Thursday, December 23, 2010

Thank the Gays

When I was a younger man I was closed minded and ignorant, no question about it. During my college years I worked at a restaurant in a predominately gay part of San Diego called Hillcrest. I specifically remember the arguments I used to have with my homosexual coworkers regarding the righteousness (or lack thereof) of their lifestyle “choice”. My position was that homosexuality is completely unnatural on the basis that two members of the same sex cannot procreate, and therefore it’s not what nature intended. Fortunately I evolved and soon became aware of the pigheaded errors in my ill-conceived judgment. Error #1: People don’t “choose” to be gay – either you are or you aren’t – it’s hardwired into our DNA from birth. (Don’t get me started on bisexuals – that’s a whole other post in itself) Error #2: How do we know that homosexuality isn’t nature’s way of controlling population growth, which would by definition make it every bit as natural as heterosexuality?

Think about it - the earth has a limited amount of natural resources and can therefore only support a finite amount of life for a finite amount of time. Unlike global warming, over-population and the diminishment of earth’s natural resources are two actual problems facing humanity. Perhaps homosexuality was a part of the master plan all along to help keep the population in check, but until only recently has society become enlightened enough to accept it as non-deviant behavior (except in the red states of course where apparently it’s okay to have sex with your cousin but it’s not okay to be gay). If you think about it in these terms the gays are actually doing the rest of the population a favor by jumping on the proverbial reproduction grenade, so that we straights may continue to fill the world with our own judgmental offspring.

Which is brings us to the moral responsibility of all parents, and I cannot express the importance of this enough. It’s 2010 people - we’re just 2 short years from being introduced to the 4th dimension of space and time (allegedly). During this the season of giving please, please, please teach your children not to be threatened by, to hate, or to forsake the gays, but instead teach them to tolerate, accept, and even thank the gays. Yes - they take part in the love that dare not speak its name, but open your mind and you’ll see that gays are entitled to the exact same rights to life, love, and happiness as everyone else in this crazy, mixed up world. If anything the gays actually deserve more rights as they’re not part of the serious over-population problem facing the world today, but instead they’re part of the solution. It’s just too bad there aren’t more Chinese gays (1 out of every 5 babies born in the world today is Chinese).

And to my homosexual coworkers from the Corvette Diner in San Diego in the early 1990’s I apologize – you were right and I was wrong.

The Quinsey Blog

Thursday, December 16, 2010

10 Things I Hate Most About You

Sitting in the airport on yet another flight delay, growing more and more bitter and impatient with each passing announcement. When I was younger I actually used to enjoy business travel – the excitement of experiencing a new city with new people, new hotels, and new restaurants. Now that I’m older and wiser I see it exactly for what it is – a big fucking (yet necessary) drag. The casual traveler might think that the worst part of travel is the security lines, or the awkward pat downs, or the inevitable winter time flight delays. But the savvy business traveler knows full well that the absolute worst part of traveling isn’t any of those things, but instead the other travelers themselves. What follows is my list of the 10 things I hate most about you, fellow occupier of the not-so-friendly skies (you know exactly who you are):

1) I hate it that your boarding pass clearly states B19 yet you insist on standing shamelessly in the B11 – B15 section intentionally holding your boarding pass face down, hoping no one will discover that you’re a miserable fraud (if I get stuck in a middle seat because of you I swear you’re fucking dead).

2) I hate it when you board the plane and ask me a stupid question you clearly already know the answer to: “Excuse me sir, but are you saving that seat for someone?” (no genius – I just put my bag there for the fuck of it – beat it, fatty)

3) I hate it that your carry on is the size of a small country yet you insist on squeezing it into the overhead compartment (oh no problem dude, that’s just my suit coat you just smashed into the back of the overhead – I’m sure it won’t be wrinkled at all when we land).

4) I hate it when you flash a judgmental look in my direction after I order an alcoholic beverage at 7:00 in the morning (hey lady – it’s the end of the quarter, I’m all fuckin stressed out, and it’s just one drink so back the fuck off, alright?)

5) I hate it when you wear so much freaking perfume that it makes my eyes water and my head hurt (I know you think you’re doing everyone on the plane a favor by trying to conceal your gross, old lady smell but I’ll take stinky old person over vomit inducing combo of floor cleaner, mouth wash, and air freshener any day of the week).

6) I hate it when you recline your seat so far back that you’re essentially laying in my lap (here’s a tip – if I can see the hairs inside your nose you’re too fucking close to me).

7) I hate it that you insist on talking my ear off for the duration of the flight even though I gave you no opening to start talking to me in the first place and haven’t even slightly feigned interest in a single, stupid word you’ve said the entire trip (news flash: when someone has ear phones in and deliberately avoids making eye contact with you at all costs, it’s probably a good idea to leave them the fuck alone).

8) I hate it when you fall asleep and involuntarily lean your dirty head on my shoulder (if I slap you across the face as hard as I can to wake you up please don’t take it personally).

9) I hate it that when the plane pulls into to the gate and the fasten seat belt sign goes off, you bum rush the front of the plane like it’s black Friday at Walmart (yo jackass – sit the fuck down and wait your turn until EVERYONE in front of you has exited their rows – why do I even need to tell you this?)

10) I hate it that once you spot your luggage in baggage claim you sprint up to the carousel in a panic, rip off your ridiculously large suitcase in an adrenalin induced moment of super human strength, and in the process take out the five people standing immediately nearest to you (you do realize that if you miss it on the first go round your luggage will come back again on the very next rotation, right?)

I realize you have a lot of choices for air travel and hope that in the future you consider behaving like a decent human being before ever getting on my flight again.


The Quinsey Blog

Thursday, December 2, 2010

LPGA Opens Huge Can of Worms

Let me preface this post by stating that I care about professional women’s golf just about as much as I care about professional women’s basketball, and I care about professional women’s basketball only slightly less than I care about professional women’s softball (have you seen Jennie Finch?). That said I just had to chime in on this recent change in LPGA tour policy.

The LPGA's players voted Tuesday to allow transgender women golfers a chance to play on the tour by amending the organization's constitution and removing the "female at birth" requirement. The vote came at a meeting ahead of the LPGA Tour Championship, which starts Thursday at Grand Cypress Golf Club in Orlando (which no one including myself will be watching). The change followed a lawsuit filed by a transgender woman over the "female at birth" requirement. Lana Lawless, a 57-year-old who underwent gender reassignment surgery in 2005, filed the lawsuit in U.S. District Court in San Francisco (where else?) in October, claiming the policy violates California civil rights laws. Lawless won the women's world championship in long-drive golf in 2008 (duh – she’s a dude), but was barred from competing this year because Long Drivers of America -- which oversees the event -- had changed its policy to mirror that of the LPGA.

