Monday, February 22, 2010

Tiger Woods Press Conference - What He Said & What He Meant

Haven’t had much time for blogging lately but this was one gem I just couldn’t let slip by. Below is the transcript from the recent Tiger Woods press conference with my translation of what he really meant in italics. Enjoy.

Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me or you've worked with me or you've supported me.

Translation: I have no real friends because I’m a narcissistic, self-centered tool bag, but I had to invite somebody to this circus so I invited you: a random collection of gravy-trainers, hanger-ons, entourage wanna-be’s, and various other miscreants who wish to make a buck off my name.

Now every one of you has good reason to be critical of me. I want to say to each of you, simply and directly, I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior I engaged in.

Translation: I’m sorry I got caught.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife, Elin, and to my children. And while I have always tried to be a private person, there are some things I want to say.

Translation: Get ready for the copious amount of bull crap that’s about to spill out of my mouth.

Elin and I have started the process of discussing the damage caused by my behavior. As Elin pointed out to me, my real apology to her will not come in the form of words; it will come from my behavior over time. We have a lot to discuss; however, what we say to each other will remain between the two of us.

Translation: If Elin and I have sex with each other anytime in the next year it will be a bigger shock than me missing the cut at the Masters considering every time I try to speak she grabs a golf club and threatens to go Al Capone on my ass… again.

I am also aware of the pain my behavior has caused to those of you in this room. I have let you down, and I have let down my fans. For many of you, especially my friends, my behavior has been a personal disappointment. To those of you who work for me, I have let you down personally and professionally. My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners.

Translation: The gravy train has pulled into the station.

To everyone involved in my foundation, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors and most importantly, the young students we reach, our work is more important than ever. Thirteen years ago, my dad and I envisioned helping young people achieve their dreams through education. This work remains unchanged and will continue to grow. From the Learning Center students in Southern California to the Earl Woods scholars in Washington, D.C., millions of kids have changed their lives, and I am dedicated to making sure that continues.

Translation: I will do my best to stop ogling the hot, young talent I started these foundations for in the first place… but no guarantees.

But still, I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you. I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did. I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position. For all that I have done, I am so sorry.

Translation: Sorry I got caught.

I have a lot to atone for, but there is one issue I really want to discuss. Some people have speculated that Elin somehow hurt or attacked me on Thanksgiving night. It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that. Elin never hit me that night or any other night. There has never been an episode of domestic violence in our marriage, ever. Elin has shown enormous grace and poise throughout this ordeal. Elin deserves praise, not blame.

Translation: If I don’t say this Elin will beat the shit out of me again the minute I walk through the front door. Seriously – she just texted me.

The issue involved here was my repeated irresponsible behavior. I was unfaithful. I had affairs. I cheated. What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

Translation: But hot damn, that sure was some good strange.

I stopped living by the core values that I was taught to believe in. I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that normal rules didn't apply. I never thought about who I was hurting. Instead, I thought only about myself. I ran straight through the boundaries that a married couple should live by. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt that I had worked hard my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I felt I was entitled. Thanks to money and fame, I didn't have to go far to find them.

Translation: When you’re rich and famous like me the hot ass is on tap. So what did I do? I tapped that hot ass. Any other questions?

I was wrong. I was foolish. I don't get to play by different rules. The same boundaries that apply to everyone apply to me. I brought this shame on myself. I hurt my wife, my kids, my mother, my wife's family, my friends, my foundation and kids all around the world who admired me.

Translation: Can I have my sponsor money back now? Huge mansions all over the world don’t pay for themselves you know.

I've had a lot of time to think about what I've done. My failures have made me look at myself in a way I never wanted to before. It's now up to me to make amends and that starts by never repeating the mistakes I've made. It's up to me to start living a life of integrity.

Translation: Blah blah blah blah, that chick sitting behind my mom sure has a nice rack. I wonder if she works for me? Mom – move your head – I think her high beams just came on.

I once heard, and I believe it's true, it's not what you achieve in life that matters; it's what you overcome. Achievements on the golf course are only part of setting an example. Character and decency are what really count.

Translation: If you’re buying any of this shit I should get an Emmy, seriously.

Parents used to point to me as a role model for their kids. I owe all those families a special apology. I want to say to them that I am truly sorry.

