Thursday, December 23, 2010

Thank the Gays

When I was a younger man I was closed minded and ignorant, no question about it. During my college years I worked at a restaurant in a predominately gay part of San Diego called Hillcrest. I specifically remember the arguments I used to have with my homosexual coworkers regarding the righteousness (or lack thereof) of their lifestyle “choice”. My position was that homosexuality is completely unnatural on the basis that two members of the same sex cannot procreate, and therefore it’s not what nature intended. Fortunately I evolved and soon became aware of the pigheaded errors in my ill-conceived judgment. Error #1: People don’t “choose” to be gay – either you are or you aren’t – it’s hardwired into our DNA from birth. (Don’t get me started on bisexuals – that’s a whole other post in itself) Error #2: How do we know that homosexuality isn’t nature’s way of controlling population growth, which would by definition make it every bit as natural as heterosexuality?

Think about it - the earth has a limited amount of natural resources and can therefore only support a finite amount of life for a finite amount of time. Unlike global warming, over-population and the diminishment of earth’s natural resources are two actual problems facing humanity. Perhaps homosexuality was a part of the master plan all along to help keep the population in check, but until only recently has society become enlightened enough to accept it as non-deviant behavior (except in the red states of course where apparently it’s okay to have sex with your cousin but it’s not okay to be gay). If you think about it in these terms the gays are actually doing the rest of the population a favor by jumping on the proverbial reproduction grenade, so that we straights may continue to fill the world with our own judgmental offspring.

Which is brings us to the moral responsibility of all parents, and I cannot express the importance of this enough. It’s 2010 people - we’re just 2 short years from being introduced to the 4th dimension of space and time (allegedly). During this the season of giving please, please, please teach your children not to be threatened by, to hate, or to forsake the gays, but instead teach them to tolerate, accept, and even thank the gays. Yes - they take part in the love that dare not speak its name, but open your mind and you’ll see that gays are entitled to the exact same rights to life, love, and happiness as everyone else in this crazy, mixed up world. If anything the gays actually deserve more rights as they’re not part of the serious over-population problem facing the world today, but instead they’re part of the solution. It’s just too bad there aren’t more Chinese gays (1 out of every 5 babies born in the world today is Chinese).

And to my homosexual coworkers from the Corvette Diner in San Diego in the early 1990’s I apologize – you were right and I was wrong.

The Quinsey Blog

Thursday, December 16, 2010

10 Things I Hate Most About You

Sitting in the airport on yet another flight delay, growing more and more bitter and impatient with each passing announcement. When I was younger I actually used to enjoy business travel – the excitement of experiencing a new city with new people, new hotels, and new restaurants. Now that I’m older and wiser I see it exactly for what it is – a big fucking (yet necessary) drag. The casual traveler might think that the worst part of travel is the security lines, or the awkward pat downs, or the inevitable winter time flight delays. But the savvy business traveler knows full well that the absolute worst part of traveling isn’t any of those things, but instead the other travelers themselves. What follows is my list of the 10 things I hate most about you, fellow occupier of the not-so-friendly skies (you know exactly who you are):

1) I hate it that your boarding pass clearly states B19 yet you insist on standing shamelessly in the B11 – B15 section intentionally holding your boarding pass face down, hoping no one will discover that you’re a miserable fraud (if I get stuck in a middle seat because of you I swear you’re fucking dead).

2) I hate it when you board the plane and ask me a stupid question you clearly already know the answer to: “Excuse me sir, but are you saving that seat for someone?” (no genius – I just put my bag there for the fuck of it – beat it, fatty)

3) I hate it that your carry on is the size of a small country yet you insist on squeezing it into the overhead compartment (oh no problem dude, that’s just my suit coat you just smashed into the back of the overhead – I’m sure it won’t be wrinkled at all when we land).

4) I hate it when you flash a judgmental look in my direction after I order an alcoholic beverage at 7:00 in the morning (hey lady – it’s the end of the quarter, I’m all fuckin stressed out, and it’s just one drink so back the fuck off, alright?)

5) I hate it when you wear so much freaking perfume that it makes my eyes water and my head hurt (I know you think you’re doing everyone on the plane a favor by trying to conceal your gross, old lady smell but I’ll take stinky old person over vomit inducing combo of floor cleaner, mouth wash, and air freshener any day of the week).

6) I hate it when you recline your seat so far back that you’re essentially laying in my lap (here’s a tip – if I can see the hairs inside your nose you’re too fucking close to me).