I’m going to sound callous and insensitive here, but what the fuck, several of my recent posts have been on the touchy, feely side and I think I’m more than overdue for some inappropriate honesty so here goes. Just because you’ve had your junk clipped, a pair of fun bags bolted on, and try like hell to conceal your Janet Reno man-voice, that doesn’t mean you’re a lady, Lana. And the last time I checked the LPGA still stands for LADIES Professional Golf Association. What the hell were those nags thinking? I can hear the crazy wheels turning already. There’s probably at least a half dozen over-zealous male golf pros out there (who weren’t quite good enough to cut it on the men’s tour – no pun intended) contemplating hacking off their junk to make another run at glory on the women’s tour. Not to mention all the misguided souls who flamed out in other sports. Whether it was their intention or not those dimwits on the LPGA tour just opened up a huge can of worms and allowed nut jobs across the world to make a full fledged assault on professional women’s sports.

Do I think Lana Lawless (love the irony in his/her last name) is a hermaphroditic freak show? Sure, a little (don’t judge me - I grew up in east county), but I’m all for civil rights and I firmly believe that everyone including transgenders deserves equal rights and treatment under the law. I also happen to think that Mr./Ms. Lawless’ lawsuit is an egregious abuse of the civil rights system, and that by allowing a former man to participate in a professional woman’s sport we’re granting him/her greater than equal rights under the law. If Lawless is so intent on playing professional golf perhaps he/she should start their own transgender tour – the TPGA (wonder what tees they’d hit from?).

We all know exactly why the LPGA players voted in favor of this policy change. You’re all thinking it so I’ll go ahead and say it. Most of the players on the professional women’s tour are gay (or at least they sure look that way) so they’re naturally more sensitive to the plight of transgenders and the difficulties they face fitting in. That said it should come as no surprise that they voted to include transgender women on the tour. The problem is transgender women aren’t really (biologically speaking) women at all. It’s hard to believe they could be so short-sighted and not consider the impact this policy change would have on not just professional women’s golf but professional women’s sports as a whole.

Well done LPGA - and you thought the ratings were bad before.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Name That Protest

I don't speak Urdu (national language of Pakistan) but judging from the lady in yellow's grill, I'm fairly confident this protest has something to do with improved dental healthcare? Wow.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Why I’m Definitely Going to Heaven or Maybe Not: A Debate with Myself on Religion

The other day at the airport I made a small donation to some lady sitting on the sidewalk holding out a coffee can. As I walked away she exclaimed “God loves you.” It’s not the first time I’ve heard someone say this but it got me thinking on the flight home. If God really loves me why did He make me 5’9” instead of 6’2”? And if He really loves me why did He make me just athletic enough to fall completely in love with sports but not nearly athletic enough to excel in them? And why did He make me intelligent enough to question every aspect of my being and His very existence but not intelligent enough to figure any of it out? And why did He put so much damn beauty in the world but not grant me the time nor the resources to enjoy more than a just a fraction of it? If God really loves me then why do I have so many questions and so few answers?

I do not consider myself a religious person. I do believe in a higher power. I don’t believe we are here by some cosmic accident. At the same time I’m not so sure that the higher power (God) intended us to use organized religion as a means to structure our lives. You hear the term “faith” used often in a religious context. To me the notion of “faith” is just a convenient way to pass off questions we don’t have answers to. I can’t see God so how do I know He/She really exists? I didn’t witness the resurrection of Jesus Christ so how do I know it actually occurred? I never met any of the apostles personally so how can I trust that their stories are true? Just because organized religion has existed for over 2000 years how do we know it’s what we’re supposed to be doing? I know, I know – I don’t have any “faith” – literally or figuratively. So I figured it would be a good idea to have a debate with myself on this issue.

Argument against organized religion:

Some sociologists believe that religion is a man made convention created to provide human beings with the necessary belief that our lives have purpose. Others say it was created as a defense mechanism to ease our fears about death and the afterlife. Some even go so far as to suggest that religion is a lie told to placate the masses. Karl Marx once stated: “Religion is the opium of the people.” Marx, Freud, and Feuerbach have provided some of the more famous social commentary on religion. While they didn’t agree on all points they concurred in the belief that organized religion is nothing more than a tool used to keep the public in line and on target with the greater goals of the aristocracy. Regardless of the source the point is the same. Religion has no basis in reality and is instead the creation of faith out of myth for the purpose of population control.

Furthermore the dangers of blind religious faith at the expense of logic and reason have been well documented throughout history: the Crusades, the European Conquest of North America, the Inquisition, the 17th Century “Wars of Religion,” and the numerous attacks on scientific advancement (Galileo’s persecution along with countless other barriers to scientific inquiry during the Enlightenment) are just a few examples. More recently look no further than the violent fundamentalist actions of Muslim extremists and the rampant intolerance and human rights violations which stem from Islamic Sharia Law, for proof that organized religion has no place in modern society. The cause of every major war throughout history can also be traced back to a religious conflict or conflicts. God may have had a plan for us but it certainly didn’t entail killing each other in the name of organized religion.

Conclusion: For all these reasons and many more organized religion is bad for humanity. As James Madison once stated: “Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise, every expanded prospect.”

Argument in favor of organized religion:

Numerous religious organizations throughout the world make positive contributions to society on a daily basis. Throughout most of recorded history for example, the main protector of much of the rich cultural heritage of the West has been the Christian Church. The Church can also be credited with preserving the artwork of Michelangelo, bringing together the writings of The Bible (arguably the greatest single literary achievement ever), and the storage and preservation of almost two thousand years of history. The Church financed the exploration and discovery of the New World, supported the abolition of slavery, and has consistently stood up for human rights throughout the world. Not only does religious belief have a legitimate place in life, but organized religious belief has a legitimate place in organized society.

Beyond organized religion’s positive contributions throughout history, religious advocates argue that religion is paramount to any just and moral society. George Washington once stated: “Let us with caution indulge the supposition that morality can be maintained without religion. Reason and experience both forbid us to expect that national morality can prevail in exclusion of religious principle.” What he meant is that human beings are born sinners and without organized religion to help keep us on the righteous path we could easily revert to a life devoid of purpose and value. It makes perfect sense if you really think about it. If we were not accountable to some higher power (God) why would we not choose to live a life full of simple pleasures and self-indulgence without regard to our fellow man? In this regard religion is a necessity to maintain morality.

Faith is also an important source of strength and inspiration in the lives of most believers. "God is our refuge and our strength, an ever-present help in trouble."- Pslams 46:1 That being the case even if religion is a lie, if it makes people feel better about themselves and what lies ahead, how can it possibly be considered a bad thing? Furthermore without religion how are we supposed to process the concept of death? It’s far too depressing to think that when we die we simply flicker out like a candle then spend the rest of eternity rotting in the ground. I have absolutely no idea if death is truly the end of our journey or simply the beginning of a new, better one. But I personally choose to believe in the latter, otherwise what’s the point of life at all? So apparently I do have faith in something.

