Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Creepiest Adult Behaviors

I spent a day in downtown LA (or the zombie zoo as I like to call it) last week and was reminded of just what a freak show the world can be. Angry Raider fan (who you NEVER want to make eye contact with) looking for trouble, crazy homeless dude reciting T.S. Eliot, smelly Euro couple chain smoking as they snap pictures of graffiti plagued land marks... and that’s just what I saw on the one block walk from the parking garage to my meeting. Which got me thinking about society as a whole and the socially deviant behaviors of even the most seemingly normal individuals. What follows is a list of the “Top 10 Creepiest Adult Behaviors” (in no particular order of creepiness). Feel free to leave a comment adding to the thread, as I’m confident my list has only begun to scratch the surface.

1) Excessively collecting random shit: Who-o-o, Who-o-o, Who-o-o’s crazy? Um, this bitch.

2) Men who wear nightgowns: Nice nightie Chachi. Did it come with a pair of fruit boots, too?

3) Performing with reckless abandon at karaoke bars: My ears are bleeding sweetheart. Please put the microphone down.

4) Grown men who wear baseball gloves to stadiums: Come on baldy, you actually took the time to bring your damn glove to the game but then let the guy with bare hands grab the ball? Double fail.

5) Wearing matching outfits (under any circumstances): I… um… uh… I got nothin. Speechless.

6) Dudes with earrings: Even a dude as pretty and British as you has no business wearing jewelry on his ear lobes.

7) Getting overly intense at rock concerts: Don’t freak out screamer but I think the guy on your right might be a serial killer.

8) Wearing sports jerseys as everyday apparel: Put your hands down chief. We all know who's the biggest douche in the room.

9) Guys who say “Okey Dokey”: One part gay, one part nerdy. Two parts CREEPY.

10) Referring to yourself in the 3rd person: “Jimmy played pretty well. Jimmy’s got some new moves. Check Jimmy out.” Instant classic.

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Biggest D-Bag of the Month Award

In this corner, weighing in at 89 years old and hailing from Oakland, CA, the man who unsuccessfully predicted the end of the world (for the 3rd time), radio broadcaster / cult leader Harold Camping.

And in this corner, weighing in at 62 years old and hailing from the most pathetic country in the world (France), the man accused of raping a New York City hotel maid, (soon to be former) IMF Chief / presidential candidate Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

The contenders:

Harold Camping boldly predicted the world would come to a fiery end on May 21, 2011. It didn’t. He also predicted the world would end on May 21, 1988, and on September 7, 1994. Wrong and wrong again. Leading up to each erroneous prediction many of his “fringe” religious followers invested their life savings to spread the word about the world’s demise (I’m sorry but anyone dumb enough to believe this freak deserves to be broke). Camping’s response to being wrong AGAIN? "On May 21, this last weekend, this is where the spiritual aspect of it really comes through. God again brought judgment on the world. We didn’t see any difference but God brought Judgment Day to bear upon the whole world. The whole world is under Judgment Day and it will continue right up until Oct. 21, 2011, and by that time the whole world will be destroyed,” he proclaimed in his first television interview since the botched prediction. Oh I get it - so May 21st was just the “spiritual” end of the world – the “actual” end won’t occur for another five months – now it makes perfect sense. And I’m sure you didn’t just make that shit up to cover your ass after May 21 came and went without incident, right Harold? Pretty convenient that the “spiritual” end couldn’t be seen, heard, or felt. Kind of like saying fat people are pretty on the inside or the Easter Bunny is real. Also convenient that you’ll probably be dead before October 21st arrives given that you’re an 89 year old crypt keeper. Hey Nostradamus – give it a rest already. Nobody wants to see your tired, wrinkled, old mug on TV, or hear the pathetic excuses for why your ridiculous predictions failed to materialize.