7) I hate it that you insist on talking my ear off for the duration of the flight even though I gave you no opening to start talking to me in the first place and haven’t even slightly feigned interest in a single, stupid word you’ve said the entire trip (news flash: when someone has ear phones in and deliberately avoids making eye contact with you at all costs, it’s probably a good idea to leave them the fuck alone).

8) I hate it when you fall asleep and involuntarily lean your dirty head on my shoulder (if I slap you across the face as hard as I can to wake you up please don’t take it personally).

9) I hate it that when the plane pulls into to the gate and the fasten seat belt sign goes off, you bum rush the front of the plane like it’s black Friday at Walmart (yo jackass – sit the fuck down and wait your turn until EVERYONE in front of you has exited their rows – why do I even need to tell you this?)

10) I hate it that once you spot your luggage in baggage claim you sprint up to the carousel in a panic, rip off your ridiculously large suitcase in an adrenalin induced moment of super human strength, and in the process take out the five people standing immediately nearest to you (you do realize that if you miss it on the first go round your luggage will come back again on the very next rotation, right?)

I realize you have a lot of choices for air travel and hope that in the future you consider behaving like a decent human being before ever getting on my flight again.


The Quinsey Blog

Thursday, December 2, 2010

LPGA Opens Huge Can of Worms

Let me preface this post by stating that I care about professional women’s golf just about as much as I care about professional women’s basketball, and I care about professional women’s basketball only slightly less than I care about professional women’s softball (have you seen Jennie Finch?). That said I just had to chime in on this recent change in LPGA tour policy.

The LPGA's players voted Tuesday to allow transgender women golfers a chance to play on the tour by amending the organization's constitution and removing the "female at birth" requirement. The vote came at a meeting ahead of the LPGA Tour Championship, which starts Thursday at Grand Cypress Golf Club in Orlando (which no one including myself will be watching). The change followed a lawsuit filed by a transgender woman over the "female at birth" requirement. Lana Lawless, a 57-year-old who underwent gender reassignment surgery in 2005, filed the lawsuit in U.S. District Court in San Francisco (where else?) in October, claiming the policy violates California civil rights laws. Lawless won the women's world championship in long-drive golf in 2008 (duh – she’s a dude), but was barred from competing this year because Long Drivers of America -- which oversees the event -- had changed its policy to mirror that of the LPGA.

I’m going to sound callous and insensitive here, but what the fuck, several of my recent posts have been on the touchy, feely side and I think I’m more than overdue for some inappropriate honesty so here goes. Just because you’ve had your junk clipped, a pair of fun bags bolted on, and try like hell to conceal your Janet Reno man-voice, that doesn’t mean you’re a lady, Lana. And the last time I checked the LPGA still stands for LADIES Professional Golf Association. What the hell were those nags thinking? I can hear the crazy wheels turning already. There’s probably at least a half dozen over-zealous male golf pros out there (who weren’t quite good enough to cut it on the men’s tour – no pun intended) contemplating hacking off their junk to make another run at glory on the women’s tour. Not to mention all the misguided souls who flamed out in other sports. Whether it was their intention or not those dimwits on the LPGA tour just opened up a huge can of worms and allowed nut jobs across the world to make a full fledged assault on professional women’s sports.

Do I think Lana Lawless (love the irony in his/her last name) is a hermaphroditic freak show? Sure, a little (don’t judge me - I grew up in east county), but I’m all for civil rights and I firmly believe that everyone including transgenders deserves equal rights and treatment under the law. I also happen to think that Mr./Ms. Lawless’ lawsuit is an egregious abuse of the civil rights system, and that by allowing a former man to participate in a professional woman’s sport we’re granting him/her greater than equal rights under the law. If Lawless is so intent on playing professional golf perhaps he/she should start their own transgender tour – the TPGA (wonder what tees they’d hit from?).

We all know exactly why the LPGA players voted in favor of this policy change. You’re all thinking it so I’ll go ahead and say it. Most of the players on the professional women’s tour are gay (or at least they sure look that way) so they’re naturally more sensitive to the plight of transgenders and the difficulties they face fitting in. That said it should come as no surprise that they voted to include transgender women on the tour. The problem is transgender women aren’t really (biologically speaking) women at all. It’s hard to believe they could be so short-sighted and not consider the impact this policy change would have on not just professional women’s golf but professional women’s sports as a whole.

Well done LPGA - and you thought the ratings were bad before.