Friday, August 27, 2010

A Man's Response to "23 Things Women Want"

I found this headline on my MSN homepage the other day (in the top section that blinks on the top 5 stories of the day no less):

Heads Up, Guys: 23 Things Women Want

Hmm… I’m a guy and I have no idea what women want, so against my better judgment I clicked on the link:

A dating guru offers a glimpse into the female mind.

Wow - a dating guru. Can’t wait to find out what pearls of wisdom she has to share with the world. After all these years I’m finally going to find out exactly what takes place inside the mystery that is the female mind. As I read on in astonishment only one word can be used to describe the quality of the content I eagerly lapped up with each mouse click. Okay two words: TOTAL GARBAGE. I painfully finished reading the article and the wheels in my head started to turn. First thought: How the fuck did this hack get published on the front page of MSN? Second thought: How the fuck could Glamour magazine (her employer) attempt to pass this hack off as a guru of any kind? Third thought: Erin Meanley (the author of the article) – you’ve just become fodder for the Quinsey Blog. Nothing personal Erin (pictured at top of post), I’m sure you’re a real nice lady but there’s simply no excuse for writing then publishing something so pathetic and uninspired. What follows is Erin’s article with my comments inserted in italics (from the perspective of a single man who might have dated her at some point in the past). This is gonna be fun.

23 Things Single Women Wish We Could Tell Men

By Erin Meanley

Do you ever wish you could have the undivided attention of every single man on this planet? Hold on just one second Erin while I picture you naked. So you could set the record straight about who we really are and what we want? Congratulations on winning the nomination as the voice of all women – guess that’s why Glamour thinks you’re a “guru”. Well, I'm going to make an attempt here … without the focused male attention, of course. A subtle attempt at humor? No wonder MSN gave you the front page. Hopefully it doesn't sound too harsh. This list looks like it was written for guys, but I hope that when you read it, you will relate to what I'm saying, and that it will make you either laugh, learn, or love being you ... Let me guess – you just finished reading Eat Pray Love.

1. Every woman could use one compliment a day. One compliment a day?

Are you out of your fucking mind, Erin? If I complimented you every day I’d run out of things to compliment in about a week. Besides how insecure are you needing a compliment every single day?

2. We'd rather you didn't say, "I'll call you" if you really mean "goodbye." Just don't say anything — we won't think you're a jerk as we part ways for the night. And you know the saying that goes, "It's better to under-promise and over-deliver"? How about, just don't promise anything and don't deliver anything.

Look - I only said “I’ll call you” to spare us both the awkward silence at the end of our horrible date. Awkward silence isn’t fun for anyone – you’re welcome. Besides we men are about as transparent as a pair of sunglasses so it shouldn’t have been too difficult to figure out that I wasn’t really going to call you. For a guru you’re pretty fucking dense. “I’ll call you” later and we can discuss it more. Did you believe me that time?

3. Most of us are not crazy or psycho. We can be emotional and hormonal.

You say potato, I say potahto, you say tomato, I say tomahto…

4. If we catch you glancing at our chest when you're a foot away, we'll think you're rude and have no willpower. You can look, but from a distance.

If God didn’t want me to stare at your fun bags he wouldn’t have put them there in the first place. Any questions?

5. Even the most confident among us can act needy and insecure at times. It happens when you start pulling away and we're not aware that that's what you're doing, only that you're acting funny. But oh, you should see how cool and independent most of us are when we're not dating someone.

You’re starting to sound like every creepy girlfriend I’ve ever had. And you’re still single? Shocker.

6. Feminine hygiene commercials are silly, but don't complain about having to watch them. Try having to use them — for several days each month, I mean — for most of your life. When you complain, it makes you look insensitive. And weak. We have no sympathy.

Okay but I really love beer and I drink it at least as many days per month as you’re on your period (who am I kidding – I drink it every day to be able to tolerate you). So let’s make a deal - I won’t complain about the tampon commercials if you stop complaining every time I ogle the scantily clad bimbos in the beer commercials.

7. Please don't yell when you think we're driving poorly, especially if we're from the west coast and we've never seen a rotary before. Just give us advice, help, or moral support. (P.S. If you stomp your foot on the ground because you think we should brake, well, it's just funny. We will brake if/when we need to.)

Here’s some advice – turn in your license and stop driving altogether. The world would be a safer place.

