Thursday, December 16, 2010

10 Things I Hate Most About You

Sitting in the airport on yet another flight delay, growing more and more bitter and impatient with each passing announcement. When I was younger I actually used to enjoy business travel – the excitement of experiencing a new city with new people, new hotels, and new restaurants. Now that I’m older and wiser I see it exactly for what it is – a big fucking (yet necessary) drag. The casual traveler might think that the worst part of travel is the security lines, or the awkward pat downs, or the inevitable winter time flight delays. But the savvy business traveler knows full well that the absolute worst part of traveling isn’t any of those things, but instead the other travelers themselves. What follows is my list of the 10 things I hate most about you, fellow occupier of the not-so-friendly skies (you know exactly who you are):

1) I hate it that your boarding pass clearly states B19 yet you insist on standing shamelessly in the B11 – B15 section intentionally holding your boarding pass face down, hoping no one will discover that you’re a miserable fraud (if I get stuck in a middle seat because of you I swear you’re fucking dead).

2) I hate it when you board the plane and ask me a stupid question you clearly already know the answer to: “Excuse me sir, but are you saving that seat for someone?” (no genius – I just put my bag there for the fuck of it – beat it, fatty)

3) I hate it that your carry on is the size of a small country yet you insist on squeezing it into the overhead compartment (oh no problem dude, that’s just my suit coat you just smashed into the back of the overhead – I’m sure it won’t be wrinkled at all when we land).

4) I hate it when you flash a judgmental look in my direction after I order an alcoholic beverage at 7:00 in the morning (hey lady – it’s the end of the quarter, I’m all fuckin stressed out, and it’s just one drink so back the fuck off, alright?)

5) I hate it when you wear so much freaking perfume that it makes my eyes water and my head hurt (I know you think you’re doing everyone on the plane a favor by trying to conceal your gross, old lady smell but I’ll take stinky old person over vomit inducing combo of floor cleaner, mouth wash, and air freshener any day of the week).

6) I hate it when you recline your seat so far back that you’re essentially laying in my lap (here’s a tip – if I can see the hairs inside your nose you’re too fucking close to me).

7) I hate it that you insist on talking my ear off for the duration of the flight even though I gave you no opening to start talking to me in the first place and haven’t even slightly feigned interest in a single, stupid word you’ve said the entire trip (news flash: when someone has ear phones in and deliberately avoids making eye contact with you at all costs, it’s probably a good idea to leave them the fuck alone).

8) I hate it when you fall asleep and involuntarily lean your dirty head on my shoulder (if I slap you across the face as hard as I can to wake you up please don’t take it personally).

9) I hate it that when the plane pulls into to the gate and the fasten seat belt sign goes off, you bum rush the front of the plane like it’s black Friday at Walmart (yo jackass – sit the fuck down and wait your turn until EVERYONE in front of you has exited their rows – why do I even need to tell you this?)

10) I hate it that once you spot your luggage in baggage claim you sprint up to the carousel in a panic, rip off your ridiculously large suitcase in an adrenalin induced moment of super human strength, and in the process take out the five people standing immediately nearest to you (you do realize that if you miss it on the first go round your luggage will come back again on the very next rotation, right?)

I realize you have a lot of choices for air travel and hope that in the future you consider behaving like a decent human being before ever getting on my flight again.


The Quinsey Blog

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