Monday, April 18, 2011

Confessions of a Seriously Flawed Individual



If you’re a regular reader of this blog I’m sure it’s become quite evident that I’m a far from perfect human being. My judgment is lacking, my opinions are polarizing, and my filter is well, non-existent. I often wonder if there are more people in the world like me or more people in the world like my wife, who is my moral superior in every way imaginable. Below is a list of some of my most recent offensive behaviors (only the ones I’m willing to share). After you read through the list check the key at the bottom of this post to see which category you fit into. Be honest with yourself. For as James A. Garfield once said: “The truth will set you free, but first it will make you miserable.”

1) My 11-year old son had a bad case of strep throat last week. Per doctor’s orders he had to stay home from school on both Tuesday and Wednesday. We had an important baseball game on Tuesday night and I made him play anyway, much to the chagrin of my wife. What can I say - he’s one of our best hitters and I really wanted to win. Does this make me a bad Dad or a great coach?

2) Yesterday at the gym I saw a guy I used to work with a couple years back. He was a complete douche and I really didn’t want to talk to him so I pretended not to see him. He noticed me right away and tried to make eye contact several times, but I wouldn’t have it. I kept my head down, made it through my work-out, and got the hell out of there without having to partake in an agonizing conversation. Should I feel guilty or justified? (please note before you decide: I wasn’t the only one who thinks he’s a tool)

3) After the recent daylight savings time change I decided not to update the clock in my car. It’s a new car and I HATE reading owner’s manuals so I decided to wait for the time to change back in October, then the clock would once again be correct. My wife discovered this egregiously apathetic plan and was appalled – she flipped through the manual and had the clock updated in about 10 seconds. She then said I might be the laziest person on the planet.

4) I strongly believe the phrase “happy fat person” is an oxymoron. Look - nobody wants to be fat and the only thing standing in anybody’s way of not being fat is laziness and a lack of will power. I recently shared this philosophy while eating lunch in the company of a fat person and man were they pissed. A push in the right direction or an unnecessary dose of wrong sauce?

5) About a week ago I was at a body shop getting an estimate to fix my car and it struck me. In certain instances there seems to be a very fine line between high profile and low profile professions. For instance the difference between a heart surgeon and an auto mechanic is negligible if you really think about it. One fixes cars while the other fixes bodies (regardless of how much money was spent on their respective educations). I shared this observation with one of the mechanics and he was severely offended – apparently he thought I was trying to demean him with sarcasm (which was absolutely not my intention). I now wonder if this viewpoint shows too much respect to mechanics or too little respect to surgeons?

6) Last week at the airport I saw a dude wearing a turban and secretly hoped he got screened by security. A logical concern on my part or my East County roots rising to the surface yet again? (619 baby)

7) The other day at the mall I witnessed an old lady screaming at one of those pushy kiosk dudes (I hate those greasy bastards) - he apparently tried to rub some European wrinkle cream on her hand without permission. Am I the only one who gets a sick pleasure out of awkward public confrontations? Try as I might I just couldn’t look away until the altercation was completely over. She really let him have it.

8) Yesterday at the grocery store my bill at checkout was $14 and change (I only needed a couple items). I gave the clerk a $20 bill and instead of giving me back a $5 with change he inexplicably handed me back the same $20 I had just given him along with the change. I kept my mouth shut and left the store with $15 in free groceries. Is my inaction in this scenario the same thing as stealing? Speaking of stealing I forgot my head phones for a flight the other day. JetBlue offers $2 headphones at the gate via the honor system. You drop $2 in the box and take out a pair of headphones. All I had was $20’s and there was nobody around to make change, so I pretended to drop money in the box and took out a pair of headphones without paying (don’t judge me – it was a long flight and I really wanted those headphones).

9) The guy sitting next to me on the flight wore an eye patch and it took everything in my power not to say “Aargh, Ahoy Matey!” when he first sat down. Why did my mind go straight to “aargh” instead of empathy for his ailment? I know - I’m such an asshole.

10) Back to stealing. While shopping at the grocery store I let my kids eat doughnuts from the bakery section. By the time we made our way to checkout they had finished the doughnuts (and all evidence had been consumed). I therefore opted not to tell the clerk about the doughnuts (free doughnuts taste so much better than the ones you have to pay for). So I actually made out with about $17 worth of free groceries - not $15. If the wrong person reads this I’m so going straight to jail.

And there you have it – a week in the life of a seriously flawed individual. Check the key below to see how you measure up.

Key:

• If you’ve been guilty of 7 or more of these impertinent behaviors I’ve got some bad news for you - you’re just as twisted as me.

• If you’ve committed 4-6 of these moral infractions look out - you may be on the road to wretchville.

• If you’ve committed 1-3 of these transgressions take heart - there’s still time to save your wayward soul but you must repent immediately.

• If you’ve never been guilty of any of these misdeeds congratulations - you’re officially nominated for Sainthood (along with my better half).

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