Friday, January 28, 2011

The 10 Most Annoying Things People Do On Facebook

I’m embarrassed to admit this but I go on Facebook a lot… like twice a day. Okay I’m lying… it’s like ten times a day, maybe more. I can’t stop myself. Every time I sit down in front of the computer or have a few free minutes on my phone I’m compelled to log on and see what’s going on with my Facebook peeps. Pretty pathetic I know. If I had more of a life I probably wouldn’t care so much what’s going on with my Facebook peeps but I don’t so I do. Sue me. That said there are certain things people do on Facebook which annoy the living crap out of me. None of these behaviors are ‘unfriendable’ offenses per say but annoying none the less. What follows is my list of The 10 Most Annoying Things People Do on Facebook: (feel free to add to the list by leaving a comment)

#10: Understating how often you’re on Facebook. I hate it when someone sends me a note on Facebook and begins it with “I’m almost never on Facebook but…” Come on dude –you know you wouldn’t be saying that if you weren’t on Facebook like all the fucking time, which makes you equally as pathetic as me and everyone else – own it.

#9: Intentionally posting unnecessary information in your status updates to let everyone know how successful you are. “I’m at the Mercedes Benz dealership getting my S-class serviced.” “Heading back to our beach house in Malibu to drink wine and enjoy the ocean view.” “Just checked in at the Ritz Carlton Ka’anapali – we splurged and went for the presidential suite.” It’s shameless and completely transparent people. Whether your intention is to make us jealous or just make us hate you mission accomplished on both fronts.

#8: Putting almost no personal information in your profile. How the hell am I supposed to cyber stalk you if I know nothing about you? Seriously we haven’t talked in like twenty years and all you’re giving me is that your home town is El Cajon and you’re a fan of Groupon? What the hell is that? If this Facebook relationship is going to work out I need more from you. Tell me about your education, your career, your family, your hobbies and interests, and your hopes and dreams. Paint me a vivid picture of exactly how your life turned out so I can compare it to mine and see who wins.

#7: Instant messaging with the Chat function. Every time I hear that ping and see an instant message pop up in the bottom right corner of my Facebook screen my sphincter clinches up. Ah fuck – which one of my long lost “friends” wants to talk now? I knew I never should have accepted that guy’s friend request. You see the best part about social networking is that it’s passive networking. You can reconnect with someone from your past without ever actually connecting with them. Why would you want to go and ruin a beautiful paradigm like that by ambushing someone with an instant message?

#6: Using the “LOL” acronym too much. Somewhere along the line people must have forgotten what LOL stands for. I’m at the car wash – LOL. The dude sitting next to me has really bad breath – LOL. Is it Friday yet? LOL. Enough already with the LOL’s folks. It’s not a period you put on the end of every sentence. In case you’ve forgotten LOL stands for Laugh Out Loud. So unless you’ve written something that literally makes me want to Laugh Out Loud (which is highly unlikely) shut it down.

#5: Gratuitous posts to make you seem like a better person than you really are. Right around January 1st it’s not uncommon for people to post their New Year’s resolutions on Facebook. I get it – posting a resolution for all to see creates accountability and makes you more likely to stick to it. This past January however one of my “friends” crossed the line. She posted that her New Year’s resolution is to “volunteer more”. Volunteer more? Are you fucking kidding me? What kind of resolution is that? What are you Mother fucking Theresa? Nobody’s buying it bitch so why don’t you stop lying and just go on a diet like everyone else.

#4: Untagging pictures of yourself. Do you think it’s easy to capture a super embarrassing shot of your “friends”, especially as we get older and do less and less stupid shit to be embarrassed about? If I happen to catch you in an embarrassing pose and am then thoughtful enough to share that image with the Facebook world at least have the decency to not untag yourself. As the song goes: “It ain’t no fun if the homies can’t have none…”

#3: Trying to be deep and profound. I hate it when people post shit in their status update like: “A man’s greatness is not defined by his accomplishments alone but by the accomplishments he inspires in those around him.” I literally just made that crap up right now – it took no more than 10 seconds. Here’s the thing - if I wanted to be inspired by deep and profound thoughts I’d look to the words of people like Martin Luther King, Jr. or Winston Churchill. I would NOT look to the status update of my old high school buddy from Ohio who sells paper products for a living (not that there’s anything wrong with Ohio or selling paper products for a living).

#2: Bragging about your kids. Your kid could be a scratch golfer by age 6, a Rhodes Scholar by age 8, and an Olympic gold medalist by age 10 (if she’s on the Chinese gymnastics team), and you know what? I still don’t want to hear about any of it on Facebook. One of my wife’s “friends” recently posted a picture of her kid with the caption: “Bobby (name changed to protect the innocent) on a field trip with his fellow Gate students. Bobby has an insatiable thirst for knowledge so the Gate program has been a real blessing for him.” Excuse me but I just threw up inside my mouth. Is it wrong to want to punch her in the face for posting that?

#1: Being a shameless self promoter. More than anything else I absolutely cannot stand it when people post links to content they’ve authored. Yo dude - is your blog so fucking bad that no one will read it unless you constantly post links to it on Facebook? That’s a rhetorical question – don’t answer that.

If after reading this post you want to ‘unfriend’ me, I understand completely and won’t hold it against you.


The Quinsey Blog

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