Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Ode To A Midget

Those who know me well undoubtedly know about my strange fascination with little people. There’s something about them that I find utterly captivating. Every time I see a little person in public I’m overcome with a sense of joy and excitement that I can’t quite explain. Dare I say I might even get a bit giddy (I can safely say that is the first and hopefully the last time I will ever use that word to describe my feelings on this blog or in any other forum). The first thing I do when I spot a little person is to text my friends: Midget sighting at South Coast Plaza. Followed by a brief description of the little fellow: Wearing skater clothes, backwards hat and all, adorable, resisting urge to hug him. Next I will discretely attempt to snap a quick picture on my phone so I can enjoy the image of my little friend later on. Unless of course I’m with my wife who is dead set against both midget texts and picture taking. Something about exploiting them or demeaning them… I can’t quite recall her exact wording. Did I mention my wife is a really good person? Still unclear as to how she ended up with a wretch like me. I digress… A few years back we were having a summer-kick-off party at our house and I decided to hire a midget bartender and a midget waiter to work the party ($250 / hour through rentamidget.com – which just further proves my theory that everything’s available for a price). My wife got wind of the plan and promptly kibosh’d the whole thing. You’re probably thinking right on John’s wife, John is a horrible person and must to be stopped. But before you judge me let’s go through a quick exercise. Close your eyes and picture the best party you’ve ever been to in your whole, entire life. Got it? Now picture the same party with a midget bartender and a midget waiter. Even better right? That’s what I’m saying. My intent was to create a unique experience that party guests would remember and talk about for the rest of their lives. But because of my wife’s good nature it wasn’t happening. The party was still fun but it could have been so much more. Honey if you’re reading this and you really love me please, please let me hire the midgets to work my 40th birthday party. You have five years to think it over. I know exactly what you’re thinking now. Man, this guy’s sick. His objectification of little people is both rude and completely insensitive. And if you happen to be a little person yourself, standing up on your tippy toes, peering over the edge of a desk to read this then I’m sure you’re severely offended and maybe even a little pissed (midgets are so cute when they’re mad). While I understand and can appreciate your points of view I must respectfully disagree. For no matter how deplorable or abhorrent you find my actions and words I can assure you of one thing – I’ve got nothing but love for all little people. What follows is a poem to express my affections.

Ode To A Midget

At five foot nine I can sort of relate
A vertical challenge our similar fate

But to say we’re the same really isn’t quite fair
For when people see me they don’t point and stare

To exploit or demean you is not my objective
The intent of this post is to share my perspective

My strange fascination I’ll attempt to explain
I’ll apologize now if my words cause you pain

What I love about midgets isn’t one thing or two
But all the little things put together is what I love about you

I love your little arms and your stubby little thighs
Even though it’s kinda creepy that your hands are normal sized

I love your little torso and your little midget face
I would love to watch you run in a little midget race

Your head and feet are big while the rest of you is small
At least when you trip over you don’t have far to fall

When I hear your midget voice it gives me great delight
I want to hold you like a baby, I hope that you don’t bite

I’m not sure what you’re thinking behind those beady midget eyes
But please don’t run away from me you need to realize

That even though we’re not the same and you I might offend
There’s nothing in my heart but love for you my dwarfish friend


Lauren and Michael said...

You are freakin' hilarious and sick all at the same time.

Sandi said...

I just found you through Amanda's blog. You are a riot. I have been reading you for 45 minutes. PLEASE come find me and introduce yourself. I am the octomom of Oso Grande and I am begging you for an invitation to your 40th birthday. Begging!

If you need to read me first, you can find me at