Thursday, October 20, 2011

Where The Hell Did The Time Go?

A new film called “In Time” (which opens October 28) takes place in a retro-future where the aging gene has been switched off, and people stop aging at 25 years old. However, stamped on everyone’s arm is a digital clock of how long they have to live. To avoid overpopulation, time has become the currency and the way people pay for necessities and luxuries. The rich can live forever, while the rest try to negotiate for immortality. The film stars Justin Timberlake and has a few other interesting plot twists, but the over-arching theme is the idea of aging and mortality. Which got me thinking…

I’ll turn 38 years old in a couple of months. I definitely look 38 on the outside, but I still feel 18 on the inside (minus the extreme insecurities and placing even an ounce of relevance on what other people think). How can one possibly explain this 20 year disconnect? My wife always says she’s married to a child so perhaps my intellectual immaturity is the source of this physical / mental chasm? I also looked like I was 12 years old deep into college, so maybe in some way this extended period of pubescence altered my personal space / time continuum? (and allowed me to pull very little ass by the way) Or perhaps it’s just one of life’s many cruel realities? Whatever the case may be aging SUCKS. What follows are my top 10 gripes about getting old:

10) I’m sexually invisible to anyone under the age of 25. Don’t think I don’t notice you not noticing me, sweetheart. That’s right, just keep on walking while I cry myself to sleep on the inside.

9) Wrinkles (specifically crow’s feet in my case). If I had a time machine and could go back to when I was a teenager to tell my stupid self just one thing it would be… to wear some f*cking sunscreen you stubborn little shit (also to invest every dime I make into 3 company’s called Yahoo, Google, and Facebook – who knew?).

8) It’s 10:00 pm and I’ve just finished a nice dinner with friends. I have two choices: a) hit the clubs for more drinks / dancing, or b) go home and watch TV in bed. 10 out of 10 times I choose option b. Where’d my ‘fun’ go?

7) I spend more time shaving my back and ears than I do shaving my face. Seriously – where the f*ck did all this hair come from?

6) I can finally afford a sports car. But if I buy one now I’ll be the pathetic, mid-life crisis guy everyone points at and laughs.

5) I now have to work out three times as hard to look half as good as I did ten years ago. 3X = Y/2-10? Yup - the math just gets evil as the years go by.

4) My hair’s so gray I look like Phil Donahue (for the twenty-something set he was the king of daytime TV until Oprah ate him during a binge). I can’t even grow a damn beard without looking like Santa.

3) I have more in common with people who are 55 than I do with people who are 20. It’s true – do the math.

2) In just two short years a guy with a plastic glove will be shoving his hand up my ass. Where the hell did the time go?

1) I swear to God if one more snot-nosed waiter or waitress calls me sir, I’m coming over the f*cking table.

People always say you’re only as old as you feel. Oh yeah – bullshit.

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