Friday, August 27, 2010

A Man's Response to "23 Things Women Want"

I found this headline on my MSN homepage the other day (in the top section that blinks on the top 5 stories of the day no less):

Heads Up, Guys: 23 Things Women Want

Hmm… I’m a guy and I have no idea what women want, so against my better judgment I clicked on the link:

A dating guru offers a glimpse into the female mind.

Wow - a dating guru. Can’t wait to find out what pearls of wisdom she has to share with the world. After all these years I’m finally going to find out exactly what takes place inside the mystery that is the female mind. As I read on in astonishment only one word can be used to describe the quality of the content I eagerly lapped up with each mouse click. Okay two words: TOTAL GARBAGE. I painfully finished reading the article and the wheels in my head started to turn. First thought: How the fuck did this hack get published on the front page of MSN? Second thought: How the fuck could Glamour magazine (her employer) attempt to pass this hack off as a guru of any kind? Third thought: Erin Meanley (the author of the article) – you’ve just become fodder for the Quinsey Blog. Nothing personal Erin (pictured at top of post), I’m sure you’re a real nice lady but there’s simply no excuse for writing then publishing something so pathetic and uninspired. What follows is Erin’s article with my comments inserted in italics (from the perspective of a single man who might have dated her at some point in the past). This is gonna be fun.

23 Things Single Women Wish We Could Tell Men

By Erin Meanley

Do you ever wish you could have the undivided attention of every single man on this planet? Hold on just one second Erin while I picture you naked. So you could set the record straight about who we really are and what we want? Congratulations on winning the nomination as the voice of all women – guess that’s why Glamour thinks you’re a “guru”. Well, I'm going to make an attempt here … without the focused male attention, of course. A subtle attempt at humor? No wonder MSN gave you the front page. Hopefully it doesn't sound too harsh. This list looks like it was written for guys, but I hope that when you read it, you will relate to what I'm saying, and that it will make you either laugh, learn, or love being you ... Let me guess – you just finished reading Eat Pray Love.

1. Every woman could use one compliment a day. One compliment a day?

Are you out of your fucking mind, Erin? If I complimented you every day I’d run out of things to compliment in about a week. Besides how insecure are you needing a compliment every single day?

2. We'd rather you didn't say, "I'll call you" if you really mean "goodbye." Just don't say anything — we won't think you're a jerk as we part ways for the night. And you know the saying that goes, "It's better to under-promise and over-deliver"? How about, just don't promise anything and don't deliver anything.

Look - I only said “I’ll call you” to spare us both the awkward silence at the end of our horrible date. Awkward silence isn’t fun for anyone – you’re welcome. Besides we men are about as transparent as a pair of sunglasses so it shouldn’t have been too difficult to figure out that I wasn’t really going to call you. For a guru you’re pretty fucking dense. “I’ll call you” later and we can discuss it more. Did you believe me that time?

3. Most of us are not crazy or psycho. We can be emotional and hormonal.

You say potato, I say potahto, you say tomato, I say tomahto…

4. If we catch you glancing at our chest when you're a foot away, we'll think you're rude and have no willpower. You can look, but from a distance.

If God didn’t want me to stare at your fun bags he wouldn’t have put them there in the first place. Any questions?

5. Even the most confident among us can act needy and insecure at times. It happens when you start pulling away and we're not aware that that's what you're doing, only that you're acting funny. But oh, you should see how cool and independent most of us are when we're not dating someone.

You’re starting to sound like every creepy girlfriend I’ve ever had. And you’re still single? Shocker.

6. Feminine hygiene commercials are silly, but don't complain about having to watch them. Try having to use them — for several days each month, I mean — for most of your life. When you complain, it makes you look insensitive. And weak. We have no sympathy.

Okay but I really love beer and I drink it at least as many days per month as you’re on your period (who am I kidding – I drink it every day to be able to tolerate you). So let’s make a deal - I won’t complain about the tampon commercials if you stop complaining every time I ogle the scantily clad bimbos in the beer commercials.

