Thursday, June 23, 2011

Life Lessons from Bed, Bath, and Beyond

I was running errands with my wife the other day and she needed some things from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. While she shopped for the specific items on her list I wandered around aimlessly (as usual). After browsing through sixteen aisles of useless kitchen utensils and the “as seen on TV section” (I love that shit), I began to notice a trend. It seems to me that manufacturers these days are starting to pander to the inherent laziness in most Americans. And to blind consumers unaware of this nefarious agenda, they market their products under the guise of convenience.

For example I found this gem hidden somewhere amongst the sixteen aisles of useless kitchen shit:

A banana slicer, really? Because cutting a banana with a knife is so difficult?

I found two more examples within the “as seen on TV section” (which I love – did I already mention that?):

Booty-licious. The perfect gift for the flat-butted Caucasian.

A body shaper? No, it’s a f*cking girdle. My great grandmother used to wear those in the 70’s (that time I walked in on her changing is still burned into the back of my corneas – make it stop Nana, make it stop).

I know everyone’s busy and there never seems to be enough time in a day to get shit done, but I fear that products such as these are perpetuating a society full of fat, lazy slugs. Why go to the gym to firm up your ass when you can shove a rubber insert into your pants instead? Why worry about losing weight when you can just hide your muffin tops with elastic nylon and spandex? The lady in the Kymaro Body Shaper infomercial (playing on TV next to display) literally said “you can keep your doughnuts” as part of her sales pitch. How f*cking pathetic is that? The smoke and mirrors approach may be perfectly acceptable in business and politics but this paradigm does NOT apply to health and fitness. Don’t buy into my hypothesis? Take a look around - over the past 20 years the obesity rate in the United States has skyrocketed to a whopping 25%. It’s time to stop buying short cuts people and get your asses to the gym.

Otherwise you could end up looking like this:

Nooooooooo!!! (love you Rosie)

BTW if you’re wondering if I felt like a dumbass snapping pictures of random shit in Bed, Bath, and Beyond the answer is yes, I did.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

New York Yankees Come Out, Declare Selves Gayest Franchise In Sports

BRONX, New York – In a surprising development the New York Yankees have come out and declared themselves the gayest franchise in sports. “We’re here and we’re queer,” exclaimed a reverent Derek Jeter, starting SS and Yankees team captain. Jeter spoke with a deference we haven’t seen since the Yankees last World Series title in 2009, “We’ve been keeping this a secret for far too long. It’s time that the world knows us for who we truly are which is the gayest franchise in professional sports, no disrespect to any of the WNBA teams out there.” When asked about the revolving door of super models and hot movie stars romantically linked to himself and teammate Alex Rodriguez, Jeter responded while winking at Rodriguez, “Only the most elaborate beard ever. A big thanks to the media for helping us pull it off.”

Yankees GM Brian Cashman has often been criticized for having the easiest job in sports given the seemingly bottomless budget he has to work with. A combative Cashman lashed out at reporters, “Do you think it was easy to assemble the most talented group of homosexuals on the planet?” It also wasn’t cheap as the Yankees sport baseball’s highest payroll at $203 million, a whopping $167 million higher than the team with the lowest payroll (the Kansas City Royals). “Give me some f*cking credit for once,” proclaimed an agitated Cashman before exiting the room.

“We can finally drink our post game wine coolers in peace”, exclaimed 1B and MVP candidate Mark Teixeira. He went on to say, “The guys in Texas, Atlanta, and Anaheim (his former teams) just didn’t get me. Here in New York the other players love me, sometimes literally,” he added with a naughty smile.

When asked how he planned to celebrate his 3000th career hit (he’s currently just 6 hits shy of the milestone) Jeter paused to collect himself before responding, “Two words: CIRCLE JERK. It took a full team effort to get me here so I intend to include ALL of my teammates in the celebration.” The team broke into applause before starting pitcher and Cy Young candidate CC Sabathia yelled out in a jovial tone, “I call pivot man – y’all know I have the best arm on the team.” And the most expensive – Sabathia is currently in the 3rd year of a $161 million contract. 2B Robinson Cano grabbed the microphone and playfully declared, “Bears are the best. Watch out Boston - we’ll get Big Papi Bear over here one of these years - you’ll see. Hey hey hey (snapping three times in a Z formation).” Rodriguez interjected, “Don’t be such a queen, Robi.” Which prompted Jeter to retort, “Takes one to know one.” And the whole team broke into spontaneous (gay) laughter.

When asked what comes next for the proud franchise with a record 27 world titles manager Joe Girardi responded, “After we win the World Series for the 28th time I’ve promised these bitches pink alternates.” We’ll all hold our collective breath in anticipation of those beauties.

The New York Yankees, gay as the day is long. Who knew?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Junrey Balawing Declared (New) World’s Shortest Man

SINDANGAN, Philippines — A Guinness World Records representative has declared Junrey Balawing, the son of a poor Filipino locksmith, who measured 23.5 inches tall as the world's shortest man. Is it wrong that I want to swaddle him up and carry him around on my back a la Luke and Yoda?