Dominique Strauss-Kahn (or DSK as he’s known in Europe) allegedly forced a New York City hotel housekeeper to perform oral sex and submit to anal sex, in addition to allegedly attempting to rape her, according to a complaint filed by the office of Manhattan District Attorney Cyrus Vance. What the f*ck DSK, I’m not sure how you guys conduct yourselves over in France, but here in America we take things like forced oral and anal sex pretty seriously. Police say at approximately 1 p.m. on May 15, the hotel housekeeper entered room 2806 at Sofitel in Manhattan -- a luxury $3,000-per-night, multi-room suite -- when Strauss-Kahn allegedly walked out of his bathroom naked and forced himself on the 32-year-old woman. Strauss-Kahn was taken into custody at around 4:30 p.m. as he was sitting in the first-class section of a Paris-bound Air France jet at John F. Kennedy International Airport, just as the doors were closing for takeoff. Just like a Frenchmen to commit a crime then run home to France with his tail between his legs (no pun intended) to hide from the law. So how did police know where to find Strauss-Kahn, you might be wondering? Well, at some point after the maid had informed the hotel and police of Strauss-Kahn's alleged crimes, he called the hotel to get his phone back (apparently he’d left in a hurry – I wonder why?). A hotel security official asked for his location in order to return the phone, and then passed on his location at JFK airport to the authorities. Hey DSK - what do cell phones cost these days anyway? And you were spending how much per night on your luxury hotel suite? So you’re obviously not just a sick pervert, but also a complete dumbass. God bless the French. This incident is not Strauss-Kahn’s first brush with sexual misconduct during his tenure. In 2008 he had an affair with a Hungarian economist and later admitted he made an "error of judgment." French Journalist, Tristane Banon, recently came public with accusations that Strauss-Kahn attempted to rape her during a 2002 interview for her book (when she was just 22 years old). For years he has had a reputation in France as a ladies' man, and has been nicknamed "the great seducer” (more like “the pathetic raper” based on recent events). Strauss-Kahn’s wife, American-born French journalist Anne Sinclair, is in denial about the whole thing. "I do not believe for a single second the accusations leveled against my husband," she said in a statement translated from French (which is ironic considering she’s American-born… I digress). Face it Anne – your husband is a miserable pig-boy who has no respect for women (including you) and can’t keep his dick in his pants.

And there you have it, two crazy old bastards: one with a penchant for predicting rapture, and the other a socially deviant sexual predator. So who’s the bigger d-bag?

And the winner is… DSK in a landslide. Enjoy Rikers Island you cheese-loving piece of shit. Where you’ll be sure to get a proper education in non-consensual blow jobs and butt sex. Like we needed another reason to hate the French.

Friday, May 20, 2011

Top Ten Reasons The World Actually Is Ending Tomorrow

10. Radical right has turned on Newt Gingrich (God forbid he said something to appeal to the sensible middle ground)

9. With over 21 million viewers per episode, “Dancing with the Stars” number one rated show in America (WTF!?)

8. The other day in my car I rocked out to a song from “Pink” (so disgusted with myself – had to pull my own man card)

7. Kirstie Alley referred to as “graceful” (on “Dancing with the Stars” of course – what else?)

6. The “American Idol” finale is down to two contestants who both sing country music and I don’t hate it (yes I watch American Idol – don’t judge me)

5. Arnold Schwarzenegger has baby with woman uglier than him (who knew that was even possible?)

4. Charlie Sheen does something rational (no he didn’t – made that one up for shock value)

3. Sarah Palin says something intelligent (now I’m just f*cking with you)

2. Lady Gaga overtakes Oprah as most powerful person in the entertainment industry in the world according to Forbes Magazine (holy shit - this one is actually true - better watch your ass Gaga – Oprah don’t like being second)