7. Please don't yell when you think we're driving poorly, especially if we're from the west coast and we've never seen a rotary before. Just give us advice, help, or moral support. (P.S. If you stomp your foot on the ground because you think we should brake, well, it's just funny. We will brake if/when we need to.)

Here’s some advice – turn in your license and stop driving altogether. The world would be a safer place.

8. If you text, "Hows ur week goin?" we can either reply "good" and risk sounding curt (see #16) or we can send you a 400-word document. Don't put us in this position. Just don't text open-ended questions.

I could continue pretending to give a shit with texts like “Hows ur week goin?” in the hopes that you’ll give me sex, or I could just plain not give a shit and stop sending you texts altogether– your call.

9. Texting a girl twice a week does not count as staying in contact. It's meaningless and a waste of everyone's time. Let her go.

Fair enough but could we have some breakup sex first?

10. Booty texts: weak.

Booty texts: Bootylicious.

11. If you're a mama's boy and you're looking for a wife, think about it: what woman wants to be #2? Consider setting boundaries and work on establishing some independence. You and your mom can have a loving relationship without being co-dependent.

Does this mean you’re going to start doing my laundry?

12. After you do something bad, it would be so much better if you called us right away to apologize. You think it's best to wait a few days while we cool off, but what's cooling off is our feelings for you. Man up. The sooner the better.

Philosophical riddle: If I banged another chick but you never found out about it did it really happen? Trust me Erin, when I do something bad calling you to confess is the furthest thing from my mind.

13. The reason we're up in your grill about what time you're coming over, and the reason we're so good at communicating our own whereabouts, is that since the beginning of time our parents were making us report back to them about where we were and when we'd be home.

Most of the girls I knew, including my sister and I, didn't have the freedom the boys in our neighborhood had. Then in college, out of habit, we always told our roommates when we would be home (especially if we went to school in a bad neighborhood), and they did the same.

So that's why we're like that. We've been under tight surveillance since birth and it took a lot of work just to be allowed (FINALLY) to ride our bikes un-chaperoned to the movie theater. Now we're trained. If you don't like that we're this way, take it up with our parents.

Words – all I see is words. I think I might have even nodded off halfway through that one. I didn’t even read the last part. So that’s why we’re like that… blah blah blah, … ride our bikes un-chaperoned to the movie theater… blah blah blah. What the fuck are you talking about anyway?

14. High heels really hurt.

Your voice makes my ears hurt.

15. Teasing won't bait us. Attempting to wear us down is annoying.

You’re annoying. So is this article. Is it almost over?

16. 5-word emails seem cranky. Efficient, yes. Loving, no. Greet. Ask questions. Elaborate where possible.

But then I’d actually have to communicate with you. And I’d rather be waterboarded than communicate with you – seriously.

17. If we say we're babysitting for a friend, we did not say we want to have a baby now and that we want you to be the dad. "I'm babysitting" simply means, "I'm busy being a good friend." You are paranoid and it's embarrassing.

As long as we’re being honest Erin, I do want to have a baby – I just don’t want to have a baby with you. You’re pretty much just my sex tap until something better comes along. Isn’t honesty fun?

18. Stop talking about marrying us until you actually give one of us a ring.

Come on Erin. You and I both know if I didn’t at least feign interest in marrying you the blow jobs would cease and desist immediately. Am I right?

19. Please be aware of how serious and in love you sound. Just say, "I like you," not, "Let's fly to Miami next month." (I thought guys were supposed to be direct.) Sure, it sounds cooler (and less vulnerable) to talk a big game about Miami, but come next month, you won't remember saying anything about Miami.

Come next month I’ll be on to the next thing (meaning not you). So who the hell cares what I do or don’t promise now? Make sense?

20. If a girl has pretty eyes, she has probably heard men tell her that five thousand times. It's fine to repeat the compliment, but you'll make a much bigger impression if you find something else to compliment.

Again with the compliments? Give it a rest already.

21. As far as having children goes, you have the luxury of time. Appreciate it.

First you don’t want kids, then you do want kids. But I’m the one with a communication problem?

