Monday, October 31, 2011

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Perfect



1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.

2. erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes.

It’s inescapable, there’s something innately narcissistic about writing a blog. The implication being that other people actually care what you think. Some blogs are really good (like this one – you see what I did there?), but most blogs are pretty well, terrible. Housewives spouting on about the daily minutia of their mundane lives, wanna-be critics trying to be paradoxical in their critique of food, music, movies (you name it), ugly chicks giving dating advice on how to land the perfect man, blah blah blah. So what exactly defines the perfect blog then? I’m not precisely sure but I assume the definition would include things like original content, a unique point of view, and good writing (with proper grammar for Christ’s sake). Let’s be honest though, reading a description of the perfect blog would be like listening to a dirty hippie complain about social injustice or watching a fat person take a shower. I’ll therefore go one step further and tell you not what defines the perfect blog but what defines the perfect person. Wait… that would be too easy. My point of view being so unique and all, I think I’ll turn it around and describe not what attributes define the perfect person, but instead what things a person should avoid doing in order to become perfect. Please enjoy this distinctly original content and pay no attention to any slight grammatical missteps, as I sit here and admire myself in the mirror.

• A polo shirt with the collar up? Come on dude – the 80’s sucked during the 80’s, and that was thirty years ago. At least you’d be appreciated in the Eastern Bloc.

• Face paint as an adult under any circumstances? Fail.

• Crocs in public? (never mind, scratch this one – it’s too obvious)

• A mesh tanktop? Really? (saw this dude at the gym last week) See bullet point #1 above, meathead.

• You finally got a job… as a bathroom attendant. God I hate bathroom attendants. Can I please piss in peace, and do you have change for a five?

• Enough with your political beliefs. Do I look like I care?

• Just because I asked how your day’s going, doesn’t mean I really want to know. Hello, discretion.

• A thyroid problem? Right, put down the jelly doughnut and step away from the fridge. You’re not fooling anyone.

• Just because I’m a heterosexual, white male doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy your gay, racial, or sexist jokes… but I might.

• Am I really going to have another drink? You’re damn right I am, don’t judge me asshole. You’re the one with your collar up.

You’re probably scratching your head in bewilderment after that random smattering of advice / observations, but there’s a point in there somewhere. To put it another way don’t dress like a douche, invade other people’s personal space, be overly opinionated, make excuses for your problems, or judge / make assumptions about others based on your own lifestyle choices. If you could avoid doing each of these things, that would be a good start. What? You think it’s easy being perfect? J

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Where The Hell Did The Time Go?

A new film called “In Time” (which opens October 28) takes place in a retro-future where the aging gene has been switched off, and people stop aging at 25 years old. However, stamped on everyone’s arm is a digital clock of how long they have to live. To avoid overpopulation, time has become the currency and the way people pay for necessities and luxuries. The rich can live forever, while the rest try to negotiate for immortality. The film stars Justin Timberlake and has a few other interesting plot twists, but the over-arching theme is the idea of aging and mortality. Which got me thinking…

I’ll turn 38 years old in a couple of months. I definitely look 38 on the outside, but I still feel 18 on the inside (minus the extreme insecurities and placing even an ounce of relevance on what other people think). How can one possibly explain this 20 year disconnect? My wife always says she’s married to a child so perhaps my intellectual immaturity is the source of this physical / mental chasm? I also looked like I was 12 years old deep into college, so maybe in some way this extended period of pubescence altered my personal space / time continuum? (and allowed me to pull very little ass by the way) Or perhaps it’s just one of life’s many cruel realities? Whatever the case may be aging SUCKS. What follows are my top 10 gripes about getting old:

10) I’m sexually invisible to anyone under the age of 25. Don’t think I don’t notice you not noticing me, sweetheart. That’s right, just keep on walking while I cry myself to sleep on the inside.

9) Wrinkles (specifically crow’s feet in my case). If I had a time machine and could go back to when I was a teenager to tell my stupid self just one thing it would be… to wear some f*cking sunscreen you stubborn little shit (also to invest every dime I make into 3 company’s called Yahoo, Google, and Facebook – who knew?).