Conclusion: For all these reasons and many more organized religion is good for humanity. As Thomas Merton once stated: “By reading the scriptures I am so renewed that all nature seems renewed around me and with me. The sky seems to be a pure, a cooler blue, the trees a deeper green. The whole world is charged with the glory of God and I feel fire and music under my feet.”

And the winner is?

Anyone who has found peace in what they do or don’t believe in so long as what they do or don’t believe affords tolerance and understanding to all those with differing beliefs. As Frederick the Great once stated: “All religions must be tolerated... for... every man must get to heaven his own way.”

The Dalai Lama might have put it best when he said: “Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness and compassion.” So on this Thanksgiving Day, 2010, love thyself and love thy neighbor. Love is the only way.


The Quinsey Blog

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Deep Thoughts From The Jersey Shore

Okay, so I finally watched Jersey Shore for the first time. I know – where have I been for the past 2 years, right? I’m not a big fan of reality television but it was on at the gym while I pedaled on my stationary bike so I decided why not give it a watch and see what all the buzz is about. Plus ESPN was running a story on the WNBA so what the hell else was I gonna do? In a word, WOW. I was a little distracted checking e-mail and playing scrabble on my phone but as best I could tell Jersey Shore is a documentary (I use the term loosely) about a group of over-tanned, sex-crazed narcissists who live together in a house in Miami even though they’re all from New Jersey. Judging from their lifestyles I’m guessing they’re all twenty-somethings but a couple of the guys might be north of thirty. They all have bad Jersey accents and work in a t-shirt shop except for the dude with magic shell hair (DJ Pauly D) who is obviously a DJ (good detective work on my part). While they’re not working at the t-shirt shop or being a DJ the guys appear to spend their time lifting weights and whitening their teeth while the ladies spend the majority of their time getting ready to go out clubbing. Oh yeah and they’re all alcoholics and I suspect one of them (Snooki) might also be slightly retarded. Have I nailed down the general plot line? The cast includes an annoying bitch who never shuts up (Angelina), a lovable slut whose boobs somehow defy every law of gravity (J-WOWW), a muscle head who apparently doesn’t own a shirt (Ronnie), a miserable tease who passes herself off as a sweetheart (Sammi), a douche bag who loves to refer to himself in the third person (The Situation), a mama’s boy who has visibly gay tendencies (Vinny), and the aforementioned DJ Pauly D and Snooki. To call this show a train wreck would be an insult to train wrecks everywhere. What immediately struck me was the (for lack of a better term) rampant incest amongst the cast members. J-WOWW claims to have a steady boyfriend yet hooked up with DJ Pauly D in the episode I watched. The Situation seems to have a thing for Sammi but I watched Sammi hook up with Ronnie while Vinny watched. Meanwhile at the club they all ended up groping on themselves, each other, and multiple other random participants. Then back at the house the party continued as everyone hooked up with someone (hard to say exactly who was grinding on who as the cast members all creepily resemble one another) except for poor Snooki who tried to hook up with some dude but instead got thrown up on (I would sincerely hate to be around on laundry day in that festering cesspool they call a house). Did I mention everyone on the show is an alcoholic?

As I watched in disbelief I wondered to myself how this pathetic show could have possibly remained on the air for over two years (with a third season in the works), and how these vacuous lowlifes could possibly be considered celebrities? Then I remembered Joseph Conrad’s character Marlow from Heart of Darkness and what he referred to as “fascination of the abomination,” and it all made perfect sense. Human beings are fundamentally flawed creatures. As such we are drawn toward destruction, debauchery, and generally abhorrent things. Don’t agree with this statement? Think about it a little more. When driving by a car accident why is it nearly impossible to look away from the carnage? And when walking by a crime scene closed off by yellow police tape why are we so damn curious to find out what happened? And after a natural disaster (earthquake, hurricane, tsunami, etc.) why are we compelled to tune in and watch media coverage of the tragic event? And what about when we find out about a friend’s infidelity or adultery, why are we so anxious to hear all the juicy details? As I see it the fascination with Jersey Shore is really no different than any of these things. By watching people who are so utterly shallow, loathsome, and completely devoid of moral values we can’t help but feel better about ourselves and our own lives flawed as they may be. Snooki, The Situation, and the rest of their bronzed cronies might as well be victims of a car accident, a crime scene, or a natural disaster because they’d literally serve the same purpose as they do now. And there you have it – life imitating art imitating life through those douches on The Jersey Shore. I bet you never knew the producers on MTV were so deep (and I’m sure they didn’t either).

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

When Did Politics Get So F*cked Up?

I recently had the opportunity to spend some time with a high profile politician at an intimate gathering in a neighbor’s home. Out of respect for the organizer I will not refer to the politician by name. The purpose of the get together was to have an intelligent political conversation over wine and appetizers. The crowd was largely (okay entirely with the exception of one person - my wife) Republican so the political conversation I expected turned out to be more of a gratuitous ass-kissing session than anything else. It quickly became apparent that said politician is a very intelligent person. It also became apparent that they’re completely in love with the sound of their own voice. A wise person once told me “never assume you’re the smartest person in the room” - advice this politician has clearly never heard or chooses to ignore. Don’t get me wrong, they said all the right things. They acknowledged that America is in serious trouble and that it will take sacrifices from everyone to get us back on track. They stressed the importance of job creation, of education, and of building a new generation of independent citizens who don’t rely so heavily upon the government. I couldn’t agree more on all fronts. They also spoke of their public feud with Nancy Pelosi, which I appreciated considering how much I detest Nancy Pelosi and everything she stands for. When I finally got the chance to speak with this politician one on one and ask them a real political question however (as opposed to the grapefruits the rest of the crowd was lobbing over the plate), I was very disappointed in their response. They literally looked right through me, gave a generic and equally ambiguous answer, then abruptly walked away to talk with someone else. My question was about the Tea Party and the negative shadow it’s casting on the Republican Party as a whole, but that’s not even the important part. Their terse, uninspired response wasn’t the important part either. What really struck me more than anything else was how easily they passed me off. I’m not sure if it was my age (I was one of just a handful of Gen X'ers in the crowd) or because they weren’t interested in having a serious political conversation with a political nobody, but it was evident they couldn’t get away from me fast enough. The gathering ended with a calculated dissertation on how they planned to make America great again insinuating a presidential run in 2012, assuming they could garner enough support from the very crowd they pandered to, which of course prompted another round of shameless ass-kissing. But back to my point – when I interacted with this politician it was like I wasn’t even there. Which is a great illustration of why I’ve grown so damn apathetic towards politicians and politics as a whole.

I’m only picking on this particular politician because they are after all the inspiration for this post, but they’re really no different than any other politician out there. Bottom line people will say whatever it takes to get elected and once elected will rarely deliver on the promises they made to the voting public during their campaigns. The promises they made to the special interest groups who funded their campaigns are a different story however. The latter promises are the ones made behind closed doors that you and I never hear about, and the ones that will always take precedent over the former. Therefore under the current system we have absolutely no way of knowing when a politician is being sincere and when a politician is completely full of shit. As proven by my experience at my neighbor’s gathering politicians don’t really want to get to know the people they “serve”, so how are we ever supposed to get to know them?