22. Taking us for granted is probably the worst thing you could do after cheating and lying. Since women are very good at appreciating each other, your behavior looks kinda selfish to us.

I’m confused – are you suggesting a 3-way with you, me, and another woman? If so I’m in.

23. The word is "cherish." Do you cherish her?

The only thing I cherish is the fact that this article is finally over. It was ill-conceived, poorly written, and terribly executed. Whatever Glamour’s paying you to write this crap is way too much. It did make for some good blog fodder though. Hugs and kisses from the Quinsey Blog.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ladera Flasher Arrested

For those of you not familiar with Ladera Ranch it’s a small slice of suburbia located in South Orange County, CA, nestled between San Juan Capistrano and Mission Viejo. It’s a city full of young families, stay-at-home moms, and up-and-comers in the business world. The citizens of Ladera are an active bunch and regularly frequent the community parks which can be found on every corner and the community pools and clubhouses which can be found around every turn. The education level in Ladera is extremely high while the crime rate is extremely low. To say Ladera Ranch is like a real life “Stepford” would be no stretch at all. It’s also the community that I’ve called home for the past 10 years now.

For everything that I love about Ladera Ranch there are certain things that I can’t stand about it. The property taxes are ridiculously high, the population lacks a certain diversity prevalent in other suburban towns, and you stand a strong probability of being reported to the homeowner’s association should you fart too loud. That being said I was recently struck by the following headline on the front of our local periodical, the Ladera Times:

Ladera Flasher Arrested” (see picture at top of post)

Bear in mind the local police blotter is filled with reports of dogs off leashes, teenagers drinking in the park, and suspicious characters driving non-luxury vehicles behind the gates. So a scandalous headline like “Ladera Flasher Arrested” was sure to catch my attention. I eagerly turned to page 34 and this is what I found:

21-Year-Old Ladera Ranch Man Arrested for Indecent Exposure

Alex Garrett Brown, 21, of Ladera Ranch, was arrested on June 27 for indecent exposure, according to Lt. Mike Gavin, of Mission Viejo Police Services. According to the Orange County Police Report, Mr. Brown is being accused of wearing no pants and exposing himself from his car to a woman around 9:00 am in the Pavilions parking lot at Marguerite and Oso Parkways. After the woman made a disparaging remark about his manhood, he drove off, according to Sgt. Sandra Kirsch who was called to the scene. The woman was able to give a partial license plate number and while deputies searched the area, Sgt. Kirsch said a second woman flagged down an officer and reported a similar incident in another lot and was able to provide a complete license plate number. Shortly thereafter (no pun intended), deputies located Mr. Brown, who was in another nearby lot where he was apparently waiting to expose himself to another victim, according to Sgt. Kirsch. Both women were able to identify Mr. Brown, leading to his arrest.

As a Ladera resident this story both reassured and amused me on several different levels.

First off it’s good to know that Ladera Ranch contains at least one severely disturbed individual – I was honestly starting to think I might actually be living in “Stepford”. This story is proof to the contrary as only a human being could be capable of such utterly deviant behavior. Thank you Alex Garrett Brown, you sick little fuck, for the reality check.

Secondly I love how the first woman he accosted “made a disparaging remark about his manhood”. Nothing says boner killer like a chick you don’t know calling your junk small. I’ve got to hand it to you though Alex, you degenerate “little” pervert. Most dudes in your position would have shut it down after being called out like that. But not you, you powered on and kept exposing your teeny weenie right up until the moment you got caught. Way to persevere, you depraved “little” freak.

Thirdly I can just imagine how the dialogue must have gone when Brown was confronted by police:

Police Officer: Put your pants on and step out of the vehicle immediately.

Brown (fumbling to put pants on): Um, what seems to be the problem officer? I got hot so I took off my pants off to cool down. Is that a crime?

Police Officer: We know you’ve been driving around exposing yourself to women.

Brown: Exposing myself to women? Whoa, I was just asking for directions. I suppose that’s a crime too?