8) It’s 10:00 pm and I’ve just finished a nice dinner with friends. I have two choices: a) hit the clubs for more drinks / dancing, or b) go home and watch TV in bed. 10 out of 10 times I choose option b. Where’d my ‘fun’ go?

7) I spend more time shaving my back and ears than I do shaving my face. Seriously – where the f*ck did all this hair come from?

6) I can finally afford a sports car. But if I buy one now I’ll be the pathetic, mid-life crisis guy everyone points at and laughs.

5) I now have to work out three times as hard to look half as good as I did ten years ago. 3X = Y/2-10? Yup - the math just gets evil as the years go by.

4) My hair’s so gray I look like Phil Donahue (for the twenty-something set he was the king of daytime TV until Oprah ate him during a binge). I can’t even grow a damn beard without looking like Santa.

3) I have more in common with people who are 55 than I do with people who are 20. It’s true – do the math.

2) In just two short years a guy with a plastic glove will be shoving his hand up my ass. Where the hell did the time go?

1) I swear to God if one more snot-nosed waiter or waitress calls me sir, I’m coming over the f*cking table.

People always say you’re only as old as you feel. Oh yeah – bullshit.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Five People Who Need A Sock Full Of Nickels Upside The Head

When did the American public’s fascination with dim-witted, self-absorbed, no-talent hacks like you begin? And how do we make you go away?

Racial ambulance chasing just never gets old… but it does. Look up ‘tired act’ in the dictionary and there’s a picture of you, Al.

Really any of the current GOP presidential candidates could be inserted here (and I’m a registered Republican), but I picked you because you suck so damn bad at debating. I’m honestly a little embarrassed for you.

For wearing that dress at your age? Nope – for calling the Pope a nazi. What the hell were you thinking? The Catholic Church is like the Roman mafia – better watch your ass, Sarandon.

Not really a person but the Westboro Baptist Church is perhaps the most deserving candidate on the list. There’s a special place in hell for crazy, hate-mongering zealots like you.

Happy Wednesday from The Quinsey Blog

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

And We Have A New Nominee For Father Of The Year

It's 39-year-old Shawn Weimer (pictured above) who faces charges of child abuse after making his 9-year-old daughter drive him to a service station because he was too drunk to take the wheel, police said. The outing was caught on tape by the station’s surveillance video, which shows the van pulling up to the station around 3 a.m. on Oct. 8, and Weimer walking in with his daughter.

Hmmm, drunk at 3:00 am with a hankering for a slurpee and nachos. How to get to convenient store? Think damn it, think. Wait a second, my 9-year-old daughter is sober. Bam - problem solved. Either he’s a drunken genius or the worst father in the history of time (probably both).

Weimer was arrested after police officers in Brownstown Township, southwest of Detroit, were alerted by a 911 call. “A child is driving and her dad is drunk and he’s in the passenger side,” the caller, who watched the girl get in the driver’s seat at the service station and pull the vehicle onto the road, told a 911 dispatcher. “Are you sure the child’s driving, sir?” the dispatcher asks the caller.

Can you really blame the dispatcher for questioning the authenticity of the call? We’re talking about Detroit – the meth capital of the Midwest.

When police stopped the car a few miles later, they were surprised to see the young girl really sitting behind the wheel, in a booster seat but still able to operate the van’s gas and brakes. They were even more surprised at the 9-year-old’s reaction. “She looks at the uniformed police officer, and says ‘What did you stop me for? I was driving good,’” Brownstown Detective Lt. Robert Grant said. The girl later told detectives that this wasn’t the first time her dad had her serve as his designated driver. “She explained to me that he did let her drive before,” Grant said. “On this night, she indicated, he was drinking whiskey and, for whatever reason, instead of the little girl being in bed at 3 a.m., he decided to go for a ride after drinking.”