Translation: If you have a hot daughter who’s over the age of 18, scratch that 16, send her over to my place and I’ll show her just how sorry I truly am, if you know what I mean (wink wink).

It's hard to admit that I need help, but I do. For 45 days from the end of December to early February, I was in inpatient therapy receiving guidance for the issues I'm facing. I have a long way to go. But I've taken my first steps in the right direction.

Translation: Paying for hand jobs at the “rub and tug” massage parlor isn’t technically cheating, right?

As I proceed, I understand people have questions. I understand the press wants to ask me for the details and the times I was unfaithful. I understand people want to know whether Elin and I will remain together. Please know that as far as I'm concerned, every one of these questions and answers is a matter between Elin and me. These are issues between a husband and a wife.

Translation: I banged so many random whores in the past month alone I can’t even remember their names let alone what they looked like.

Some people have made up things that never happened. They said I used performance-enhancing drugs. This is completely and utterly false. Some have written things about my family. Despite the damage I have done, I still believe it is right to shield my family from the public spotlight. They did not do these things; I did.

Translation: If you only knew half the crazy shit I’ve done since turning pro it would literally blow your fucking mind.

I have always tried to maintain a private space for my wife and children. They have been kept separate from my sponsors, my commercial endorsements. When my children were born, we only released photographs so that the paparazzi could not chase them. However, my behavior doesn't make it right for the media to follow my two-and-a-half-year-old daughter to school and report the school's location. They staked out my wife and they pursued my mom. Whatever my wrongdoings, for the sake of my family, please leave my wife and kids alone.

Translation: Help me out here people, I can’t take another beatdown from Elin. She make look slight but girl swings a mean golf club.

I recognize I have brought this on myself, and I know above all I am the one who needs to change. I owe it to my family to become a better person. I owe it to those closest to me to become a better man. That's where my focus will be.

Translation: Next time I won’t get caught.

I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is Buddhism, which my mother taught me at a young age. People probably don't realize it, but I was raised a Buddhist, and I actively practiced my faith from childhood until I drifted away from it in recent years. Buddhism teaches that a craving for things outside ourselves causes an unhappy and pointless search for security. It teaches me to stop following every impulse and to learn restraint. Obviously, I lost track of what I was taught.

Translation: Confucius say woman who fly upside down is sure to have crack up. Get it? Crack up? That one always kills me.

As I move forward, I will continue to receive help because I've learned that's how people really do change. Starting tomorrow, I will leave for more treatment and more therapy. I would like to thank my friends at Accenture and the players in the field this week for understanding why I'm making these remarks today.

Translation: Accenture - you’re the only real sponsor I have left (besides those schmucks at Nike). Please please please don’t drop me - I’ll do anything. Wait – Boobs Larue’s high beams just flicked back on – girl you’re distracting me – cover those things up.

In therapy, I've learned the importance of looking at my spiritual life and keeping in balance with my professional life. I need to regain my balance and be centered so I can save the things that are most important to me -- my marriage and my children.

Translation: All monogamy and no adultery makes Eldrick a dull boy.

That also means relying on others for help. I've learned to seek support from my peers in therapy, and I hope someday to return that support to others who are seeking help. I do plan to return to golf one day, I just don't know when that day will be.

Translation: I’ll be back to kick Mickelson’s ass and his man boobs at the Masters. Until then enjoy winning all those tournaments without me you flabby loser.

I don't rule out that it will be this year. When I do return, I need to make my behavior more respectful of the game. In recent weeks, I have received many thousands of e-mails, letters and phone calls from people expressing good wishes. To everyone who has reached out to me and my family, thank you. Your encouragement means the world to Elin and me.

Translation: Keep those naked picks a comin' ladies. I’ll need plenty of material to spank off to while Elin has me on house arrest.

I want to thank the PGA Tour, Commissioner Finchem and the players for their patience and understanding while I work on my private life. I look forward to seeing my fellow players on the course.

Translation: I’ll be back soon so boys and this time around I'll actually need the money so any slim chance of winning you had before is now gone.

Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who believed in me. Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again.

Translation: You might as well just start believing in me again right now because really nothing’s changed and nothing ever will, least of all me. I rule the golf course and I bang hordes of random sluts, it’s what I do. Deal with it.

Thank you.

Translation: If you just bought any of that crap I’ve got some ocean front property in Arizona I’d like to sell you.

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