Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Beware The Celebridouche

Here’s a litmus test for all celebrities out there. If a given behavior would not be deemed acceptable for a member of the general public, then it’s probably not acceptable for you either. Or is it?

Seriously, do celebrities receive a memo once they’ve reached a certain level of wealth and fame stating that the rules of society no longer apply to them? Welcome to the club: commence the debauchery, depravity, and any other selfish perversity that you so desire. It’s not only tolerated, it’s encouraged.

Let’s look at a few examples:

I recently read that Katy Perry doesn’t allow her chauffeur to look at her in the rear view mirror while he’s driving her around town. If I catch you eye f*cking me one more time I swear to God I’ll strangle you to death with this pointy bra.

Apparently Katy Perry and Barbara Streisand are cut from the same cloth, as Babs notoriously makes hotel workers enter and leave her room backwards, so as not to look at her directly. Turn the f*ck around asshole. I don’t care if you’re bumping into shit. I told you not to f*cking look at me.

Justin Timberlake (who seems like a cool ass dude BTW) apparently has a similar regard for hotel personnel as his staff strictly forbids hotel staff from addressing him under ANY circumstances. What the f*ck did you just say to me? I already told you dude, if you have something to say you f*cking say it to the entourage, not me. Got it, genius?

Don’t get me wrong not every celebrity is a celebridouche (I just made that shit up - trending today on Twitter? #celebridouche – one can dream) but here’s a few who are:

While on set Jessica Alba demands that no one look at her, walk near her, or take her picture. She also refuses to let extra’s eat the same food as SAG members. Hey asshole, are you as pretty as me? Damn straight you’re f*cking not, so put down that sandwich and go eat the ugly people food over there.

Mariah Carey insists that her hotel suite be fitted with gold faucets, a new toilet seat must be installed before her arrival, and her own bed linens are delivered in advance. Also both Carey and her dog will only bathe in French mineral water. What the f*ck, this mineral water’s not from France. I explicitly told you I wanted FRENCH mineral water. And while you’re out fetch me two dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts and a large pepperoni pizza, you incompetent assf*ck.

But the biggest celebridouche of them all? That would be zombie-dude marrying Jennifer Lopez, whose hotel suite MUST be painted and furnished completely in white with white lilies and white roses (her favorite flowers). White candles must also be prominently placed, preferably with Paris perfume, “Diptyque.” Her sheets must be of Egyptian cotton with a thread count of at least 250, and the room temperature must be set to EXACTLY 25.5 degrees Celsius. Hey f*cknut, what does that thermostat say? 25.4? And what did I specifically ask for? Say it with me - twenty five point f*cking five. So f*cking fix it asshole… now!

It really goes beyond the quirks and unreasonable demands though. The celebridouche lives a completely different lifestyle than the rest of us, and is able to get away with shit that you and I could never pull off. Hell - they don’t just get away with it, they’re celebrated for it.

For example Jennifer Aniston (who I have a big crush on) has literally nailed every eligible bachelor in Hollywood. In the real world she’d be considered a round-heeled whore. In the celebrity world though she’s America’s sweetheart.

And what about John Mayer sticking it to 17-year old Taylor Swift (I have no idea how old she actually is but she looks 17)? In the real world he’d be condemned as a pedophile. But in the celeb world? A harmless playboy.

Same story with George Clooney. Dude’s banged pretty much everything not nailed to the floor in Hollywood. He’s a serial f*ck-and-chuck’er. In the celeb world? Only the “sexiest man alive”.

And what about Michael Jackson? When he was alive he was literally a child molester (allegedly). In death however he’s been deified by the very industry he helped build. All hail Saint Michael, we forgive you.

It really doesn’t seem fair that fame and wealth give you a flyer on ethics, morality, and a general respect for your fellow man. But somehow it seems they do.

Once I’m rich and famous can you guess what my thing’s going to be? …Midgets of course (what else?). Hotel managers of the world listen up. There better be a midget butler and maid in every f*cking suite I stay in or I swear to God I’ll go diva on your ass and f*cking shit can the place.

Seacrest out.

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