it’s got your name written all over it.
And while I have your attention Mr. President, there is one other thing I wanted to bring up. It is widely known that one of the many campaign promises you made during your election was to cut off government investment in a functional missile defense system. It is also widely known that both the White House and the Pentagon are actively working together to fulfill this promise. While I understand that a promise is a promise, and that we are like $11 trillion in debt as it is, don’t you think it might be a bad time to halt spending on a nuclear missile defense system when North Korea is on the verge of perfecting a warhead delivery vehicle capable of reaching the United States? I’m just saying.
Give em hell, Mr. President.
The Quinsey Blog