Monday, July 12, 2010

My Love / Hate Affair With Summer

I went to the mall last week and things seemed off for some reason. Perhaps it was the weather? Sixty five and cloudy in early July. Strange for this time of year but not unheard of near the beach. Maybe it was the timing of my visit? I don’t normally go to the mall on a weekday. But a holiday weekday is pretty much the same thing as a weekend so that couldn’t be it either. Then it hit me. On any given day the place is filled with pretty, shiny people. Albeit surgically altered and snooty as all hell people in most cases, but pretty to look at nonetheless. On this day however it was different. As I looked around I couldn’t help but notice an over abundance of fat people. And not just fat people but low-class, goofy looking fat people in off brand beach clothes revealing way too much of what lies beneath. Sun burned back fat to the right of me, hairy thigh rolls to the left of me, Augustus Gloop looking kids around every corner. The older ones chain smoked unable to read the no smoking signs clearly posted EVERYWHERE, while the younger ones stuffed their dirty pie holes with Haagen Dazs and Hot Dog on a Stick, delicacies unavailable in their native homelands judging by their fervor. In an instant this tiny sanctuary in Newport Beach, CA, had been freakishly transformed into a typical scene from any Walmart south of the Mason Dixon line and east of the Rockies. The annual coastal migration of the hill people had begun which could mean only one thing – the official start of summer had arrived. And there you have it - the great seasonal paradox of living in Southern California. Summer time - when the weather is at its very best and my schedule is at its most flexible to enjoy all that Southern California has to offer, I’m forced to share it with the mutants and miscreants of middle America. And so goes my love / hate affair with summer.

How big of an asshole is this guy, you must be asking yourself. But before you pass judgment allow me to enlighten you with some interesting statistics from the “American Human Development Project” - an extensive study conducted by the Social Science Research Council aimed at using data to create an understanding of and support for social change in America. Among other things the study found:

• The (5) states with the lowest average life expectancy are: Mississippi, Louisiana, Alabama, Oklahoma, & Tennessee / West Virginia (tie)

• The (5) states with the highest percentage of adult obesity are: Mississippi, West Virginia, Alabama, Louisiana, & Tennessee

• The (5) states in with the highest rate of teenage pregnancy are: Texas, Mississippi, New Mexico, Arkansas, & Arizona

• The (5) states with the highest tobacco consumption are: Kentucky, West Virginia, Indiana / Oklahoma (tie), & Arkansas / Alabama / Tennessee (tie)

• The (5) states with the lowest percentage of the population holding a bachelor’s degree or higher are: West Virginia, Mississippi, Arkansas, Kentucky, & Louisiana / Nevada (tie)

• The (5) states with the lowest median income are in: Montana, Idaho, Mississippi, Arkansas, & New Mexico

• The (5) states with the highest unemployment rate are: Michigan, Mississippi, Alaska, South Carolina, & Kentucky

• The (5) states with the highest homicide rate are: Louisiana, Mississippi / Maryland (tie), & Alabama / New Mexico / Arizona (tie)

Conclusion #1: Middle America blows (especially Mississippi)

Conclusion #2: I am in fact an asshole

One more interesting factoid:

• While conducting this research I discovered that the divorce rate in middle America is 27% higher than in coastal America.

Conclusion: Wives don’t like to get beat

In closing I’d just like to say I have absolutely nothing against fat, uneducated, poor people who like to smoke, get pregnant in their teens, commit homicides, and will more than likely die young and unemployed. I just like them a whole lot better when I don’t have to share my habitat with them. Plus it’s been over a month since my last midget sighting so I think the hillbillies are scaring them away.

1 comment:

EJ said...

You are brilliant. And I say this without a hint of sarcasm. You should have your own radio talk show. Or write a book. Or something.

Also, I thought you'd be interested to know - in case you hadn't already heard - that "dwarf-tossing" (not my own words) is illegal in parts of France. And now in the French press, this law has magnificently been invoked in comparison to - and in defense of - France having banned the Burqa recently. I kid you not.