Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Ode To A Soccer Tool

It’s that time of year again when the days start to get shorter and the leaves begin to change color. Fall is here and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for a new season of AYSO soccer, and time to deal with the socially awkward, sexually frustrated, and oddly motivated individuals who run the local regions of AYSO soccer and who coach (I use the term loosely) the teams our daughters and sons play on. You know the type I’m talking about. The severely misguided yet highly entertaining douche waffles who forget what AYSO soccer is really all about (the kids) and behave like complete assholes in a vicarious attempt to recapture lost glory. They hold formal team meetings when a simple e-mail would suffice, they show up for each practice in ridiculous get-ups (brightly colored jerseys with matching sweat pants, cleats, and shin guards), they use words like pitch and touch line, and they act as though the outcome of each game (or match as they would call it) is a matter of life and death. They also pretty much put their entire lives on hold during the soccer season as they spend more time putting together their line-ups and “game-planning” than they do working at their actual jobs, and spend more time with their fellow board members (getting trained, certified, and attending various board meetings) than they do with their actual family members. But for those noble few who are able to endure and persevere, the sacrifice is well worth it. For if they’re skilled (lucky) enough to capture a league championship at least for a moment anyway their utterly empty lives will have meaning and purpose. What follows is a tribute to the pathetic yet lovable d-bags I speak of. I call it…

Ode To A Soccer Tool

From the first team meeting it was abundantly clear
As you laid out your plans for the upcoming year

You used words like sacrifice, hard work, and desire
You spoke about discipline, mental toughness, and ire?

We all looked around and wondered, is this guy for real?
That’s when you quieted and said sternly, look here’s the deal

I’ve already scouted each team in our bracket
I’ve discovered their weakness and how to attack it

If you stick to my system and don’t get in the way
A championship we will win, our opponents will pay

Just then a nice lady spoke up and said
My daughter has asthma and an over-sized head

She’s allergic to grass and can’t really run
Isn’t 8-year-old soccer just supposed to be fun?

You gave her a look like you wanted her dead
You started to tremble, your skin turned bright red

After a pause and some hesitation you sighed
You gathered yourself then calmly replied

I’m sorry perhaps I wasn’t clear
In U9 we keep score, there are standings this year

It’s competitive soccer, ma’am, whether you like it or not
And it matters if we win or lose, oh it matters a lot

There’ll be no participation trophies or empty pats on the backs
No more equal playing time for the kids who are hacks

We’ll fight hard in each battle and no prisoners we’ll take
We will focus on victory and all that’s at stake

This is soccer jihad people, we are going to war
If your daughter can’t take it then please see the door

The lady took her wheezing candy apple by the hand
“I will go to the board and see to it you’re banned”

She marched toward the door in a huff and then left
You smiled a wry smile, rubbed a finger to your cleft

Any other quitters go ahead and leave now, you spoke
We all stared in amazement, was this some kind of joke?

The first practice arrived and things got even stranger
We started to wonder if our kids were in danger

You showed up early to warm up and stretch out
In a Euro professional futbol jersey, no doubt

In matching sweat pants with the signature swoosh
Wearing full cleats and shin guards, what a douche

You looked like an asshole but it got even worse
As you began to instruct we all learned of your curse

A big game you talked but it was all mirrors and smoke
For you ran like a girl and your drills were a joke

You were born without talent, athletically void
Not unlike that gay dude from Entourage, Lloyd

As you clumsily galloped around the field like a fool
We couldn’t help but imagine what it was like for you back in school

You must have been picked on, and spit on, and teased
You no doubt received wedgies, your lunch money seized

You probably spent much of your time all alone
You never played sports or got calls on the phone

Your only female companionship came from your Mom
You must’ve jerked off a lot and stayed home from the prom

As I look at you now it all makes perfect sense
No wonder you’re creepy and strangely intense

Up to this point in time your life has been crap
Your wife is a cow, your career is a trap

To you soccer is more than just a game to be played
It’s a chance for redemption, albeit delayed

Your life didn’t turn out the way that you planned it
But in soccer people respect you, in fact you demand it

And if luck intervenes and your team wins it all
At least for a moment anyway you can stand tall

For while youth soccer to most doesn’t matter one bit
It matters a lot when your life’s complete shit

So go ahead and dress funny, take it all way too serious
Scream at the ref’s, go completely delirious

Yell at the girls who can’t play in the heat
Refuse to shake hands with the teams you don’t beat

Remember to talk trash to the opposing team’s players
Be quick to start fights with all the naysayers

And no matter what happens know this to be true
People won’t understand for they haven’t a clue