Smart guys and gals in expensive suits speaking in metaphors and ideologies extrapolated from the empirical data gathered by their entourage of political researchers and staffers. What’s the one thing they all have in common? Is it their love for America and its fine citizens, for the beliefs and traditions that this great nation were built upon? Yeah, right. Try an unflappable love for themselves, their careers, and above all else a paramount need to be the center of attention. I’m sure there are one or two honest politicians left in Washington who are there to serve the people, but the rest of those philandering narcissists are in it for one reason and one reason only, to serve themselves. Everyone’s heard the saying “absolute power corrupts absolutely”, and this statement couldn’t be more true than in politics. Take Rod Blagojevich for example. As the Governor of Illinois he tried to “sell” Obama’s vacated senate seat to the highest bidder and got caught red-handed doing it. We only found out about this incident because one of his aides was a snitch. Just think about all the shady political deals taking place every day that the public never hears about. If Nancy Pelosi was able to fund a private jet using public money who knows what other shenanigans she’s been up to over the last thirty years of her political career? Our nation continues to fall further into debt (13 trillion at the moment and growing) yet politicians continue to abuse the system for their own personal gain. And the experts wonder why voter turnout continues to shrink every year.

How about the political debates set up by the “unbiased” media to help voters figure out where the candidates stand on the issues? Please, what the hell are we supposed to learn from canned questions from high profile mediators that the candidates have already memorized responses to? The content in those debates is about as genuine as the shit eating grin on any politicians face when shaking hands with a potential voter.

And don’t even get me started on negative campaigning. With all the mud throwing and finger pointing taking place these days it’s hard to know where a candidate even stands on the simplest of issues. I liken it to a fat guy pointing out how ugly his opponent is to detract from the fact that he’s a disgusting lard ball. So then all we’ve learned at the end of the campaign is that one of the candidates is ugly while the other is fat. How’s that going to help us figure out who to vote for?
I’ve gotten to the point where I no longer consider myself a Republican or a Democrat. I simply consider myself a person who’s fed up with all the bullshit. Clearly the system is broken and until it’s fixed I for one will continue to practice political abstinence (or at least I’ll be sure to wear a condom when I vote).

To summarize my rant I see the following problems with politics today (among other things):

1) Current campaign financing laws allow special interest groups to buy a candidate’s allegiance.

2) Voters have no way to ascertain a candidate’s true character because under the current system candidates and their respective parties are able to manipulate public perception by picking and choosing what gets filtered through the media and how it’s delivered.

3) Too much media exposure has resulted in high profile politicians behaving like over-indulged celebrities.

4) A lack of checks and balances has allowed elected officials to abuse their office for personal gain.

5) Negative campaigning confuses voters (at least those who lack the intelligence to see through it which is, let’s face it, most of America) and blurs where candidates stand on the issues.

The solution? I certainly don’t have all the answers and the ideas I’m about to propose probably aren’t even feasible for a number of reasons. That being said the best beginning to any solution is acknowledging there’s a problem in the first place, so here’s a first pass at some pragmatic solutions to cut through the crap:

1) Eliminate campaigning altogether. No campaign financing = no allegiance to the special interest groups. Go old school – have candidates write a college admissions style paper describing themselves, their beliefs, their philosophies, their hopes and dreams, and why they got into politics in the first place. Publish them on the web for all to see. Then have various town hall meetings across the country where actual voters ask unscripted questions and the candidates must respond on their feet. Outside of these activities outlaw any form of campaigning through the media across the board (no commercials, no radio spots, no social networking, etc.). If a candidate wants to go door to door to shake hands and spread their message more power to em. In order to eliminate an unfair advantage for wealthy candidates (a la Meg Whitman) make it illegal to spend any personal funds on campaigning as well (no paid staffers to go door to door for you, no billboard messages, no bumper stickers, no printed lawn signs, etc.). I know I’m over simplifying here but it seems like an easy solution to cut out tons of bullshit (negative campaigning) and wasteful spending. And perhaps the hundreds of millions of dollars saved in campaign financing could be used to help stimulate our feeble economy (two birds, one stone).

2) Cut down on media exposure for all elected officials. Granted, the president will still have to make TV appearances but eliminate media coverage for every other elected office on a national, state, and local level. If they’re not on TV they won’t feel like movies stars and then perhaps they’ll stop behaving that way. Plus when you take fame off the table you’ll probably start to weed out a majority of the candidates who get into politics for all the wrong reasons in the first place. And a side benefit - without public exposure for politicians guys like Bill O’Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, and James Carville will have no reason to pollute the airwaves.

3) Establish a better system of checks and balances to prevent politicians from abusing their office for personal gain. Create ultimate transparency by publishing every decision an elected official makes on the web for all to see. If they can’t defend or stand behind each of their actions they clearly won’t be comfortable having them published on the web, and they will have no choice but to do the right thing and act in the best interests of the public. Otherwise they’ll be exposed on the spot and forced to resign (without the time and expense involved in an investigation or trial).

Politicians would have us believe that the issues and problems they face on a daily basis are complex and unwieldy. Perhaps if we address the fundamental problems that exist within the current political process with extremely simple solutions then the so-called complexity would go away. Something to think about on Election Day.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The 100th Post of the Quinsey Blog

100 posts and what have we learned other than that I love midgets and am disgusted by fat people? Almost two and a half years later after countless hours of research, writing, proof-reading, and revisions the following topics have been featured on the Quinsey Blog:

The commencement speech I would deliver at a graduation
The horrors of getting a man massage
The egregious misuse of “replying to all”
Over-zealous religion pimpers
Oprah Winfrey’s abnormal influence over people and their careers
Chris Blatchford’s excessive pausing
Ridiculous celebrity baby names
Characteristics of a tool
The establishment of a national stop the stupid registry
The irresponsibility of the US government
The San Diego sports curse
My hatred of TJ Simers
Why white people shouldn’t dance
The Last Lecture
George W.’s inexplicable ignorance
The importance of keeping the fun lamp lit
Why I love Al Davis
The Wall Street Bailout
OJ Simpson’s legal troubles
AIG’s fleecing of the tax payers
Prop 8
Tony Kornheiser and his need to be fired
McCain’s resemblance to Howdy Doody
Partisan politics
Lance Armstrong and the Tour De France
San Diego Padres management
Guns, alcohol, and off-duty cops
Nebraska’s safe haven loophole
The Big Three’s visit to Washington
A Walmart employee trampled to death on black Friday
Rod Blagojevich and his crookery
The Duggars and their baby factory
A look back on 2008
The world through the eyes of a douche
Real Chance of Love’s revelation moment
Boy George’s sex scandal
A potential father of the year candidate
Jib Jab videos and Christmas letters
The realities of a down economy
The legalization of marijuana
The Octomom
Dancing with the Stars
British and French nuclear submarines
Winston Churchill and his awesomeness
China’s harassment of a US vessel
Alex Rodriguez and his lack of judgment
A polar bear attack at the Berlin zoo
Nancy Pelosi (aka Satan)
My love of midgets
Reflections on Memorial Day
Foreign relations advice for President Obama
My Heart of Darkness book report gaffe
The fan riots in LA
Reverse racism
The deification of Michael Jackson
Global warming
Ambien CR
Characteristics of a soccer tool
Kenny MacAskill and why he sucks
The Mike Duvall open mike incident
Kanye West’s inappropriate outbursts
Reasons why my wife thinks I’m an asshole
Tiger Woods’ sex scandal
Name those headlines
The Real Housewives of Orange County
The fattest woman on the planet
The inequities of the current tax code
SB 1070
Lindsey Lohan inspired words
The BP oil spill
Reasons to get your man card pulled
My love / hate affair with summer
2012 and the end of the world
Questions that keep me up at night
The Ladera Flasher
A man’s response to “23 Things Women Want”
The law of gravity
My love of Vegas
New lyrics for Blame It (On The Alcohol)
People who expect the government to solve their problems
Social networking
The death penalty

