Friday, August 26, 2011

Fat hookers, honest politicians, and monogamous ballplayers…

What are things that don’t go together?

Correct, we also would have accepted: things that make you go hmmm.

Which brings me to several recent events in the news that can’t help but make you go hmmm.

First off who goes to Aruba with a creepy, old man they met on the internet? I’m not saying it’s Robyn Gardner’s fault she was murdered (allegedly), but a red flag had to go up when the creeper took out a $1.5 million insurance policy on the life of a traveling companion he barely knew. Furthermore did she not see ANY of the Natalee Holloway case coverage 5 years ago? Aruba has become the Bermuda f*cking triangle for attractive blondes. I really hope they find her, but it’s not looking good.

Next topic - is Michele Bachmann REALLY a legitimate candidate for the GOP presidential nomination? She’s not just crazy folks, she’s bat shit crazy.

Speaking at the EdWatch National Education Conference she said: “Don’t misunderstand. I am not here bashing people who are homosexuals, who are lesbians, who are bisexual, who are transgender. We need to have profound compassion for people who are dealing with the very real issue of sexual dysfunction in their life and sexual identity disorders.”

Let me get this straight. The Catholic Church has come out and said it’s okay with gay marriage yet Bachmann still views homosexuality as a disease requiring treatment? So God’s okay with homosexuality but Bachmann’s not which can mean only one thing… she’s the devil. Don’t vote for her, seriously.

And why is Anthony Bourdain so angry? He recently came out and publicly ripped the beloved chefs of the Food Network.

About Paula Deen he said: "The worst, most dangerous person to America is clearly Paula Deen. She revels in unholy connections with evil corporations and she's proud of the fact that her food is f--king bad for you [...] plus, her food sucks."

That’s Paula freaking Deen dude – she’s the southern grandma we all wish we had. Plus I hear she’s friends with Oprah so you better watch your ass, man.

Lastly did anyone else happen to catch the Parade list of top celebrity earners? Not too many surprises at the top of the list (Oprah Winfrey - $315 million, Beyonce - $87 million, Jay-Z - $63 million, Lady Gaga - $62 million, Sandra Bullock - $56 million), but then I got to Ryan Seacrest, the host of American Idol. Dude made $51 million last year! Holy shit! Ryan f*cking Seacrest! $51 million dollars! Did I read that right? He’s pretty, he’s got a hot girlfriend, he speaks clearly, but $51 million? The Don himself only pulled down a paltry $50 million. Seacrest out-earning Trump? This can only mean one thing… the Apocalypse is upon us. Watch out for raining toads.

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