Guinness official Craig Glenday says Balawing, who turned 18 on Sunday, broke the record of Khagendra Thapa Magar of Nepal, who is 26.4 inches tall. Magar reportedly threw an adorable little temper tantrum upon hearing the news. The announcement drew a loud applause from Balawing's parents and townmates in Zamboanga del Norte's remote Sindangan township in the southern Philippines, who showered the new celebrity with a feast, a cake, balloons and cash gifts. Balawing thanked the crowd and posed for pictures (the cutest pictures EVER).

According to Balawing’s family he was born a normal size and they didn’t notice anything unusual about him until he was about 4 years old and his peers grew more than he did. He has not grown since his first birthday, his parents told Guinness. Hmmm, no growth from years 1 through 4? Seems perfectly normal to me. They are too poor to investigate what medical condition prevented him from growing taller, Guinness said. I'm no doctor but I'll bet you dollars for doughnuts he’s got whatever Webster had (remember that show – I’m tearing up thinking about it). But they call him "their lucky charm," saying his father Reynaldo, a locksmith, had been unemployed until he was born, then found a job after his birth. "He needs my care every minute of every day. Junrey can only walk with some help and he can't stand for too long because he's in too much pain," his mother, Concepcion, said.

He does not have a girlfriend, he told Guinness World Records editor-in-chief Craig Glenday: "You fool!" he chides in his squeaky high-pitched voice, "Don't even ask!" He must be saving himself for Thumbelina. And from the “no shit” department Glenday was quoted as saying, "I can't imagine anyone else being quite so small.” Thanks Craig – that’s simply profound.

Craig Glenday from Guinness got so excited during Balawing's measurement that he almost smashed the little bugger with his fist. "Don't do it, Craig!"

Monday, June 6, 2011

Who Not To Trust

Trust (–noun): reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

Ever since my high school girlfriend dumped me and then lied about the reason why (old boyfriend) I’ve had trust issues. I want to trust people but I can’t. I always assume they’re hiding something or have alterior motives. Don’t get me wrong, the people I'm closest to in my life I trust completely. But that’s a big investment I’m seldom willing to make. Deciding who and who not to trust is a process. Some people can be eliminated immediately at face value. Others take more time to flesh out. What follows is my “top ten list” (again with the lists – I know, I really need to get some new material) of the folks I flat out refuse to trust on principle alone. Am I being a little closed-minded and perhaps unfairly dismissing people I don’t even know? Sure, but as the old proverb goes “lie down with dogs, wake up with fleas”. So why take the chance?

1) People w/ face tattoos

2) Guys w/ girl’s names

3) Anyone over 4’ tall who refers to themselves as a little person (frauds)

4) People who don’t drink

5) Canadians

6) Guys w/ handlebar moustaches

7) People with more vowels in their names than consonants

8) Dudes in raper vans

9) Mexicans who don’t speak Spanish

10) Anyone who would choose books over television

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Transgender Prom Queen?

Andrew Viveros had his wish become a reality when he was crowned McFatter High School's prom queen on Friday night. Viveros, who for the past two years has gone by the name Andii, is a transgender who fought to get his name on the prom queen ballot. He is the first transgender to be named prom queen at a public school in the United States. "I was in shock," Viveros said. "I was just smiling." Viveros received the most votes over 14 girls for the coveted title at the Davie, Fla., technical school. A few students didn't think Viveros should have been allowed to compete for the title and started a petition to get his name off the ballot for prom queen. Viveros, who is also president of the school's Gay-Straight Alliance, wrote a speech to the school board to explain why he had a right to run. "Why would I run for prom king? I'll have to wear a tux, which I'm not going to do," Viveros said. "I'm going to wear an evening gown." The prom king, Juan Macias (pictured with Viveros at top of post), is also a member of the Gay-Straight Alliance (really? I never would have guessed :). Viveros' parents were also proud of their child's accomplishment. He's my child and I'm going to love him no matter what," Viveros' mom, Bernadette Viveros said. Now, Andii hopes his crown and sash helps pave the way for other teens like him. "It can open up doors for others who don't have a lot of encouragement," Viveros said.

Hmmm. Although I’m 100% in favor of gay marriage and for equal treatment under the law for all homosexuals, I have a big problem with a transgender prom queen. If we all go the way of McFatter High School and allow men (I’m sorry but if you have a penis you’re a dude – regardless of what you call yourself or what you wear to the prom) to compete as women, where do we draw the line? Will “tuckers” suddenly be allowed to compete in the WNBA, or on the LPGA Tour, and what about in the Olympics? Who cares about the sexual organs God gave us, right? In this new era of tolerance and enlightenment we should all get to decide what gender we’re going to live (and compete) as. It’s the only “fair” thing to do. Transformational programs like affirmative action and Title IX have afforded all kinds of new rights to minorities and women, so why not afford the same rights to transgenders?

I consider myself a fairly open-minded person but at some point we need to stop the insanity. What the hell were the Davie, FL, school board members thinking allowing a dude to run for prom queen? And what the hell were the students who elected him thinking? The fact that they also elected a homosexual male prom king tells me that they were trying to make a statement. If that was their intention mission accomplished. And the statement they made is loud and clear: while society is an ever-changing and evolving beast, we must be careful not to let taking the moral high ground blur the precarious line between what is right and what is wrong.

Although he is pretty hot (barf).