Where to begin? First off whose idea was it to use a booster seat? “A” for resourcefulness and an “A+” for safety. You can never take safety too lightly in these situations. Secondly did she really say to the police officer, “What did you stop me for? I was driving good.” OMG – I think I love her. (first and last time in the history of this blog I’ll ever use the acronym OMG) Seriously though if she’s up for adoption, please send me the paperwork – I’m very interested. Lastly, how did she know he was drinking whiskey and not, say bourbon? This kid’s obviously a genius.

Officers described Weimer as “argumentative” in telling them he was just teaching his daughter to drive. Weimer and the girl’s mother are separated and she was spending the weekend with him.

Who doesn’t teach their 9-year-old how to drive at 3:00 in the morning after slamming down a bottle of Jack? And you’re separated from the girl’s mother? Shocker.

Weimer refused a Breathalyzer test and was arrested. He was charged with second- and fourth-degree child abuse, one a felony and the other a misdemeanor, for the Oct. 8 incident. He was also charged with being a habitual offender from previous convictions for unarmed robbery, felony firearm possession and receiving and concealing stolen property. He could face 15 years in prison if convicted. Weimer was also ordered to have no contact with his daughter, now back in the custody of her mother.

Let this be a warning to future mother’s everywhere. This is exactly the type of shit that happens when you procreate with a mutant like Shawn Weimer. Dollars for doughnuts the poor kid ends up a stripper. It would be sad if it wasn’t so funny.

What's Wrong With You China?

Last Thursday, a two-year-old girl crossing the street by herself in the city of Foshan in China’s southern Guangdong Province, was hit by a van. The driver paused briefly as the defenseless child lay trapped between his front and rear wheels writhing in pain, then sped off, squashing her fragile body a second time.

Soon after a second vehicle rolled over the girl, flattening her tiny legs, the driver presumably unaware that a human body lay in the road. The second driver also did not stop.

As if both these assaults on humanity were not egregious enough, 18 more people – on foot, on motorbikes, and on bicycles – passed by the little girl, lying in a pool of her own blood, and did NOTHING. One man on a motor scooter had to swerve to avoid running over her twitching, mangled little body. Even a mother with her own child purposely ignored the victim.

A video of the incident captured by surveillance cameras was immediately posted on-line. Note: do yourself a favor and do NOT watch it. As a father and a human being I was absolutely sickened by the images of this helpless little girl fighting for her life, while callous on-lookers stood by and did nothing.

SEVEN minutes rolled by like an eternity until one Good Samaritan finally stepped up and took action. A woman collecting trash noticed the little girl lying broken in the street, picked up her now limp body, and moved her to the side of the road. She then asked passers-by who the girl belonged to, and eventually the mother appeared (distraught) to claim her daughter named Yueyue.

This story, which has been a leading headline on all of China’s news sites the past few days, touched a nerve in the country. Many have pointed to a lack of moral standards which have come to define modern day China, and a general disregard for fellow human beings now prevalent in the most populous country in the world.

When interviewed by police the first driver said, “If she is dead, I may pay only about 20,000 yuan (equivalent to $3,125 USD). But if she is injured, it may cost me hundreds of thousands yuan." You just fatally wounded a two-year-old child and you’re worried about money, you heartless piece of shit? If I ever get the opportunity to run you over with my car, I’m in.

Yueyue, meanwhile, is in critical condition with serious brain injuries, breathing only with the help of a ventilator. Doctors do not expect her to live.

Which begs the question: what’s wrong with you China? You’ve become the uncontested economic super power of the world but at what cost? Can we not deduce from this incident that you’re nothing more than a nation of 1.34 billion soulless robots, which lack the compassion and humanity to help a dying child in need? Shame on you people of Guangdong Province – you’re a disgrace to decent human beings everywhere. Rest assured absurdly large population of China, developers in hell are currently working overtime on expansion, so that they may accommodate your wayward spirits in the afterlife.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Success Is The Best Revenge

I get it. Poverty is at its highest level since the early 1950’s. There aren't nearly enough high-paying jobs and wages are stagnant (the median full-time male worker earns just $48,000 a year, the same as in 1969 in real, inflation-adjusted terms). Home prices have dropped to 2003 levels and don’t show any signs of rebounding. Health care and education costs continue to skyrocket. The stock market is increasingly beguiled by billionaire hedge fund managers and Wall Street insiders who use their secret sauce (computer algorithms – think Moneyball only evil) to manipulate outcomes. Washington is a complete f*cking shit show. And all the while corporations are reaping record profits ($1.5 trillion a year) as the rich get richer. Make no mistake – we ARE heading for a new recession and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop it. In other words we’re screwed.

