Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Charlie Sheen: Living Proof That It’s Possible To Envy And Pity Someone At The Very Same Time

By now everyone’s seen the manic television interviews with the bizarre quotes (“I’m a winner man”, “I’ve got tiger’s blood”, "I’m a frickin rock star – you can’t hang with me the door’s right over there”, etc.). It’s all part of the self-initiated Charlie Sheen whirlwind publicity tour. Is he a hopeless narcissist? Sure. Is his lifestyle non-traditional? Uh huh. Is it strange that he has two twenty-something live in girlfriends (one a porn star, the other a model)? Yeah. Is he most likely on some sort of drug/s even though he recently produced records of a clean drug test? Yup (you think $1.8 million per episode can’t buy a clean drug test?). That said I’m not sure whether to envy him or pity him?

The facts:

a) He’s filthy stinking rich: he makes $1.8 million per episode of “Two and Half Men” and has been the star of numerous hit movies over his 20+ year career.

b) He’s extremely talented: his comedic timing is second to none and a true thing of beauty (regardless of what drug/s he’s on).

c) He’s always done well with the ladies: case in point ex-wife Denise Richards and his two twenty-something (allegedly) live in girlfriends who he affectionately refers to as the Goddesses (Daddy issues anyone?).

d) He’s arguably one the most famous, high-profile television actors of all time: how many million people have tuned in to watch the surreal television interviews? Enough said.

Any one of those things (wealth, talent, women, fame) on their own would be enough to make most men happy for a lifetime, and Sheen’s got ALL four that lucky bastard. In baseball terms (the sport he loves most) his life is a walk-off grand slam in game 7 of the World Series. For all these reasons I envy him. How can you not?

For every other reason… I pity him. Seriously - he’s like a slow motion train wreck unfolding before our eyes, and no matter how hard we try we can’t turn him off. It’s just good clean entertainment, am I right? After watching more interviews than I care to admit I’ve come to one inalienable conclusion: Dude’s straight fucking crazy. He’s lost it. He’s flipped his lid. He’s cracked up. He’s bonkers. He’s coo coo for cocoa puffs. But that’s okay because he’s WINNING. Just ask him and he’ll tell you. I'd be curious to know when the definition of winning was broadened to include things like snorting down copious amounts of reality altering drugs, telling your boss to piss off on a public stage, and allowing a misguided pair of under-aged prostitutes to raise your kids. The worst part is that he doesn’t even see a problem with the way he’s living his life (his Hollywood estate is like a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah). On the other hand it must be nice to completely not give a shit about anything or anyone, and to live every moment of your life with the singular goal of pleasuring one’s self… and the envy creeps back in. So you see my dilemma. Envy? Pity? A very fine line indeed. Oh well, I’m sure it will come to me some day while I’m winning on a rocket ship straight to Mars.

In closing I’d like to extend a heartfelt thank you to Charlie Sheen’s publicist, Stan Rosenfield, for quitting. Had he not we surely never would have experienced this important moment in history.

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