Monday, October 12, 2009

Why My Wife Thinks I'm An Asshole



I know my wife loves me but she also thinks I'm an asshole. Why? It's probably because I was born without a filter and freely share my opinions no matter how untimely, inappropriate, or distasteful they might be. My poor wife is with me constantly and therefore hears way more about my thoughts, opinions, and observations than anyone should ever have to. As an example here's six quick commentaries in no particular order on random things I've experienced over the past week or so. Clearly my wife should get a medal for sticking with me as long as she has. Come to think of it the title of this post might actually be the perfect title for my first book: "Why My Wife Thinks I'm An Asshole" - it's got a nice ring to it. Now on to the commentaries:

European tourists. Dear European tourists visiting the United States: what you do in Europe is your business but when you visit our country please shower regularly, brush your teeth daily, and wear deodorant whenever you go out in public. In the United States personal hygiene is not an option, its’ a rule, okay? You also need to respect other people’s personal space. Try this - pretend like everyone has a force field that extends three feet out from every part of their body. When you penetrate this force field you’re too fucking close, got it? Thanks.

Al Roker. I love you big man but could you please stop discriminating against non-black people every morning on “The Today Show”? Seriously, without fail every time you go outside to mingle with “The Today Show” crowd you go out of your way to seek out a token black person to put on TV while countless deserving non-black people get left out in the cold (literally). Just the other morning I watched you pass up an adorable, non-black kid who spent all night making a stupid sign that read “Happy Birthday Grammie”, for a fat, black chick named Shirley who wanted to show you a picture of her cats. Come on Al, you don’t see Lauer cherry-picking tall, white people out of the crowd to put on TV, do you?

Boy Scouts. Why the hell would you enroll your kid in Boy Scouts? Do you want to guarantee that the poor lad doesn’t get laid till he’s thirty? What? You think I’m being too harsh? Take your kid to school on the day the Scouts are wearing their uniforms, or sashes, or whatever the hell it is that they wear. I’ll bet you dollars for doughnuts that 80% no scratch that 90% of the kids in uniform are on a one way track to Nerdville. Just because your kid’s not good in sports doesn’t mean you have to ruin his life by making him a Boy Scout. Buy him guitar lessons, or teach him how to pick locks, whatever – just keep him the hell out of the Boy Scouts.

Southwest Airlines. I fucking hate Southwest Airlines. The other day I arrive two hours early for my flight to San Jose. When I check in I’m sure there’ll be an A on my boarding pass or worst case I’ll be in the first half of the B group. Either way I’m sure to avoid the dreaded middle seat death sentence that is group C, right? Wrong. Two fucking hours early and I end up in group fucking C. As I walk towards the back of the plane browsing through my abysmal middle seat options it strikes me what a problem obesity in America has truly become. I bet there weren’t more than a handful of people on the entire plane who could even spell the word salad. In case you’re wondering I ended up next to a fat, old lady who smelled like a mixture of moth balls and urine, and a skinny, Indian dude who smelled like he’d just bathed in curry. Did I mention I fucking hate Southwest Airlines?

The lower class. You constantly hear liberal politicians rambling on about policies and programs aimed at helping the lower class. If only they got a break from the government they would be able to better themselves and pull themselves out of poverty, blah blah blah. Well, here’s the problem with that logic: the lower class is the lower class for a reason. It’s not because they were born into it and simply need a helping hand to get out of it (see the fucked up Welfare system). No, the lower class is the lower class because they lack the basic intelligence necessary to be anything else. What makes it worse is that stupid people are generally attracted to other stupid people. When two stupid people get together they’ll inevitably have stupid sex and create… stupid babies of course. So like begets like and the vicious cycle is unbroken. Granted there are exceptions to every rule and occasionally a smart kid will get stuck in a tough situation. But if they’re truly smart and they truly want a better life they’ll figure out a way to rise above (see countless success stories of rich & famous people who started out poor). The net of the situation is that broad-stroke programs aimed at helping the lower class as a whole are completely pointless. Let the stupid people of society wallow in the depths of their own ineptitude and focus on problems that actually can be solved.

Racism. I recently had several soccer coaches from the UK staying at my house as part of an AYSO soccer coaching program. They were very nice guys and one of them happened to be black. I’m not sure how we got on the subject but one day we had a conversation about racism. He explained that throughout his entire life he had never experienced a single instance of racism. He went on to say that racism basically does not exist in the UK. He asked me why I thought racism exists in the United States. I didn’t have a good answer but I thought about it more later that day after our conversation was over. Why does racism exist in the US? I can think of no other reason other than the United States, and in particular the South, is filled with ignorant idiots. We’re supposed to be the greatest country in the world yet we have segments of our population that hate other segments of the population simply because of the color of their skin. Think about that. How fucking stupid do you have to be to hate someone simply because they’re different than you? It gets back to my previous point about the lower class and their severe lack of intelligence. Not surprising that much of the lower class resides in the South where racism is most prevalent. Could someone please draft a bill that promotes secession of the Southern states? Unlike 1861, we’ll let you stay separate this time. Never thought I’d envy Europe for anything. Guess I was wrong.