Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Donna Simpson's Misguided Quest To Be The Fattest Woman On The Planet

Donna Simpson is working as hard as she can to get fat - really, really fat. She currently weighs over 600 pounds, she claims, and is vying for the title of world's fattest woman from the Guinness Book of World Records. That title currently belongs to Rosalie Bradford whose weight peaked at 1,199 lbs. before her eventual death in 2006. Simpson, a 42-year-old couch potato from New Jersey, is set on reaching the mark in just two years. And just how does she plan on getting there? By consuming over 12,000 calories / day, which happens to match the daily caloric intake of world champion swimmer Michael Phelps -- when he's training… a lot (and smoking weed… a lot - allegedly). The similarities between Simpson and Phelps end right there however as Simpson can't move more than 20 feet without help from her motorized scooter. And unlike Phelps, Simpson prefers to power binge on junk food (her favorite is doughnuts - mmmmm doughnuts). As a frame of reference in order to hit her goal of 12,000 calories / day Simpson would have to pig down 48 doughnuts, or 25 pizzas, or if she preferred to suck down the calories like a fatted calf she would have to consume 124 cans of coke. Starting to feel sick to your stomach? Just picture the poor bastard who’s currently having sex with this repulsive mountain of lard? Turning off my brain now. But seriously, from a purely pragmatic standpoint you’re probably asking yourself how much does it cost to support this beastly appetite? That would be $750 / week, according to Simpson. And just how does she earn enough money to pay for all this food (considering she spends the majority of her day shoving mounds of junk food down her massive pie hole and tries to move as little as possible)? With her “fattest woman website” where men pay to watch her eat fast food. Hold it – stop the presses – WHAT? You heard me right, with her “fattest woman website” where men PAY to watch her eat fast food. I’ve heard rumors of deviant social behavior and sick sexual fetishes but this shit takes the cake. Can you believe there’re actually men out there who PAY to watch this pig shovel fast food down her grotesquely bloated mug? Would somebody please publish the subscription list to her website so we can round up these sickos and have them marched in front of a firing squad for immediate public execution? Honestly, anyone who would pay a single dime to watch Jaba Simpson cram quarter pounders with cheese down her greasy cake hole doesn’t deserve to take up air and space.

If Simpson can't break the record of world’s fattest woman, she says she'll settle for the title of world's fattest mom (which she currently holds). When she birthed her daughter in 2007, it reportedly took a team of 30 doctors & nurses to deliver the baby via a high risk Caesarean procedure. Picture it – it probably took just one dude to do the cutting while 29 extra sets of hands stood around the beached whale and held back the rolls of fat – barf. “I'd love to be 1,000 lbs.,” she said. “It might be hard though. Running after my daughter keeps my weight down.” Yeah – at a paltry 600 lbs. I know exactly what you mean, Jaba - you’re practically disappearing before our very eyes. You might expect Simpson’s long-term boyfriend Philippe, 49, to advise her to slim down, but on the contrary he encourages her to eat more. He met Donna on a dating site for plus-size people and is a self-confessed fat admirer, although he himself weighs only 150 lbs. Wait – back up the truck – dude weighs a meager 150 lbs. while his girlfriend Nanu tips the scales at over 600 lbs.? What? How? Where? Oh fuck it – my head hurts even trying to do the math. “I think he'd like it if I was bigger,” said Simpson. “He's a real belly man, and completely supports me.” That’s it – I’m pulling your man card Philippe– you’re one sick mother fucker. Really dude – get some help.

Shocker alert - Simpson's weight problem began early on in her life. Her mother allegedly made big meals for her and her brothers and gave them lots of treats and fattening food. By the time Simpson was nine, she weighed almost 200 lbs. “Food was her way of showing she loved us, she wanted us to eat, and she was very protective of us,” Simpson said. “She wouldn't let anyone say anything bad to us about our weight. She would argue with doctors who said it was dangerous.” Altogether now: Dysfunction junction that’s my function. People are so fucked up. Simpson's mother died soon after, and her dad married a woman who put the children on a strict diet. Hallelujah - a voice of reason amidst the insanity. “I used to steal food from the cupboards, which were still full because my mum used to store food,” she said. But as she got older, Simpson began to worry about her weight and started taking diet pills. Between the ages 14 and 18 she slimmed down to @ 150 lbs., but was still unhappy. “Dieting just made me miserable because I was thinking about food all the time,” she said. After she left school, Simpson got a desk job and no longer felt the need to fit in with other girls. “I felt so much better when the weight came back,” she said. “It felt like who I was meant to be.” When Simpson was 19 she met her first husband, who worked as a chef at a steak restaurant. “He worked night shifts and would come home at 2 or 3am and bring the leftovers with him,” she said. “We'd stay up and eat huge piles of steak, mashed potatoes, and gravy with butter.” And when they were finished gorging themselves on leftovers they’d have dirty, mashed potato and gravy-soaked sex… lots of it. (Okay - I made that last part up as a test. Were you turned on? If so you failed. Please join the group in front of the firing squad immediately). “I started gaining weight quickly and my husband liked it. “He said I was sexier when I was bigger, and I felt happier too.” When she was 27, Donna weighed almost 350 lbs., and got pregnant with her eldest son, Devin. Her marriage ended soon after (shocker alert number two) and she turned to food for comfort. By the age of 31, she weighed almost 600 lbs. and decided to try and lose weight. She lost @ 70 lbs. in six months and was due to have a gastric band operation. But just before she was due to go under the knife, her friend died during a similar operation. “That was a sign for me,” Simpson said. “I decided it just wasn't worth it. I like being the way I am.” In other words it was easier being a fat, repugnant sloth than actually giving a shit about her health and her life, so she decided to just go with it. Simpson, then over 500 lbs., came across a website which celebrated obese women. When she admitted her real size, Donna was flooded with emails from men. “They sent me gifts through the post, like protein shakes to help me put on weight faster,” she said. Um, I think we’re going to need a larger firing squad. Seriously – why are people so fucked up? Simpson is unrepentant of her weight-gain goal, despite risking her own life in the process. “I love eating and people love watching me eat,” she said. “It makes people happy, and I'm not harming anyone.” Yeah Jaba – you’re a regular Mother Theresa - if Mother Theresa was a fat slob on a selfish quest to be the most disgusting person on the planet, that is.

Morbid obesity (which is defined as weighing more than 100 lbs. over your ideal weight) rates are growing in the United States - about 9 million American adults currently fit under this category. Health risks are high, including heart disease, stroke and diabetes. The reality is there are tons of fat people in this country – take a trip across middle America and you’ll see exactly what I’m talking about. I get it - it’s easy to get fat and hard to lose the weight once you’ve packed it on. But you know what? Tough shit fat people – nobody created the situation you’re in except for yourselves. Take accountability for your actions and put in the time and hard work necessary to reverse your fortunes. Eat healthy, exercise, and take back control of your lives in the process. Or you could go the other direction like Donna Simpson and try to kill yourself in the pursuit of a detestable goal you never really wanted to reach in the first place. Everyone has a choice.

1 comment:

Wade said...

I know I am a little late on the uptake here....but I am curious how many people realize (it was not mentioned in the latest news articles) that she is going to really be raking in the bucks when she is considered for social security due to being handicapped. Yep, we will all pay for her reaching her idiotic goal.