To call it a meandering assortment of subject matter would be an understatement. As “double rainbow guy” so profoundly beseeched in his infamous YouTube video: “What does it mean!?” Well, just like the "full double rainbow" I’m not sure exactly what it means but I do know what it represents. I love writing, I always have. What I didn’t realize until now is that other people actually enjoy reading what I write. My underlying goal with the Quinsey Blog has always been to educate while entertaining, to inform through humor and sarcasm, and mostly just to amuse. Though I haven’t always hit the mark on these objectives the overwhelming feedback I’ve received from this blog (both good and bad) has validated two things in my mind: 1) I can actually write, and 2) my voice has a place in the world. To that end I’ve decided to pursue writing as more than just a hobby. While I don’t plan on quitting my day job anytime soon I will now focus more of my efforts on works that are publishable (like the book I started writing 3+ years ago). When I’ve become a rich and famous author (you can stop laughing now) I’ll look back on this blog and more importantly the people who read it as the launching point. In closing I’ll leave you with a quote from Steve Jobs delivered during his 2005 commencement speech at Stanford University, which seems appropriate considering I started this blog with my own graduation commencement speech. I wrote it down several years ago but only now fully grasp its meaning.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most importantly, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become."

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Why Some People Need To Die

NEW HAVEN, Conn. — A paroled burglar was convicted Tuesday of killing a mother and her two daughters in a 2007 home invasion in an affluent Connecticut town and faces the possibility of being sentenced to death.

Steven Hayes, 47, was convicted of capital felony, murder, sexual assault and other counts by a jury that heard eight days of gruesome testimony about the July 2007 attacks on Jennifer Hawke-Petit and her daughters, 17-year-old Hayley and 11-year-old Michaela.

The sole survivor, Dr. William Petit, appeared to hold back tears as the verdict was read. His head down, he sucked in his bottom lip.

The verdict triggers a second phase of the trial, beginning Oct. 18, in which the same jurors will decide if Hayes should be executed or face life in prison.

Hayes' defense admitted his involvement in the fatal home invasion but blamed his co-defendant, Joshua Komisarjevsky, for being the aggressor. Komisarjevsky faces trial next year and also could be sentenced to death.

Komisarjevsky spotted the mother and her two daughters at a supermarket, followed them to their Cheshire home, then returned later with Hayes, authorities say.

The men broke into the Petit house in the New Haven suburb of Cheshire, beat William Petit with a baseball bat and forced Hawke-Petit to withdraw money from a bank before raping and strangling her, according to testimony. The men, both paroled burglars who met at a halfway house, tied the girls to their beds, put pillow cases over their heads and poured gas on or around them before setting the house on fire, authorities say.

The girls died of smoke inhalation. Authorities say the men were caught fleeing the scene.

How can you read about a heinous crime like this and not be in favor of the death penalty? Below are a few of the arguments I collected from those who oppose it:

1) A government's act to execute is a violation of human rights, especially if there remains a possibility that the individual is innocent.

2) The high reversal rate in death penalty cases illustrates the fallibility of the criminal justice process. Therefore the risk of executing an innocent person is too great to justify executing anyone.

3) The death penalty doesn’t make sense for economic reasons as the costs of trial and appeals for a capital case are far greater than would be the case if the death penalty were not sought.

4) The United States is out of step with other industrialized countries in its practice of the death penalty. The only other OECD country which permits the death penalty is Japan, and executions there are infrequent.

My response to each of these arguments? Complete bullshit.

1) I couldn’t care less about a murdering rapist’s human rights. I give them the same regard that the murdering rapists gave to their victims.

2) With modern DNA technology it’s almost impossible to convict an innocent person. The only cases being overturned are those from the past when DNA technology was in its infancy.

3) I don’t care how much it costs to fry a monster. Can you put a price on the lives they destroyed with their deplorable acts?

4) Since the days of the Declaration of Independence the United States has never been a country of followers. Why start now?

In other words you’d have to be a complete fucking moron to oppose the death penalty across the board. Certainly there are exceptions to the rule (crimes committed by the mentally retarded perhaps) but if you ask me the death penalty isn’t over used, it isn’t used enough. Think about all the stories you hear on the news about paroled sex offenders who strike again once released from prison (the Chelsea King case in San Diego comes to mind). Do you know why you hear these stories so often? Because rehabilitation doesn’t work, that’s why. Sick fucks like Steven Hayes and Joshua Komisarjevsky don’t need to be fixed. They couldn’t be fixed even if they wanted to be. The evil gene is so deeply entrenched in their DNA that there’s simply no getting it out. How else could you explain their disgustingly abhorrent behavior? They can’t be fixed so they need to be killed. I don’t see how it could be any clearer.

My thoughts and prayers go out to Dr. William Petit. No one should ever have to go through what you’ve gone through. The restraint and patience you’ve demonstrated since the rape and murder of your wife and children is astonishing. You are clearly a stronger man than I.

Friday, October 1, 2010

10 Random Questions on a Friday Afternoon

After the touchy feely post I wrote yesterday I felt compelled to go the other direction today. Enjoy.

1) Why do old people smell funny? Are they literally rotting on the inside like a carton of milk past its expiration date? If that’s the case why do they always migrate to cities with warm climates? Don’t they know what happens to milk left out in the sun?

2) Am I the only one who feels like a complete idiot carrying a bag of my dog’s shit on our walks? After he’s done his business and I’ve picked it up I can’t find a trash can soon enough. I see people all the time swinging it around like a tennis racket or a handbag. That’s a bag shit people – not a basket of lollipops.

3) Have you ever noticed how Buzz Aldrin always seems pissed off? Do you suppose he’s still bitter about being the 2nd man on the moon? Can’t be easy playing the role of 2nd fiddle bitch to Neil Armstrong. Just ask Eli what it’s like to be Peyton’s brother?

