Friday, August 26, 2011

Fat hookers, honest politicians, and monogamous ballplayers…

What are things that don’t go together?

Correct, we also would have accepted: things that make you go hmmm.

Which brings me to several recent events in the news that can’t help but make you go hmmm.

First off who goes to Aruba with a creepy, old man they met on the internet? I’m not saying it’s Robyn Gardner’s fault she was murdered (allegedly), but a red flag had to go up when the creeper took out a $1.5 million insurance policy on the life of a traveling companion he barely knew. Furthermore did she not see ANY of the Natalee Holloway case coverage 5 years ago? Aruba has become the Bermuda f*cking triangle for attractive blondes. I really hope they find her, but it’s not looking good.

Next topic - is Michele Bachmann REALLY a legitimate candidate for the GOP presidential nomination? She’s not just crazy folks, she’s bat shit crazy.

Speaking at the EdWatch National Education Conference she said: “Don’t misunderstand. I am not here bashing people who are homosexuals, who are lesbians, who are bisexual, who are transgender. We need to have profound compassion for people who are dealing with the very real issue of sexual dysfunction in their life and sexual identity disorders.”

Let me get this straight. The Catholic Church has come out and said it’s okay with gay marriage yet Bachmann still views homosexuality as a disease requiring treatment? So God’s okay with homosexuality but Bachmann’s not which can mean only one thing… she’s the devil. Don’t vote for her, seriously.

And why is Anthony Bourdain so angry? He recently came out and publicly ripped the beloved chefs of the Food Network.

About Paula Deen he said: "The worst, most dangerous person to America is clearly Paula Deen. She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations and she's proud of the fact that her food is f--king bad for you [...] plus, her food sucks."

That’s Paula freaking Deen dude – she’s the southern grandma we all wish we had. Plus I hear she’s friends with Oprah so you better watch your ass, man.

Lastly did anyone else happen to catch the Parade list of top celebrity earners? Not too many surprises at the top of the list (Oprah Winfrey - $315 million, Beyonce - $87 million, Jay-Z - $63 million, Lady Gaga - $62 million, Sandra Bullock - $56 million), but then I got to Ryan Seacrest, the host of American Idol. Dude made $51 million last year! Holy shit! Ryan f*cking Seacrest! $51 million dollars! Did I read that right? He’s pretty, he’s got a hot girlfriend, he speaks clearly, but $51 million? The Don himself only pulled down a paltry $50 million. Seacrest out-earning Trump? This can only mean one thing… the Apocalypse is upon us. Watch out for raining toads.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Hunting Season Has Officially Opened In The Seychelles, On The Menu: Euros

A shark attack in the Seychelles left a British honeymooner dead and the island nation shaken as family members and local officials coped with the second deadly attack this month. The shark struck on Tuesday while Ian Redmond, 30, snorkeled 20 yards from the shore at around 4:30 p.m. local time, witnesses said. A dingy brought the wounded man ashore alive, but emergency personnel could not save him. Redmond reportedly suffered bites on his legs and chest and lost an arm in the attack.

Earlier this month, a French tourist, Nicolas Francois Virolle, 36, bled to death after a shark attack in the same area, leading to speculation that one animal may be responsible for both incidents. Experts say it is unlikely that the same shark is responsible for both attacks, but it is possible.

Seychelles’ officials rushed to allay fears about the unprecedented second fatal attack in less than a month by calling the animal “foreign.” “The Seychelles is really innocent in this drama,” the country’s tourism board director, Alain St Ange, told BBC News. “It is a foreign shark... it is a rogue shark that has caused a freak accident.” I love how he blames a “foreign shark” for the attacks - as opposed to the local ‘friendly’ ones? (Um yeah - besides their surly temperament, rows of razor sharp teeth, and voracious appetite for live flesh, I’m sure they’re perfectly harmless Alain)

Experts from South Africa were en route to assist the search for the killer shark in wake of the tragedy, which threatens one of the Seychelles’ most important industries, tourism. Prior to August, there had not been a reported shark-related fatality in the Seychelles, famous for its idyllic beaches and pristine waters, since 1963, the BBC reported. So why two attacks within the same month after nearly 50 years of silence? Well, it could indeed be a rogue shark, but I of course have a few other theories:

• They, like any decent human being with even a fraction of good taste, are completely appalled by the sight of speedos (note to Euros at beaches and swimming pools across the world: looking at your junk vacuum packed in spandex will never be anything less than disgusting)

• They were turned off by your snooty Euro accents (Oh yeah, you think you’re better than me? -insert biting sounds here- How you like me now?)