So what’s the problem? While there are multiple structural problems with our economy, in the eye of the storm lies the high cost of U.S. labor. Job creation and wage growth have stalled as U.S. companies outsource and downsize to take advantage of cheap foreign labor. Companies have seen profits rise using low-cost manufacturing outlets in Asia to supply high-cost goods to Europe, the United States, and Japan. This shift in the power balance between workers and businesses is driving an unprecedented level of income inequality. As corporate profits swell the gap between the uber-rich and the rest of us widens, as the top 1% benefit from their large investment holdings. The fact that trading partners like China are playing dirty poker (holding down the value of their currency to make their exports artificially cheap) only compounds the problem. (Thank you China for kicking us while we’re down - don’t think we’ll forget about this when we’re back on top, you pinko commie bastards) The credit crisis, increasing debt (both public and private), and the steady decline of the American standard of living, all stem directly from this job and wage stagnation, among other things.

So how do we fix it? F*ck if I know. If I had all the answers I’d be one of the uber-rich myself. I do know this: taking a shit on the sidewalk in Zuccotti Park is not the answer. Something for you hippies to consider while you’re out there setting up camp and making those stupid, uninspired (yet amusing) picket signs: while the overall unemployment rate remains over 9%, there's a huge difference tied to education level. Among those with less than a high school diploma, unemployment stands at 14%. For those with a bachelor's degree or higher, it’s just 4.2%. So roll up your sleeping bags, stop feeling sorry for yourselves, take a f*cking shower for God’s sake, and go out and educate your misguided souls. I know - school’s not free but that’s what student loans are for (don’t worry it’s the next credit bubble waiting to burst, and eventually the government will pass a law giving the banks a tax break to forgive your student debt, so spend it like it’s not yours while there’s still time). Then once you have an over-priced, government-subsidized education the only thing keeping you from your piece of the pie will be… you. I hate to rain on your pity parade, but there’s no rescue party coming to hand you the things you think you deserve. You’ll actually have to work hard for that stuff - God forbid.

But what about the CEO’s and hedge fund managers getting uber-rich while the rest of us claw and scratch just to get by? Trust me, I’m just as pissed off as you are about corporate greed, government bailouts, and the overall sorry state of our economy. I could easily be discouraged and squat in the park with the rest of you losers, blaming my problems on someone else. But I choose a different path. I choose to wake up each and every day and think about one thing and one thing only – revenge. Why waste time despising the rich when I could instead invest my time trying to become one of them? With a positive attitude, an innovative spirit, and a relentless sense of resolve, ANYONE can crash their party. Why not me? Why not you? This is America for Christ's sake. I’m coming for my piece of the pie Wall Street, and there’s nothing anyone can do to stop me. No matter how shitty things get always remember: success is the best revenge. See you at the top, mother f*ckers.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The De-Evolution of Mankind

If you really stop and think about it the human race is nothing short of miraculous. Out of the ashes we rose some 200,000 years ago (if you believe in the theory of evolution – if not you’re insane and I can’t help you) and have accomplished truly great things ever since. As I contemplate a random sampling of mankind’s greatest achievements, I can’t help but be moved and inspired:

• There are the philosophical teachings of Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle, whose influences molded and shaped science as we know it today

• The great literary works of William Shakespeare, who centuries before Freud and Jung, dissected human psychology presenting it as both comedy and tragedy

• There’s Stonehenge where enormous boulders weighing several tons each were stacked upon one another WITHOUT the aid of mechanical devices

• The Seven Wonders of the World including the Great Pyramid of Giza which literally defies modern science