4) What’s with all the aggressive sales people at mall kiosks these days? Back off Sa'id – I already told you I don’t need any fancy hand lotion and my wife’s not interested in your Euro hair straightening contraption.

5) Why do you always see old couples at restaurants who can go through an entire meal without saying one word to each other? After a certain amount of time being married do people just run out of things to talk about?

6) Why the hell would you ever ask a man what he’s feeling? Would you ask a retarded person what they’re thinking? Can’t take credit for this one – it’s the brain child of the dudes who wrote “Look At My Striped Shirt!”

7) Why do you see so many young, hot chicks with old, ugly, fat guys? Aren’t there more important things in life than money? Just the other day while I was in the airport I saw this attractive young woman holding hands with one of the oldest, ugliest, fattest dudes I’ve ever seen. I was tempted to slip her note that said “Have you been kidnapped? Do you need me to call the police?”

8) Is the anticipation of a vacation sometimes better than the vacation itself? Would this paradigm shift if they banned fat people from beaches?

9) Would Mormons have a higher conversion rate if missionaries looked cooler? Wearing a white, short sleeved dress shirt with a tie while riding a bicycle is like wearing a big sign around your neck that says: “I’m a huge douche - please kick my ass.”

10) How come the North Korean army does the same creepy, straight-legged march as the German Nazis? Is that something they teach at communist school? Don’t they know they could get their faster if they bent their knees?

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Social Networking: A Blessing Or A Curse?

I joined Facebook about a year ago and have really enjoyed reconnecting with old friends from the past. It’s great to see how their lives have turned out, what they do for a living, what their families look like, etc. In some cases I’ve even learned things about people (through reading their profiles) that I never knew about them when we were friends in real life. Had I known these things back then perhaps our relationships might have even turned out differently. If you think about it in these terms Facebook actually brings you closer to the people from your past. What concerns me is Facebook’s (and other social networking sites’) impact on the present. Just the other day it struck me that perhaps I’ve started to enjoy my “Facebook friends” even more than my real life friends. A disturbing sentiment yes, but it makes perfect sense if you really think about it. Consider how low maintenance your Facebook friends are compared to their real life counterparts. You never need to call them on the phone, or send them an e-mail, or shoot them a text to see how they’re doing. A simple “like” in response to their status update and you’ve made their day. You never need to give them a ride to the airport, or help them move, or collect their mail while they’re out of town. Jot a quick Happy Birthday message on their wall once a year and that’s proof enough how much you care. In the Facebook world you can go for weeks or even months without ever even acknowledging someone and your “friendship” is as strong as ever. And what about those instances where the drama gets to be too much or a friendship starts to feel like more trouble than it’s worth? Maybe it’s even as simple as somebody’s posting too much or sharing too many strong opinions about religion and politics. Hit the “unfriend” button and poof – problem solved. All the benefits of a real friendship with none of the downside - like having a pet that you never need to feed or clean up after. Those geniuses at Facebook actually figured out a way to take reality and make it better. Or did they?

For all of its many benefits social networking is killing the human connection. Why sit face to face and converse live with one person at a time when you can sit behind a computer monitor in your pajamas and communicate simultaneously with the masses via mouse clicks, status updates, tweets, etc? Why put yourself out there in the flesh, flaws exposed, when you can use technology to manipulate how other people see you? Why even bother to deal with the ugliness of reality at all when you can lead a relatively satisfying, ugly-free cyber-life instead? I think the answer to these questions depends on the answer to a larger question. What are you looking for in the relationships in your life? If you really want to experience other people and get to know their true essence there’s no substitute for spending time with them face to face, conversing with them over a cup of coffee or a cocktail, smiling at them and looking them straight in the eyes, or giving them a hug and feeling their warmth. When you rely on social networking for communication you never get more than a sanitized, pseudo-reality version of people, which in most cases is probably for the best. Just imagine all the bad things that could happen if your Facebook world suddenly collided with your real life world? There’s probably a good reason you lost touch with most of those people in the first place. On the flip side if someone is truly important to you or truly worth getting to know better, be sure to make time for them in the real world. At the end of the day your life will be made up of a series of moments and the people you shared them with. Choose those people carefully and once chosen be sure to invest personally in the relationships. Giving this advice is in no way an inference that I’m the greatest friend out there (I’m not) and it certainly doesn’t mean I’m going to shut down my Facebook account any time soon (that’s crazy talk). Writing stuff down is simply a cheaper form of therapy and it sometimes helps to keep me on track. In summary (I know - I’m starting to sound like Dr. Phil - I'll shut up soon) I think social networking can be a good thing but only in small doses and only if it doesn’t take away from the time and effort you put into your real life relationships.

Who knew I could write an entire post without sarcasm, cynicism, or profanity? Fuckin’ A.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

CHANGE... your perspective

Yesterday President Obama attended a jobs forum and fielded questions from disappointed supporters. First off I thought it took real guts for the President to put himself out there like that so kudos to Mr. Obama for answering some really tough questions and being accountable to the very people who helped vote him into office. As for the job he’s doing as President of the most powerful nation in the free world (allegedly), not so much. That aside one woman’s question in particular really struck me. Below is the transcript of her question/s with the President’s response/s, followed by my commentary (of course).

Q Thank you very much and, quite frankly, good afternoon, President Obama. I am deeply honored to finally be in this forum, and so grateful for CNBC making the forum available so that you can speak to American citizens just like myself.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, thank you.

Q I am a chief financial officer for a veterans service organization, AmVets here in Washington. I'm also a mother, I'm a wife, I'm an American veteran, and I'm one of your middle-class Americans. And quite frankly, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted of defending you, defending your administration, defending the mantle of change that I voted for --


Q -- and deeply disappointed with where we are right now.
I have been told that I voted for a man who said he was going to change things in a meaningful way for the middle class. I'm one of those people, and I'm waiting, sir. I'm waiting. I don't feel it yet. And I thought, while it wouldn't be in great measure, I would feel it in some small measure.
I have two children in private school. And the financial recession has taken an enormous toll on my family. My husband and I joked for years that we thought we were well beyond the hot dogs and beans era of our lives.


Q But quite frankly, it's starting to knock on our door and ring true that that might be where we're headed again. And quite frankly, Mr. President, I need you to answer this honestly, is this my new reality?

THE PRESIDENT: Well, first of all, I think that you describe exactly what is the bedrock of America -- a veteran who's working for veterans, somebody who is a CFO and I am sure knows how to manage their money, have made good decisions.

Q Sometimes. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: I'm not saying once in a while you don't want to get a new pair of shoes. (Laughter.)

Q Today. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: So the life you describe -- one of responsibility, looking after your family, contributing back to your community -- that's what we want to reward.
Now, as I said before, times are tough for everybody right now, so I understand your frustration. But I would just -- when you say there are things that you'd like to see happen or you're hoping to see happen that haven't happened yet, let me just give you a couple of examples.
I right now have two children -- it sounds like you've got kids, as well.

