Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Ponderings From The Target Checkout Line

I was standing in line at Target the other day trying to avoid making eye contact with the freak show all around me when my mind started to wander...

What the hell ever happened to waterbeds? Those things were genius outside the severe back problems and their inevitable propensity to spring a leak, of course.

Why are strip clubs called gentlemen’s clubs? I don’t know firsthand but I’ve “heard” those places are filled with nothing but low life’s and degenerate perverts.

When did everything start becoming salted caramel flavor? It’s the new pomegranate.

How come it’s okay for humans to hunt animals but when animals hunt us they’re labeled rogue and dangerous? “… and the hunt continues for the rogue shark off the coast of Florida.” Rogue? More like hungry if you ask me.

Does anyone else find it ironic that the richest family in America (the Waltons) made their fortune off the poorest families in America? Seriously – the people who shop at Target are like royalty compared to the food stamp mutants who shop at Walmart.

What is Tim Tebow always praying about? He does realize that God’s not pulling any strings for the Broncos to win, right? Because as EVERYONE knows God is a Chargers fan (just not this season – I hate you Satan, I mean Norv).

Why is everyone so pissed off at the 1% and the inequality of wealth in America? Do you think corrupt politicians fund their own campaigns and gentlemen’s clubs make themselves rain, hello.

When did Hollywood writers just completely hit the wall on ideas for new movies? No offense to the new Karate Kid and the new Footloose but I already saw those flicks like 20 years ago.

How many times a day are they going to keep playing Adele’s, “Someone Like You”? Sure it’s a good song but seriously, enough already. They do realize it’s about a crazy stalker lady, right?

Does this lady behind me really think it’s okay to be standing so close? I can literally smell what she ate for lunch. Back the f*ck up, bitch. Why do I even need to say this?

That’s all the Holiday cheer I have time for right now.

Season’s Greetings,

The Quinsey Blog

Friday, November 18, 2011

Pulling a “Sandusky” (verb): to tell a ridiculous, unbelievable lie without even the least bit of conviction.

I had to listen to this interview several times to make sure I was actually hearing what I thought I was hearing. In perhaps the most surreal television interview of all time, pedophile and former assistant football coach at Penn State University, Jerry Sandusky, told bold faced lie after bold faced lie while being questioned by Bob Costas on Monday night. He was tentative in his responses and stammered frequently throughout the interview, both telltale signs of any liar worth his salt.

"I say that I am innocent of those charges," said Sandusky (unconvincingly).

When asked by Costas, "Are you a pedophile?" Sandusky responded (after an awkward pause), "No."

Sandusky was charged earlier this month with 40 criminal counts accusing him of sexual abuse of minors. He is currently free on a $100,000 bond and has denied any wrongdoing. The allegations date back to 1994, according to the grand jury report filed November 5 in Pennsylvania state court. The report detailed claims of alleged sexual encounters with as many as eight boys in Sandusky's home, hotels and Penn State locker rooms.

"I could say that I have done some of those things. I have horsed around with kids. I have showered after workouts. I have hugged them and I have touched their legs without intent of sexual contact," said Sandusky uneasily.

This response in particular really made me sick to my stomach. The way he said it, it was almost like he was trying to convince himself that he didn’t do anything wrong. Which conjured memories of the disturbing TV documentary, “Living with Michael Jackson”, which aired in 2003. I remember thinking at the time that Jackson was completely full of shit. I feel no differently today about Sandusky.

When asked by Costas to concede any wrongdoing, Sandusky said, "I shouldn't have showered with those kids."

Really? That’s what you’re going with? Well shucks Bob, what grown man doesn’t enjoy a nice shower with a young boy every now and then? There’s a special place in hell for sick f*cks like you, Sandusky.

Sandusky's attorney, Joseph Amendola, verified Sandusky's voice and asserted his client's innocence. "I believe in Jerry's innocence. Quite honestly, Bob, that's why I'm involved in the case," Amendola said.

Yeah and I’m sure it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that this trial is going to be the biggest circus of the century, and you’ll be right smack dab in the middle of it all, you shameless f*ck. You couldn’t be more transparent if you tried.

"We expect we're going to have a number of kids, now how many of those so called eight kids we're not sure, but we anticipate we're going to have at least several of those kids come forward and say this never happened. This is me, this is the allegation, it never occurred. In fact, one of the toughest allegations...what [Mike] McQueary said he saw, we have information that that child said that never happened," Amendola said.

God I hate lawyers.

McQueary is currently on paid administrative leave from his job as an assistant coach for Penn State's football team. In 2002, while a graduate assistant, he witnessed Sandusky allegedly engaged in a sexual act with a minor in the Penn State locker room's showers, according to the grand jury report. He told Paterno what he witnessed, according to the grand jury testimony.

