Tuesday, January 18, 2011

A Letter To New York Jets Head Coach Rex Ryan

Dear Rex,

I know things between us didn’t end on the best of terms but we’re writing in hopes of reconciliation. Do we still find you completely repulsive? Of course – with that ugly, pock-marked mug, that gelatinous, lard-filled belly, and that brashly hawkish demeanor who wouldn’t? In fact every time we see you on TV we want to throw up inside our mouths. Given your recent appearances with the media however, it’s become glaringly apparent that you need us more than we both thought. That was a nice win on Sunday against Tom Terrific and the Pats but was it really necessary to talk trash for the entire week leading up to the game? Sean Payton, Mike Tomlin, Tom Coughlin, Tony Dungy, Bill Cowher, and even the “Hoodie” himself (Bill Belichik) have all won Superbowls (the last 7 in fact). And guess what? Not a single one of them talked trash during their respective playoff runs. You on the other hand haven’t won shit, but there you are spouting off about how great your team is and how much you dislike your opponents. I know you’re trying to be funny but we both know that humor is your defense mechanism and that you’re really crying on the inside. Maybe if you spent as much time putting together game plans as you did stuffing that disgusting pie hole full of hot dogs and pastries you wouldn’t be so insecure, and subsequently feel the need to lash out at the world like a frightened child (a really, really fat child to be sure). What's really sad is that somewhere deep beneath all that lard and bravado is a little boy who fell in love with football because it’s a beautiful sport. But now you’re making it ugly for all of us with your utter lack of sportsmanship and that grotesque feed bag you call a chin (it literally looks like someone strapped a skin colored inner-tube around your face). Please give us a call to discuss reuniting before it’s too late. We can likely put together a plan to help salvage your rapidly deteriorating reputation, and we might even be able to help avert the inevitable certainty of a massive heart attack. We look forward to your prompt response.


Class, Tact, and Good Health

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