Wednesday, June 16, 2010

10 Sure Fire Ways To Get Your Man Card Pulled

Are you the kind of man that all women want and all other men want to be, or a girly sorry ass excuse for a man? Read this list and find out. What follows are 10 sure fire ways to get your man card pulled:

1) Eating chicken wings with a fork and knife. Come on sissy boy – get your hands dirty – that’s why God gave them to you in the first place.

2) Peeing sitting down. Unless it’s the middle of the night, you’re wasted, and concerned about a potential split stream there’s no excuse for sitting down while you pee, ever.

3) Staying sober at sporting events. Wanna know why they sell booze at every sporting event no matter what time of day or what day of the week it is? Cuz you’re supposed to drink it, that’s why Alice. It’s also been scientifically proven that intoxication makes you a better fan so drink up, bitch.

4) Wearing tight ass cycling pants. Unless your last name is Armstrong wearing skin tight spandex while you pedal on your bike is gay. And don’t even get me started on fluorescent cycling jerseys.

5) Blotting the grease off your pizza. Yo twinkle toes – grease tastes good and it makes your hang-overs go away. So what if it shortens your life expectancy – the years at the end are going to suck anyway.

6) Owning a dog that would fit in a purse. Question: Does your dog shit bigger than you? If the answer is no take it back to the store where you bought it immediately and ask for a dog that was meant for a man.

7) Wearing embroidered jeans. If your jeans have a swirly design on the butt and cost more than 50 or 60 bucks you mine as well start shopping in the ladies department, fancy boy.

8) Driving an electric vehicle. If you don’t hear a manly rumbling sound when you start up the engine of your car there’s a good chance you accidentally swapped keys with your girlfriend. At least that’s the story you should tell people until you trade in that piece of shit for a real car.

9) Making multiple modifications to your order at a restaurant. Are you a chef? I didn’t think so. So take the damn food like the chef intended you to eat it, fruit boots. Let your date ask for no butter on her steak and the dressing on the side of her salad - she’s the one with the girlish figure to look after.

10) Wearing pants that stop anywhere above the ankle. Also known as capris or japris (jeans version). Euros get a pass on this one cuz they’re always wearing stupid, f'd up shit. Otherwise wearing any variety of these fairy pants whatsoever is completely unacceptable behavior for a man.

If you are not guilty of any of the above I salute you. Your man card is fully intact. Chuck Norris would definitely like to party with you.

If you are guilty of 1-2 of these infractions it might be time to do some serious soul searching to figure out just what type of man you want to be. Your man card is temporarily suspended until further notice, but not revoked.

If you are guilty of 3-4 of these infractions you need to make some serious changes in your life right away before it’s too late. Your man card has been revoked until you can prove that you deserve it back (starting a bar fight, running onto the field naked at a major sporting event, or talking two sisters into a 3-way would all be good ways to prove yourself worthy).

If you are guilty of (gulp) 5 or more of these infractions consider your man card officially pulled, forever. You mine as well turn gay cuz we don’t want you playing for our team any longer.

The great irony in this post is that I (the author), a manly man in my own right, am actually guilty of 5 of these infractions (although I would never admit to which 5). My wife is always giving me shit about my ‘non-manly’ tendencies so I drafted this post to make fun of myself. What can I say? Self-deprecation is sometimes the best form of therapy.


Tiffany said...

You and Craig can has out the "cycling pants" situation.... & does it count when you drive your golf cart??? :)

Ann said...

My guess...5,6,7,8,& 9...?? ;)

Unknown said...

What if I'm allergic to alcohol?