Sandusky said McQueary's claims are false. "We were showering and horsing around and he [the boy] actually turned all the showers on and was actually sliding across the floor and we were, as I recall, possibly like snapping a towel," Sandusky said (creepily).

Wait, back up the truck. Do you really expect anyone to believe that McQueary mistook “sliding across the floor” and “possibly like snapping a towel” for you sexually assaulting a young boy? Let me ask you this you depraved pervert: what the f*ck did McQueary possibly have to gain by going to Joe Paterno (your boss and long time friend) with false accusations of you sexually abusing a child? In case you hadn’t noticed his life is ruined too.

Sandusky also addressed allegations that he apologized to the mother of one of the alleged victims and said "I wish I were dead" in 1998. "I didn't say, to my recollection, that I wish I were dead. I was hopeful that we could reconcile things," Sandusky said.

Reconcile things after molesting her kid? I wish you were dead, asshole.

The scandal has tarnished the reputation of the once-heralded football program, leading to the firing of legendary Coach Paterno and three other university officials. It’s also left students and residents of State College, Penn., shocked. Sandusky said that right now isn't "the best days of my life."

Not the best days of your life? There’s an understatement. If you think things are bad now just wait until you’re getting ass-raped in the state penitentiary by a large, black man named Bubba. You know what they say - poetic justice is best served from behind.

"How would you think I would feel about a university that I attended, about people that I worked with, about people that I care so much about and how do you think I would feel about it? I feel horrible," Sandusky said.

Apparently not horrible enough to stop lying about it.

When asked if he felt responsible for damaging Penn State's image, Sandusky said, "I don't think it's my fault. I've obviously played a part in this, but I don't think I should be accused as I have been."

Played a part in it? You’re being too modest you degenerate scumbag. You played the freaking starring role.

"I don't know what I can say or what I could say that would make anybody feel any different now. I would just say that if somehow people could hang on until my attorney has a chance to fight for my innocence, that's about all I can ask right now. Obviously, it's a huge challenge," Sandusky said.

Yeah, it’s a huge challenge because you’re GUILTY.

When asked if he had a sexual attraction to underage boys, Sandusky awkwardly paused again (as if he had to think about it) and said, "I enjoy young people. I love to be around them, but no, I'm not sexually attracted to young boys."

Hey sicko, if you’re going to come on national television and lie to everyone, at least have the decency to tell lies that make sense and do it with conviction.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Say It Ain't So Joe

Martin Luther King, Jr. once said: “Man's inhumanity to man is not only perpetrated by the vitriolic actions of those who are bad. It is also perpetrated by the vitiating inaction of those who are good.”

In 1998, the head football coach at Penn State Universtiy, Joe Paterno (along with a shitload of other Penn State faculty and administrators), was made aware of disturbing allegations of inappropriate sexual conduct with young boys charged against his long time friend and defensive coordinator, Greg Sandusky. For undisclosed reasons then district attorney, Ray Gricar (who’s now missing / dead), chose not to prosecute Sandusky and so ended a police investigation into the matter. Sandusky (not) coincidentally took an early retirement package from the University less than a year later, but stayed connected to the football program (and young boys) through his “Second Mile” charitable foundation.

In 2000, a temporary janitor, Jim Calhoun (not the UConn basketball coach), witnessed Sandusky engaging in sexual activity with a boy in a campus locker-room shower. He reported the incident to a supervisor and several other staff members who did absolutely nothing with the information. Calhoun currently suffers from dementia and resides in an assisted-living facility.

In 2002, then graduate assistant, Mike McQueary, witnessed Sandusky sexually abusing a boy in a Penn State locker-room shower. A distraught McQueary reported the incident to Coach Paterno the next day (if he was distraught, just imagine how the young boy getting sexually molested in the shower must have felt). Paterno promptly informed the athletic director (Tim Curley) who informed the SVP of Finance and Business (Gary Schultz), who had oversight of university police. The pair met with McQueary to discuss the incident, but ultimately decided not to report it to authorities. Instead they simply told Sandusky that he could no longer bring boys on campus. As in so long as it doesn't happen here we don't need to know about it (are you f*cking kidding me - we're talking about the sexual molestation of children for Christ's sake - what's wrong with you?).

It’s now 2011, and Sandusky is finally being prosecuted for his heinous crimes against humanity. Curley and Schultz are finally being charged for their egregious roles in the cover-up. Paterno and Graham Spanier (Penn State University president) are finally being fired for their blatant inaction. McQueary meanwhile still has his job (as wide receivers coach) and plans on being on the sideline for this Saturday’s game. Note to Penn State Board of Trustees: if you don’t fire McQueary prior to this Saturday’s game you’re essentially spitting in the face of the young boys victimized by Sandusky and their families. Do the right thing before it’s too late.