Police Officer: The jig is up son. Step away from the vehicle with your hands up.

Brown (dropping pants once he notices Sgt. Kirsch): Damn – I’ve really got to get the zipper fixed on these things (big grin on his face).

Lastly let’s take a look at the lessons learned:

1) If you’re going to flash people don’t do it in Ladera Ranch. Go to downtown LA with the rest of the reprobates and flash to your heart’s content. I guarantee no one will even raise an eyebrow let alone call the police.

2) If you have small junk you might want to consider other ways to get your jollies besides flashing. Unless of course you enjoy being ridiculed in public.

3) If you insist on flashing and insist on doing it in Ladera Ranch, cover up your fucking license plate you stupid dumbass.

He’ll undoubtedly be sent to therapy for his sexual aberrance issues, but unfortunately for people like Alex Garrett Brown there’s simply no cure for stupid.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Questions That Keep Me Up At Night

If you haven’t already figured it out I’m a pretty twisted cat with a fairly jaded view of the world. The things I think about aren’t always appropriate to share but I usually do anyway much to the chagrin of my wife. What follows is a list of (20) random questions that flow through my mind each night while I try to fall asleep, except on the nights when I’ve had too much vodka of course. On those nights I have no idea what thoughts if any rattle around my booze soaked cerebrum. As you read through the list you’ll probably ask yourself a question that my wife asks almost every single day: “What’s wrong with this guy?” My standard answer to her and you is simply this: MANY things. At least you’re not married to me. On to the list:

1) Do fat people feel guilty eating in public?

2) Does everyone have a gift (a good singing voice, the ability to run fast, extreme intelligence, etc.) or are some people just worthless space eaters (like Snooki from Jersey Shore)?

3) Isn't chronic fatigue syndrome really just another word for lazy?

4) Are old and ugly prerequisites to being elected a Supreme Court justice?

5) Am I the only member of the Republican party who can’t stand Sarah Palin? Is it just me or does she sound retarded (or Canadian) every time she opens her mouth? (what’s the difference, eh?)

6) Why do some waiters try to remember your order without writing anything down? Don’t be a hero Chachi - they gave you a pen and pad of paper for a reason – please write down what I ordered so it doesn’t come out all fucked up… again.

7) After dropping a letter in the mailbox at the post office why do people (myself included) feel the need to open and close the door several more times to make sure the letter made it in? (where the hell else would it go?)

8) Am I the only person who wants to throw myself out a window every time a Michael Buble song comes on the radio?

9) In a gay male relationship is one dude always the pitcher and one dude always the catcher or do they trade off nightly, or hourly, or… ? (hold on a second – I think I just threw up a little in my mouth)

10) Would it really be wise to elect a female president considering that once every month all women go completely insane? (PMS = nuclear war) I’m so sleeping on the couch tonight.

11) Is there a parallel universe where Rosie O’Donnell is thin, pretty, talented, and not famous?

12) Am I the only one who likes to huff on tennis balls when they first come out of the can? (God I love that smell) And how do they get enough air in the cans to make that popping sound every time you open one?

13) How can anyone say you’re watching too much TV? It’s like saying you’re having too much fun or too much sex – impossible.

14) Are pro athletes and former pro athletes the only ones who suffer from sex addiction? And do they actually think anyone believes it’s a real sickness when delivering their public apologies?

15) Why the fuck would anyone choose to be a dentist? Putting your hands in other people’s dirty mouths all day – gross. There’s plenty of other ways to make a buck.

16) Why do all French guys always have that gay, Pepe Le Pew look on their face? It makes me want to punch them (I guess the court-ordered anger management therapy isn’t working).

17) Do people who are against illegal immigration realize that without illegal Mexican workers we would have no place to live and nothing to eat?

18) When Asian people view the world does it look like a horizontal iPhone picture?

19) Why do all of Daughtry’s songs sound exactly the same? I used to be a fan until he put out the same song twenty seven times under a different title.

20) Why is a tomato considered a fruit when it tastes so damn much like a vegetable?