Thursday, June 23, 2011

Life Lessons from Bed, Bath, and Beyond

I was running errands with my wife the other day and she needed some things from Bed, Bath, and Beyond. While she shopped for the specific items on her list I wandered around aimlessly (as usual). After browsing through sixteen aisles of useless kitchen utensils and the “as seen on TV section” (I love that shit), I began to notice a trend. It seems to me that manufacturers these days are starting to pander to the inherent laziness in most Americans. And to blind consumers unaware of this nefarious agenda, they market their products under the guise of convenience.

For example I found this gem hidden somewhere amongst the sixteen aisles of useless kitchen shit:

A banana slicer, really? Because cutting a banana with a knife is so difficult?

I found two more examples within the “as seen on TV section” (which I love – did I already mention that?):

Booty-licious. The perfect gift for the flat-butted Caucasian.

A body shaper? No, it’s a f*cking girdle. My great grandmother used to wear those in the 70’s (that time I walked in on her changing is still burned into the back of my corneas – make it stop Nana, make it stop).

I know everyone’s busy and there never seems to be enough time in a day to get shit done, but I fear that products such as these are perpetuating a society full of fat, lazy slugs. Why go to the gym to firm up your ass when you can shove a rubber insert into your pants instead? Why worry about losing weight when you can just hide your muffin tops with elastic nylon and spandex? The lady in the Kymaro Body Shaper infomercial (playing on TV next to display) literally said “you can keep your doughnuts” as part of her sales pitch. How f*cking pathetic is that? The smoke and mirrors approach may be perfectly acceptable in business and politics but this paradigm does NOT apply to health and fitness. Don’t buy into my hypothesis? Take a look around - over the past 20 years the obesity rate in the United States has skyrocketed to a whopping 25%. It’s time to stop buying short cuts people and get your asses to the gym.

Otherwise you could end up looking like this:

Nooooooooo!!! (love you Rosie)

BTW if you’re wondering if I felt like a dumbass snapping pictures of random shit in Bed, Bath, and Beyond the answer is yes, I did.

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