Friday, May 13, 2011

Observations From The Edge



Sitting in the airport this morning waiting for my flight I partook in one of my all-time favorite airport pastimes: people watching. I love to study people, pick up on their mannerisms, listen to their conversations, and try to figure out “their stories”. Airports are one of the absolute best places to people watch because you get to observe folks in a stripped down, neutral environment where they have no choice but to be “real”. It’s the perfect nexus of anxiety and anticipation, sorrow and joy, apathy and exhilaration. Business men preparing for important business meetings, college students heading home to see Mom & Dad for summer break, parents absolutely losing it on their kids – you pretty much see it all at the airport. And there I am taking it all in, making snap judgments about people I’ll probably never see again in my whole life. Which got me thinking about the people I do see on a regular basis in my everyday life, and the accompanying social hypotheses I’ve formed about them. What follows is a random sampling of these sociological “theories”, which have no basis whatsoever in legitimate sociology (in case you couldn’t figure that out on your own). If you suspect I might be describing you with any of these ideologies please don’t be offended. Instead be honored that you helped inspire the 125th post of the Quinsey Blog.

“Magical Vagina Complex”

This phenomenon occurs when a woman gives birth later in life than her peers / friends. Her child instantly becomes the center of the universe and she immediately becomes an “expert” on all things motherhood. She can’t have a conversation without referencing her perfect offspring and she’s full of unsolicited advice about proper parenting. She preaches about the merits of natural child birth and breastfeeding, and brags on and on about the rapid development of her child as a result of both. She likely uses cloth diapers (because they’re good for the environment) and her child is most definitely on a strict diet of organic only foods. Here’s the really cute part - she talks to her child and EVERYONE else (including adults) like they’re students in her kindergarten class. A word of advice for annoying baby mamas everywhere: Chill the fuck out. You’re not the first person on the face of the earth to give birth (and certainly not the last). And would you let that kid try a McNugget for Christ’s sake – it’s not going to kill them.

“High School Quarterback Syndrome”

This condition is a direct result of one’s peaking too early in life. Everything came too easily to the victims of this disease (athletics, fitness, women, etc.) so they never acquired a work ethic or took their education seriously enough. “I’m the captain of the football team, who cares about my grades?” or “I’ve already banged half the cheer squad and I’ve got rock hard abs,” are examples of things they would say to themselves during high school. Unfortunately they weren’t quite talented enough to play at the collegiate level and ended up as a construction worker or real estate agent. Those affected by this condition can be characterized by the following: huge beer gut, thinning hairline if not completely bald already, divorced at least once (likely more), good chance they’ve lived with Mom & Dad at some point in past five years, Facebook stalker, make constant references to the “good old days” when they threw winning touchdown in championship game. Memo to all afflicted by HS QB Syndrome: Scoreboard bitches – it’s not how you start, it’s how you finish! (God that felt good)

“Rock and Roll Church Disorder”

This ailment generally affects those who had negative religious experiences as children. “Born again” later in life they rediscover their faith and decide to make God a constant presence in their lives. They likely belong to a church with a huge congregation and a charismatic preacher (cult leader) whose sermons are not unlike rock concerts with loud Christian music and pyrotechnic displays. They say things like, “Hey diddly do neighbor,” and can’t resist the urge to invite EVERYONE they meet to their church. They’re also convinced that President Obama is a Muslim and there’s simply no changing their minds. Here’s something to ponder Rock and Roll Church sufferers: Since when is church supposed to be fun anyway? If you really want to have a good time go to ballgame, or a strip club, or any place else you can find open on a Sunday morning besides church. I’m pretty sure the Big Guy will welcome you into heaven with open arms regardless of how much time you spent in His house during your lifetime (so long as you didn’t murder anyone or root for the Yankees).

“Social Chameleon Sickness”

Folks infected with this malady drastically modify their behavior depending upon which social group they’re with. With some friends they’re a party animal, with other friends a hopeless introvert. They have a completely different personality at work than they do at home, and who the hell knows what they’re like when they’re alone. Sometimes they’re compassionate, other times mean-spirited, sometimes immature, other times urbane - it all depends upon who they’re trying to impress or fit in with. People who suffer from this disorder cannot be trusted and make terrible friends. Their depth of character should also be questioned. A recommendation to the Social Chameleons among us: Grow a fucking spine and figure out who you are before it’s too late. Am I an inappropriate asshole? Sure – but at least I’m consistently inappropriate and assholey.

“Grin Fuck Disease”

This condition often manifests itself in people who are in a position of power. They deliver terrible news with a smile in the hope they can trick you into believing it’s actually good news. Example #1 –Your boss congratulates you with a big promotion in front of all your co-workers. He’s given you a fancy new title with a ton more responsibility at exactly the same pay. He has a huge grin on his face as you get fucked in front of the entire office. Example #2 – Your girlfriend surprises you with a long weekend in the mountains at her parent’s cabin (fun). What she neglects to mention is that her parents will be spending the weekend there too. When you arrive at the cabin to find Mom & Dad she looks at you with a big grin on her face (and at that exact moment you realize you’ve just been completely fucked). Example # 3 – Your doctor gives you a giant grin as he proclaims, "you’re the healthiest 40-year old I've ever seen". He then snaps on a rubber glove and tells you to bend over (a literal ass fucking – the absolute WORST kind of Grin Fuck).

I hope you’ve enjoyed this quick glance inside the mind of a truly twisted individual.

Peace & Love,

The Quinsey Blog

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