Q Two girls.

THE PRESIDENT: Two girls. You're going to be thinking about college soon.

Q Next year.

THE PRESIDENT: Okay. Now part of what we did over the last year and a half is to make sure that billions of dollars that were going to subsidize financial service industries under the federal student loan programs are now going to be going directly to students so that millions more students are going to be able to get loans and grants and scholarships to go to college. Now, that's going to have an impact on a whole bunch of kids out there, including maybe yours.
If you have a credit card, which I assume, you do --

Q No.

THE PRESIDENT: Well, see, now you're really -- now you've shown how responsible you are. (Laughter.) But if you have a mortgage or a credit card or any kind of financial dealings out there, as a consequence of the changes we made, the credit card companies can't increase your interest rate without notifying you, and they can't increase your interest rate on your previous balances. In terms of getting a mortgage, they -- you can't have a mortgage broker steer you to a mortgage that ultimately is going to cost you more money, because maybe they're getting a financial incentive to do so. Those things are now against the law. So there are a whole host of protections in there.
You are a parent who has children -- if your child, heaven forbid, had a preexisting condition, before I took office, you were out of luck in terms of being able to get health insurance for that child. Now, insurance companies have to give you health insurance for that child, and by the way, that health insurance can't drop you if you get sick.
So there are a whole host of things that we've put in place that do make your life better. But the bottom line is if your 401(K) is still down substantially from where it was a while back, if you haven't seen a raise in a long time, if your home value went down --

Q Keep going. (Laughter.)

THE PRESIDENT: -- depending on where you live, all those things still make you feel like, gosh, I'm treading water.

Q Still struggling -- that's right.

THE PRESIDENT: And so my goal here is not to try to convince you that everything is where it needs to be. It's not. That's why I ran for President. But what I am saying is, is that we're moving in the right direction. And if we are able to keep our eye on our long-term goal -- which is making sure that every family out there, if they're middle class, that they can pay their bills, have the security of health insurance, retire with dignity and respect, send their kids to college; if they're not yet in the middle class, that there are ladders there to get into the middle class, if people work hard and get an education to apply themselves -- that's our goal. That's the America we believe in. And I think that we are on track to be able to do that.

My commentary:

A really tough question from one of his own constituents – I liked that (but I didn’t like where the question was coming from – see paragraphs 2 & 3 below). The President’s response? Mostly lip service. Almost two years in office and his administration has delivered the following: more student loan money for college tuition, the elimination of exorbitant rates on credit cards and mortgages, and health insurance for people with pre-existing conditions. All nice things but hardly the “CHANGE” everyone was “HOPING” for, am I right? I’d be curious to know how many frequent flier miles he’s racked up on his numerous exotic vacations and how many strokes he’s shaved off his handicap over that same time period? Whatever – history shows us that people will say whatever it takes to get elected, and that once elected will rarely deliver on the promises made during their campaigns. I get it. The United States government is a large and unwieldy beast. Even if you’re the President it’s not easy to get shit done. When I voted for Obama (gulp - my fellow Republicans will have a heyday with this information) I didn’t expect him to solve all of our country’s problems overnight or at all. Honestly all I really expected was for him to not fuck things up as much as McCain would have. Was I right? The jury’s still out on that one. I digress…

The point I’m trying to get to is that the problem with the United States today isn’t so much that our government is all fucked up (it is) or that the person in charge isn't working hard enough (he’s not), but rather that there are too many citizens (like the woman who questioned President Obama above) who feel sorry for themselves in the face of adversity and expect the government to make things better. Your 401K’s down significantly from where it was a few years ago? Bummer. You haven’t had a raise in 4 years or worse yet your income has actually decreased over that span? That sucks. Your home’s worth just a fraction of what it was a few years back? Join the club, lady. These problems are only affecting about oh 99% of the U.S. population so pardon me for not indulging in your personal pity party. Times are tough for everyone and there’s no guarantee things are going to get better any time soon (although economists recently announced that the recession was officially over as of last June - what, you didn’t get the memo either?). Amidst all of this economic uncertainty there is one undeniable truth I can guarantee however – expecting the U.S. government to fix your problems is about as futile as expecting Paris Hilton to stop doing drugs and making sex tapes. If you truly believe the government’s job is to take care of you and shield you from all the hurt in the world perhaps you should consider moving to China to join their robot army.

Otherwise stop feeling sorry for yourself and start proactively working towards a solution to your problems. Cut back on the things that aren’t an absolute necessity, adjust your lifestyle according to your new reality, or go out and find a different job to make more money. This country was built on making sacrifices in order to achieve the greater good. Right now is no different. Rather than focusing on how great things were 4 years ago and how shitty they are today, instead focus on how great things can be again and then work your ass off towards getting there. I wouldn’t be giving this advice if I wasn’t affected by it myself. You’d be hard pressed to find anyone hit harder by the current recession, depression, or whatever the hell you want to call it, than me. 4 years ago I was in fat city. Today I’m clawing and scratching just to get by. It would be real easy to sit around with my head in my hands and wait for the government to make things better. Unfortunately that would be one hell of a long wait. Just like in any other situation wallowing in my own discontent would do nothing but exacerbate the problem and prolong the pain. Bad times are only temporary unless we allow them to persist. Don’t ask the President why things haven’t gotten any better. He has no fucking idea why. Instead go out and make things better for yourself. Work hard, keep a positive attitude, and deal with your issues one day at a time knowing that things will ultimately get better. This is America for Christ's sake. For hundreds of years people have rolled up onto our shores with nothing but the clothes on their backs and gone on to be wildly successful. The only change you really need is the change you enact within yourself. So stop fucking whining and start making shit happen. I’m stepping off of my soapbox now. Thanks for listening.

The Quinsey Blog

Friday, September 17, 2010

Advice for the Thick-Skinned

I’ve never understood the allure of advice columns. People anonymously posing questions to so-called “experts” with the hope that these experts can help lead them down the right path. And the experts in turn give advice that’s just generic and ambiguous enough to apply to the lives of all the people who read their column, not just the people posing questions. The whole thing seems pretty lame if you ask me. That being said I decided to try my hand at being an advice columnist. What follows is a recent column from “Dear Abby” (arguably the most famous advice column in existence) with her actual responses to (3) reader’s questions followed by my responses in italics. I think that you’ll find my advice to be neither generic nor ambiguous. I haven’t quite settled on a name for my column but I’m thinking “Advice for the Thick-Skinned” might be appropriate. Enjoy.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, son and I live next door to my in-laws. My mother-in-law, "Hazel," has a set of keys to our house for emergency purposes. For some time she has been using the key to come and go as she pleases, "borrowing" food, dishes and toiletries when we're not home. When we discover the items missing, she usually confesses.

