Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ladera Flasher Arrested

For those of you not familiar with Ladera Ranch it’s a small slice of suburbia located in South Orange County, CA, nestled between San Juan Capistrano and Mission Viejo. It’s a city full of young families, stay-at-home moms, and up-and-comers in the business world. The citizens of Ladera are an active bunch and regularly frequent the community parks which can be found on every corner and the community pools and clubhouses which can be found around every turn. The education level in Ladera is extremely high while the crime rate is extremely low. To say Ladera Ranch is like a real life “Stepford” would be no stretch at all. It’s also the community that I’ve called home for the past 10 years now.

For everything that I love about Ladera Ranch there are certain things that I can’t stand about it. The property taxes are ridiculously high, the population lacks a certain diversity prevalent in other suburban towns, and you stand a strong probability of being reported to the homeowner’s association should you fart too loud. That being said I was recently struck by the following headline on the front of our local periodical, the Ladera Times:

Ladera Flasher Arrested” (see picture at top of post)

Bear in mind the local police blotter is filled with reports of dogs off leashes, teenagers drinking in the park, and suspicious characters driving non-luxury vehicles behind the gates. So a scandalous headline like “Ladera Flasher Arrested” was sure to catch my attention. I eagerly turned to page 34 and this is what I found:

21-Year-Old Ladera Ranch Man Arrested for Indecent Exposure

Alex Garrett Brown, 21, of Ladera Ranch, was arrested on June 27 for indecent exposure, according to Lt. Mike Gavin, of Mission Viejo Police Services. According to the Orange County Police Report, Mr. Brown is being accused of wearing no pants and exposing himself from his car to a woman around 9:00 am in the Pavilions parking lot at Marguerite and Oso Parkways. After the woman made a disparaging remark about his manhood, he drove off, according to Sgt. Sandra Kirsch who was called to the scene. The woman was able to give a partial license plate number and while deputies searched the area, Sgt. Kirsch said a second woman flagged down an officer and reported a similar incident in another lot and was able to provide a complete license plate number. Shortly thereafter (no pun intended), deputies located Mr. Brown, who was in another nearby lot where he was apparently waiting to expose himself to another victim, according to Sgt. Kirsch. Both women were able to identify Mr. Brown, leading to his arrest.

As a Ladera resident this story both reassured and amused me on several different levels.

First off it’s good to know that Ladera Ranch contains at least one severely disturbed individual – I was honestly starting to think I might actually be living in “Stepford”. This story is proof to the contrary as only a human being could be capable of such utterly deviant behavior. Thank you Alex Garrett Brown, you sick little fuck, for the reality check.

Secondly I love how the first woman he accosted “made a disparaging remark about his manhood”. Nothing says boner killer like a chick you don’t know calling your junk small. I’ve got to hand it to you though Alex, you degenerate “little” pervert. Most dudes in your position would have shut it down after being called out like that. But not you, you powered on and kept exposing your teeny weenie right up until the moment you got caught. Way to persevere, you depraved “little” freak.

Thirdly I can just imagine how the dialogue must have gone when Brown was confronted by police:

Police Officer: Put your pants on and step out of the vehicle immediately.

Brown (fumbling to put pants on): Um, what seems to be the problem officer? I got hot so I took off my pants off to cool down. Is that a crime?

Police Officer: We know you’ve been driving around exposing yourself to women.

Brown: Exposing myself to women? Whoa, I was just asking for directions. I suppose that’s a crime too?

Police Officer: The jig is up son. Step away from the vehicle with your hands up.

Brown (dropping pants once he notices Sgt. Kirsch): Damn – I’ve really got to get the zipper fixed on these things (big grin on his face).

Lastly let’s take a look at the lessons learned:

1) If you’re going to flash people don’t do it in Ladera Ranch. Go to downtown LA with the rest of the reprobates and flash to your heart’s content. I guarantee no one will even raise an eyebrow let alone call the police.

2) If you have small junk you might want to consider other ways to get your jollies besides flashing. Unless of course you enjoy being ridiculed in public.

3) If you insist on flashing and insist on doing it in Ladera Ranch, cover up your fucking license plate you stupid dumbass.

He’ll undoubtedly be sent to therapy for his sexual aberrance issues, but unfortunately for people like Alex Garrett Brown there’s simply no cure for stupid.

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