Thursday, August 12, 2010

Questions That Keep Me Up At Night

If you haven’t already figured it out I’m a pretty twisted cat with a fairly jaded view of the world. The things I think about aren’t always appropriate to share but I usually do anyway much to the chagrin of my wife. What follows is a list of (20) random questions that flow through my mind each night while I try to fall asleep, except on the nights when I’ve had too much vodka of course. On those nights I have no idea what thoughts if any rattle around my booze soaked cerebrum. As you read through the list you’ll probably ask yourself a question that my wife asks almost every single day: “What’s wrong with this guy?” My standard answer to her and you is simply this: MANY things. At least you’re not married to me. On to the list:

1) Do fat people feel guilty eating in public?

2) Does everyone have a gift (a good singing voice, the ability to run fast, extreme intelligence, etc.) or are some people just worthless space eaters (like Snooki from Jersey Shore)?

3) Isn't chronic fatigue syndrome really just another word for lazy?

4) Are old and ugly prerequisites to being elected a Supreme Court justice?

5) Am I the only member of the Republican party who can’t stand Sarah Palin? Is it just me or does she sound retarded (or Canadian) every time she opens her mouth? (what’s the difference, eh?)

6) Why do some waiters try to remember your order without writing anything down? Don’t be a hero Chachi - they gave you a pen and pad of paper for a reason – please write down what I ordered so it doesn’t come out all fucked up… again.

7) After dropping a letter in the mailbox at the post office why do people (myself included) feel the need to open and close the door several more times to make sure the letter made it in? (where the hell else would it go?)

8) Am I the only person who wants to throw myself out a window every time a Michael Buble song comes on the radio?

9) In a gay male relationship is one dude always the pitcher and one dude always the catcher or do they trade off nightly, or hourly, or… ? (hold on a second – I think I just threw up a little in my mouth)

10) Would it really be wise to elect a female president considering that once every month all women go completely insane? (PMS = nuclear war) I’m so sleeping on the couch tonight.

11) Is there a parallel universe where Rosie O’Donnell is thin, pretty, talented, and not famous?

12) Am I the only one who likes to huff on tennis balls when they first come out of the can? (God I love that smell) And how do they get enough air in the cans to make that popping sound every time you open one?

13) How can anyone say you’re watching too much TV? It’s like saying you’re having too much fun or too much sex – impossible.

14) Are pro athletes and former pro athletes the only ones who suffer from sex addiction? And do they actually think anyone believes it’s a real sickness when delivering their public apologies?

15) Why the fuck would anyone choose to be a dentist? Putting your hands in other people’s dirty mouths all day – gross. There’s plenty of other ways to make a buck.

16) Why do all French guys always have that gay, Pepe Le Pew look on their face? It makes me want to punch them (I guess the court-ordered anger management therapy isn’t working).

17) Do people who are against illegal immigration realize that without illegal Mexican workers we would have no place to live and nothing to eat?

18) When Asian people view the world does it look like a horizontal iPhone picture?

19) Why do all of Daughtry’s songs sound exactly the same? I used to be a fan until he put out the same song twenty seven times under a different title.

20) Why is a tomato considered a fruit when it tastes so damn much like a vegetable?

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