Monday, July 13, 2009

10 Random Observations About Nothing In Particular

1) Have you ever noticed how the notion of time ceases to exist in airports, Las Vegas, or anytime you’re on vacation? Honestly in what other scenarios besides these would it be socially acceptable to crack open your first unapologetic beer at 8:00 in the morning?

2) Why is it that Al Sharpton (and his shit-eating grin) feels the need to make a gratuitous television appearance anytime a situation occurs anywhere in the country involving anyone who’s even remotely black? Is the term “social activist” really just another way of saying shameless media whore?

3) How come certain people hit reply to all on every e-mail they receive even though it’s almost never necessary or appropriate to do so? Discretion, people… use it.

4) At what point in time did people decide it was cool to start bringing their dogs with them everywhere they go (the mall, the grocery store, outdoor restaurants, etc.)? Dogs are dirty and purses are for wallets and make-up. Need I say more?

5) Have you ever noticed how there’s always at least one visibly proud guy at every bar you go to who’s completely oblivious to the fact that the girl he’s with is a total scud? The sobering light of the morning sun will be a bitter mistress tomorrow, my friend.

6) Why do people who break down on the side of the freeway always feel the urge to get out of their cars and use their cell phones while waiting for help, even though everyone’s aware of the statistics that state getting out of your car on the side of the freeway is the number one cause of automobile deaths besides drunk driving? Who says evolution isn’t still a work in progress?

7) Why is it that certain celebrities feel the need to share their very biased political beliefs with the media? Um excuse me George Clooney, but remind me again how playing characters in the movies and on TV qualifies you to have an expert opinion on foreign policy or nuclear disarmament.

8) How come despite huge advancements in prenatal and pediatric care over the last 30 years, today’s children are much weaker and more susceptible to illness than children were 30 years ago? When I was a kid I don’t recall a single other kid in any of my classes who ran the risk of being killed by inhaling peanut dust.

9) Why do people who live in coyote-filled suburbia insist on posting lost cat signs? Please stop wasting paper and patronizing your children. You know you hated cleaning that damn cat box anyway.

10) Why do certain people on Facebook feel the need to update their status at least ten times a day even though they really have nothing to say?

8:10 am – John just had his morning coffee and a cheese danish… yum.

9:03 am – John getting ready to leave for work… hope traffic’s not too bad today.

10:24 am – John another day in the office… Nancy’s ass sure looks fat in those jeans – LOL!

11:35 – John thinking about what he’ll eat for lunch… maybe a Subway turkey and avocado on wheat – on a diet.

12:15 pm – John on his lunch break! Changed my mind about Subway and decided on Chinese instead – screw the diet… LOL!

1:42 pm – John wondering if this workday is ever going to end?

2:14 pm – John five o’clock where are you? LOL!

3:30 pm – John just took his fifth personality test of the day on FB – those things never get old.

4:20 pm – John just watched his boss totally pick his nose… STFU! LOL!

5:01 pm – John is outta here – happy hour here I come!

7:30 pm – John doesn’t really have anything else to say but wanted to break his own personal record for number of status updates in a twelve hour period – cha ching.

This might be a radical concept for some people to embrace, but sometimes less is actually more.

1 comment:

Tiffany said...

First, survival of the fittest no longer exists thanks to modern medicine.. so sick people get to live when they used to die.
Second... hate cats, love the cat comment!
Third, hope you're not referring to me on the facebook comments :) tiff