Monday, July 25, 2011

Life Lessons: A Mission Statement (sort of)



I was at Starbucks the other day (okay everyday) and some lady was hogging up the cream/sugar area - had her fat ass parked right in the middle of the stand and was in no hurry to finish up while ten other people (including myself) waited patiently behind / around her to jack up their joe. How long does it take to cream/sugar your coffee anyway? She didn’t even have a fucking coffee – had one of those milkshake concoctions masquerading as coffee (just what her huge ass needed – more empty calories). Anyways it got me thinking about how fucking rude and self-centered people generally are these days (as opposed to the “good old days” I’m always hearing about – which may very well be a myth / urban legend like Bigfoot, UFO’s, and blowjobs after marriage). I digress… where was I again? Oh yeah, it’s not all about you bitch – how about some consideration for your fellow man? As I fixed up my coffee and did my best to give her the stank eye as she exited the building, I started to think about basic things people could do to make life more pleasant for everyone. I then noticed a “mission statement” on the wall of Starbucks and decided I would write a mission statement for living a happier, more fulfilling life. What started out as a mission statement got rather lengthy and soon turned into more of a list. It’s not all encompassing by any means – just a stream of consciousness of simple things people could do on an everyday basis to make life better for them and the people around them. Here's what I ended up with:

Life Lessons: A Mission Statement (sort of)

1) Don’t talk about yourself too much, unless your name’s Oprah you’re not that big of a deal

2) Keep your vanity in check, remember metrosexual is just another word for gay

3) Give people the benefit of the doubt and try to see the good in them (even though sometimes it just ain’t there)

4) Don’t care so much what other people think, embrace your individuality

5) Listen intently when others are speaking, don’t interrupt

6) Be honest with yourself and the people around you

7) Remember: wearing a Bluetooth headset is no different than wearing a nametag that says, Hi my name is… douche bag

8) Practice moderation in all aspects of your life, don’t let one think dominate your existence

9) Think of others before yourself, nobody likes a selfish asshole

10) Don’t forget to spend time with your older relatives, you’ll miss them when they’re gone

11) Always put your wife before your Mom. One can give you a guilt trip, the other can withhold sex – no brainer

12) Be a good friend, call or write for no reason whatsoever

13) Keep the fun lamp lit, if you’re not having any fun what’s the point?

14) Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, but be sure to learn from them when you do

15) Keep an even keel, avoid the high-highs and the low-lows

16) Have opinions but keep them to yourself

17) Use people’s first names on a regular basis, behold the power of acknowledgement

18) Call in sick every once in a while, unless of course nobody will miss you when you’re gone (in that case you better show up early and stay late)

19) Words to live by: just because you can doesn’t mean you should

20) Remove the word “hate” from your vocabulary, unless you’re talking about TJ Simers - I hate that guy

21) Remember that spontaneous road trips are always a good idea

22) Laugh often and look for reasons to celebrate (keep a bottle of champagne in the fridge at all times just in case)

23) Be self aware, know your strengths but more importantly know your weaknesses

24) Lead with actions not words

25) Never tolerate racism, prejudice, or bigotry of any kind, and don’t hang around people who do

26) Don’t fixate on death, live in the moment and appreciate the time you do have

27) Learn to embrace fear, fear more than anything inspires greatness

28) Never feel sorry for yourself or expect anyone else to either (boo fuckin hoo – get over it)

29) Don’t get bogged down in the details, stay focused on the big picture

30) Never make important decisions on Mondays (when you’re too depressed) or Fridays (when you’re too happy)

31) Don’t make excuses or blame others for your problems, own your shit

32) Play the hand you were dealt – never spend time dwelling on the things you don’t have

33) Realize that perfection is a myth

34) Regularly show gratitude to the people around you and don’t be stingy with compliments

35) Experiences trump possessions so don’t be a slave to yours

36) Don’t hit “Reply to All” on e-mail unless it’s appropriate or necessary to do so (which is RARELY the case)

37) Build a portfolio of unique experiences, just because you’re average doesn’t mean you have to live a life full of average experiences

38) Sex tape = bad idea (always)

39) Get informed, ignorance and apathy are very unattractive qualities

40) Give yourself something to look forward to (always have a vacation on the books)

41) Don’t push your lifestyle choices or your religious beliefs on others, if it’s good for you that’s good enough

42) Never become complacent with any aspect of your life

43) Be cautious to give advice, even if somebody asks you for it

44) Don’t ignore your ethnic background but don’t let it define you either

45) Remember: you can never use too many sports analogies

46) Strong body = strong mind, get your sorry ass to the gym

47) Always cook with a cocktail in hand

48) Don’t give more information than necessary, less is more

49) Get outside and experience nature as often as possible, remember cages come in all different sizes and shapes

50) Marry someone who’s your moral superior, it will increase your chances of getting into heaven

In summary just be cool and remember that it’s not all about you.

Now if only I could start following my own advice…

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