• There’s the great innovator Louis Pasteur, who developed vaccines which significantly extended human life expectancy

• Newton’s laws of universal gravitation which took physics a giant leap forward into the future

• There’s the Declaration of Human Rights introduced by the U.S. Constitution, which forever changed the world and civilized society

• Einstein’s theory of relativity which completely revolutionized modern day physics

• There’s the Wright brothers who took to the sky and became the pioneers of powered flight

• And space travel which put the very first man on the surface of the moon

I know - It’s a lot to take in all at once. Your mind fills up like a balloon until you exhale and let it flow through you. Then the pride rushes in and you can’t help but feel gratitude to be part of the greatest species on earth…

Until you see a photo like this (sent to me by a buddy from his recent RV trip to San Diego) and it all goes to shit:

Seriously, who pissed in the gene pool? (At least he’s not a Republican)

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Straight From The WTF Department: 'Hung' Star Thomas Jane Proclaims “I Had Sex With Men for Money”

Thomas Jane casually tells the Los Angeles Times that as a struggling 18-year-old actor, he often performed sexual acts with other men in order to pay the bills.

Whoa, back up the truck. Did you just say that you OFTEN performed sexual acts with other men in exchange for money? I’m no Dr. Phil, but if I’m not mistaken I'm pretty sure you just outed yourself as a gay prostitute.

"As James Dean said, you're going to have one arm tied behind your back if you don't accept people's sexual favors," Jane explains.

Huh? I’m confused. How is ANYTHING James Dean ever said even remotely applicable to you being a gay hooker? I’m not following you, Tommy. Please elaborate.

"When I was a kid out here in L.A., I was homeless. I didn't have any money and I was living in my car," the actor recalls. "I wasn't averse to going down to Santa Monica Boulevard and letting a guy buy me a sandwich. Know what I mean?"

Um, a blow job for a sandwich? Yeah… no. I have no idea what you mean. I do know that’s completely disgusting and you’re a sick f*ck though.

The 42-year-old actor adds that the experience "blew the doors off my conventional upbringing" (no pun intended) and opened him up to new possibilities.

New possibilities? Like tea bagging George Michael in a public restroom at the beach? Seriously, what’s dirtier than a public restroom at the beach? Never mind, I just answered that.

"You're a lot more open to experimentation as a young man," he tells the newspaper. "And for me, being a young artist and broke in Los Angeles, I was exploring my sexual identity."

There you go playing the starving artist card. So f*cking predictable. News flash: being an “artist” doesn’t give you carte blanche to behave like a filthy pervert. What is it with you Hollywood types thinking you’re somehow above the laws of conventional society? I’m an actor so I can do whatever the f*ck I want and label it artistic expression – bullshit.

By the way the only acceptable form of someone “exploring their sexual identity” would involve two sorority sisters, a video camera, and copious amounts of alcohol. You getting poo-jammed by some random dude in an alley in exchange for a cheeseburger doesn’t even remotely qualify.

The actor, whose former wives include Ayesha Hauer and Patricia Arquette, doesn't regret his decision to dabble in same-sex relations.

Yeah, but I bet they regret ever marrying a twisted f*ck like you. I’m sorry Ayesha and Patricia, but there’ll be no shower hot enough or long enough to ever wash off the filth of this degenerate.

“Until you've tasted the food, you don't know whether you'll like it or not, as my mom always said," he says.

Wow, really? Did you really just quote your Mom when talking about your history as a gay prostitute? Mom must be so proud.

I’ll take a dick sandwich with a side of brown gravy please. (I know, I know that’s just childish - sorry I couldn’t resist)

Let me conclude this post by stating that I have no problem whatsoever with homosexuality in any way, shape, or form. I’m actually in favor of it. Diversity in all forms is a healthy paradigm for any society. I do however have a big problem with bisexual prostitution. Do you think Tom Brady would ever consider moonlighting for the New York Jets during his bye week? I think not. Pick a team people. Otherwise you’re just a depraved pervert – like Thomas Jane. Wow.