Tuesday, June 21, 2011

New York Yankees Come Out, Declare Selves Gayest Franchise In Sports

BRONX, New York – In a surprising development the New York Yankees have come out and declared themselves the gayest franchise in sports. “We’re here and we’re queer,” exclaimed a reverent Derek Jeter, starting SS and Yankees team captain. Jeter spoke with a deference we haven’t seen since the Yankees last World Series title in 2009, “We’ve been keeping this a secret for far too long. It’s time that the world knows us for who we truly are which is the gayest franchise in professional sports, no disrespect to any of the WNBA teams out there.” When asked about the revolving door of super models and hot movie stars romantically linked to himself and teammate Alex Rodriguez, Jeter responded while winking at Rodriguez, “Only the most elaborate beard ever. A big thanks to the media for helping us pull it off.”

Yankees GM Brian Cashman has often been criticized for having the easiest job in sports given the seemingly bottomless budget he has to work with. A combative Cashman lashed out at reporters, “Do you think it was easy to assemble the most talented group of homosexuals on the planet?” It also wasn’t cheap as the Yankees sport baseball’s highest payroll at $203 million, a whopping $167 million higher than the team with the lowest payroll (the Kansas City Royals). “Give me some f*cking credit for once,” proclaimed an agitated Cashman before exiting the room.

“We can finally drink our post game wine coolers in peace”, exclaimed 1B and MVP candidate Mark Teixeira. He went on to say, “The guys in Texas, Atlanta, and Anaheim (his former teams) just didn’t get me. Here in New York the other players love me, sometimes literally,” he added with a naughty smile.

When asked how he planned to celebrate his 3000th career hit (he’s currently just 6 hits shy of the milestone) Jeter paused to collect himself before responding, “Two words: CIRCLE JERK. It took a full team effort to get me here so I intend to include ALL of my teammates in the celebration.” The team broke into applause before starting pitcher and Cy Young candidate CC Sabathia yelled out in a jovial tone, “I call pivot man – y’all know I have the best arm on the team.” And the most expensive – Sabathia is currently in the 3rd year of a $161 million contract. 2B Robinson Cano grabbed the microphone and playfully declared, “Bears are the best. Watch out Boston - we’ll get Big Papi Bear over here one of these years - you’ll see. Hey hey hey (snapping three times in a Z formation).” Rodriguez interjected, “Don’t be such a queen, Robi.” Which prompted Jeter to retort, “Takes one to know one.” And the whole team broke into spontaneous (gay) laughter.

When asked what comes next for the proud franchise with a record 27 world titles manager Joe Girardi responded, “After we win the World Series for the 28th time I’ve promised these bitches pink alternates.” We’ll all hold our collective breath in anticipation of those beauties.

The New York Yankees, gay as the day is long. Who knew?

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