Friday, October 1, 2010

10 Random Questions on a Friday Afternoon

After the touchy feely post I wrote yesterday I felt compelled to go the other direction today. Enjoy.

1) Why do old people smell funny? Are they literally rotting on the inside like a carton of milk past its expiration date? If that’s the case why do they always migrate to cities with warm climates? Don’t they know what happens to milk left out in the sun?

2) Am I the only one who feels like a complete idiot carrying a bag of my dog’s shit on our walks? After he’s done his business and I’ve picked it up I can’t find a trash can soon enough. I see people all the time swinging it around like a tennis racket or a handbag. That’s a bag shit people – not a basket of lollipops.

3) Have you ever noticed how Buzz Aldrin always seems pissed off? Do you suppose he’s still bitter about being the 2nd man on the moon? Can’t be easy playing the role of 2nd fiddle bitch to Neil Armstrong. Just ask Eli what it’s like to be Peyton’s brother?

4) What’s with all the aggressive sales people at mall kiosks these days? Back off Sa'id – I already told you I don’t need any fancy hand lotion and my wife’s not interested in your Euro hair straightening contraption.

5) Why do you always see old couples at restaurants who can go through an entire meal without saying one word to each other? After a certain amount of time being married do people just run out of things to talk about?

6) Why the hell would you ever ask a man what he’s feeling? Would you ask a retarded person what they’re thinking? Can’t take credit for this one – it’s the brain child of the dudes who wrote “Look At My Striped Shirt!”

7) Why do you see so many young, hot chicks with old, ugly, fat guys? Aren’t there more important things in life than money? Just the other day while I was in the airport I saw this attractive young woman holding hands with one of the oldest, ugliest, fattest dudes I’ve ever seen. I was tempted to slip her note that said “Have you been kidnapped? Do you need me to call the police?”

8) Is the anticipation of a vacation sometimes better than the vacation itself? Would this paradigm shift if they banned fat people from beaches?

9) Would Mormons have a higher conversion rate if missionaries looked cooler? Wearing a white, short sleeved dress shirt with a tie while riding a bicycle is like wearing a big sign around your neck that says: “I’m a huge douche - please kick my ass.”

10) How come the North Korean army does the same creepy, straight-legged march as the German Nazis? Is that something they teach at communist school? Don’t they know they could get their faster if they bent their knees?

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