1. Raining frogs spotted off coast of Mexico (run)

Friday, May 13, 2011

Observations From The Edge

Sitting in the airport this morning waiting for my flight I partook in one of my all-time favorite airport pastimes: people watching. I love to study people, pick up on their mannerisms, listen to their conversations, and try to figure out “their stories”. Airports are one of the absolute best places to people watch because you get to observe folks in a stripped down, neutral environment where they have no choice but to be “real”. It’s the perfect nexus of anxiety and anticipation, sorrow and joy, apathy and exhilaration. Business men preparing for important business meetings, college students heading home to see Mom & Dad for summer break, parents absolutely losing it on their kids – you pretty much see it all at the airport. And there I am taking it all in, making snap judgments about people I’ll probably never see again in my whole life. Which got me thinking about the people I do see on a regular basis in my everyday life, and the accompanying social hypotheses I’ve formed about them. What follows is a random sampling of these sociological “theories”, which have no basis whatsoever in legitimate sociology (in case you couldn’t figure that out on your own). If you suspect I might be describing you with any of these ideologies please don’t be offended. Instead be honored that you helped inspire the 125th post of the Quinsey Blog.

“Magical Vagina Complex”

This phenomenon occurs when a woman gives birth later in life than her peers / friends. Her child instantly becomes the center of the universe and she immediately becomes an “expert” on all things motherhood. She can’t have a conversation without referencing her perfect offspring and she’s full of unsolicited advice about proper parenting. She preaches about the merits of natural child birth and breastfeeding, and brags on and on about the rapid development of her child as a result of both. She likely uses cloth diapers (because they’re good for the environment) and her child is most definitely on a strict diet of organic only foods. Here’s the really cute part - she talks to her child and EVERYONE else (including adults) like they’re students in her kindergarten class. A word of advice for annoying baby mamas everywhere: Chill the fuck out. You’re not the first person on the face of the earth to give birth (and certainly not the last). And would you let that kid try a McNugget for Christ’s sake – it’s not going to kill them.

“High School Quarterback Syndrome”

This condition is a direct result of one’s peaking too early in life. Everything came too easily to the victims of this disease (athletics, fitness, women, etc.) so they never acquired a work ethic or took their education seriously enough. “I’m the captain of the football team, who cares about my grades?” or “I’ve already banged half the cheer squad and I’ve got rock hard abs,” are examples of things they would say to themselves during high school. Unfortunately they weren’t quite talented enough to play at the collegiate level and ended up as a construction worker or real estate agent. Those affected by this condition can be characterized by the following: huge beer gut, thinning hairline if not completely bald already, divorced at least once (likely more), good chance they’ve lived with Mom & Dad at some point in past five years, Facebook stalker, make constant references to the “good old days” when they threw winning touchdown in championship game. Memo to all afflicted by HS QB Syndrome: Scoreboard bitches – it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish! (God that felt good)

“Rock and Roll Church Disorder”

This ailment generally affects those who had negative religious experiences as children. “Born again” later in life they rediscover their faith and decide to make God a constant presence in their lives. They likely belong to a church with a huge congregation and a charismatic preacher (cult leader) whose sermons are not unlike rock concerts with loud Christian music and pyrotechnic displays. They say things like, “Hey diddly do neighbor,” and can’t resist the urge to invite EVERYONE they meet to their church. They’re also convinced that President Obama is a Muslim and there’s simply no changing their minds. Here’s something to ponder Rock and Roll Church sufferers: Since when is church supposed to be fun anyway? If you really want to have a good time go to ballgame, or a strip club, or any place else you can find open on a Sunday morning besides church. I’m pretty sure the Big Guy will welcome you into heaven with open arms regardless of how much time you spent in His house during your lifetime (so long as you didn’t murder anyone or root for the Yankees).

“Social Chameleon Sickness”

Folks infected with this malady drastically modify their behavior depending upon which social group they’re with. With some friends they’re a party animal, with other friends a hopeless introvert. They have a completely different personality at work than they do at home, and who the hell knows what they’re like when they’re alone. Sometimes they’re compassionate, other times mean-spirited, sometimes immature, other times urbane - it all depends upon who they’re trying to impress or fit in with. People who suffer from this disorder cannot be trusted and make terrible friends. Their depth of character should also be questioned. A recommendation to the Social Chameleons among us: Grow a fucking spine and figure out who you are before it’s too late. Am I an inappropriate asshole? Sure – but at least I’m consistently inappropriate and assholey.

