Wednesday, June 16, 2010

10 Sure Fire Ways To Get Your Man Card Pulled

Are you the kind of man that all women want and all other men want to be, or a girly sorry ass excuse for a man? Read this list and find out. What follows are 10 sure fire ways to get your man card pulled:

1) Eating chicken wings with a fork and knife. Come on sissy boy – get your hands dirty – that’s why God gave them to you in the first place.

2) Peeing sitting down. Unless it’s the middle of the night, you’re wasted, and concerned about a potential split stream there’s no excuse for sitting down while you pee, ever.

3) Staying sober at sporting events. Wanna know why they sell booze at every sporting event no matter what time of day or what day of the week it is? Cuz you’re supposed to drink it, that’s why Alice. It’s also been scientifically proven that intoxication makes you a better fan so drink up, bitch.

4) Wearing tight ass cycling pants. Unless your last name is Armstrong wearing skin tight spandex while you pedal on your bike is gay. And don’t even get me started on fluorescent cycling jerseys.

5) Blotting the grease off your pizza. Yo twinkle toes – grease tastes good and it makes your hang-overs go away. So what if it shortens your life expectancy – the years at the end are going to suck anyway.

6) Owning a dog that would fit in a purse. Question: Does your dog shit bigger than you? If the answer is no take it back to the store where you bought it immediately and ask for a dog that was meant for a man.

7) Wearing embroidered jeans. If your jeans have a swirly design on the butt and cost more than 50 or 60 bucks you mine as well start shopping in the ladies department, fancy boy.

8) Driving an electric vehicle. If you don’t hear a manly rumbling sound when you start up the engine of your car there’s a good chance you accidentally swapped keys with your girlfriend. At least that’s the story you should tell people until you trade in that piece of shit for a real car.

9) Making multiple modifications to your order at a restaurant. Are you a chef? I didn’t think so. So take the damn food like the chef intended you to eat it, fruit boots. Let your date ask for no butter on her steak and the dressing on the side of her salad - she’s the one with the girlish figure to look after.

10) Wearing pants that stop anywhere above the ankle. Also known as capris or japris (jeans version). Euros get a pass on this one cuz they’re always wearing stupid, f'd up shit. Otherwise wearing any variety of these fairy pants whatsoever is completely unacceptable behavior for a man.

If you are not guilty of any of the above I salute you. Your man card is fully intact. Chuck Norris would definitely like to party with you.

If you are guilty of 1-2 of these infractions it might be time to do some serious soul searching to figure out just what type of man you want to be. Your man card is temporarily suspended until further notice, but not revoked.

If you are guilty of 3-4 of these infractions you need to make some serious changes in your life right away before it’s too late. Your man card has been revoked until you can prove that you deserve it back (starting a bar fight, running onto the field naked at a major sporting event, or talking two sisters into a 3-way would all be good ways to prove yourself worthy).

If you are guilty of (gulp) 5 or more of these infractions consider your man card officially pulled, forever. You mine as well turn gay cuz we don’t want you playing for our team any longer.

The great irony in this post is that I (the author), a manly man in my own right, am actually guilty of 5 of these infractions (although I would never admit to which 5). My wife is always giving me shit about my ‘non-manly’ tendencies so I drafted this post to make fun of myself. What can I say? Self-deprecation is sometimes the best form of therapy.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Cut BP Some Slack Already

A lot of people are really pissed off about the BP oil leak that started back on Earth Day of all days (April 22, 2010), and shows no signs of being contained anytime soon. Estimates are all over the map but most experts agree that approximately 40-50 million gallons of oil has already leaked out into the ocean as a result of the BP spill. In comparison the Exxon Valdez oil spill oozed a paltry 11 million gallons of oil into the ocean. The effects of the BP spill are wide spread as the Gulf Coast fishing and tourism industries have been brought to their knees, coastal Louisiana and other East Coast beach towns are threatened by closures, and entire eco-systems in the Gulf of Mexico are at risk of extinction. Naturally people want someone to blame for this disaster and BP is an easy target. But I for one say we should cut them some slack. We’ve all heard on the news that this disaster could have easily been avoided had BP simply installed an “acoustics regulator” on their Deepwater rig. But dude, those things cost like $500,000 and that’s a big chunk of change even for BP (fourth largest company in the WORLD, $17B in PROFITS in FY2009). We’ve also heard about their suspect safety record (with 872 ‘serious violations’ since 2007, BP accounted for 97% of all serious safety violations in the industry over that span). Hey, safety is expensive man and as a good corporate citizen BP had an obligation to its shareholders to cut as many corners as possible to maximize profits. And lastly people have criticized BP's inability to contain a leak on a system they installed and operated. Well that’s just silly. Do you know how deep that rig is? It’s 5,000 feet below the surface of the ocean. And do you know how fast that oil is gushing out into the sea? It’s impossible to know exactly since BP has refused to allow independent scientists to perform accurate measurements, but experts agree the figure falls somewhere between 12,000 and 100,000 barrels per day. Just think about the logistics involved in containing a leak of this magnitude at that depth in the ocean. It’s not like they’re not trying. First they launched operation ‘top hat’, then they tried operation ‘big straw’, and most recently they attempted operation ‘top kill’. Unfortunately none of these 'solutions' panned out, but it’s ONLY been 48 days people so let’s get off their backs already. I’m sure they’ll eventually figure something out, they just need more time. Speaking of time…

It took 23 years to build the Great Pyramid of Giza (2584-2561 BC). It’s one of the great seven ancient wonders of the world. A big pile of rocks in the middle of the desert is more like it.

It took 276 years to build the Great Wall of China (1368-1644 AD). It may be 5,500 miles long but at the end of the day it’s still just a wall.

It took 12 years to build the Roman Colosseum (70-82 AD). Have you seen that thing lately? It’s in ruins.

It took 22 years to build the Taj Mahal (1631-1653 AD). It’s been called one of the greatest architectural achievements in the history of the world. Yeah – but they forgot to put a casino on the bottom floor… snooze city.

It took 34 years to build the Panama Canal (1880-1914 AD). Water in, water out. Water in, water out. Boring.

It took 4 years to build the Golden Gate Bridge (1933-1937 AD). It’s metal, it’s red, and you can drive your car across it. Yawn.

It took 2 years to build the Eiffel Tower (1887-1889 AD). A crew of twenty Mexican dudes built the exact same tower in Vegas in about two weeks. Ho hum.

It took 410 days to build the Empire State Building (1930-1931 AD). Yeah it’s tall but let’s face it, compared to modern high rises it blows.

And you want to complain about BP taking a measly 48 days (and counting) to figure out how to stop a massive oil hemorrhage 5,000 feet beneath the surface of the ocean? History shows us that Rome wasn’t built in a day so let’s all be patient while BP diligently works to figure this thing out.

Don't worry BP, take as much time as you need, it’s all good.