Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Ode to Las Vegas



Las Vegas might very well be the most intriguing and entertaining city in the whole damn world. With opulent hotel rooms, five star restaurants, top shelf hookers (I’ve been told), and legalized gambling EVERYWHERE, what more could a weary traveler ask for? A place where people don’t judge you for drinking a martini at 8:00 in the morning or 3:00 in the afternoon or anytime in between? Done - hell in Vegas it’s actually encouraged. If Disneyland is the happiest place on earth (for kids) then Vegas is without a doubt the happiest place on earth for adults (ones who like to have fun anyway). That being said Vegas does have its low points. It’s way too fucking hot in the summer time, it’s become a popular hangout for the homeless and destitute, and it kind of smells like a mixture of stale beer and vomit if you wake up too early in the morning (before they’ve had a chance to spray down the sidewalks). In other words it’s a great place to visit but there’s no way in hell I’d ever want to live there. Note to offended residents of Las Vegas: I’m well aware that Vegas is much more than just “the strip” but that’s where I spend my time while I’m there so that’s what this post is about – chill out. What follows is my “Ode to Las Vegas”, inspired by my many trips there over the years starting back in college when I had way less wrinkles and gray hair and than I do now, and when Vegas was way smaller and less occupied than it is now. Enjoy.


Ah Vegas my dark mistress of the night

You sprout up from the desert like a beacon of light

Our affair started off almost 20 years ago

I was young and naive and you stole all my dough

Undeterred by my losses I would come back for more

I was hooked and determined to settle the score

A couple more trips and I soon figured out

You’re about so much more than financial clout

Your slots may be tight but your women are loose

Inhibitions gone wild with the Bombays and juice

While beating the house is no easy feat

Your strippers are affable your hookers discrete

Your food was once crap but is now quite chichi

Cooked in restaurants by chefs who appear on TV

Your hotels are palatial your casinos prolific

I’m hardly ever compelled to tell your dealers to stick it

With so much to offer it’s hard to complain

But your cigarette smoke it drives me insane

So do your old people with their oxygen tanks

And your mesh wearing hillbillies with their overweight skanks

And your Mexican dudes who hand out the porn fodder

And your bums on the bridges selling bottles of water

I digress just a bit but my point don't belie

You’re clearly not perfect and neither am I

But when I want to unleash and forget about life

Leave my problems behind with my everyday strife

There are very few places that I’d rather go

Than Las Vegas, Nevada, my friend and my foe

So though I may curse you and puke on your streets

Hassle your residents and piss in your sheets

The things that I do are done with adoration

For you and your bounty of lust and damnation


Until next time Vegas… I love you.

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