Monday, October 31, 2011

Don't Hate Me Because I'm Perfect



1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.

2. erotic gratification derived from admiration of one's own physical or mental attributes.

It’s inescapable, there’s something innately narcissistic about writing a blog. The implication being that other people actually care what you think. Some blogs are really good (like this one – you see what I did there?), but most blogs are pretty well, terrible. Housewives spouting on about the daily minutia of their mundane lives, wanna-be critics trying to be paradoxical in their critique of food, music, movies (you name it), ugly chicks giving dating advice on how to land the perfect man, blah blah blah. So what exactly defines the perfect blog then? I’m not precisely sure but I assume the definition would include things like original content, a unique point of view, and good writing (with proper grammar for Christ’s sake). Let’s be honest though, reading a description of the perfect blog would be like listening to a dirty hippie complain about social injustice or watching a fat person take a shower. I’ll therefore go one step further and tell you not what defines the perfect blog but what defines the perfect person. Wait… that would be too easy. My point of view being so unique and all, I think I’ll turn it around and describe not what attributes define the perfect person, but instead what things a person should avoid doing in order to become perfect. Please enjoy this distinctly original content and pay no attention to any slight grammatical missteps, as I sit here and admire myself in the mirror.

• A polo shirt with the collar up? Come on dude – the 80’s sucked during the 80’s, and that was thirty years ago. At least you’d be appreciated in the Eastern Bloc.

• Face paint as an adult under any circumstances? Fail.

• Crocs in public? (never mind, scratch this one – it’s too obvious)

• A mesh tanktop? Really? (saw this dude at the gym last week) See bullet point #1 above, meathead.

• You finally got a job… as a bathroom attendant. God I hate bathroom attendants. Can I please piss in peace, and do you have change for a five?

• Enough with your political beliefs. Do I look like I care?

• Just because I asked how your day’s going, doesn’t mean I really want to know. Hello, discretion.

• A thyroid problem? Right, put down the jelly doughnut and step away from the fridge. You’re not fooling anyone.

• Just because I’m a heterosexual, white male doesn’t mean I’ll enjoy your gay, racial, or sexist jokes… but I might.

• Am I really going to have another drink? You’re damn right I am, don’t judge me asshole. You’re the one with your collar up.

You’re probably scratching your head in bewilderment after that random smattering of advice / observations, but there’s a point in there somewhere. To put it another way don’t dress like a douche, invade other people’s personal space, be overly opinionated, make excuses for your problems, or judge / make assumptions about others based on your own lifestyle choices. If you could avoid doing each of these things, that would be a good start. What? You think it’s easy being perfect? J

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