• You were infringing on their personal space (What? You do it at Disneyland, Seaworld, Universal Studios, and every other popular tourist destination I’ve ever visited in the United States, so why not in the Indian Ocean as well?)

• You were stanking up their hood (yes, one shower a week is entirely unacceptable, even for sharks)

• They’re mad as hell and they’re not gonna take it anymore (a la Peter Finch from the 1976 movie “Network” – a classic)

• Hello, they’re flesh eating predators and you were snorkeling during feeding time, dumbass

In summary I have a very hard time feeling sorry for Ian Redmond or Nicolas Francois Virolle. Were their deaths tragic? Sure. Do I feel for their families left behind? Absolutely. But consider this: humans kill upwards of 100 million sharks every year, while sharks kill just a handful of humans each year. We are evil. They are hungry. Can you really blame them? Long live sharks.

Monday, August 15, 2011

How Marriage Differs From Dating: A Dozen Matrimonial Anomalies Exposed

Let me preface this post by stating that I’m married to the most beautiful, intelligent, loving, empathetic, tolerant woman on the planet and I’m lucky to have her. In gambling terms I hit the jackpot. I say this to reinforce the point that I’m 100% satisfied in my marriage. Proactive damage control in case my flower actually reads this? Perhaps but she’s not a fan (of the blog not me) so it’s as much a proclamation of my affirmative stance on marriage as it is a figurative ass kissing. I’m no expert on the subject of dating (met my wife at the tender age of 21 so my dating experience is not nearly as extensive as most) but I do consider myself an expert on marriage (going on 14 years of wedded bliss and counting). I also have a group of friends who stayed single into their late 20’s / early 30’s (there’s even one wily hold-out who shows no signs of blinking – love you Temple), so I do have a fair amount of vicarious dating familiarity to call upon. Add it up and I’ve discovered some vast differences in the relationships of people who are dating versus those who are married, outside of the obvious stuff (the death of blow jobs, chivalry, civility, etc.). Keep in mind as you read through the list that these observations are strictly from a man’s perspective as I don’t even pretend to understand women and I probably never will.

1) In a marriage sex becomes a strange sort of currency that can be bartered to get what you want:

- Foot rub for sex?
- How long are we talking?
- 15 minutes on each foot.
- 10.
- Done.

2) Once married you no longer even try to lie because you know she’ll see right through it. Instead you’re forced to be honest and then police yourself:

How many beers did I have at the game? Um, 8 in the parking lot and then 4 more in the stadium. Do I think that’s excessive? Absolutely, no drinking for me for the rest of the weekend.

3) Post nuptial nights out with your single buddies? Not happening – they’re a “bad influence”

4) The window between the verbal (as in verbal confirmation of sex) and the actual coital relations becomes a tenuous time when you try your hardest to avoid saying anything that will cause your flower to change her mind:

Come on brain you heard her, we’re in – don’t do anything stupid to fuck this up

(Note: I find it best not to talk at all during this fragile timeframe)

5) Zero to crazy isn’t the least bit unsettling (like when you were casually dating) – it’s a normal monthly occurrence

6) Farting and burping out loud is completely acceptable (at least in your mind), unless of course you’re in the verbal sex window (see item #4 above)

7) Once married you find yourself making calculated decisions on what is and isn’t dog house worthy:

Scenario #1: Pre-season game versus couples bridal shower (who does those?)

Your Response: Matching outfits, dear?

Scenario #2: Playoff game versus niece’s dance recital

Your Response: The guest room will be just fine tonight, honey. Go Chargers!!!

8) After marriage listening becomes extremely difficult especially when the TV’s on (seriously it might be a medical condition in my case)

9) You find yourself encouraging girls only trips for your wife and her friends, as jealousy gives way to sweet retribution (translation: girls only trip = guys only trip when she gets back)

10) Foreplay? What’s that?

11) Taking part in activities you have no interest in is now a matter of free will (see item #7 above for definition of ‘free will’):

You got tickets to the ballet? No thanks – take the kids. The guest room bed is actually quite comfortable

12) Taking a stand and winning an argument? Not really worth it. Just tell her she’s right and go for the verbal

Sorry ladies but I’m already taken (my wife is such a lucky woman).