“Grin Fuck Disease”

This condition often manifests itself in people who are in a position of power. They deliver terrible news with a smile in the hope they can trick you into believing it’s actually good news. Example #1 –Your boss congratulates you with a big promotion in front of all your co-workers. He’s given you a fancy new title with a ton more responsibility at exactly the same pay. He has a huge grin on his face as you get fucked in front of the entire office. Example #2 – Your girlfriend surprises you with a long weekend in the mountains at her parent’s cabin (fun). What she neglects to mention is that her parents will be spending the weekend there too. When you arrive at the cabin to find Mom & Dad she looks at you with a big grin on her face (and at that exact moment you realize you’ve just been completely fucked). Example # 3 – Your doctor gives you a giant grin as he proclaims, "you’re the healthiest 40-year old I've ever seen". He then snaps on a rubber glove and tells you to bend over (a literal ass fucking – the absolute WORST kind of Grin Fuck).

I hope you’ve enjoyed this quick glance inside the mind of a truly twisted individual.

Peace & Love,

The Quinsey Blog

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Bin Laden’s Dead And I’m Left Feeling… Conflicted

When I first saw the news on Sunday night I was surprised. The realization, that after 10 years on the lamb we finally got this piece of shit, led to a quiet, easy happiness (the bottle wine didn’t hurt either). While lying in bed a few hours later I felt guilty for rejoicing in the death of a fellow human being (a severely broken human being to be sure but a human being nonetheless). I woke up on Monday morning with feelings of apathy towards Bin Laden, his death, and the whole f*cking “war on terror” in general. “Got more important things to worry about”, I thought to myself. I turned on the news and was inundated with patriotic images of fans chanting, “USA! USA! USA!”, at the Phillies/Mets game, people dancing in the streets of New York City near Ground Zero, and folks holding up American flags and signs in support of our military on street corners in towns across America. I was hit with a sudden rush of nationalistic pride. My apathy quickly turned to certainty that Bin Laden’s death was an absolute necessity to provide the closure we’ve all yearned for since 9/11. “USA! USA! USA!”, played in my head. I was so moved that I even made a patriotic post on Facebook (which we all know is the only legitimate way to express your emotions in the digital age). I went to work energized and excited. Later in the day I tuned into CNN and saw images of Iraqi’s, Pakistani’s, and Afghani’s burning American flags and cursing America for our callousness. In an instant my patriotism was transformed into a melancholy sadness. “Holy shit – we’re no better than them,” I thought.

I imagine the range of emotions I went through processing the death of Bin Laden are not unlike the range of emotions one would go through during / after a one-night stand with a fat chick (not that I would know). Surprise and confusion at the start, followed by satisfaction and relief during the act, concluding with regret and self-loathing post coital relations. I’m in the regret and self-loathing stage at the moment.

On the one hand I’m filled with respect and admiration for our troops who carried out this brave mission. On the other hand I’m not sure what we really accomplished. So Bin Laden (the devil himself) is now dead. (Bear with me for a corny, mythological analogy) What if Bin Laden was an evil, bearded Hydra in the form of a human being? We cut off the head of the snake but now nine more heads will grow back to take his place. My point being there are a lot of crazy, evil-ass mother f*ckers out there and I’m pretty sure we just pissed them off. How can we rejoice in the death of one evil individual when his death could and likely will trigger retaliations against America? President Obama is a very intelligent man but he’ll soon be up for reelection so he can’t and won’t acknowledge what I’m about to say. Mr. President, with all due respect, when the f*ck are you and the rest of our government going to wake up and realize that the “war on terror” is a war that can’t be won?

At this time I’d like to propose a truce with al qaeda. You stay out in the middle of butt f*ck Egypt where you belong and stop murdering innocent Americans with your cowardly terrorist acts, and we’ll stop hunting down your leaders (with our advanced technology and badass military personnel) and turning them into fish food. Sound fair?

God Bless America – the greatest country in the world.