They will heckle and curse you, you’ll be a pariah
Just like that freak from American Idol, Sanjaya

But instead of piling on and making it worse
I’ll be there to support you, you and your curse

And while most people will call you an idiot or fool
I’ll stand up and salute you, you poor soccer tool

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Ambien CR Commercial - Unbelievable


Holy shit – was that a commercial I just watched or a 60 second disclaimer intended to scare the crap out of me? Let me get this straight. The down side of taking Ambien CR is that I might get out of bed in the middle of the night with a hankering for chorizo, drive down to the local Filiberto’s to get my grub on, decide to walk to the bar next door and hit on some dude’s girlfriend, punch him in the face when he confronts me, shroom out and see pink and green elephants in the back of the cop car on the way to the pokey, get gang raped by a group of drunken trannies in the holding cell while the officer I just insulted conveniently looks the other way, wake up the next morning with a sore ass and no recollection as to why, and have a sudden urge to kill myself with the plastic shiv I stole from one of the trannies the night before (assuming my grotesquely swollen tongue hasn’t already done the job). And the upside is I actually stay asleep for 7 to 8 hours, wake up with a bad case of the grogs, and more than likely shit myself on the way to the can. Um… thanks but I think I’ll stick with Vodka and Advil PM.

An excerpt from the Sanofi-Aventis web site:

(and this shit is 100% legal while marijuana is not – go figure)


AMBIEN and AMBIEN CR are treatment options you and your doctor can consider along with lifestyle changes. When taking either of them, don’t drive or operate machinery. Plan to devote 7 to 8 hours to sleep before being active. Sleepwalking, and eating or driving while not fully awake, with memory loss for the event, as well as abnormal behaviors such as being more outgoing or aggressive than normal, confusion, agitation, and hallucinations may occur. Don’t take it with alcohol as it may increase these behaviors. In patients with depression, worsening of depression, including risk of suicide may occur. If you experience any of these behaviors contact your doctor immediately. Allergic reactions such as shortness of breath, swelling of your tongue or throat, may occur and in rare cases may be fatal. If you have an allergic reaction while using AMBIEN or AMBIEN CR, contact your doctor immediately. Side effects of AMBIEN CR may include next-day drowsiness, dizziness and headache. There is a low occurrence of side effects associated with the short-term use of AMBIEN. The most commonly observed side effects in controlled clinical trials were drowsiness, dizziness, and diarrhea. AMBIEN is taken for 7 to 10 days –or longer as advised by your provider. AMBIEN CR can be taken as long as your doctor recommends. AMBIEN and AMBIEN CR have some risk of dependency. They are non-narcotic.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Global Warming, Unicorns, and Attractive Fat People

Question: What do global warming, unicorns, and attractive fat people have in common?

Answer: They don’t exist, duh.

To be fair unicorns might actually exist in a parallel universe where the rivers run deep with milk chocolate and jelly beans fall from the sky… and I’ve also heard tales of a deviant societal sub-culture dubbed “chubby chasers” to whom fat people actually are attractive (barf)… but global warming? No, I can tell you with the utmost certainty that global warming most definitely does not exist.

I know I know, we all saw Al Gore’s academy award winning documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth”, and when you see something in a documentary it must be true, right? Wrong. Not only is the earth's atmosphere not warming but scientific evidence shows that it’s actually cooling (according to highly accurate satellite-based temperature measurements the earth’s atmosphere has cooled by 0.13° Celsius since 1979). Granted if you look back a little further the atmosphere has gotten a little warmer (the same atmospheric temperature measurements show an increase of 0.54° Celsius from 1881 to 1993). But nearly 70 percent of the warming of this entire time period — 0.37° Celsius —occurred in the first half of the record — before the period of the greatest build-up of greenhouse gases. So even though there was a nominal amount of warming that took place over the past century it likely had more to do with things like fluctuations in solar activity, El NiƱo weather patterns, and volcanic activity, than it did a buildup of carbon dioxide. And assuming CO2 had any effect at all the vast majority of the earth’s CO2 is generated naturally, which means the likely effect of all human activity is effectively zero. Therefore the phenomenon which has come to be known as “global warming” is in all likelihood nothing more than an elaborate hoax concocted by liberal politicians in an effort to regulate of all things the weather. Or to put it more simply global warming is a lie.

Hell, you don’t have to believe me. Log on to the internet and do a search for a British documentary titled, “The Great Global Warming Swindle”. Unlike Al Gore’s emotional documentary this film is based on sound scientific evidence and includes interviews with actual climate scientists. It does a great job rebuking the major arguments put forth in Gore’s documentary and clearly illustrates that any fluctuations in the earth’s atmospheric temperature are the result of a natural cycle of climate fluctuation, and have little or nothing to do with man’s growing carbon footprint.