Add it all up and 13 years passed by from the time Sandusky was first accused of sexual misconduct against a child, to the time he was finally charged with a crime. 13 years of raping and molesting defenseless children. 13 years of lost innocence never to be returned. 13 years of silence by a University desperate to hold on to its proud reputation. 13 years of misery and heartache that could have easily been avoided if not for the inaction of a head coach who "wishes he had done more," and his staff.

Shame on you Coach Paterno, and shame on anyone else with even peripheral knowledge of what’s been taking place on the campus of Penn State University over the past 13 years. Joseph Vincent Paterno - you leave Penn State University as the winningest head coach in the history of major college football, and are considered by many a true American icon. But as the old saying goes: lie with dogs, wake with fleas. And unfortunately for you there’s no flea bath strong enough to ever cleanse this stain from your sullied reputation. Along with the innocence of those defenseless young boys, so too lost was your legacy.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Duggars Hit 20, Say Why Stop Now?

Michelle Duggar and her husband Jim Bob are expecting their 20th child.

Not a typo. That’s TWO-ZERO, as in TWENTY, or about a baker’s dozen more than anyone with even a shred of sanity would bring into this world. I guess if this sort of thing was going to happen, it’s strangely reassuring that someone named Jim Bob is at the center of it.

"We are so excited," says Michelle Duggar. Now three and a half months pregnant, the mom of 19 says she was actually surprised to discover that she's expecting again at 45. "I was not thinking that God would give us another one, and we are just so grateful."

Wait, let me get this straight. Did you just say that God is the father of baby number 20? Wow, I bet your husband’s pretty pissed. Also, who knew God was into frumpy 45-year old housewives?

The super-sized family stars in its own reality TV show, “19 Kids and Counting.”

Using reality TV to fund your own personal freak show? It’s the “new” American dream.

Michelle Duggar’s last pregnancy was fraught with danger. She suffered from gall-bladder problems as well as preeclampsia. In order to save her life, doctors delivered daughter Josie three and a half months prematurely – she weighed only one pound, six ounces at birth, and endured a series of health emergencies, including a perforated bowel. Josie eventually went home with the rest of the Duggar family, and is now a healthy toddler who will celebrate her second birthday in December.

Yes, this is why old ladies should spend their time backing up golf courses, not getting knocked up.

“The precious life that we see here is not a coincidence,” Michelle Duggar said last summer referring to baby number 19. “I just know that it is a miracle. I don’t take that for granted. I know that God is the one who gives life, and I’m just so grateful and thankful. We would welcome another if He saw fit, but we’ll wait and see.”

I don’t mean to rain on your miracle parade, Michelle, but when two people have unprotected sex there’s this thing called pregnancy that occasionally occurs. No intervention from God required – just an egg and a sperm. Did you not go to 5th grade?

Michelle said that she's over her first-trimester morning sickness, has been indulging her cravings for dill pickles, and is feeling great. She said her doctors have given her the green light for this pregnancy, and so far she hasn't had any health worries. For the past year, she said, she's been working out five or six days a week: "I'm really in better shape than I've been in 20 years."

Except for her vagina – it looks like two jelly fish having a fight.

The Duggars' 19 children, who range in age from 23 years to 23 months, are: Joshua, Jana, John-David, Jill, Jessa, Jinger, Joseph, Josiah, Joy-Anna, Jedidiah, Jeremiah, Jason, James, Justin, Jackson, Johannah, Jennifer, Jordyn-Grace, and Josie.

Jinger, Josiah, and Jedidiah are like, what the f*ck mom and dad? Bad enough you brought us into this freak show in the first place, but then you had handicap us with f*cked up name like this? Why do you hate us so much?

The kids thought family patriarch Jim Bob was joking when he broke the news that they would have a new brother or sister, Michelle said. They lined the family up on the staircase for a photo, she recalled, and Jim Bob said, "Smile -- Mom's going to have another baby!"

Several of the older children were reportedly heard saying, “you’ve got to be f*cking kidding me.” Or at least that’s what they were thinking.

"Their mouths dropped," Michelle said, laughing at the memory. "They all looked at me to see if he was joking."

Unfortunately not joking.

Jim Bob said that he's thrilled for their 20th child. "Michelle and I both feel like some of the most blessed parents in the world. Our children are so sweet... we are so grateful to God." And, he adds, "We didn't want to stop on an odd number."

Of course not, because that would be just crazy.

Saturday, November 5, 2011

Is it just me or does Justin Bieber resemble a lesbian in drag?

See it now?

How bout now?

Yup - perhaps if I was a teenage girl I'd understand...