I am really irritated about it and have frequent fights with my husband over this and other privacy issues. How can I talk to Hazel in a way that won't hurt her feelings? She is very sensitive, and I don't know how to confront her since my husband refuses to do so. -- MISSING MY PRIVACY IN SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR MISSING: Try this: Take your mother-in-law to lunch and over a nice, leisurely meal say (slowly and quietly), "Hazel, honey, I have a problem I need your help with. (Breathe.) When you come into the house and take things without asking, it makes me feel violated. (Pause.) Do you think you could please refrain from doing that anymore? (Smile.) I'd really appreciate it."

And if any more items turn up missing, quietly change the locks.

DEAR MISSING: Here’s the deal. Your mother-in-law is clearly an evil woman and needs to be stopped. She doesn’t respect you or your belongings, and if your ball-less excuse for a husband refuses to stand up to “Mommy”, then you need to take matters into your own hands. Try this: Bake up a nice, big batch of her favorite dessert (“Hazel” sounds like a fat person’s name so I’m guessing she likes dessert). When you’re baking up the brownies, cookies, cakes, or whatever the bitch likes to eat most, add two large boxes of Ex-Lax to the recipe. After she’s ingested the Ex-Lax laden delicacies and subsequently emptied her bowels in a violent and painful manner, head over to her house for a little one-on-one time. Look her straight in the eyes and say: “Bitch, the next time you enter my house without asking I’m using poison instead of Ex-Lax.” I guarantee this will solve your problem immediately and she’ll never come over to your house again uninvited or otherwise. It might even get you a divorce from that spineless piece of shit you call a husband.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married soon and my father will be providing the alcohol for our reception. We plan to serve beer, wine and champagne for the toast. Because I will be wearing an ivory gown, I am opting to drink only champagne. I have a favorite brand, but because of our modest budget, Dad cannot provide it for everyone to drink.

I was going to buy a couple of bottles to have at our table for my wedding party, but Dad feels it would be in poor taste and thinks our guests may feel slighted in some way. My feeling is that it's our special day and people will understand. Am I wrong for wanting a nicer champagne than we can provide for our guests? -- BUBBLY BRIDE IN PISMO BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR BUBBLY: Let me put it this way -- if there is a chance that your guests would feel slighted if you get caught, then drink what they're drinking at the reception. Afterward, have a bottle of your preferred brand waiting in an ice bucket by your "wedding bed" so you can enjoy a special toast with your new husband.

DEAR BUBBLY: Go ahead and supply the wedding party with Dom Perignon and give the rest of your guests whatever cheap swill is on sale at Walmart. And while you’re at it why not serve Chateaubriand and lobster tails to the wedding party and give everyone else dog meat? Are you fucking serious? How selfish and self-centered are you, anyway? Maybe your guests should all give you crappy gifts with cards that read: “I would have bought you a nice gift but I couldn’t afford to get us both something nice so I decided to get something nice for myself and buy you this worthless piece of crap.” Note to Bubbly’s future husband – if you’re reading this get out while you still can – divorce is expensive and there’s no way you’ll end up staying married to this selfish bitch.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a high school freshman with a dilemma. I'm a good student and get A's in all my classes. I'm also an athlete. I play year-round softball and have started playing soccer for the high school team.
My problem is I took a debate class over the summer and really liked it. I want to join the debate team, but I am unsure if it would be piling too much on my plate for my first year.

I'll be carrying one honors class in addition to two above-grade-level classes. Debate practices are held after sports practices two days a week for one to two hours, so they wouldn't directly conflict with anything except homework time.
Do you think I'm overestimating how much I can handle in extracurricular activities this year? -- TOO AMBITIOUS? IN OREGON

DEAR TOO AMBITIOUS: The fact that this is causing you concern could be an indicator that it is too much. That's why before making up your mind you should discuss this with your parents as well as your guidance counselor at school.

DEAR TOO AMBITIOUS: Let me put it this way – who the fuck cares? You’re a freshman in high school so the things you choose to do in your life right now couldn’t matter any less. Experiment with recreational drugs, get an asshole boyfriend who makes you feel fat, and dream the big dreams that will inevitably be squashed out soon after you enter the festering, soul-crushing pit known as the real world. Trust me, any perceived “dilemmas” you’re facing now are nothing compared to the whoppers you’ll face in your twenties and thirties. Any other questions?

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Blame It...

Blame it (On The Alcohol)

Blame it on the goose
Got you feeling loose
Blame it on Patron
Got you in the zone
Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol
Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol

Blame it on the vodka
Blame it on the henny
Blame it on the blue top
Got you feeling dizzy
Blame it on the a a a a a alcohol
Blame it on the a a a a a a alcohol

Every time I hear this damn song I can’t get it out of my head. Sometimes when nobody else is in the room I’ll even bust out my own white boy rendition of the song complete with dance moves (picture the fat kid on YouTube doing the light saber routine – yeah, I look just about that ridiculous). Thanks a lot Jamie Foxx and T-Pain (whoever the fuck you are). The last time I heard it however, it got me thinking. Sure - the song is literally about getting drunk, having random sex with strangers, and then blaming it on the booze (I was over-served damn it). But in a broader sense it can also be viewed as a figurative statement about today’s society as a whole. For at some point in time people stopped taking personal responsibility for their actions and started blaming others for their problems. Maybe it’s the down economy, maybe it’s the fabricated notion of the earth’s eroding atmosphere, or maybe it’s the fact that the world is coming to an abrupt end in just over 27 months (allegedly). Regardless of the cause of this ‘woe is me / I’m the victim’ movement, it’s really starting to piss me off. That being said I decided to have a little fun with the chorus and apply it to some other situations where people blame external sources for their own internal (self-generated) problems.

Version 1: Blame It (On The Government)

I ain’t got no job
I ain’t got no money
Healthcare’s too expensive
Man this shit ain’t funny
Blame it on the g g g g g government
Blame it on the g g g g g g government

Blame it on Barack
Blame it on Pelosi
Blame it on the Dems
But on the GOP mostly
Blame it on the g g g g g government
Blame it on the g g g g g g government

Version 2: Blame It (On The Mexicans)

Schools are over crowded
Wellfare system’s taxed
Everybody’s speakin Spanish
Como se dice this is wack
Blame it on the M M M M M Mexicans
Blame it on the M M M M M M Mexicans

Blame it on Juanita
Blame it on Jose
Don’t blame it on Cheech Marin
He was born in East LA
Blame it on the M M M M M Mexicans
Blame it on the M M M M M M Mexicans

Version 3: Blame It (On The Internet)

At my desk all day
Can’t get nothin done
Hard to pay my bills
Boss thinks I’m a bum
Blame it on the i i i i i internet
Blame it on the i i i i i i internet

Blame it on the Facebook
When my pay gets docked
Blame it on the porn sites
Unless that shit gets blocked
Blame it on the i i i i i internet
Blame it on the i i i i i i internet

Bet you didn't know I could rap. Word.