Monday, August 15, 2011

How Marriage Differs From Dating: A Dozen Matrimonial Anomalies Exposed

Let me preface this post by stating that I’m married to the most beautiful, intelligent, loving, empathetic, tolerant woman on the planet and I’m lucky to have her. In gambling terms I hit the jackpot. I say this to reinforce the point that I’m 100% satisfied in my marriage. Proactive damage control in case my flower actually reads this? Perhaps but she’s not a fan (of the blog not me) so it’s as much a proclamation of my affirmative stance on marriage as it is a figurative ass kissing. I’m no expert on the subject of dating (met my wife at the tender age of 21 so my dating experience is not nearly as extensive as most) but I do consider myself an expert on marriage (going on 14 years of wedded bliss and counting). I also have a group of friends who stayed single into their late 20’s / early 30’s (there’s even one wily hold-out who shows no signs of blinking – love you Temple), so I do have a fair amount of vicarious dating familiarity to call upon. Add it up and I’ve discovered some vast differences in the relationships of people who are dating versus those who are married, outside of the obvious stuff (the death of blow jobs, chivalry, civility, etc.). Keep in mind as you read through the list that these observations are strictly from a man’s perspective as I don’t even pretend to understand women and I probably never will.

1) In a marriage sex becomes a strange sort of currency that can be bartered to get what you want:

- Foot rub for sex?
- How long are we talking?
- 15 minutes on each foot.
- 10.
- Done.

2) Once married you no longer even try to lie because you know she’ll see right through it. Instead you’re forced to be honest and then police yourself:

How many beers did I have at the game? Um, 8 in the parking lot and then 4 more in the stadium. Do I think that’s excessive? Absolutely, no drinking for me for the rest of the weekend.

3) Post nuptial nights out with your single buddies? Not happening – they’re a “bad influence”

4) The window between the verbal (as in verbal confirmation of sex) and the actual coital relations becomes a tenuous time when you try your hardest to avoid saying anything that will cause your flower to change her mind:

Come on brain you heard her, we’re in – don’t do anything stupid to fuck this up

(Note: I find it best not to talk at all during this fragile timeframe)

5) Zero to crazy isn’t the least bit unsettling (like when you were casually dating) – it’s a normal monthly occurrence

6) Farting and burping out loud is completely acceptable (at least in your mind), unless of course you’re in the verbal sex window (see item #4 above)

7) Once married you find yourself making calculated decisions on what is and isn’t dog house worthy:

Scenario #1: Pre-season game versus couples bridal shower (who does those?)

Your Response: Matching outfits, dear?

Scenario #2: Playoff game versus niece’s dance recital

Your Response: The guest room will be just fine tonight, honey. Go Chargers!!!

8) After marriage listening becomes extremely difficult especially when the TV’s on (seriously it might be a medical condition in my case)

9) You find yourself encouraging girls only trips for your wife and her friends, as jealousy gives way to sweet retribution (translation: girls only trip = guys only trip when she gets back)

10) Foreplay? What’s that?

11) Taking part in activities you have no interest in is now a matter of free will (see item #7 above for definition of ‘free will’):

You got tickets to the ballet? No thanks – take the kids. The guest room bed is actually quite comfortable

12) Taking a stand and winning an argument? Not really worth it. Just tell her she’s right and go for the verbal

Sorry ladies but I’m already taken (my wife is such a lucky woman).

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