Still don’t believe me? Look, I can’t make you smarter but I can enlighten you with a more scientific point of view. Here’s the deal: there is absolutely no scientific proof whatsoever that any current or future warming in the atmosphere is being caused by the rise of greenhouse gases from human activity. This conclusion is nothing more than a politically driven, half-baked hypothesis. In Gore’s film, he presents evidence found in research done on ice core samples from Antarctica, which he claims is proof for the theory of CO2 being the cause of rising temperatures. However, ice core records from the past 650,000 years show exactly the opposite - that temperature increases have preceded (not resulted from) increases in CO2, and by hundreds of years. The warmer periods of the earth's history came around 800 years before rises in carbon dioxide levels, meaning that a rise in carbon dioxide follows a rise in temperature, rather than vice versa. This evidence suggests that the warming of the oceans is an important source (not result) of the rise in atmospheric CO2. And as the dominant greenhouse gas, water vapor is therefore far more important than CO2. Yet the current computer climate models (which Gore’s dire predictions of future warming are based on) do not accurately understand the role of water vapor—and, in any case, water vapor is not within our control. Plus, computer models cannot account for the observed cooling of much of the past century. For example after the Second World War, when there was incidentally a huge surge in carbon dioxide emissions, global temperatures actually fell for four decades following 1940. This suggests that any current warming is simply a part of the natural cycle of climate fluctuation that’s been traced back almost a million years. Let’s take a quick look back in history to help illustrate this point. First there was the Medieval Warm Period around 1100 A.D., when the Vikings settled Greenland and grew crops. Then there was the Little Ice Age, from about 1400 to 1850 A.D., which brought severe winters and cold summers to Europe, with failed harvests, starvation, disease, and general misery. Global warming advocates have tried to deny the existence of these historic climate swings and claim that the current warming is "unusual" by using spurious analysis of tree rings and other proxy data, resulting in the famous “hockey–stick” temperature graph. Sorry greenies, but the hockey-stick graph has since been thoroughly discredited by scientific evidence.

I agree that Gore’s documentary was very convincing in its hypothesis that global warming is a man-made phenomenon which has the potential to kill us all and end humanity, but if you look at the individual tenets of his hypothesis they can all be discredited with science. Hollywood and the academy voters may have been duped but let’s not buy into the hype people. Science proves beyond the shadow of a doubt that the causes of any global warming are mostly if not entirely natural. Therefore there’s nothing anyone can do stop it. We cannot control the inconstant sun, the likely origin of most climate variability, which means all schemes for greenhouse gas reduction currently being pushed by the IPCC and the various world governments will amount to nothing more than an exercise in futility. Besides could someone please explain to me how a warmer climate will be a bad thing? Shit, most economists actually argue that the opposite is true - that warming will produce a net benefit, with increases in incomes and standards of living. Why do we assume that the present climate is the optimum? I can here you greenies whining as I write this. But what about the rising sea levels and the fact that the continents will eventually be under water if we don’t do something to stop it? Listen greenies - the much feared rise in sea levels clearly has very little to do with short–term temperature changes, as the rate of sea level increases has been steady since the last ice age, over 10,000 years ago. Bottom line the sea levels are going to continue to rise whether we like it or not. It really couldn’t matter less if you drive a huge, gas-guzzling SUV or a little, shit-box Prius. So dump the clown car and deal with it.

All kidding aside the major problem I have with global warming is much broader than the politically corrupt Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) or the vast army of gullible drones who lap up Al Gore’s Kool-Aid then ask for more. The main problem I have can be summed with a single, fundamental question. Why should we as a human race devote our limited resources to what is essentially a non–issue, while we ignore the real problems the world faces: famine, disease, human rights violations, financial turmoil, and terrorism – not to mention a crazy, midget dictator who’s cooking up nuclear bombs as I type. And are we even properly prepared to deal with natural disasters or pandemics that could wipe out all or most of the world’s population? If recent history is any indication we are not. Yet Al Gore, who is not a climatologist, a meteorologist, an astronomer, or a scientist of any kind, advocates squandering away our limited resources on a fashionable issue, rather than concentrating on earth’s real problems.

Or maybe science is wrong, Al Gore’s right, and we are on a destructive path to the end of the world and humanity as we know it. So what? Recent Gallup Polls show that 95% of the world’s population believes in “God”. And God created this world, right? So when it’s all used up and gone why can’t He just start over and create another one? And perhaps world version 2.0 could even include unicorns and attractive fat people? Where’s your faith, people? I’m just saying.