8. If you text, "Hows ur week goin?" we can either reply "good" and risk sounding curt (see #16) or we can send you a 400-word document. Don't put us in this position. Just don't text open-ended questions.

I could continue pretending to give a shit with texts like “Hows ur week goin?” in the hopes that you’ll give me sex, or I could just plain not give a shit and stop sending you texts altogether– your call.

9. Texting a girl twice a week does not count as staying in contact. It's meaningless and a waste of everyone's time. Let her go.

Fair enough but could we have some breakup sex first?

10. Booty texts: weak.

Booty texts: Bootylicious.

11. If you're a mama's boy and you're looking for a wife, think about it: what woman wants to be #2? Consider setting boundaries and work on establishing some independence. You and your mom can have a loving relationship without being co-dependent.

Does this mean you’re going to start doing my laundry?

12. After you do something bad, it would be so much better if you called us right away to apologize. You think it's best to wait a few days while we cool off, but what's cooling off is our feelings for you. Man up. The sooner the better.

Philosophical riddle: If I banged another chick but you never found out about it did it really happen? Trust me Erin, when I do something bad calling you to confess is the furthest thing from my mind.

13. The reason we're up in your grill about what time you're coming over, and the reason we're so good at communicating our own whereabouts, is that since the beginning of time our parents were making us report back to them about where we were and when we'd be home.

Most of the girls I knew, including my sister and I, didn't have the freedom the boys in our neighborhood had. Then in college, out of habit, we always told our roommates when we would be home (especially if we went to school in a bad neighborhood), and they did the same.

So that's why we're like that. We've been under tight surveillance since birth and it took a lot of work just to be allowed (FINALLY) to ride our bikes un-chaperoned to the movie theater. Now we're trained. If you don't like that we're this way, take it up with our parents.

Words – all I see is words. I think I might have even nodded off halfway through that one. I didn’t even read the last part. So that’s why we’re like that… blah blah blah, … ride our bikes un-chaperoned to the movie theater… blah blah blah. What the fuck are you talking about anyway?

14. High heels really hurt.

Your voice makes my ears hurt.

15. Teasing won't bait us. Attempting to wear us down is annoying.

You’re annoying. So is this article. Is it almost over?

16. 5-word emails seem cranky. Efficient, yes. Loving, no. Greet. Ask questions. Elaborate where possible.

But then I’d actually have to communicate with you. And I’d rather be waterboarded than communicate with you – seriously.

17. If we say we're babysitting for a friend, we did not say we want to have a baby now and that we want you to be the dad. "I'm babysitting" simply means, "I'm busy being a good friend." You are paranoid and it's embarrassing.

As long as we’re being honest Erin, I do want to have a baby – I just don’t want to have a baby with you. You’re pretty much just my sex tap until something better comes along. Isn’t honesty fun?

18. Stop talking about marrying us until you actually give one of us a ring.

Come on Erin. You and I both know if I didn’t at least feign interest in marrying you the blow jobs would cease and desist immediately. Am I right?

19. Please be aware of how serious and in love you sound. Just say, "I like you," not, "Let's fly to Miami next month." (I thought guys were supposed to be direct.) Sure, it sounds cooler (and less vulnerable) to talk a big game about Miami, but come next month, you won't remember saying anything about Miami.

Come next month I’ll be on to the next thing (meaning not you). So who the hell cares what I do or don’t promise now? Make sense?

20. If a girl has pretty eyes, she has probably heard men tell her that five thousand times. It's fine to repeat the compliment, but you'll make a much bigger impression if you find something else to compliment.

Again with the compliments? Give it a rest already.

21. As far as having children goes, you have the luxury of time. Appreciate it.

First you don’t want kids, then you do want kids. But I’m the one with a communication problem?

22. Taking us for granted is probably the worst thing you could do after cheating and lying. Since women are very good at appreciating each other, your behavior looks kinda selfish to us.

I’m confused – are you suggesting a 3-way with you, me, and another woman? If so I’m in.

23. The word is "cherish." Do you cherish her?

The only thing I cherish is the fact that this article is finally over. It was ill-conceived, poorly written, and terribly executed. Whatever Glamour’s paying you to write this crap is way too much. It did make for some good blog fodder though. Hugs and kisses from the Quinsey Blog.

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